One sentence from a stranger changed my life....

  Today Connor went to see his Pulmonologist ( lung doctor) and due to his recent pneumonia he ordered a x ray. The doctor spoke to me about how I felt he was doing. I spilled out my concerns and he asked on a scale of 0-10 , 0 being no improvement where do I think he is. My answer was 7 or 8. I just cant understand why for 2 weeks straight his nose has poured snot.  The doctor agreed that this was a concern to him as well. We spoke about color and consistence and all the things that would make others cringe, but not a mama. Cause a mama knows all these answers and she knows when something just don't seem right. Since starting the antibiotic 10 days ago I saw my spunky carefree boy begin to come back, but still he is not quite himself. Part of the sparkle that lights up his eyes when he smiles is not there, others may not even notice but a mama knows. The doctor and I spoke about the antibiotic and how Amox Clav is one of the strongest and he is stumped as to why it hasn't worked. It sure has succeeded in turning his stomach inside out. That's why this morning when I told Connor it was his last day on the medicine, he clapped and cheered and we danced around the kitchen. Only our happiness high was temporary after we got the x ray results back reality snuck back in. "His lungs still have gunk in them", the doctors words. So we are moving onto a different antibiotic. So instead of knowing soon his stomach can settle back down, I know that were facing another 10 days of this. Instead of spending our last few days of spring break carefree and putting this scary sickness behind us here we sit waiting on it to pass still. I know things could be far worse and we are so blessed however I left Childrens Hospital today discouraged and worried.  Worried about another week hoping and praying the medicine works. Another week of watching my phone every two seconds waiting on  it to be the school saying Connor needs picked up. Waiting on things to get worse, all the while hoping things will get better. Cause a Mama knows when somethings not quite right, and although I had the feeling I was so hopeful that I was wrong. That my instincts were clouded by worry and stress. And just when we are filled with dread and sadness God sends us a sign that He is all knowing and All powerful and we are right where we are suppose to be. That all this is not in vain, that we have a purpose, and sometimes that purpose is huge and sometimes that purpose is to just be mama. Cause being Mama is HUGE.

  After we left the hospital we headed to eat. We stopped at a Mcdonalds and as we were waiting in line to order a man approached us and said " Ma'am its not much but can I give him something".  A little confused and with my guard slightly up I said yes. He handed Connor a dollar bill. Connor eagerly took it and I smiled and said thank you. He then said " God bless you for taking care of him."   He then said "bye buddy" and turned and walked away.

 A simple act that on somedays might not have meant that much, but today it meant everything. Because I am tired and worn. I am sick with worry, like I have literally been sick myself all week.  I am exhausted mentally, And I know its my job to take care of him. Its my job to make sure his every need is met and I  joyfully do it because I love him so much. But to have someone thank me. Someone we didn't know, someone who had no idea we were struggling. Someone who had no idea that I long to see that sparkle back when my son smiles. Someone who had no clue that I worry about how much work im missing, and then feel guilty cause I know Connor is my top priority. Someone who has no idea that I wonder how we are gonna pay those two ambulance bills, two ER visit bills, and all the medicine bills and still make all our other payments. Someone who had no idea that with one sentence he could change the day I was having. Sometimes  God calls us to do big jobs like be a Mama to a child with multiple health issues, and sometimes he calls us to go up to a total stranger in a mcdonalds line and say something kind. 

So keep following God and keep living out his purpose for you. No matter if they seem big or small, they are all equally as important and we never know how they can change someone elses day, heart, or life . So follow God and be the kindness this world desperately needs. Who knows He  might just allow you  to change someones life in line at mcdonalds.

" God bless you for taking care of him."  

 

Life is harder, Life is scarier, But Life is BETTER....

   What if I told you this life was gonna be hard? What if I said that there would be days you feel God had given you more than you could handle??  What if I said there would be times you felt like your heart couldn't take one more hit??  What if I told you there would be so many tears and times that the fear would overtake you? Times that you felt so crushed and defeated with no end in sight.  Would you make the same choice? Would you have to think twice? Would there be a different outcome to it all?

    Before Connor came home we knew many details about him. We knew a lot of his likes and dislikes and were given a medical report. All I was concerned about was his heart. When we found out that his heart was fine, I relaxed.

 Connor came home and in a few weeks we were off to the doctor. To have a physical, get shots, and just give him a good one over basically.

 We were sent to a cardiologist. We wanted the peace of mind of being sure for ourselves. There were a few concerns that turned out to be no big deal and within his first year of being home we were discharged from his cardiologist and told he didn't need to see us anymore. All the world was right.

 We met with a urologist and picked a date for Connors first surgery it was for a condition we knew about from his doctors in Hong Kong so it came as no surprise. And after being home only 8 weeks Connor had bilateral  orchiopexy surgery. You want to talk about having your heart ripped out. When they told us we couldn't go any further the helpless feeling that floods your body is the most overwhelming  thing I have ever experienced. The nurse carried Connor away and  I was crushed.  However in a few hours we were led back to his recovery room and I was told " Mom you can pick him up if you want" I scooped him off that bed and sat down in a rocking chair and rocked and sang and touched his hair and in that moment I was alone. Everything and everyone else faded away and it was just us and we were safe.

Next came Connors first ambulance ride and hospital stay due to pneumonia. I watched this beautiful boy go from joyful and playful to a lethargic tearful child that I almost didn't recognize. It was certainly one of the scariest times of my life, and yet I needed to be strong for him so that's exactly what I did. I helped nurses hold him down for ivs and tubes. I begged him to eat and drink. I sat in his hospital bed in the most comfortable positions for hours while he slept because he wouldn't sleep without me holding him. I watched as he slowly came back to that happy boy I knew. I cheered with him the night we left to go home, and once we got home and I tucked him in safely for the night and I was finally alone in a quiet house I let myself break. I cant remember how long I cried that night, but I do know once the tears started they just kept coming. And yet he never knew . No one ever knew because the next morning when he woke up there was mommy with her cheerful smile.

Then started the ear infections. Within a week back to the ER we went and I remember being so so afraid this time because I was afraid it was pneumonia. But it was a ear infection no big deal right get antibotics and recover and then go back to normal life. Only it would be 12 weeks of back to back to back ear infections and antibotics with horrible side effects and a sick sick boy. Finally we were referred to a ENT. Tubes it was and our next surgery was havng tubes put in. Only this time when they took him from me, It was in a hospital bed and although this is how the movies always show it, and I thought when the nurse carried him away for the first surgery it was the worst thing ever, I soon learned that him laying in a hospital bed being wheeled away fro me was much much worse.  Surgery went great and this time Connor was even better than the cheerful boy he was before. His ENT explained that he had likely always heard like he was underwater and after 4 years all of a sudden the world was crystal clear. It was an amazing experience to see him after that surgery to watch his head turn and the way he would look when we talked to him. By far one of the top amazing experiences of my life.

 In a few weeks Connor still would not comply for a hearing test so he was put to sleep again this time for a ABR.  auditory brainstem response ABR; a special hearing test that tracks the nerve signals arising in the inner ear as they travel along the auditory nerve to the brain region responsible for hearing. This was over within minutes and we were thrilled to learn that Connor hears perfectly with the tubes and fluid gone.

Connors latest surgery was on his eyes. Connors eyes muscles are too weak, which means his eyes would turn in. The biggest problem with this is it gives you double vision. So what happens is the brain learns to ignore one eye so that it is not seeing double. If the brain ignores the eye long enough it could stopping seeing with that eye all together so obviously we wanted this corrected asap. This was by far the toughest surgery recovery wise. Connor woke up from surgery in a lot of pain. He fought us and would not open his eyes for an entire 24 hours. All he did was cry and his tears were pure blood. It was one of the most heart breaking things I had ever seen and it was a helpless feeling when he wouldn't accept  our comfort because he hurt so badly. The day after surgery when he did open his eyes all the white in his eyes was blood red. This stayed this way for 3 weeks before it slowly began to fade away. Surgery was a success and his eyes look straight ahead now.

After Connors first time with pneumonia we were referred a Pulmonologist ( a lung doctor).  She discovered that Connor has scarring in his left lung and although this is not a big concern now it is something we have to watch and be very attentive to. Connor also has pectus excavatum   which is a congenital deformity of the anterior thoracic wall in which the sternum and rib cage grow abnormally. More than likely this will not be a concern as he grows, but we do have to watch to ensure as he grows it does not crowd his lungs. Connors was also put on a steroid to ensure that his lungs stay clear. This steroid however will not help once he becomes sick, it only works as a preventative. If Connor has a cold we immediately start breathing treatments every 4/6 hours on a different medication. 

So Connor sees his 3 specialist every three months.
His Pulmonologist
His ENT
His Eye Doctor.

Its a lot of appointments. Its a lot of stress and worry, but we are so so grateful for each of them and the way they have helped Connor.

We had another scare last week with Connor he couldnt breathe and after two ambulance rides and two different hospitals we found out it was pneumonia. Luckily his while blood count was not elevated, the way it normally is with pneumonia meaning we caught it very early. After 4 breathing treatments Connors oxygen level was back to normal and we were discharged. With antibiotics he is back to his cheerful self and were hopeful he is finally on the road to recovery once again. We go back for a x ray soon and were hopeful that his lungs will be clear.

Connors last appointment at his ENT we discovered his tubes had fell out. They had been in 6 months. There was no fluid and all looked well so we were told as long as he didn't have another infection we should be in the clear and not need another set. Today we had a appointment with his ENT and it was discovered that the fluid was back. Normally we would immediately schedule surgery to have tubes put in again, however with pneumonia he cannot be put to sleep. So we have the surgery scheduled for may so that he has time to heal and recover.

Are you feeling overwhelmed yet?? I know I am. It seems no matter what  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because I have found that it always does. Now I know what your thinking this is no way to live and im well aware, but its become my normal. Because it seems everytime I let my guard down I am faced again with a setback. But  as hard as it can be at times I push through. Not because im some resilient person. Not because im super brave, and certainly not because im tough enough to handle it, but because being his mother is a privilege.

Through all this Connor is the resilient one. He is the bravest kid I know. He is so tough and he handles it all with stride. He has been through so much and this is not  even counting all he went through the three years prior to coming into our lives. I am honored to just know him, little on being blessed to be his mother. I had no control over bringing him into this world and yet He has become my whole world what a privilege that is.

You can bet that life is hard.  I certainly have thought on several occasions that God has given me more than I can handle.  I would be lying If I said there weren't times that I thought my heart couldn't take anymore.  Im certain I could fill a ocean with my tears and have felt fear like I have never known before.  I have been crushed and defeated on many occasions. And yet even if I knew all this before hand. Even If God had given me a glimpse of all this before my choice would remain the same.  A different outcome is not something I can even fathom. Because even in my darkest hour, even when im crushed and defeated and the tears are pouring there is a bigger fear above all the rest. A fear that is so real that it cuts me to the core. It takes me deeper than my heart can even possibly fathom, the fear of knowing that I could have missed this. I could have easily said no, I could have let the fear of unknown dictate my decision to be this beautiful souls mama. I could have let the what Ifs and the worries win. I could have let the fears take over, but I didn't because I had this feeling that God placed in my heart. This feeling that I needed to know him. That I needed to have him in my life. This feeling that life might be harder, but that life would be better with him. That feeling was 100% right.

"And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you."

Isn't He important too?/

    Recently I read some comments on a post by a page called I love Adoption//Adoption.com  The original post was about the plummet of international adoptions.   The comments on the post were in my opinion atrocious!

" There are PLENTY of children here that need a family to love them and give them a permanent home."

" Why is it so wrong to put American kids in homes first??"

" There are thousands of kids in foster care here. They need homes too.And should be our priority."

" We need to take care of our own. Why go overseas??"

These are only a few and each made my stomach turn as I begged myself to stop reading and yet I couldnt look away.

When I read these words my heart crumbles because in these peoples eyes when they see my family, they assume I dont care about the children without homes in the US. They see my son and instead of seeing a life saved, and one less orphan, they see the child who could have had a home if we had only made a different choice, they look at my family in bewilderment and cannot fathom why we have turned our back on the children in our country.

Heres what I have to say. They all matter! We care about all children without a home. Because we chose to grow our family through international adoption does not mean that we are against domestic adoption. it doesnt mean were against foster care adoption. We believe ALL children are important. We have a heart for Adoption period, all shapes and forms.  But when your judging me for a choice my husband and I made, I wanna ask you one thing. What about my son?? Doesnt he matter??

No mom or dad. No family to call his own. Isnt he worthy of a family?? Isnt he important?? 
Why is it that when others make a choice that we could never see ourselves making it automatically means they are wrong??

While I do not know any of the people personally that made these comments I do wonder what have they done to help the world crisis?? What have they done for children in the US without a home, they seem very passionate about pointing out that my families choice was wrong and yet I wonder have they done anything, besides blame me for depriving a child in our country without a home, by adopting my son from overseas. This way of thinking is absurd, and yet it is far from uncommon. To be honest I have heard it from those in my own family. I have been questioned by those very dear to me. Thats ok, thats life, it doesnt make it right, it doesnt make me happy, but everyones entitled to their opinion whats not ok is to assume that because I chose international I am against domestic or foster care adoption. I see and love many who formed their families many different ways. I dont wish they had chose the same way as me, I dont see their choice as a international child without a home. I see their children as blessings bottom line. So why cant they see mine that way??

Connor was on the waiting list of children needing a home for 2 years. To say that I should have chose a child from the US is to say that he should still be waiting.  Its saying that he should be important to someone else but not to me. 

       Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is magical. Adoption comes in many forms. To say one way is right and one way is wrong is completely irrational. 

When God placed adoption on our hearts. We prayed and prayed. The more we prayed and drew closer to Him the more he began to reveal his plan. He directed us to international adoption. He directed us to Hong Kong and then He directed us to this beautiful face.

   And He showed us that he was important. He told us that he was our son. He paved the road ahead and brought us to this child.

The song  No longer Slaves says it best

"You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
You drowned my fears in perfect love"

God went every step of our adoption with us. So many road blocks and red tape filled the way and yet he split the sea so we could walk right through and although we were scared to death our fears were drowned by perfect love when our eyes looked into the most beautiful brown eyes. 

Never once did I wish God had called us to  adopt domestically. Never once did I wish my son was from the US. Just like I know those who have adopted domestically or through foster care have  never wished their child was from overseas.  Our journeys in life are all different, but who are we to say one way is right and one way is wrong. 

My wish is that others could look at my family and say Wow God is faithful period. I dont want applause. I want the glory, honor, and praise to go to God because that is where it belongs.  I want my family to be a testament of Gods goodness and mercy.  

To say we should have made a different choice is to discredit God and his plan, and there is nothing more unfathomable than that to me. This is my answer to all those who question how and why  would we grow our family by bringing in a child from outside of the US. Gods ways are always higher and His plans are always good and my family was His plan and you could never make me believe any different, your opinion is irrelevant the end.  :)

An Unexpected Spiral

   Yesterday my world spiraled out of control for a couple hours. Its an odd feeling to out of no where see events unfolding in front of you and yet it seems your just there. Your standing in the room, but your mind, your thoughts they are a hundred miles ahead. They are on millions of what ifs and how you need to prepare for whats to come. Thats what happened to me yesterday and I rose. I rose to the occasion because its the only choice I had. Because it was just me making so many tough decisions. It all rest on me and in the mist of all the thoughts, all the what ifs, all the fears I rose up.

   I arrived home from work like any other day. I was tired and ready to get my dress clothes off, put on pjs, cook dinner, and relax with my family. Only unknown to me none of that was about to happen. I walked into the house and was about to make a B line for the bedroom to get into my pjs when I walked past the living room I glanced in on my way by, first I only saw Connors feet and my mind automatically thought he was asleep since he was laying on the couch ( he had been). Upon my second glance I felt my heart drop I ran across the living room and grabbed his burning hot body off the couch. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the thermometer. My hands were shaking as I removed it from its plastic case, I glanced at Connor who I had sat on the kitchen table. His entire body shook and his lip quivered and I knew he was chilling. And I knew his temp had to be sky high and I knew, I immediately knew he needed help. I laid the thermometer back down and grabbed my phone. I called his pediatrician and asked for a appointment, and the next thing I knew I was placing him in his carseat and speeding down the road. I drove fast, and I glanced in my rear view alot and each time I did  I felt  my foot push the gas a little harder. His face was a purplish red and although he tried to cry all that came out was a whimper as he struggled for each breath.  And as I drove I wondered why. I had called Jeremy only two hours earlier to check on him. He had had a runny nose and runny eyes the day before and I worry. He was up playing, only two hours earlier. Why, What had changed so quickly. Why, why does this incredibly joyful child have to endure so much pain and difficulty.  I continued to drive with so many thoughts filling my mind.

  We arrived. I signed in. It had been a year since we updated paperwork, So I sat beside my child while he struggled to whimper and filled out paperwork. It seems so crazy to me now, but at the time I just felt relieved that we would have answers soon.  We were called back and Connor was weighed, and then his temp was taken. He is always a champ for these two things, but not today, today he spiraled out of control, his outward appearance was how I felt on the inside. We were then rushed to a room, but not before I made sure to get a peak at the thermometer. My heart sank, and yet I already obviously knew but something about seeing 103 seemed to make time standstill. It was not just a cold, my instincts were correct something is definitely not right.

   We went into a room, I quickly explained his symptoms. And the nurse rushed out to get medicine for the fever. Within seconds the doctor appeared, a new doctor. I was fine seeing the new doctor, but my first thoughts were no, not today. I wanted someone who knew this sweet boy, who knew that he never cries, someone who could take one glance and know that this was not Connor. Almost immediately after she entered the room Connor vomited. In that moment something changed and I knew, I knew we were about to go to the hospital. I knew that he was vomiting because he was so hot and although I was surrounded by medical staff and I knew he was in good hands, it was the first time I let myself be afraid. The doctor questioned me about what he has eaten, it was red and I didnt catch on at the time, but I now know that she probably was afraid it might be bloody. I remember my voice sounding shaky and panicked as I answered I dont know hes been at school. I hated it. I hate ever not having answers when comes to my son, even if its something as simple as what did he eat today.  They then put the oxygen reader on him and that when everyone in the room began to seem panicked to me. I was told we were gonna be sent to the hospital and  that she was not comfortable with me driving him because his oxygen level was so low. The next thing I knew two EMTs came in the room, the doctor asked if she could call anyone for me and I said Ill call them on the way. Meanwhile I am spiraling, my thoughts raced and fear soared through me. I remember the doctor saying what about your car, and thats when I let the tears fall. I sobbed as I said im not worried about the car. I ugly face cried right there as I grabbed my son and my purse. I remember the doctor appologizing for upsetting me and me telling her it was ok, that I was ok. I climbed on the gurney and held Connor on my lap, they buckled us in and down the hallway we went, we passed a window and I could see our reflection, my breath caught in my throat and I thought why is this happening. Thirty minutes ago I was leaving work and my only thoughts were I cant wait to put on my pjs and what should i cook for dinner.. As We went out on the sidewalk it was raining so they covered us with a blanket so we wouldnt get wet, you get it they were rolling a gurney and we were covered with a white sheet! I remember having a good laugh about this, obviously this is not even funny but we were nervous so we laughed. We arrived at Athens hosptial and were taken to a room. Connor was hooked up to an IV and given fluids.

 Bloodwork was taken and sent to the lab and a chest xray was taken. I kept thinking please let it be strep, or a ear infection, or anything but pneumonia. Chest xrays came back, hello pneumonia. Connor was given antibotics and steroids through his Iv.  He was given a breathing treatment and tylenol since his temp was still 101.  There was mention of a catheter, which made me want to have another breakdown. Luckily they didnt end up putting one in. After around 4 hours EMTS were loading us up again and off to Childrens hospital we went. The steriods, antibotics, and fluids had made a change in Connor he smiled and yelled bye bye the entire ambulance ride. And even though I knew we had a long rode ahead I was happy to see a glimpse of my happy boy again.

 We rode through the storm it poured rain and the wind blew us around. We arrived and began the questions we had been asked all day all over again.  Connor was given another breathing treatment and hooked up to a oxygen reader. His oxygen was much better. The doctors believe it was due to the breathing treatments, but also because he was no longer in distress.  Another chest xray was taken. Connor has scaring in his right lung so his flims can be tricky to read so the doctor at childrens wanted his own to look at.  Connor ate some cherrios and watched toy story 3.  But what he didnt do was sleep. The let us know that although he was holding his oxygen at a normal level they wanted to monitor him while he slept. Finally at 2am he fell asleep.

Connor oxygen was monitored until 3am, it did drop but only to a low normal. We were then discharged.  And it seemed the nightmare may finally be over.

 Connor still has a road of recovery ahead, but with breathing treatments and antibotics they believe  he will be on the mend very soon. We are overwhelmed by the messages, well wishes, and prayers that have went up for our sweet boy. His a wonderful feeling to know your baby is cherished and loved by so many people. Please continue to pray for healing, recovery, and brave faces as we put this scary day behind us.  

Consumed with Connor

  So lately I have had something on my heart and mind, no matter what I go back to it over and over. I am certain I am being convicted in some way, but I dont quite have all the answers but am praying for guidance and understanding of what I need to do or be doing differently. Ill just get right into it...

When I started this blog in 2011 it was to keep our family and friends undated on what the Lord was doing through us in Montana. I named the blog His purpose His Glory.  Sometimes it was just light and fun and other times it was about serious struggles and ways to pray for us and often it was also stories of the mountains we have seen God move and his faithfulness all around us.

Of course in 2014 it became mostly about our adoption journey. It updated you on exactly where we were and how we specifically needed your prayers.

In 2016 however it became consumed with Connor. Our journey home, adjusting to our new life as  a family of three. His medical concerns, surgeries, therapies, and my struggle with the highs and lows of motherhood. And while Its fine that I am now Consumed with my sweet boy, lately a thought keeps coming to my mind.

Am I living out His Purpose and His Glory??

I know that motherhood often consumes our lives and its often said too be our most important job, and while I whole heartedly agree I cant help but think  theres got to be more. I cant help but ponder on the question am I too consumed with Connor??

Being a mother has been one of the greatest blessings of my life, and its one of the most important things in my life to care for and raise this beautiful boy, but all my other responsiblities cant just go out the window.

Im a mother, but im also a wife. Im also a daughter. Im also a granddaughter. Im also a coworker. Im also a church member. Im also a friend.

I feel like maybe somewhere in 2016 I picked up Connor and laid everything else down. This cant be right, this cant be how im suppose to live.

When I went back to work 12 weeks after bringing Connor home, I told myself I couldnt do it. I literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. I knew he was in excellent hands, I knew he loved school. And I now know I wasnt, but I felt like I was slacking off on my responsibility. I felt like it should be me, there caring for his every need. I spent way too much time those first few weeks back at work locked in the bathroom crying.  We adjusted and I know that I can do both, and those days locked in the bathroom sobbing seem so silly now.

But what about everything else.

Did my husband lose his wife, when I became a mother. Obviously im still married and am happily married let me add. But am I still making my husband a priority. I like to think yes, but all too often I know im slacking. Obviously when little man came along life shifted. I mean it had to, but I have to keep my marriage a priority. I have to continue striving to be a good wife. I have heard the quote many times " The best gift a father can give  his children is to love their mother". But what about us mothers??

Lately I find myself completely overwhelmed with life in general. Raising a child, working full time it will do that to you sometimes. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, but am I being the best at everything of course not. I use to think that I need to give 100% at being a good mother, because thats my most important job and while i dont think thats completely inaccurate I do think I have to give my best effort at all other areas in my life too.

I feel like I am failing majorly. I feel like I am too consumed with Connor. I know that might seem like a senseless thing to say, but I feel so convicted that I have put the focus on him and forgotten who I am and all my other titles in life.

Honestly what got my to thinking about this was my blog. I tried to remember my last post that wasnt in some way about Connor, and I couldnt. Im not saying its a completely bad thing, but I feel I have slipped in being the person I need to be because of it.

I know this blog is still about Gods goodness, his mercy, and grace. His faithfulness over our family, but theres got to be more than medical appointments and Iep meetings along with cute pictures in my life.

I have sit and pondered for weeks about this. Have I even been being the Christian I need to be??  What opportunities have I missed out on these last two years?? Was there a family member or friend struggling and hurting right in front of me and I didnt even notice because im too busy filling sippy cups and changing diapers?? How many opportunities have I missed out on because im too focused on that adorable little face and too consumed on being the best mom I can be.

How can I do better?? How can I do more?? My mind likes to tell me im doing the best I can. I am busy raising a child with special needs. I need to spend all my time and energy on him. I know that this is a true statement and yet I also know that the enemy can convince us  of many things. The enemy could want me to put all my time, energy, and focus on my little one in order to distract me from other things God has in store.

I really hope this is all making sense. Please know that my son and his needs are not something I want to push aside, I know that caring for and raising him is my job. I know that I do NEED to focus on being a good mother. I need to keep Connor my top priority, but I think he has been my only priority and thats where I have been completely wrong.

I have many other responsiblities in this life. I have other areas that need my focus too. I could be cheating myself out of countless blessings and opportunites the Lord has for me because I stopped with this one huge blessing God gave me. I have to learn to juggle it all. I have to be better about making other areas of my life a priority as well as my child. I have to be that wife, daughter, and friend that God has called me to be.

I have to learn to live a life that is no longer consumed with Connor. This may very well be my biggest struggle. I think for two years I have dropped the ball on all other areas of my life, because I picked up the motherhood ball and held on tight and let the other balls roll on by. This cant be how im suppose to live. I know that I was made for so much more.  Would you please pray for me as I learn to be less consumed with Connor and to reshift my focus on all the areas in my life that I have neglected since becoming a mother. That God would show me how to juggle it all, and be the person I was meant to be and not just solely Connors mother.

What I need you to understand....

   I know what your thinking, and I  understand. You wonder why I carry my son so much. You say I should let him walk. You wonder how long im gonna continue to carry him.

 When I say I understand im serious. I totally get the concerns. I know that it doesnt help those at school, I know that it doesnt help him grow stronger and more stable on his feet.  I know that Connor may only weigh 26 pounds, but I  also know hes tall. Ive had the obvious stated "Hes as long as you" while you laugh because im carrying him. I know that before hes too heavy to carry, he will become to tall for me to carry.  I know that I may be physically unable to carry him long before he outgrows the urge to be carried. I know all the concerns. Ive heard all the advice. I know for the most part it doesnt come from a malicious place. And while I understand and while im mostly in agreement theres something I need everyone to understand too.

My arms ached for 7 years. I longed for a baby of my own, and I yearned to hold my child. I prayed for it, I dreamed about it, it consumed my thoughts. It seems irrational I know, but I promise my arms ached to  feel the weight of my child in them. Then after the 7 year wait I finally saw my sons face, but it was another 21 months before I was able to hold my sweet boy.  And I know that my son is not a baby. I know that when I came into his life he was already a little boy.  Trust me I know. Thats why I carry him. Thats why when his arms reach for me they are met with my arms. I didnt get to carry my child for the first year of his life, like other moms do. I know that this seems like a pity party statement, but its me being honest. Im not blind to the fact that i dont have much longer. I know that I cannot continue down this path, because soon I will no longer be able to just put him on my hip and carry him everywhere. I know that he will spend less time in my arms as we walk through life. Sure ill still hold him anytime, but being able to carry him will no longer be a continuous option. So thats why for now you'll see him on my hip alot. Thats why when you see him reach for me, he is not first met with the words no you need to walk.

So call me crazy, and whisper your disapproval if you must, but my arms ached for so long and im carrying him for as long as physically possible.

There will be lots of things I will wish I had did different as the years go by and I look back on how I raised and parented this precious boy. But what you wont hear me say is " I wish I had carried him more."