I've had this reoccurring thought the last couple days, and I feel compelled to share in hopes it can help someone else find Gods grace in their journey.
2020 has been rough already. If you know me personally then you know my dads been having some odd symptoms since around october. I'm not gonna go into too much detail on everything, but I will say he was sent for a EKG which came back normal, so his heart was ruled out. He returned to work, and of course within days of being back the symptoms came back. Things were getting scary. His boss actually suggested he see her dads heart doctor ( Gods Grace written all over this). We were hesitant because after all his heart had been ruled out as the problem. However my mom called and made an appointment ( Gods Grace). The doctor ran a EKG and it came back abnormal. He told Dad at that very appointment that at some point he had had a heart attack. We were so shocked. He scheduled a Heart Cath. However Dads symptoms worsened to the point he couldnt breathe, he could literally stand up and become short of breath. So my mom called, and was told she should bring him to the ER. He was put into the hospital at Park West. The heart dr explained to Dad that if he couldnt lay flat for the heart cath they couldnt do it. He stayed at the hosptial until the heart cath. They got over 22 pounds of fluid off him within two days, thanks to a lasix IV. He went in for the heart cath. My mom and I were taken to a waiting room. We werent there 15 minutes when they came and got us. Mom and I just kept looking at each other dumbfounded because we didnt think it had been long enough.
Finally they rolled dad in hospital bed right out in the hall by us. The nurse with him seemed so super nervous, and kept looking around for the dr ( who was coming to talk to us.) Finally the doctor came and his first words will haunt me forever. " We have Major Issues." He then paused and just looked at mom and I. I didnt understand then, but I now believe he was waiting on us to breakdown, we were so stunned that we didnt ( my mom and I are panickers, so right here is a Gods Grace moment.) He explained the one artery was 100% blocked. One was 90% blocked. Leaving one trying to do all the work. He needs open heart surgery. A surgeon will be to see yall within 24 hours. The nurse looked at me and said he was so sorry, it now made since why he seemed so nervous. He knew we were getting bad news. I appreciated his emotion for us. Dad was then rolled back into his room, and we all just sat there in complete shock. A nurse came in immediately to make sure dad knew to stay flat and not move his leg at all. He explained the whole process as well as recovery. Again we all just sat there ( Gods grace). Dad after just being given what had to be the scariest news of his life loudly stated " when can I eat?" We all laughed ( Gods Grace.)
The next thing we knew the door opened and in Walked the surgeon. Literally within the hour of all this, he stepped into dads room. He was visiting a patient a few doors down when he got the orders for a consult with dad ( Gods Grace.)
Surgery would have been scheduled immediately except Dad still had so much retained fluid that the surgeon explained had to come off first. He asked if we had any questions and honestly its one of those moments when we probably had a thousand questions, but you shake your head no. After all this was all happening so fast. ( Just maybe that was Gods Grace too.) I asked if he would be in the hosptial until the surgery. The surgeon looked at me bewildered and said
YES! Im not comfortable with him going anywhere. Looking back I realize we didnt grasp the severity ( Definitely Gods Grace.) The doctors would later explain that he was basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for a massive heart attack to happen at any moment. A few days later the surgeon said words that will forever wreck me. "If we had not found this, He would have been dead by summer." (GODS GRACE!) We had every reason not to find it. After all his heart had been cleared. His heart had been ruled out. BUT GOD. It makes me weep when I think about it. What could have, what should have happen. But God stepped in and made a way. (Oh GODS GRACE) It would be 7 days from the heart cath when dad was finally well enough to go in for Open Heart Surgery. That morning it was just the three of us in his hosptial room. Just mom, dad, and me. The way It had been my whole life. Up until this morning he had been nothing but peace. In the mist of what should have been the scariest time of his life he seemed the happiest. He laughed like I hadnt heard him in years. He joked, and talked. He TALKED so much. And I know its hard to believe,but he danced alot! ( GODS GRACE) I like to think part of him was relieved to have a answer. Even though it was scary and far from the news we wanted. Still it was a answer with a solution. A scary solution, but still a solution. However the morning of surgery he was visibly nervous. I will never EVER forget what he told us that morning.
"No matter what happens. Promise me you will take care of each other." His voice broke while he said it and we fought back our own tears as we promised. "I love you both so much" I remember saying we love you too. Although I honestly dont know how I mustered that out. And let me say that their is no shame in crying. However I think mom and I knew if either of us started that it would quickly escalate, and would get him worked up. And somehow we held back our tears. ( 100% Gods Grace.) Dad was taken back, we walked beside him until we couldnt anymore. Then the wait. Surgery was suppose to take 3-4 hours. We sat in the CCU ( Critical Care Unit) waiting room.We saw so many families there. Lots were there for heart surgeries. One wife of a man who had heart surgery at the same time as dad ( different surgeon) wept and shook. And as I watched her I wondered if something was wrong with me. Was I suppose to be that visibly shaken. (Gods Grace) Ill be 100% honest I thought all day about him dying. I thought about how I would need to take care of mom. I thought about the moment we would get the news. I thought about who to call first. How to inform family. How I would possibly make it. How would I be able to talk to people at his funeral. How I could possibly find a way to keep going for Connor. My mind raced. They came and told us he was on bypass. I thought about what that meant. Dads heart had been stopped. My dads heart wasnt beating anymore. I was so numb at that point. I couldnt even feel is the best way I can describe it. And then after only three hours they took us back to a room and said the surgeon was finishing up and would be in to talk to us soon. We sat in the little room for awhile, and then in walked the surgeon. Everything went well. He did fine. ( GODS GRACE) Such relief. Its like I could breathe again. Like I could feel again. He explained details ( that for time sake Ill leave out.) He then told us we could go in and see him in a few minutes, he explained that he was on a ventilator that was helping him breathe. I had saw my mamaw after her open heart surgery and this was the part I was dreading most. Cause honestly it changes you.
We went back to see dad just mom and I and honestly I dont know if its because I had saw Mamaw and knew 100% what to expect or if it was just Gods Grace once again, but he looked so peaceful. They didnt let us stay long because He would be waking up soon and they said typically they panic when they wake up with a tube down their throat ( understandable) and that sometimes family being their makes it worse. We gladly left for that.
The next time we went in was about 3 hours later during visiting hours and it was MUCH harder than seeing him on the vent. There was definitely no peace in the room. He yelled out in pain. He said "Why did they do this to me? They hurt me. Why did you let them do this? Im tied down. They hit me." I could keep going. I asked the nurse if he had gotten all the pain meds he was allowed to have and she said yes. So their was nothing we could do, but try to assure him he was ok. Alot of it was the anesthesia and morphine. But their was also alot of pain. He screamed for the next few days. One day he wouldnt even look at me when I went to visit. It was HARD! Mom and I never broke in front of him. ( GODS GRACE) I will say things did begin getting better once they removed his chest tubes. The nurse explained that alot of times they can be hitting nerves and when they are no amount of pain meds can touch the pain. You can always feel them and it is constant pain. He was discharged just 5 days after heart surgery and he continues to do well. ( Gods Grace.)
The day after he got to go home, Connor was diagnosed with Pneumonia. I could say when it rains it pours ( I actually have said that a few times). I could be bitter. I could say 2020 has been the WORST so far. I could wonder why us, why me. But today I had this thought. Its Gods Grace. The fact that Connor was not sick, during this time that my dad needed me. When my mom needed me with her. The fact that we caught Connors so early and are able to treat it at home, without a hospital stay Yes it stinks. But the fact that the day after dad is safely back home is when Connor got sick is absolutely Gods Grace.
And through all this I've learned that Bad things happen. Terrible trials hit us sometimes one after another, but if we take the time to look around Gods Grace is all over our story.
So instead of saying 2020 was a horrible year, Im claiming that 2020 is the year GODS GRACE showed up the most in my life. The Year that HE carried me, through some of the scariest stuff of my life. The year of HIS victory. The Year HE became more Physically visibly to me. Thats what I'm claiming for 2020.
2020 has been rough already. If you know me personally then you know my dads been having some odd symptoms since around october. I'm not gonna go into too much detail on everything, but I will say he was sent for a EKG which came back normal, so his heart was ruled out. He returned to work, and of course within days of being back the symptoms came back. Things were getting scary. His boss actually suggested he see her dads heart doctor ( Gods Grace written all over this). We were hesitant because after all his heart had been ruled out as the problem. However my mom called and made an appointment ( Gods Grace). The doctor ran a EKG and it came back abnormal. He told Dad at that very appointment that at some point he had had a heart attack. We were so shocked. He scheduled a Heart Cath. However Dads symptoms worsened to the point he couldnt breathe, he could literally stand up and become short of breath. So my mom called, and was told she should bring him to the ER. He was put into the hospital at Park West. The heart dr explained to Dad that if he couldnt lay flat for the heart cath they couldnt do it. He stayed at the hosptial until the heart cath. They got over 22 pounds of fluid off him within two days, thanks to a lasix IV. He went in for the heart cath. My mom and I were taken to a waiting room. We werent there 15 minutes when they came and got us. Mom and I just kept looking at each other dumbfounded because we didnt think it had been long enough.
Finally they rolled dad in hospital bed right out in the hall by us. The nurse with him seemed so super nervous, and kept looking around for the dr ( who was coming to talk to us.) Finally the doctor came and his first words will haunt me forever. " We have Major Issues." He then paused and just looked at mom and I. I didnt understand then, but I now believe he was waiting on us to breakdown, we were so stunned that we didnt ( my mom and I are panickers, so right here is a Gods Grace moment.) He explained the one artery was 100% blocked. One was 90% blocked. Leaving one trying to do all the work. He needs open heart surgery. A surgeon will be to see yall within 24 hours. The nurse looked at me and said he was so sorry, it now made since why he seemed so nervous. He knew we were getting bad news. I appreciated his emotion for us. Dad was then rolled back into his room, and we all just sat there in complete shock. A nurse came in immediately to make sure dad knew to stay flat and not move his leg at all. He explained the whole process as well as recovery. Again we all just sat there ( Gods grace). Dad after just being given what had to be the scariest news of his life loudly stated " when can I eat?" We all laughed ( Gods Grace.)
The next thing we knew the door opened and in Walked the surgeon. Literally within the hour of all this, he stepped into dads room. He was visiting a patient a few doors down when he got the orders for a consult with dad ( Gods Grace.)
Surgery would have been scheduled immediately except Dad still had so much retained fluid that the surgeon explained had to come off first. He asked if we had any questions and honestly its one of those moments when we probably had a thousand questions, but you shake your head no. After all this was all happening so fast. ( Just maybe that was Gods Grace too.) I asked if he would be in the hosptial until the surgery. The surgeon looked at me bewildered and said
YES! Im not comfortable with him going anywhere. Looking back I realize we didnt grasp the severity ( Definitely Gods Grace.) The doctors would later explain that he was basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for a massive heart attack to happen at any moment. A few days later the surgeon said words that will forever wreck me. "If we had not found this, He would have been dead by summer." (GODS GRACE!) We had every reason not to find it. After all his heart had been cleared. His heart had been ruled out. BUT GOD. It makes me weep when I think about it. What could have, what should have happen. But God stepped in and made a way. (Oh GODS GRACE) It would be 7 days from the heart cath when dad was finally well enough to go in for Open Heart Surgery. That morning it was just the three of us in his hosptial room. Just mom, dad, and me. The way It had been my whole life. Up until this morning he had been nothing but peace. In the mist of what should have been the scariest time of his life he seemed the happiest. He laughed like I hadnt heard him in years. He joked, and talked. He TALKED so much. And I know its hard to believe,but he danced alot! ( GODS GRACE) I like to think part of him was relieved to have a answer. Even though it was scary and far from the news we wanted. Still it was a answer with a solution. A scary solution, but still a solution. However the morning of surgery he was visibly nervous. I will never EVER forget what he told us that morning.
"No matter what happens. Promise me you will take care of each other." His voice broke while he said it and we fought back our own tears as we promised. "I love you both so much" I remember saying we love you too. Although I honestly dont know how I mustered that out. And let me say that their is no shame in crying. However I think mom and I knew if either of us started that it would quickly escalate, and would get him worked up. And somehow we held back our tears. ( 100% Gods Grace.) Dad was taken back, we walked beside him until we couldnt anymore. Then the wait. Surgery was suppose to take 3-4 hours. We sat in the CCU ( Critical Care Unit) waiting room.We saw so many families there. Lots were there for heart surgeries. One wife of a man who had heart surgery at the same time as dad ( different surgeon) wept and shook. And as I watched her I wondered if something was wrong with me. Was I suppose to be that visibly shaken. (Gods Grace) Ill be 100% honest I thought all day about him dying. I thought about how I would need to take care of mom. I thought about the moment we would get the news. I thought about who to call first. How to inform family. How I would possibly make it. How would I be able to talk to people at his funeral. How I could possibly find a way to keep going for Connor. My mind raced. They came and told us he was on bypass. I thought about what that meant. Dads heart had been stopped. My dads heart wasnt beating anymore. I was so numb at that point. I couldnt even feel is the best way I can describe it. And then after only three hours they took us back to a room and said the surgeon was finishing up and would be in to talk to us soon. We sat in the little room for awhile, and then in walked the surgeon. Everything went well. He did fine. ( GODS GRACE) Such relief. Its like I could breathe again. Like I could feel again. He explained details ( that for time sake Ill leave out.) He then told us we could go in and see him in a few minutes, he explained that he was on a ventilator that was helping him breathe. I had saw my mamaw after her open heart surgery and this was the part I was dreading most. Cause honestly it changes you.
We went back to see dad just mom and I and honestly I dont know if its because I had saw Mamaw and knew 100% what to expect or if it was just Gods Grace once again, but he looked so peaceful. They didnt let us stay long because He would be waking up soon and they said typically they panic when they wake up with a tube down their throat ( understandable) and that sometimes family being their makes it worse. We gladly left for that.
The next time we went in was about 3 hours later during visiting hours and it was MUCH harder than seeing him on the vent. There was definitely no peace in the room. He yelled out in pain. He said "Why did they do this to me? They hurt me. Why did you let them do this? Im tied down. They hit me." I could keep going. I asked the nurse if he had gotten all the pain meds he was allowed to have and she said yes. So their was nothing we could do, but try to assure him he was ok. Alot of it was the anesthesia and morphine. But their was also alot of pain. He screamed for the next few days. One day he wouldnt even look at me when I went to visit. It was HARD! Mom and I never broke in front of him. ( GODS GRACE) I will say things did begin getting better once they removed his chest tubes. The nurse explained that alot of times they can be hitting nerves and when they are no amount of pain meds can touch the pain. You can always feel them and it is constant pain. He was discharged just 5 days after heart surgery and he continues to do well. ( Gods Grace.)
The day after he got to go home, Connor was diagnosed with Pneumonia. I could say when it rains it pours ( I actually have said that a few times). I could be bitter. I could say 2020 has been the WORST so far. I could wonder why us, why me. But today I had this thought. Its Gods Grace. The fact that Connor was not sick, during this time that my dad needed me. When my mom needed me with her. The fact that we caught Connors so early and are able to treat it at home, without a hospital stay Yes it stinks. But the fact that the day after dad is safely back home is when Connor got sick is absolutely Gods Grace.
And through all this I've learned that Bad things happen. Terrible trials hit us sometimes one after another, but if we take the time to look around Gods Grace is all over our story.
So instead of saying 2020 was a horrible year, Im claiming that 2020 is the year GODS GRACE showed up the most in my life. The Year that HE carried me, through some of the scariest stuff of my life. The year of HIS victory. The Year HE became more Physically visibly to me. Thats what I'm claiming for 2020.
