Our Story is so Important.....

      Last week Connor, LaLa ( my mom), and myself were eating in a restaurant when it became apparent we were being watched. A older couple in a booth across from us watched and smiled at practically every move Connor made. It was one of those good days when he was giggling and being wildly cute. We got up to leave and the lady said "I dont wanna offend you but is he adopted??"  I wont lie sometimes this is immediately annoying, but because of her sweet voice and gentle body language my guard never went up. I said yes he is, while I brushed his hair out of his eyes. She smiled and said "Our James is adopted too. He's from Albania." I replied "Thats awesome! Connor is from Hong Kong", She smiled and said "yes." ( I often forget that most people have already filled in that gap. haha) She then said " James is 30 now. It goes by so quickly how old is he??" I told her " hes six today." Her husband said " Well Happy Birthday Buddy."   Connor was grinned at them at this point so I said tell them bye at which he ran over to their table and hugged them both. I left feeling pretty incredible, because they got it. They didnt need to know all the details to reach out and connect with me.  

  This interaction left me with a few thoughts. First off how awesome to know theres still nice folks in this world. Second, how often do I immediately put my guard up and feel annoyed when the person is more than likely well meaning and just curious, and Third and the biggest thing I took away from this encounter is our story is important. 

I dont mean  to sound high and mighty. Yall know thats not me at all. I dont want the spot light to be placed on us, or even on Connor. I want the spotlight to always fall on God. The creator of the Universe who put all things in motion, and by his divine intervention made us a family. Our story is only important because it shows His love and grace. It shows how he works all things out for our good if we trust Him and will let Him use us. 

I was driving today, listening to the radio and Connors babbles from the backseat when a song came on the radio that spoke deeply to me. Its called Confidence and its by Sanctus Real. ( I"ll link it below.) The first verse goes like this.

I’m not a warrior
I’m too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what you’re calling me to
But Lord with your strength
I’ve got no excuse
'Cause broken people are exactly who you use.

I cannot even explain how these words spoke to me. I know I share alot, like a whole lot, but our story is so important. Not because of us, were ordinary people. Nothing about  us is anything special, but God used us in a very special way.

I can vividly remember feeling unqualified. Name a excuse and I promise I tried to use it. You wanna talk about being afraid, I cannot even describe to you the fear i felt. Broken people, thats us to a T.  But God!!! God chose us to parent this beautiful boy. This innocent child who needed us.

Those first few weeks Connor called us both mama. To some thats odd, but really it makes perfect sense. Mama was whoever took care of him. Mama wasnt a specific person,because he wasnt aware it was suppose to be. But God! God picked me. God made me mama. Now im the only one he calls that name, he knows that mama is me, and just me.

That part of our story is important. Gods perfect plan shines so brightly through when I tell that part. Its important that its shared. 

Connor spent the beginnings of his life in foster care before being moved to the orphanage. Connor was given a farewell party before leaving the orphanage with us ( a tradition for all the children before going home.) We had the privilege of meeting Connors foster mother when she came to his farewell party. They made a circle with us at the front and asked if anyone had anything they wanted to say to us or connor. She stepped forward, she spoke no english and used a interpreter, but she didnt let that stop her. Her words are forever etched in my mind.  "When Connor was a baby, I looked in his eyes everyday I prayed for you to come. I prayed for him to have a mother and father to love him. I can tell you love him. And today my prayers are answered. You are the answer to our prayers for Connor."

I saw a different side for the first time when I heard her words. Because we prayed for so long for a child, all we saw was OUR prayers being answered. Connor was our answered prayer, but when she spoke and I looked at all the tear filled eyes and head nods surrounding me I realized to them WE were the answered prayer. 

I share all this to say If you feel God urging you to speak, do it. Dont make a excuse. Dont let your words coming out unclear stop you. Dont be afraid to speak to a stranger in a restaurant. Your story is important. It could shed a whole knew light on someones situation. Your words could change everything, it could be just what someone needs.  Dont let fear hold you back. Dont feel or  worry about being unqualified. Follow God. Never Forget Your Story is Important!

Click here to hear the song Confidence by Sanctus Real

A very Significant Birthday.....

Happy Birthday my precious Connor!!!

This year is a very significant birthday because Connor has finally spent as many birthdays with us as he spent without us.  We might have missed his first three birthdays, but looking back we know he was loved and celebrated for his big days!!!

This last picture was taken on  Connors third birthday when he was told he had a Mama and Daddy coming for him soon and he was introduced to us for the first time through video and pictures!!

Its so apparent through the photos that each birthday were such special occasions. I have tons more pictures with cakes and streamers and party hats ( the other children are in them so I will not be sharing those.)

And then of course Connors 4th birthday was his first birthday with us. 

 Then was number 5

And then somehow today is Birthday number 6!!! 

 We love you so much Connor and we are so incredibly proud of the little boy your becoming!!!

I don't tell you everything.....

 Hi guys first off let me say im sorry if this is a little scattered im literally a little wonky after getting a steroid shot earlier today ( Sinus infection.) Anyway Ive had something on my mind lately and I think its time to let it out so here goes nothing.....


I dont tell you everything....

I know this will come as a shock to some since I do share quite a bit on social media, but theres a whole lot I do not share.. First let me say that I do not think social media is a place to air out all your dirty laundry.  Its just asking for trouble which is one reason I dont do drama on social media, I just dont have the time or energy for that stuff. Anyway on the other hand as a advocate for Adoption, Down Syndrome, Medical issues, and just day to day life as a special needs mama I feel its so important that I stay open and honest. Not to seek attention, but in hopes that if someone else is struggling with similar issues they will see my story as either a light at the end of the tunnel, or they could even be my light at the end of the tunnel. However  we'll never know if were not open. We are all struggling at one time or another with one thing or another so be kind and if you have experience by all means offer support, in a non opinionated, unbossy way of course.  So with that being said here's a little insight to the things I keep to myself....

 This morning for instance I posted a picture of Connor because it was picture day and he was all dressed up. He was smiling and happy as could be waiting for the bus, but what I didnt mention is that picture was taken after a major breakdown this morning.

 See what I have only mentioned to a handful of close family and friends is Connor has started yelling and screaming when he gets mad. It always results in tears ( sometimes from both of us.) And What ive never told anyone is I have no idea what to do. On the one hand I will not allow my child to scream at me when he doesnt get his way, and yet deep down I know most of the root of the problem is hes frustrated because he cant make the words in his head come out. Connor is extremely smart, theres not a doubt in my mind that he knows what he wants to say, but he cant make it come out. Can you imagine how frustrating that is???   What I've never even said outloud to a soul is my heart breaks wide open, not because it bothers me that hes nonverbal, but because I know it bothers him. Because I know he has so much he wants to say. What ive never told anyone, but his daddy is im afraid of the future. Ya know when hes bigger than me. Im afraid of him being aggressive and  having behavior issues. Im scared of the day We might have to make a decision about medications, Im scared of being looked down on because of future choices we could possibily have to make for him. Thats my truth. Thats the reality. Thats the part I leave out. I leave it out because I want to assure you that life is so good, and thats not a lie because it is!! I love my life. I love my husband, I love my child. I love my job. I love my family. I love my Coworkers. I love my life you get the picture. And the last thing I wanna do is make anyone think any different. The last thing I wanna do is fail at advocating, or scare anyone from thinking they can parent a child with special needs. And yet at the same time part of advocating is telling the whole truth, not just parts of it.

 So life is wonderful, what I share is not a lie. However the part I often leave out is life is difficult too. We struggle. We cry ( yes both of us.) We  have mountains to still climb. We certainly dont have all the answers, and it can be oh so scary sometimes. Thats the part I leave out. Thats the part I rarely shine light on, because to let it all out might make one think that the good isnt really so good which is entirely untrue. Connors abilities far outweigh his disability. He is so so much more than Down Syndrome. He is perfect to us despite the delays and struggles. And yet when I dont talk about them, when I dont share the entire truth I  actually could be hurting my advocacy. I could be failing to help someone that can relate to us, someone that our story could have helped.  So im laying it all out there and my hope is that it will help someone else, and my prayer is that im not misunderstood like I often am when I attempt to be honest and open about everything not being all rainbows and butterflies. But I believe the whole truth is important so here it is...

What I post on social media is not a lie, but its not everything.

Life is beautiful and were happy, oh so happy. But what I dont share is Life is hard too. Its messy and loud and yet calm and peaceful. Its tears of sadness and frustration and yet its unbelieveable joy and endless laughter. Its unfathomably difficult days that are then followed by fun filled happy days.  Its yelling and defiance and then hugs and kisses, lots of kisses. Its mean looks from others when he refuses to walk and me carrying him and yet also mean looks when  I tell him he has to walk and him sitting down in the middle of wherever we are. Its trying to balance when to be tough and when to be gentle and soft. Its having no idea what the right thing to do is because your child is not typical and yet knowing that you want to raise him the way you would any other child. Its knowing that you cant. Its knowing that you can. Its tears of joy when he hits a new milestone ( he signed potty repeatedly one afternoon and was successful each time) followed by tears of frustration ( he hasnt signed it since and uses his diaper even after just being took to the potty.) Its being over the moon proud, and then feeling lost and unsure where to turn. Its admitting these truths even when you know you'll be looked at as weak, dramatic, and possibly even uncaring. Its knowing that its okay to say I have no idea what im doing, but I love my child exactly the way he is even on the really hard days. Its knowing that some will see your honesty as complaining and question why you chose this life.

 Its knowing that sometimes its best to not tell everything, and yet knowing that telling the whole truth is important when appropriate.  Its understanding the balance. Its juggling it all, and yet still shouting from the roof top that You love every single part of your life. Its being thankful for those difficult days and knowing that laughter and kisses will follow. Its knowing that tomorrows a new day and no matter what you got this.

I dont tell you everything, but today I stepped out of my box and now you know it all.