Whats next??

Waiting on HCO (travel) is tough. Monday only makes one week ( should take around 8-10) and I already ache it hurts so bad. I think its knowing were so close and yet it feels forever away. When I tell you we cannot wait I know you obviously know thats a understatement. The thought of meeting Connor and finally bringing him home to join us in our everyday lives is so exciting and yet feels so unreal to me. I am over the moon about every single thing, but what I am most excited about is watching our friends and family fall head over heels in love with this little boy too.


    Now we are waiting on HCO ( Higher Court Order) meaning a court date. This should take anywhere from 8-10 weeks. We will then be given travel dates from anywhere from 1-3 weeks later. It is so overwhelming that the next news we hear will be travel dates. This is something that always seemed so far away and now I just feel like im in shock and in a daze! We cannot wait to wrap our arms around our son and bring him home to meet all of you!

Halloween 2015

Halloween is always fun but we know 2016 will be the best because our Robin (Connor)will be here!!

Exactly how God intended....

   A few weeks ago I decided to take a day off. A monday to just hangout with Jeremy and relax (Jeremy is off on mondays.) I tried to get the 19th but too many people had already asked off so I said no problem (since we didnt have any plans, that was the point a day with no plans.) So I got the following Monday which was Monday the 26th. We slept in, went to China Wok, cashed our adoption grant check, then we went grocery shopping. I had told Jeremy that morning wouldnt it be great to get adoption news today, since we were actually together. We were in Walmart grocery shopping, my phone always connects to their wifi which no offense is slower than smoke and so I can do nothing on my phone. Anyway we were about to get into the checkout line when ding I heard the sound of a email come in, and my breath caught in my throat the way it does now when I hear that familiar sound since being on our adoption journey.  When I clicked on the email it of course wouldnt open or even show who it was from due to the slow wifi. I was super anxious hoping and sliently praying that it was from our agency. We checked out and headed to the car with our groceries. We were pulling out of the parking lot and I was continuously trying to open this email that was probably just spam. We pulled out of walmart and onto the highway when at last about 4 emails came in and one was indeed from our agency. I said to myself over and over please please let this be it. I barely remember reading the email what I do remember is turning and staring at Jeremy. He said what and I just smiled. I remember the words I think we might have just got article 5. Then it was all smiles and excitement. I emailed our social worker to make sure she was saying we had received article 5 and we were moving onto the next step. She confirmed and then it was shock, and excitement, but the emotion that I felt most was happiness and relief. See our next step is travel. 8-10 weeks and then the moment we have fought 20 months for. The moment we meet our son.  So I like to think that I was always meant to have Monday October 26th off. We were meant to be driving down the highway together just us when we got amazing news, and I cant help but remember how all the other BIG moments of our adoption played out and each one was different. They were all meant to play out exactly how God intended them to, and I wonder how will this next step play out. What are those special dates We'll be given. I believe they are going to play out exactly how God intended them to and I trust Him completely.

"I know Everyone means well, but Christmas may not be the dates God intended and we want the dates He has picked not dates that get him home for a holiday thats true purpose and value has seem to be forgotten. We will celebrate Jesus birth with Connor when He  comes home. We want him on the dates God intended not on December 25th."
                                                                                         ----Stephanie (Connors Mama)

The 8-10 week countdown offcially began Monday October 26th!

 I love you Connor and I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you!!!

Adoption is so worth it.

 Adoption....its hard, its exciting, its frustrating, its blissful, its heartbreaking, its worth it.


Adoption has stretched me further than I wanted to be stretched, it has matured me in ways I never thought possible, it has changed me into someone I wouldnt have recognized before.

The love for my son came so easy, so fast almost like it snuck in one night and there it was. This amazing unconditional love that was so simple and came without any effort.

The adoption has been a struggle. The paperwork, the questions, the back and forth. the waiting.  The rollercoaster ride of emotions it takes you on. Nothing about it has been easy.  Actually quite the opposite it has been hard REALLY hard, it has been painful VERY painful.

When we were trying to get pregnant.....for years, I thought I would never cry so many tears. However I was completely wrong, the adoption has brought thousands more tears. Tears of frustration, tears of heartbreak, tears of sadness,tears of exhaustion, but all the tears werent bad there were also tears of joy, tears of triumph, tears of bliss, tears of excitement.

The planning should be a joyous time, but the fun can be drained out and it become stressful and leave you anxious when you are asked to explain your plan for your child while you work or if you plan not to work explain how you expect to survive the financial difficulties  of only one income.  Insurance plans, childcare plans, Plans that are sometimes years away from actually needing to be put into place.

However I have experienced the joyous planning too. Preparing his bedroom has been so amazingly exciting and fun. Imaging leaving work each day and heading to the babysitters to see my little man. yes, planning also has its fun moments.

Dont forget the money. Oh just $23,000 !! I have cried, I have prayed, I have begged. Believe it or not I do have my pride, but that all went out the window when I was trying to raise the money for our adoption. I fought for every penny. I struggled for each dime. I begged, prayed, pleaded.

So yes adoption is war. It is a fight, it is a struggle, It is so so painful. However because of this fight, this painful struggle there is this beautiful little boy. There is this unconditional love even though I have never held him in my arms. This war I have been fighting is for him, and when we finally see that sweet little face and realize its all for that moment, things no longer matter like the paperwork  you tell yourself that it wasnt that bad. That exhaustion you convince yourself you werent so tired really.  The planning that was so stressful you dont remember it being that big a deal. The waiting was just part of it but it wasnt so bad. The money, well you'd beg for it all again. The tears, the sadness, the heartbreak, the pain you forget all of it, and your filled with one feeling and you want to shout it to the world.....Adoption is so worth it!!  He is so worth it.

Dont rush us.....

I have had alot of people ask if Connor is still in diapers the answer is yes. Keep in mind that even though Connor is three he is on a 9-10 month old level so he is not ready to be potty trained. Only time will tell when he will be ready and that's ok. His life is going to completely change when we bring him home. 12 hour time difference, new smells, new sights trying to potty train to fast will only cause him to become upset and more confused. We will potty train eventually but don't rush us. 




"A negative society will affect my quality of life far more than Down Syndrome ever will"    --Unknown

I feel guilty.....

  When I use to babysit full time I saw it, I saw moms dropping off babies they didnt wanna leave. I saw them pry little hands off their legs and quickly slip out the door and  oh the tears that fell from tiny eyes and those Mamas tears when she was in the car alone. It all  made me so sad. I saw them linger until the very last moment before they literally had to leave to avoid being late for work. I  saw them give kisses and hugs and say their see ya laters. I got it, except I didnt get it at all.....

   Connor has never even been in my arms and yet the thought of leaving him for 8 hours a day 5 days a week is unbearable. I literally have anxiety when I think about it. When we planned our day out for our adoption we had a sitter lined up and all was well, however now that its getting closer to time to actually bring my little guy home I feel distraught. And I get it. I feel the despair of prying those little arms off your leg and feeling so so guilty that you have to work. I know I too will linger until the last possible moment avoiding those see ya laters.

I feel guilty that I have to work.

In a perfect world all Mamas would be able to stay home with their babies ( if they wanted to). There would be no prying tiny arms from Mamas legs, or tear filled see ya laters. Unfortunately thats not the world we live in and for those Mamas who have to work, your not alone.  And as hard as it is to leave your tiny love , it makes those squeals and smiles because your back so much more sweet after a long day. It makes those saturday morning cuddles so much more meaningful.  Your child wont think your terrible when they look back and see you had to work, but will remember how you provided and did the best you could. They will be thankful for a Mama who was willing to work.

I worry and agonize and try to find a way that I can stay home with Connor. Maybe some how someway it will work out, but if it dont I take comfort in knowing im not alone. Ill know that I did my best and worked hard to provide for my child. I dont have to feel guilty that I have to work.