This Isn't Fair.....

   One year ago our family was gathered. We were told my Papaw ( Wilcox) wouldn't live through the night. The hospice nurse informed the Chaplin, and it wasn't long before he appeared at their door. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life, and I'll always always remember what he said. How he comforted my family during one of the darkest times of our life.

   "Mrs. Wilcox, You wanted him to live through Christmas. You always expressed that wish, and he did. You've took such good care of him, but hes suffered long enough."

I don't remember alot more due to my sobs, but I know he read scripture with us. What I remember most is the comfort I felt from him just being there. He talked to Papaw. He encouraged us to do the same. He assured us he could hear us even though he could no longer answer. He prayed with us and sat with us for along time.

It completely changed my view of hospice care. It gave me a deeper respect for those with the gift for that work. 

 Today We said goodbye to a sweet friend, who left behind two young sons. Another friend buried her son last week. It seems like I'm stuck in a season of pain. A season of sadness. A season of shock. A season of confusion.

This isnt fair.
Cancer isnt fair.
Parkinsons disease isnt fair.
Heart conditions arent fair.
Car accidents arent fair.
Burying a child isnt fair.
Unexpected death isnt fair.
This pain isnt fair.

But God. God is fair. The bible says Hes faithful and Just. Although we cant understand God is fair. When it hurts more than we could ever fathom hurting He is fair. When we can barely take our next breath He is fair.

His love for us does not wavier. His plans for us are good. Our weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning. One day He will wipe away ever tear.

So when your barely hanging on, when life has given you far more than you can handle alone, cling to the one who makes all things good.

We don't have to face this alone. We have a Savior who will carry us when we cant make it another step.

We have a God who loves his children so much that sometimes He says You've suffered long enough.

Thats mercy.
Thats love.
Thats God.

 When He steps in hearts change and mountains move. Nothing is too hard for Him. He is able. He is good even in our deepest suffering. Lord, we worship you. In our deepest sadness. When everything feels wrong. When it all seems so cruel and completely unfair. We worship you, and we believe your still good. 

Hes not going anywhere....

   My heart hurts.....

The last two weeks have been filled with such tragedies and great loss. My heart has been so so heavy. My friend lost her son unexpectedly. Another friend is slowly losing her battle. A Worship Leaders child passes in her sleep. A youtuber loses her toddler nephew.  The list could continue. Everywhere I look its heartache after heartache. Also next saturday makes one year since Papaw ( Wilcox) took his last breath. Lately life just seems like alot. Its heavy. Too heavy all of a sudden. My heart is broken. My spirit is crushed. I hurt for those who are suffering. You put yourself in their shoes and it hurts beyond what you can fathom. Im not sure I can adequately describe how ive been feeling lately. Im fearful. I dont wanna leave those I loves sides. I want everyone to be together, even though that is not even a guarantee of safety. I feel so anxious. Like I'm waiting, waiting on the next set of bad news. I think about Christmas being this week and it hurts my heart all over again. This should be the most exciting time, this year I feel exhausted from the heartache for those around me. This year is the year of loss. The year of hurting. The year of tears. Life gets so so heavy, but in the mist there He is. Hidden if we do not open our eyes to seek Him. And yet in the midst of our scariest times, when the heartache hits, and the tears flow He reminds us that everything is gonna be alright. Because we have a hope and promise in Him and the best thing is Hes not going anywhere.

So if your like me right now and Life feels so so heavy, remember that we are not alone. God is here and when Hes in the midst I assure you theres nothing to fear.

Thumper....

Introducing.....Thumper!

     On black friday we were out shopping when we stopped in Rural King. We bought a few gifts for family members, and then headed by the rabbits, and baby chicks. We always take Connor by to see the animals. I spotted this little bunny that was all different colors, "Oh gosh Jeremy look how pretty that one is."  We then looked at the chicks and then headed on about our day. I laughed as we left saying " Get me out of here before I leave with a Rabbit." We laughed and then went on to brave Walmart. After Walmart we went home because we had bought groceries in Walmart also. If you've never bought groceries on black friday I recommend it because it was literally dead on the grocery side and you'll get to shop at ease, until check out time of course. Anyway when we got home and got everything carried in I began putting groceries away when Jeremy said he was gonna go back to Rural King when I asked why he said he saw something he wanted to get his brother. However when he got home he had that multi colored Bunny I loved. I was so surprised!

 Connor must have said "Hi" to him 50 times and we decided to name him Thumper cause what else do you name a rabbit.  Unbeknownst to me Jeremy had been researching having rabbits as pets while we were in Walmart, I was oblivious as I shopped till I dropped. What we found was Rabbits are really good pets. One reason is their Quiet. They are clean ( they clean themselves like a cat does.) They can be litterbox trained, they dont need walking. Of course all things come with Cons.  They are chewers. They can live 10-20 years! When not properly socialized they can scratch and bite. They are social and need lots of attention. They arent always the best pet for kids due to them being startled easily by loud noises and commotion. They poop 300 to 500 pellets a day!  Whew talk about responsibility!

Also theres the concerns about Connors respiratory issues. You can be allergic to Rabbits, You can be allergic to their hay, and bedding. We chose to take a chance. You never know until you try right?? So far everything has been great. Connor has had no reaction. He hasnt had the sniffles, running eyes, asthma or any other issues. We are not completely crazy and are obviously keeping a watchful eye, so far everything is great!

And when I say everythings great I mean really really great. Thumper though extremely timid at first ( as expected.) Now comes up to us to be petted. Allows us to hold him without much fuss. Jumps and runs and puts on quite a show for us.

Thumper has a cage he stays in when were not home and at night. When we are home and can supervise him hes free roaming ( he is doing great using the litterbox). He loves to be near us. Rabbits can be as social as dogs and cats, Obviously each Rabbit is different, but it seems we have a pretty loving dude already.

The best part is He LOVES Connor!

 The feeling is definitely mutual, Connor now spends alot of time hopping around pretending to be a rabbit. We remind him to be gentle, and he sneaks in pets as often as possible. Thumper is getting use to Connors rambunctiousness. They are the cutest together.

I never ever thought Id own a Rabbit, but I'm glad I do:)

Standing Still in the Storm....

     Lately We've been in a storm. Connors been sick, and I have been fighting for him and yet have felt unheard. I couldn't understand why it seemed no one would listen. Its been so so exhausting. I have felt so extremely helpless.
 
   It all began a few weeks ago when Connor started coughing. It wasn't all day, or anything extreme just kind of randomly. I of course was on high alert due to the fact that we stopped his lung medication this summer. His pulmonologist and I had been discussing this for awhile and due to how well he was doing we decided to take him off the medication and see how things went. It was such a hard decision, but one of those things that we would never know until we tried. Connor was on daily preventative medication long before we brought him home. Taking him off a preventative was oh so scary, after all we'd had many hospital stays and health scares while on the preventative. We decided to proceed ahead with the plan and had a fabulous summer. Of course its summer, he wasn't exposed to tons of sickness like he is during the school year and harsh winter months. I knew Winter would likely be a battle and to say I was nervous was truly a understatement. So the random cough had me watching closer than ever. It soon turned to a cold. He was super congested and of course we took him to the doctor. Connor like most children was a happy dude at the doctors office despite the fact he had seemed so so sick in the day leading up to the appointment. The doctor listened to him, assured me his lungs sounded fine, and agreed that breathing treatments of his PRN medication and over the counter cold meds were a good plan. ( These were all things I had already started doing, but I always feel better when a doctor says I'm doing the right things.) He had been running a low grade fever, but the doctor assured me it was viral and no antibiotics were needed. ( Thank goodness, we are always so relieved to bypass antibiotics when we can due to them upsetting his tummy.)  I was so relieved to have a doctor tell me his lungs sounded clear! Connor has scarring in his left lung and is extremely susceptible to Pneumonia. That alone keeps me on high alert, but put that with the fact this is his first cold while not on lung preventative medication Im not ashamed to admit I'm a little over the top.

   The next day Connor went to school. His doctor had given the ok and a note that he could return. However he was clearly sick, but trudging through. I was keeping a close eye on him and continuing breathing treatments and tylenol to try to keep him comfortable. We came home and he immediately just wanted to lay on the couch, and then his breathing got labored. He seemed to really be having a hard time, his temp was 101, and he had just received tylenol about 45 minutes earlier so off to Childrens ER we went. On the way Connor fell asleep and his breathing became more normal.  The ER doctor listened to him and said his lungs sounded ok, but after a look at his medical chart decided that she wanted a chest xray to be certain. I am so so grateful for her thoroughness. The xray looked fine, with no noteable changes. WHAT A RELIEF! She agreed that he likely had a mild asthma attack. Obviously not a good thing, but also nice to know I did see something and made me feel a little less crazy. The doctor gave him a heavy dose of steroids and said he should be much better within 3 days. She suggested a follow up with his doctor.  The steroids had him feeling much better and he was literally jumping off stuff and wild as ever before we even left the hospital. We were suppose to now give his PRN breathing treatments every 4 hours for the next 24 hours. We did. Sunday was a GREAT day. I really felt he was getting better, and was happy to see him more himself only much wilder due to the steroids.  Monday came and I got him up and ready for school, he coughed and coughed and coughed. I thought maybe he was just getting it all out. The bus came and when I went to put him on the bus, he broke down. I knew then something wasnt right and their was no way he could go to school. So we stayed home. Connor laid on the couch all day. ( I should note that all this time hes has been eating and drinking good. Which is basically all that was keeping me sane.) He fell asleep and took a 4 HOUR nap, very very unlike him. He rarely naps anymore, but I attributed it to him being sick and reassured myself that rest is a good thing.

  This is where things got scary. He woke up and seemed off. I picked him up and held him ( like a baby) he was just kind of staring off into space and  then his eyes began jerking back and forth. They then fixated on my shirt, and I called his name to no avail. Seconds seemed like hours!!! "Connor! Connor! Connor look at me!" Finally ( and again this was probably 30/45 seconds) he looked at me and pointed back to his spot on the couch. My mind was racing and I was unsure of what had just happen. I put him back on his spot on the couch and got out my phone. I began videoing and I'm forever grateful that I did. More of the same happened. My video is over 2 minutes long. However he seemed to come to better when I called his name this time. I text Jeremy in a panic and he said hed be right home. Of course when he got home, Connor seemed fine and Jeremy assured me we were both tired. So thankful he has a calm level head. The night went on as normal. I made his follow up doctor appointment and mentioned I had a video of a "odd episode" I also wanted to show them and discuss.  Before the appointment I called his opthalmologist, I did this because Connor does have nystagmus    ( his eyes jerk from side to side) to ask if that could have been what happen, although id never seen his eyes do anything this extreme and I didnt believe for one second it was his nystagmus. After explaining what happened, they said it was not nystagmus or anything eye related and I needed to get to his doctor because it sounded much like seizure activity. I already knew this, but my heart sank. I could feel myself beginning to panic, and I had to keep looking at him and reminding myself hes right here and hes fine. We went to his doctor appointment.

   If you know me you know I do not do drama. I do not talk about or "dog out" people on social media, my blogs no different. I'll just say I felt unheard, and brushed off.

I will say after Connor being listened to I was told his left lung sounded " wheezy" "Your not out of the woods yet."  and to start back on breathing treatments every 4 hours for 2/3 days then to back off to 6/8 hours.

The next day I called his pulmonologist. I talked to a wonderful nurse in their office for close to a hour. FINALLY someone heard me! I poured it all out, while she took notes of every single symptom, behavior, and concern. It was friday, and their office closes early ( they were closing in like an hour from when I called.) But she gave me a appointment for monday. She let me vent, and she did something I needed more than anything, She listened! The relief I felt was unexplainable. The nurse assured me that what happened would not have anything to do with the breathing treatments being given so often ( a concern I had.) She did tell me that as far as the cold, there is a viral cold going around that the cough lingers for weeks afterwards. This cold very well could be just  a viral cold that hes having a hard time kicking, but the other, even if its a one time event if I want to be seen by a neurologist thats perfectly acceptable. If I want a EEG thats understandable. I am his voice and I should fight even if its a one time event. One times enough!

I am exhausted. I am panicked. I am confused. I am so so many things, but I am a mother on a mission. I cannot stop. I will not stop.

Tonight Connor cried. Several times he cried. I dont know why, and its super unlike him. I have so many concerns. So many questions. My heart breaks. I am scattered, my thoughts are jumbled. I am a mess. I wonder what could be going on. Is it really just a viral cold. What is happening in my tiny 30 pound boys little body. We got home and he danced and laughed. And I wondered how he can be fine one minute and sobbing the next. What am I missing? What is happening to my little boy??

Its then I felt God speak to me. Stand still in the storm. Trust Me. Don't miss out on his happiness and laughter because your so consumed with why he cried earlier. Stand still in the storm. Enjoy the happy moments, and hold him close in the bad. So tonight I got up off the couch, and I danced and laughed with my happy boy. We played and sang, and we were happy while the storm still raged around us. Although we have no answers, although we are filled with worry and anxiousness we will stand still in the storm.

  And with the help of a excellent medical team, WE WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

Buddy Walk 2019

I think this photo represents our family so well. We love Connor fiercely and fully believe he can do anything. I speak freely about not being put on a pedestal because we dont deserve it or need it. However I do think as much as we needed Connor, he needed us. We cant give him all that money can buy, we cant take him on lavish trips, and he'll never live in a mansion ( well not until heaven anyway;)  What we can do is support him, love him, and lift him up. In a world where lets be honest hes always going to be reminded hes different, hes not good enough, hes incapable. We can remind him that those are LIES! He is so incredible, and he has things to offer that no one else does. He is a treasure to this world that some may never see or understand. We see him. We believe. We know.

   Thats what the Buddy Walk is all about!  The goal of the Buddy Walk® is to promote understanding and acceptance of people with Down syndrome. Whether you have Down syndrome, know someone who does or just want to show your support, come and join a Buddy Walk! 

We attended the buddy walk in Chattanooga Saturday. Clear Springs Baptist Church ( the church Jeremy and I grew up in) Got a team together for Connor and Faith.

  It was an incredible time of celebration of these two beautiful souls along with many others. I am always changed after these events. Each individuals name was called, along with their age, and what makes them special. They received a medal and everyone cheered for them. Some danced, some sang, and ALL were celebrated. 

 It was unity at its best, you were truly surrounded with the purest love. It was an amazing time and I am always so grateful we attended. 

Seriously if you've never been make plans to attend. You will not regret it and chances are you will leave changed :)

Halloween 2019

  I cant be the only one who loves dressing my kid up, right??  Since having Connor I LOVE HALLOWEEN! Heres a look at our Halloween this year.....

Crazy Halloween Day at school. Pretty sure we nailed it! haha Connor wore his glasses all day! I still cant believe that!

My personal favorite, Trunk or Treat as Nerds!

And of course Cat Woman, Batman, And Robin on Mayes Avenue. We saw 2000 Trick or Treaters.

Another awesome Halloween in the books. 

God, I don't know how to do this.....

God, I don't know how to do this.

  Words I vividly remember crying out to God nearly 5 years ago.  See we knew God had called us to adopt this precious boy, but the fear was overwhelming. I honestly didn't understand how this could be His plan. I felt so unqualified for such a big job. I couldn't see myself being a good mother to him. I couldn't see the big picture....the picture that now I see so clearly.

I cannot fathom not having Connor in my life. I know I was meant to be his mother, and I know I am far from perfect don't get me wrong, but I'm doing it. This thing I thought I couldn't do comes as easy as breathing. Sure sometimes life gets tough the surgeries, the specialist, the many health concerns, the behaviors, the unknown of the future, but one thing I know is he will never face any of it without his mother as long as I'm living. I have found strength I never knew existed within me. I have learned just what I am capable of. Not because I'm anything exceptional, but because I have a God who is. He instills all we need to parent our children. He will give us above all we could ever expect, and when he calls us He alone will qualify us.  And Isn't it beautiful the life He will give us if we surrender and follow Him. His plans are always for our good, though sometimes its hard to see the big picture when He is calling us to do something so overwhelming. But next thing you know 5 years have passed and all is well. You are doing the thing you thought you couldn't. Not only are you doing it, but you can't imagine doing anything else.

Last year we needed to change some paperwork as to Connors diagnosis. I won't lie even when you know its the truth seeing the words Intellectual disability is never easy. You want to shake your head and say NO HES NOT! And ya know why??? Because you don't see it.

You don't see how delayed he is. Because hes right where he should be to you.
You don't see him as different. Because you love him exactly how he is.
You don't see any disability, Because you see all he CAN do.
You don't see nonverbal, Because he speaks to you so clearly. Even the "Uhh Uhhs" mean something to you. You understand him perfectly, though the world may never understand that.
You don't see these things because you see your child. You see your whole world. You see nothing but unconditional love. And thats why I know I can be his mother, though I once convinced myself I couldn't. Because I see past the unknowns, and fears and what I see is my little boy. Who I will never see as anything, but absolutely perfect.

Yes, God certainly qualified me.

She don't know his name....

Today  I've had Connors birth mother on my mind. Y'all know I post about her on his birthday and mother's day, but sometimes I just randomly think of her. I wouldn't know her if I saw her, I've never seen her face and yet I'm eternally grateful that she loved him enough to choose life for him. I cannot help, but wonder if this is what she meant  when she wanted a better life for him. Connor brought home a paper today where he is practicing writing his name, and it hit me from out of no where....she don't know his name. And it left me feeling sad. She doesn't know that his hair is currently falling out because he was recently diagnosed with Alopecia. She doesn't know about the countless surgeries and hospital stays. She doesn't know that I kept his hair longer on top to hide his cowlick, but shorter on the sides cause it's easier to wash. Cause if there's one thing he hates it's having his hairwashed. She doesn't know that he is my shadow, but he loved daddy first. She doesn't know that he cries without his nightlight, and is just now realizing Santa's not so bad. She doesn't know that he is loved by EVERYONE that has ever been near him, and that he loves to be extra goofy in hopes to make someone laugh. She doesn't know that he can say a handful of words, and knows many signs. And even though he's primarily nonverbal anyone whose spent any time with him will tell you he has a way of letting you know what he means and getting his point across.  I wish she knew how much we love him. I wish she knew that he changed everything about me. I wish she knew I'm better because of him. I wish she knew he got that better life she prayed for.  I wish she knew his name....

You can do Big things....

 Jeremy and I live far from a lavish lifestyle. We are simple folks. We dont have anything fancy. Most of my clothes are from goodwil and walmart. If I have anything name brand I promise someone else bought it for me. We live paycheck to paycheck. Im not saying this for pity, we have an incredible life. I say this to tell you....you can do big things.

   With God all things are possible right?? Most of us have heard it our entire lives, but do we really believe it?? We all know we can trust God, but do we really do it???

   I remember when God called us to move to Montana to do full time ministry. Ya'll we'd never even been there! Don't think for one second we were brave. I cannot tell you how many times I said "I can't do this!" But next thing ya know we were loading up a uhaul and making the 2,173 mile journey to a new life. It was a big thing!  So many times I thought what on earth are we doing. So many times I thought God how can this be your plan. We had such a good life in Montana. And then after 2 years God told us to come home. We should have been ecstatic, sometimes we were, sometimes we were weren't. One things for sure our hearts were absolutely  broken.

Again my heart cried God how can this be your plan. When we arrived home we really struggled, me more than Jeremy. See your mind thinks things will be the same, but after two years away nothing was the same. Life had went on without us and I struggled with my place here again. It was home, and yet it felt like the futherest thing from home. I struggled for a long time. I was in a dark place, super depressed, and always sad. 

Then after being home for 9 months God called us to do something big once again. We set out on our adoption journey. Another two year adventure ( 21 months to be exact) and we welcomed Connor Thaddeus Malone into our family. So many things made sense. My purpose was revealed in the darkest eyes and straight as a board  black hair. 

International Adoption was big! $20,000 we definitely didn't have. Once again we were far from brave. On the outside it looked like we had all the trust in God, but so many times we doubted His plan. We couldnt see how we could do something so big.    

Sometimes ( and definitely the case for us in these two instances) God doesn't show us the whole stair case. One reason is it would definitely scare us into not even taken that first step if we could see the entire way with the twist and turns and roadblocks. Also its because we can't make it to the top without Him. These two things I have no doubt could not have been done without a mighty God. 

So when I say I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me It certainly doesn't mean I can do them alone. I need Him. Only with Him with me and often carrying me did I make it to the top of the staircase of the big things He's called me to do. 

So yes you can do big things, but only with a Mighty God guiding you along the way. Sometimes only revealing a step at a time, to ensure you trust Him to help you to the top.  Hes ways are always higher and His plans are always good. He takes simple ordinary folks like me and you and does big things. Not because were anything great, but because He is great!

And oh when you get to the top of that staircase the beauty that awaits you will blow your mind.

Hes just a little boy....

    Sometimes, ok alot of times we put way to much pressure on ourselves right??  We are definitely our own worst critics, but what about when that spills over onto our kids....

   The pressures in this life are insane! We have to be the best at everything, at all times no matter what. But ya know what we aren't always the best version of ourselves. We all have bad days. We all experience setbacks. We all have obstacles. If we say we don't, well were lying to ourselves.

  Sometimes this spills over onto our kids. Maybe we don't even mean to, but we pressure them to be the best at all times. We push them sometimes beyond their limits, not purposefully but we do none the less. Please don't think I'm preaching at anyone cause I'm speaking to myself too.

  I have to remind myself that hes just a little boy... 

  When he gets into everything, when he spills things everywhere, when he disobeys, the list could go on and on..

 Connor recently is into everything, like seriously EVERYTHING! He opens all cabinets, all drawers I guess its baffling because hes never done this before. He gets whatever he wants and you have to practically wrestle it away from him with him babbling something that resembles "mine". Obviously as an only child theres not a over abundance of times at home to teach him to share. However we've done our best. Hes been decent at sharing, until recently when he snatches whatever he wants from whoever he wants. Im not here to roast my son I promise im getting to the point....

Do these things need addressed you bet, and believe me we do. Only when i'm being tough on him I have to sometimes step back and remind myself hes just a little boy. YES at almost 7 years old, he should already know that he cannot snatch a toy from a baby. YES at 7 years old he shouldn't just now be exploring his home, and assuming I'd have no problem with him running through the house with a pizza cutter.

  Please don't think im using any of this to give him a pass, because I promised myself i'd never ever do that. However he is delayed. He does have a intellectual disability. He is ( primarily)  nonverbal. These things matter. These things must come into play before expecting him to obey like a typical 6 year old. And yet I have no doubt that he understands the rules. He knows the rules, but it goes back to those delays. I'm fairly certain hes just hitting the terrible twos ( no I am not saying two year olds are terrible). Some peoples heads almost spin around when they hear me say this. Its ok guys. I know my son is far from a typical 6 year old. And drum roll please thats fine with me.

Whoa Dont stop reading yet. Im just trying to be honest. I know I speak more openly than others, but I feel like im suppose to. I feel like for some reason someone else may need my upfront honesty. They might need this unspoken truth. So here goes....

 Hes just a little boy. Biologically almost 7, but much younger in reality. Please dont get me wrong. My sons smart! Hes super smart! He blows me away with things he comprehends daily, and yet its ok to say he is out of place with his typical aged peers.  I've watched him in a play setting. He will hang with the big boys like the best of them, but he will also show little interest in their activities and head over to the 2 and under area and hang with the babies. And though he may look out of place physically he fits in better there.

I dread events broken up by age. Bible school, egg hunts. I dread it because I feel unsure of my decisions on where to place him. I vividly remember asking my mom this year before Bible School at her church "what do I do??" Hes 6 so he should be in the 6-8 boys, but my 30 pounder doesn't fit there.
3-5 boys I feel bad cause hes 3 years older than those 3 year olds. My mom gave her advice, but as always said " Do what you feel is right for him, and Dont worry about what anyone thinks." I ultimately decided on 3-5 boys and I think it went perfect and he fit well. ( I wanna add in here that no one has ever said a word about any of this. Its mostly a battle within myself as a mother.)  I'm just giving this as an example of things others may not even have to think for a second about. You put your kid in with their age group and never bat a eye. Its hard ya'll this is just the tip of the iceberg of tough decisions I have to make for him. I worry so often about messing up. About making the wrong choice ( see what I mean about us being too hard on ourselves.)  In the end I do my best to do whats best for him. Do I always get it right, Nope as a human that's impossible. But I do it with the best of intentions and thats what counts.

Another thing about Connor is although he loves other kids being around he doesn't really "play" with them.  I encourage you to watch him sometimes, and it wont take you long to see what I mean. Dont get me wrong Connor has friends. He is very well liked ( makes my mama heart so happy.) I love that hes content being independent. I love to watch him happy as can be playing near others, but alone. I know that this can really isolate him in the future, and I definitely dont want that for him. I can encourage him to play with others, but I cant force it. I cant make him. Its then I have to remind myself....Hes just a little boy and let him play however makes him happy if thats alone then ok.

These are just a few of the examples of worries and fears. Fears too big for such a little boy. Fears that show how hard this mama is on herself. Fears that clearly show im my own worst critic. Pressures that I put on myself, but am determined not to put on him.

I am constantly trying not to push him., Not to pressure him beyond his limits.  Somewhere along the line that put more pressure on me. More fears. More worries. More stress.

He spills things because I help too much, and his hand eye coordination isnt better. He is into everything, cause hes bored and I am not doing enough to stimulate his mind. He doesn't share because he doesnt play with others, and I dont do enough to help him learn to see the fun in playing with others. Hes naughty because im too hard on him. Hes naughty because im too lenient on him.

Do these things seem completely irrational. Ive thought them, but even I can see once there in writing they are are completely irrational and honestly borderline ridiculous! Thats a perfect example of how we treat ourselves.  Pressuring ourselves and pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Criticizing ourselves, when we would assure anyone else they are wrong, and their doing great.

So believe it mamas ( and dads)! Your doing your best. Your intentions are in the right place. Give yourself some grace you deserve it!

Just breathe and remember hes just a little boy....

And suddenly I knew it was time....

   Hey guys I wanted to tell you about my latest adventure! Finally getting fit!! I've wanted to and needed to for awhile, but lacked the motivation. Honestly its hard to get the motivation until you see results, but how do you get results without starting. Well you don't. I had to at least get motivated enough to start, which was so stinking hard, I cant even lie! However once I did the results are what drive me to keep going!!!

Basically I had to make myself start, and believe results would come. I started by working out once a day. Once I began feeling better, boom I had motivation. I then started meal prepping and eating healthy, and I became so addicted to the gym that I started doing twice a days working out in the morning and evening. Thats all well and good except I also decided to not eat my snacks. See my meals were a strict number of calories. ( Healthy) snacks in between meals helped me take in more calories that I need due to depleting calories due to working out. Basically I felt GREAT at first, and I was seeing HUGE results! I lost almost 3 pounds in a week, but I had also stopped sleeping. I just never felt tired. I was getting maybe 5 hours of sleep per night while working out twice a day. It was great until about day 6.  My head pounded and I felt as if I couldnt get up. I'd get out of bed workout then hit the couch and feel so exhausted to the point I knew I couldnt go another step. The headache wouldnt go away. I was miserable.

So I started up a new plan. I eat every two hours, lots of protein! However I do not exceed 1400 calories a day. I workout once a day. Its working! Im sleeping so good at night, and on day 4 my headache finally went away. I only weight once a week so I havent weighed this week, and even though Im not optimistic about seeing a 3 pound drop like I did last week I know that Im doing it the healthy way.

The Workouts.

Im super blessed to have a full garage gym at my house. I have no idea what half the machines are called so I wont even attempt it, but machines and weights line the walls.

 I am weight training. Its fun, and hard all at the same time. I work out a body part each day. I joke that Jeremy is my trainer because hes helping me so much, until I learn more and can do it more on my own. Theres so much to know about doing things the right and healthy way in order to see results and stay healthy. I can already tell a huge difference in what I can do in the gym. Its so nice to see results that way as well as the scale. The scale is awesome, but with weight training its not the best tool. Your likely to gain muscle therefore you will either weight more or even if you dont see your number go up, you may have actually lost more weight that week, but gained muscle if that made sense. Ill probably look back and laugh at this someday because im still learning and probably making myself look crazy. haha The best way I found to gage my results is how my clothes fit. They are already fitting alot differently with 7Ibs lost so far!!!  I will be focusing more on that than the scale number to help myself from freaking out if I do gain muscle.

My Plan

Meal Prepping

1150-1500 Calories

High in protein

Weight Training 30-45 minutes 5 days a week.

Meal Prepping.

We prep meals on Sunday for the entire week. We make lunch and dinner for 5 days.

 Everything is high in protein and low calorie. Our snacks included. I eat every two hours. Meals and snacks calories are calculated out, but I still find it helpfully to keep a journal to make sure im staying on track. Weekends are our cheat days, meaning we try to be good ( for the most part) But we dont track our calories or have set schedules.

What If I dont want to eat the meal thats prepped??  We just do it. There are so many times that I dont want to, but I just make myself same with the snacks. I dont always want that specific snack, heck Id much rather have a candy bar or milkshake, but I press through and eat it anyway.

As far as the gym goes I have become addicted and want to workout daily. I would love to do two a days and may get back to that eventually, but I really messed up and overworked myself last week (Which is why I couldnt sleep, and  had the headache.) I am trying my best to do things the right way and take care of my body ( after all you only get one.)

The confidence.

Start seeing the number on the scale drop, your clothes get lose and see if you dont find a confidence burst out of you like you think your all that and a bag of chips. ( Oh chips sound so good right now!) It sounds ridiculous until its you. Its true that I am changing, but  whats really changed is how I feel about myself. That makes us all look and feel better! My confidence is at an all time high, sure I have a long ways to go, but im on the right road now and am feeling better than ever.

Finding Motivation.

Like I said at the beginning you have to find the motivation to start, once the results start showing your motivation will grow and grow with each positive change. My beginning motivation was these two.

 I wanna be around with these guys as long as I can. Theres no mountain I wouldnt try to move for them. No limit my love wouldnt go. So a few positive changes in order to make sure mama is healthy well thats no trouble at all.

The Results.

7Ibs down so far. My clothes fit very different, and the most important part I feel fantastic!

Positive feedback.

Ive gotten so much positive feedback from my result pictures I just want to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement. Its been so hard, and I appreciate yall cheering me on. I have the greatest support system and that means so so much!

If  you wanna know anything else feel free to ask. Im no expert, im just beginning myself, but im here to talk if you need a listening ear. We can even talk about how hard it is and how all we want is a bag of chips and a candy bar. Im here anytime!