You see just a Worn Brown Couch, We see more.

What do you see?? Just a brown couch right?

 

But let me tell you about this beauty!! Its been with us for 7 years!!!!  We got this couch when we were living in Montana so its travel from Montana to Tennessee and three different moves after that.

Here we are on our first Christmas apart from our families ( while we were in Montana.) 

This is the first photo we sent Connor of us, letting him know that we were his family and we could  not wait to meet him!!

We made a video and sang Connor songs and the first time we told him we loved him and would see him soon was while we were sitting on this very couch.

(Also this is my great Grandpas guitar Jeremy played when we sent Connors video so its extra special because of that too.)

 When  we shared the news that our adoption journey was finally near the end and in as little as 8-10 weeks we would be loading a plane to Hong Kong this was the photo we posted with the good news.

So as you can see this couch holds so many memories, but im not even to the best ones yet! Connor had been home one week here.

Connor didnt show affection at first, unless we initiated it. While watching cartoons  one day he reach over and took my hand and held it for a long time. We were sitting on this couch.

The first time he called me "Mama" I was sitting on this couch, So many precious memories and milestones involved this couch.

Every month for Connors first year home I took his picture on this couch.

( This is the outfit Connor wore when we brought him home.)

I snapped this photo the morning of Connors 4th birthday ( his first birthday with us).

Connors first Thanksgiving with us.

And when we uploaded Connors picture with the #Lifeisbetterwithyou to show Iceland that eradicating Down Syndrome is a BIG mistake you just happen to be on the couch again.

  So many memories that were all surrounding this couch, all by complete accident and yet there it is. A staple in our family for so many years.  

Today we said goodbye to this couch cause it was time to let it be a staple for someone elses family. 

 Yep, its just a old worn brown couch, but to us it was so much more!!

Mothers Day 2018

 Since Connor was in the hospital on Mothers Day I didnt get to make my usual mothers day post. So I tried to jot down a few thoughts I had this year as mothers day rolled around. She may not always be on my mind, but she is never far from my heart, and on special occasions my thoughts always fall on her. So heres my words to her this year.

To my sons Biological Mom on Mothers Day,

 He got his dark black hair from you, but you probably dont know that he has a cowlick in the front and if you let his hair grow a little longer you can hide it.

You were in the room the day he was diagnosed with Down Syndrome, but you probably didnt know that hes had five surgeries in his five short years of life.

You held him first, but im the one he runs to when he falls or is scared.

He has your complexion, but its me lathering sunscreen on him when were out in the sun for the day.

Your body held him safely as his mouth and vocal cords were formed, but that southern draw when he says "bye bye" he definitely got that from me.

God formed him in your womb and yet He knew he would call me mama.

Life can be so cruel and yet what a beautiful mystery His ways are.

He is yours in a way  He'll never be mine, and yet  He is mine in a Way  He'll never be yours. And together we are his mothers. 

Happy Mothers Day to the Lady I owe everything too. Because of your selfless love for our son I get to celebrate this day.

I get to hear someone call me mama.

I get to kiss boo boo and say bedtime prayers.

I get to hold a tiny hand when crossing the street and wave goodbye as he gets on the bus.

I get to pace the floor while hes in surgery and silently let the tears fall at night during a hospital stay.

I get to see the smiles and triumphs and handle the pain and tears.

And none of its lost on me. The tragedy and also beauty of adoption are never far from my mind.

Thank you for giving this beautiful soul life.

Im in awe of you and the way you showed your strength and love for him.

I will never let him forget how cherished he was long before I found him.

Two of my biggest truths.....

“I hate Down Syndrome. It’s taken everything from me. From my child, His voice, his abilities, the list goes on and on.”

These are the words I read in a Down Syndrome group I’m apart of. I read them over and over. Trying to decide how I felt. Trying to figure out if I’m totally with or totally against the words written before me.  Truth is I couldn’t decide. I mean I understand what the mother was saying, I understand the days the bitterness rises in You and exactly where these words would have come from probably after a rough day. We do have rough days ya know, days where it pushes us a little too far, where things become a little too much.  Maybe it’s the way you lie awake at night and worry about what will happen when your gone, sure this is probably a worry all parents have from one time to another but most parents don’t give it a second thought who will take care of their child when their child is grown.  Most parents don’t think about the possibility that they may very well need a babysitter forever.  I’m just being honest here. So yeah some days this sentence is me. Sometimes when  I wonder what he did at school and I wanna ask him, but I know a answer won’t come. When all I long to do is have a conversation with him.  Yeah some days i would have to admit I totally agree.

Then there’s days that I’m dumbfounded that anyone could even write those words. Down Syndrome doesn’t define Connor. He is so much more then those almond shaped eyes and that protruding tongue, and yet who is Connor without Down Syndrome?? Who would he be?? I honestly can’t even picture him cause I love him exactly the way he is and although it doesn’t define him, Down syndrome is a big part of who he is. So I love Down syndrome! I love the way his tongue is constantly out. I love those adorable features he shares with those rocking a extra chromosome. I love the way we take the scenic route and enjoy the little things a bit more. Yeah some days I don’t agree with the sentence at all. I can’t relate to it in the slightest way.

Regardless whether I agree or not this is this mamas truth and it’s ok. My truth is not her truth. I wanna be brutally honest and share my truth. Keep in mind that I love my child! Like a deep unconditional, indescribable love. Just like I know the mama who wrote the statement above loves her child. She chose to be bold and share her truth and I wanna be bold too.

The specialist appointments, the hospital stays, the constantly being sick I didn’t expect it.  I’ve heard this statement more than once “you guys are saints for choosing this life”. First off I thank you for thinking so highly of me. However your wrong. I’m ordinary, and yes I chose to parent a child with Down Syndrome but only after God spoke and told me he was my son. I wasn’t brave. I wasn’t confident, honestly half the time I wasn’t onboard, and when I was it’s cause I was uneducated! I’ll admit I did worry about Connors heart, but once we were given the all clear from a cardiologist I thought we were all good. How foolish! The tough was only about to begin. From countless surgeries and sicknesses we seemed to constantly be in the eye of the storm. It’s difficult! It’s rough and all to often it feels constant!  I didn’t choose that!!  I didn’t expect that!!   That’s my truth. It’s hard to admit but there it is.  So next time your tempted to utter the words to our face or behind our back that we chose this please think again.  Cause it’s only partly true. However let me say that we’d choose him again and again. At every surgery, and hospital stay you’ll find me. I’m the one pacing in the waiting room, I’m the one holding my guy down while they put a iv in. I’m the one running on aderinaline  and very little sleep. Cause that’s what mamas do. We may complain but we’ll be there again and again even when others beg us to take a break or assure us they can take him to the appointment, and all to often we don’t even complain.

    Most of you know that Connor recently had his tonsils and adenoids removed and became very sick a few days afterwards. We now know that doctors suspect that he aspirated during the surgery and that caused pneumonia. Isn’t the body incredible the way it works?? His body’s natural response was to cause him to cough to try to clear his lungs and while we needed those coughs, the last things his throat needed was to cough. Recovery from a T&A plus pneumonia was A HORRIBLE COMBO (his doctors words). I remember sitting in his hospital room holding his very sick body in my arms and I could feel his body wanting to cough and he would fight it, he would try every way in the world not to cough cause it hurt so bad. And  I remember hold him down for IVs and hearing him scream in pain and thinking why. Why does he have to endure this? Why does the worst possible combo happen to him?? Why is he ALWAYS sick?? Why cant he get any relief??

And I asked my mom recently. “What’s it like to have a child whose not sick?”  It’s words that haunt me. It’s words that probably came out very wrong.   But it’s definitely one of the most brutually honest questions I have ever asked. A question that needed no answer.    I love Connor. I love exactly who he is, I wouldn’t change him at all, so I guess I love Down Syndrome. But I too hate the sickness. I too hate that he can’t form his words. I too hate to see him so far delayed. So do I hate Down Syndrome?? I can’t answer.  Cause to hate it is to hate a part of him. So I could never say I hate Down Syndrome.

Lately I have had heaven on my mind a lot. Of course first and foremost  I cannot wait to see Jesus!  But there’s  more that I  as a special needs mom cannot wait for.  I cannot wait for Connors body to be whole.  No more scarring on his lung. No more pneumonia. No more struggling to breathe. He’ll talk. I mean he’ll really talk. And everyone will understand his words. No one will make fun.   No one will see him as less than.  I’ll never hear him scream out in pain again.  No more sickness. No more hurting. This is my second truth,even though I love him just the way he is and I think he is absolutely perfect still  I cannot wait for heaven so my son can be made whole.

Don't get my wrong I love our life. God has blessed us tremendously and we are so grateful, but  in the mist of lifes troubles we cling to Gods promises that a better day is coming. We will have our joy in the morning. An eternity with Jesus with no more pain, no more sickness, no more challenges. Id be lying if I said that doesnt make me utter the words "Jesus come quickly."

So blessed!!

Heres my latest update on Connors facebook page.

Connor was a sick boy one week ago. Things were extremely scary. Not only was his body dealing with the trauma of having his tonsils and adenoids removed, but he was dealing with pneumonia on top of that. He was depressed, for days he did nothing but cry. He was broken physically and emotionally and my heart was crushed at the sight of this normally joyful boy. Only 4 days ago we were told his lungs were still full, we were so discouraged and scared. BUT GOD!!! That’s all that ran through my mind as I sobbed in the pediatricians parking lot today. Y’all the doctor listened and listened and then she just looked up at me. She said “this is crazy, his lungs are clear.” YALL HIS LUNGS ARE CLEAR!!! When he stepped on the scale i was dumbfounded every ounce he lost has been gained back. I don’t even have the words to adequately express what I’m feeling, but I know this, The same God who surrounded me with his love on the most horrible days in the hospital is the same God today who has healed and restored my little boy. Nothing is impossible for our God. And if our story shows the world anything I hope it shows the world that HE is there. In the good, in the bad HE REMAINS. Thank you for the prayers, calls, text, and visits please don’t deny that there’s power in the name of Jesus! 

   Theres no way to express how relieved and thankful we are for the healing power of our Savior. Connor laughs and plays and seems completely back to normal only 10 days after surgery. Today he played and ran around like a wild man and needed no pain medicine!!!! We are so thankful for all your prayers, calls, text, and visits. They have gotten us through this difficult time and we are in awe of just how blessed we really are. 

In the eye of the Storm....

What was suppose to be a normal T&A recovery went horribly wrong because unfortunately nothing comes easy for Connor.

Oh Yes I heard it all " It will be fine" " He'll be up and playing in no time" " He will act like nothing ever happen."

I wanted to believe all these kind, well meaning words, but still I couldnt shake this feeling and I was nervous beyond belief. Connors had other surgeries, but I was more nervous than I was with any of the others. Maybe it was somehow my instincts that knew something bad was just around the corner. That what should be no big deal is always a different story for my little love. Looking back at how our nightmare played out Im in awe of the instincts God places in us mothers. I am in no way bragging on myself, but instead Ill brag in my savior who births in us this protective and knowing intuition the moment our babies are placed in our arms. To save time Im going to share the story of what all happen from Connors facebook page. Ill provide the link in blue so that you can follow his page on facebook to get more frequent updates. ( fb.me/Resilientconnor).

To catch everyone up Connor had a T&A (Tonsils and adenoids removed) on Wednesday May 9th. Dr Belmont felt we should stay overnight to be observed. Surgery went perfect and all was well! During the night Connors oxygen went too low and he needed oxygen when he slept. So they decided to let us go home with home health providing oxygen that he would wear at night. The thought process was that his pain meds we’re making him relax and his oxygen drop. So we went home and all was well until his monitor kept going off that his oxygen was too low. But before I could even get out of bed it would go back up (I had a monitor in my room so I could see it). So id lay back down and I’m a few minutes again and again until it went off and I looked to see his heart rate had spiked and was steadily climbing so I went and got him up to find him burning up, I mean HOT! Checked his temp 103.9!!!! Called dr on call and he said get to the emergency room. Verdict is pneumonia. Which did you know is the most common illness to develop after a surgery??? Cause I didn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️ So we were admitted and that’s brings you up to today. Day 4 after surgery and yet here we sit still in the hospital. Y’all knew we couldn’t have a simple T&A right 😬. All joking aside please continue to pray for my guy. He gave us all quiet a scare, we were met with 6 nurses and a dr rushing at us when we got in the ER. My always resilient and brave boy is really down and out right now and although it doesn’t seem promising we’re praying we can bust out of here soon!!!

Connor is all about routine and when theres a big change( like a hospital stay) he flips out. I have never seen Connor so depressed and mad. I have never seen him scream and cry the way I have the last few days. He will punch the bed, I have never ever seen him punch.. He screams and cries when a nurse or doctor walks in the room. He is distraught basically 24/7 even with pain meds, fluids, steriods, and antibotics in his system. He will not let anyone touch him without him crying, even me. However yesterday he reach for me. So i climbed up in the bed and held him like a baby while I rocked and as I began to sing the words that came flowing were exactly what we both needed to hear and we both cried. We cried because we wanna go home, We cried because were scared. We cried because this wasnt suppose to happen he was suppose to be practically back to himself now 4 days after surgery. We cried because were overwhelmed, frustrated, and VERY overly tired. But that moment reminded me that Gods still good even when our life seems to be falling apart. That hes our anchor when the storm is raging. That his love surrounds us during the bad times as well as the good. Im certain these words will always take me back to that day in room 329 even when this nightmare is nothing but a distant memory and I hope they help me to remember that His love surrounds me ALWAYS.

In the eye of the storm
You remain in control
And in the middle of the war
You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor
When my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me 
In the eye of the storm