Life will change....

   Life changes.

With Christmas around the corner I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Reflecting on the past, the present, the future, just my life in general.

I've had so many incredible moments, life changing events, happy, sad, all of it. 

Working in a  high school obviously keeps my high school memories alive, quite a few i'd rather forget. But no matter what its my story and its the reason it pains me to see so many young girls ( and guys) making poor decisions. Cause that was me.

But Praise God Life Changed.

I began dating Jeremy and next thing you know I'm a married woman. Barely 19 years old and life changed drastically. Decisions were no longer just mine to make. Every choice I made suddenly affected someone else also. Marriage is beautiful and wonderful, but its difficult too and anyone who tells you it isn't  is not telling the entire truth.


Life Changed.

And then came the hard hard season. The season that lasted for 7 long years. Years where I constantly cried and begged and pleaded with God for a baby. My life no longer had color, everything was grey. A colorless world, still a blessed life and yet even in my happiest times there was darkness. I just knew this couldnt be it, I knew there had to be more. Wasnt there more??  And just when all seemed lost. Just when I decided a world without color was my destiny. A light came.

And with every turn I made God whispered adoption. Life changed again.

And even though My arms were still empty ( and would be for 21 more months)  I could now see a dim light in all I did. Because finally I knew that color was coming. We worked so hard on all the steps. It was still a hard season, and yet it was a exciting season because we knew Life was about to change. 

And then suddenly color appeared and it was wonderful and it was beautiful and it was more.

More than I could have dreamed, more than what I hoped for, more than I felt I deserved, more beautiful than words, more love than I ever thought was humanly possible. 

Life changed, so big, so powerful, and Great is our God was all my  heart could cry.

Connor came and suddenly that long hard season of infertility made sense. Those cries that were nothing but sobs were answered.  And now more often than not my tears are happy tears. Tears of joy, tears of pride, and tears of thankfulness.

When I reflect on my life and how much change has occurried its overwhelming. And if I could go back i'd tell myself to relax and enjoy right where  I am. I'd tell myself not to worry or stress because life is gonna change. And its gonna be beautiful and wonderful and so much more than I could ever dream. Id tell myself to embrace each season because it wont last forever. Id tell myself so many things. But the only words that would probably come would be

LIFE WILL CHANGE.

Beautiful Destination....

   This summer I sat in the pediatricians office for Connors second well visit. The first time he had a well visit I was completely unprepared since I had never done this before. I filled out the forms, but left the other questions or comments for the doctor section blank. This year I came prepared. I had a list of questions and concerns, I filled out the paperwork literally pouring my heart out on the paper. Since Connor sees a ENT and Ophthalmologist we skip the vision test and hearing test at his well visits. The doctor checked Connor and we chatted and laughed as he took her stethoscope and carefully placed it on her chest to give her heart a listen.  He knows the routine of all the usual doctors instruments which is adorable and yet incredibly sad all at once. Finally we got to my list, each question and concern was discussed, and then she began asking me a few questions about Connor as well. But one subject stuck with me. I'm not even sure why.  Maybe because I had never thought much about it, sometimes we grow focused on the things that we feel matter most, the big things, that we fail to notice the small everyday things. My chatter stopped immediately when she said " Can he peddle??  Like ride on toys can he peddle??" No....Well he probably could but he hasn't.....I think that he could. Ya know if he wanted to..I think. She smiled at Connor who was fluttering around the room trying to put on his charm and get attention.  We chatted a few more minutes about other things and then the flirty boys mood changed as he received his kindergarten shots. The appointment was over and we headed home. It went well, I was reassured and relieved, but peddling never really left my mind. Why hadn't I realized?? Why hadn't I been working with him??

   School started and life got busy. Time went by and when it came time for Connors birthday we decided to get him his first bicycle. He was excited and happy to sit on it, but no amount of encouragement or persuading got him to peddle. We tried alot. We placed his feet on the peddles. We let him watch me ( yes I rode a 12inch bike, perks of being short haha). And yet nothing. Then one day he did start pushing on the peddles, but backwards which as you know on a childs bike is the brakes so he didnt get anywhere. Still we encouraged him, no luck but we didnt stop or give up. We gave him his space though, cause Connor can be stubborn ( if you know us personally then your sure to have picked up on this already.) The bike set in our extra room for weeks, it was always available, but we didnt push. Somedays he would get on it and sit, but would always sign want, because he wanted me to push him. I"ll admit I got to a point where I regretted getting him a bike for his birthday. I mean we got him a present that he couldn't use. I felt sad about that. I felt bad for pushing him.

  This is so typical of life as a special needs parent. You want to do everything right, but your still learning yourself. You want to have the perfect balance of not pushing them too hard, and yet striving to teach them and help them reach their full potential. Guys its hard! We are all imperfect people which means we not always gonna get it right  all the time and us parents are often times way too hard on ourselves. One of the things that helps me is to remember there is pain in the waiting, there is heartache in the delays, there is setbacks and failures, but there is also so much beauty on the journey.  If Connors taught me  anything its that there's beauty in the waiting.

Sometimes the long journey, makes the destination so much more beautiful. Connor peddled his bike for the first time today. He clapped and cheered for himself right along with us!! It was a huge party at our house today as it is with every milestone whether something big or small.  And I was reminded that this boy has beat the odds again and again. Obstacle after obstacle, setback after setback he is resilient. So yes peddling should have came along time ago, and he has other countless delays but today we hit a goal, today we saw the beauty in the journey and today we clung to that.

He also rode his bike right into the Christmas tree, breaking one ornament and knocking countless others to the floor so now we work on steering. (haha)

And today as I watched my precious boy ride directly into our tree and I heard his daddys along with my own laughter echo through the house I was reminded of the beauty in the waiting. The beautiful destination , our family, the countless obstacles, setbacks, and failures and yet in the end here we are watching this beautiful boy ride his bike directly into our Christmas tree. And as ornaments went flying and a big gaping hole appeared where those perfectly fluffed branches had been I smiled at our beautiful destination.

Words to cling to....

  Most of you who know me know my obsession with music. Especially worship music.  I don't normally talk about this on my blogs, but recently I heard a song on the radio and the words spoke to me. Sometimes you hear a song and its like your hearts cry  being sang to you.  Thats what this song is to me.

It has so much meaning to me and yet its not one thing. Its like a thousand different meanings to me. Its not one set thing, its just for me. Its about me, its about my life.

If you havent heart Mistakes by Melody Noel and Influence Music please look it up.

Part of it Says I wont waste another day believing words you didnt say.

Wow! Talk about powerful! Half the time we dont even realize were doing it, but 90% of our worry and stress is because were listening to lies. Straight from the enemy!! I know I certainly have most of my life, and now its not intentional its just so easy to get caught up that we dont even realize it.

You dont make mistakes and you didnt start with me.  I dont intentionally think im a mistake. I am loved and I know my life has value, but even the simplest things in life have us doubting and putting ourselves down. Ive decided to cling to these words in those times. To remind myself that God has a purpose for me and I cant find that purpose while doubting myself and the strength that comes from having Him as my guide.

Of course my mind is constantly on Connor. All moms worry, dont get me wrong. But special needs moms our worry is huge. Our stress can be overwhelming.  And yet again the words were a reminder that my sons life has purpose no matter what the world may tell me. No matter whats thrown our way, No matter the difficult road we walk.  The world will always see him as different. People will always put limitations on him, BUT GOD! God sees him no different. God says his life has purpose that he is valuable!!
I encourage you to look up this song and really listen to the words. I know contemporary christian  music isnt everyones cup of tea and dont worry I wont try to persuade you to like it, but these words are powerful and maybe its just the words you need to cling to like it was for me.

Click here to listen.

The Beauty of Adoption.....

 November is National Adoption Month. Ya'll I struggle with the words to even say. I'll start out by saying Adoption is beautiful!

 And yet its so difficult! The paperwork, the red tape, the emotions, attachment, trauma. Its alot. Like a whole lot. Those who think its simple or even easy are so wrong, and yet its so worth it. Every excruciatingly hard step is met with so much joy. When you overcome so much together, its a special bond like no other.

  And there are moments you wonder how you ever lived without them. You wonder why you spent so much time worrying and stressing. You wish you could say you trudged through the whole way brave and confident, but the truth, the truth is you felt fear. Fear of the uncertainty, fear of the changes to come. But you look back and see that thats part of the journey. Sharing about the fear and uncertainty is as important as sharing your happily ever after.

So I'll share how I sat in a taxi only minutes away from my baby and asked myself what in the world I was doing. I'll share how he didnt want anything to do with me those first few days. I'll share how afraid we were. I'll share how we had to put our trust solely in God because we felt alone and as if no one understood. I'll share the stuff thats not pretty. Because it will show you the unfathomable beauty the first time Connor relaxed and allowed me to really hold him. The first time he ran to my out stretched arms.  The first time he realized that he was safe with us.

  Ill share about the hospital stays, the surgeries, the long list of specialist, the medicines he takes, the countless pediatcrican visits, the XRays, the MRIs, the PT, OT, and speech therapy updates, the way I cry at every single IEP meeting. I wont hide any of it so that light can be shown on the fact that its not easy. Its actually the opposite, its hard very hard. And yet its the life I was ALWAYS meant to have. Its what I was born to do. I was created to be his mother, not a mother but HIS mother, and likewise Jeremy was created to be his daddy. Not because were anything special, we are ordinary. We are simple folks, we deserve no pedestal.

 BUT GOD in His infinite glory and grace deserves the praise. He is the one who made us a family. The one with the plan to answer countless prayers with one amazing plan. The one who fathers the orphan, the one whose kindness makes us whole. The one who NEVER falls off his throne. The one who makes no mistakes. The one who certainly does give us more than we can handle, and yet never gives us more than He can handle. The one who leaves the 99 to come after us. We are the one He will seek after. Connor is the one HE never left behind. We are the one He never turned his ear from our prayers for a family, even though it might have seemed there was far more important prayers for Him to tend to. There was more pressing matters at hand. He heard us call and He came to our rescue. He came to Connor. He carried him, he carried us. And He made us a family. Not by chance, not by choice, but by His design, by His great plan. Thats His beauty, thats His grace, thats His sovereignty.

Thats the beauty of our story, because our family is a picture of Gods grace. Not anything that we did or even could do, but what HE did and what HE can do.

Thats the beauty of Adoption. 

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”   - David Platt

What If I told you....

  What if I told you your life was gonna be beautiful....

That everyday would begin and end with the biggest smile and hug.

What if I told you the goofiness would make your laughter echo through your house everyday.

What if I said that life would be tougher and there would be times you would have to fight on their behalf, but that you wouldn't mind and would rise to the occasion each time.

 That moving heaven on earth wouldn't seem that difficult for someone so innocent and sincere.

What If I told you, you'd get tired but you'd find strength to be there again day after day putting one foot in front of the other even when you didn't think you could take another step.

 That storms would come and its then you'd find the strength to face them head on.

 And there would be days you had no idea if you were doing the right things, but you'd find new strength each morning and you'd figure it out each time despite thinking maybe you don't have what it takes. But joy would  always come in the morning.

  And the joy would always far outweigh the sadness. What If I told you that you'd look back at how scared you were in the beginning and you'd smile knowing what you know now.

What if I told you that Down Syndrome is beautiful

And difficult

And scary

But always more beautiful

What If I told you that you'd become a better person.

That this journey would change you for the better.

That you'd choose them again and again.

 What If I told you that life would indeed be different,but that it would be BETTER!

 That that tiny face would change everything for the better, and you'd truly know that a extra chromosome is not so scary.

What If I told you that your life would be enriched by loving someone with Down syndrome. What if I told you that life would be better than okay. That life would be awesome just by having them in it.

 What If I told you that the fear would disappear and what would remain would be the purest love.

 And that all of a sudden your lifes goal would be to ensure they are happy.

 And that wouldnt be too hard because their joy would always shine through and you'd be amazed at their determination and resilience.

  What if I told you you'd thank God for this gift you've been given. That everyday wouldn't be a good day, but that there would be something good in every day.  That each milestone would be a huge celebration and you'd be their biggest fan. That you'd work tirelessly to advocate and show the world that Down syndrome is so beautiful. What if I told you.....

1 Samuel 1:27

  This morning I got Connor all dressed up for a Prince and Princess Tea party. I LOVE dressing him up!! I cringe when people say they want a girl so they can dress her up, I mean if you need proof that you can dress little boys up too here it is....

  I drove Connor to his Grammies ( he went to the party with her) and I looked back at him strapped safely in his carseat with his little suit and tie and I couldnt help but Praise God for this beautiful life he has given me. Cause I remember when I prayed for this. When I longed for a child to get ready. When I looked at my empty backseat and wished there was a carseat buckled in tightly. I remember wondering if I would ever own a carseat. I remember  wondering If there would ever be a time I glanced back to see a beautiful little face riding along with me. I thanked God right there while tears of thankfulness filled my eyes. Its then my thoughts were interrupted by Connor and I realized even though his voice was spewing out only squeals and babbles he was attempting to sing along to a worship song on the radio.  Again my heart overflowed cause  He knows who deserves the praise!!

There was a time I thought I would miss out on this. A time when this didnt seem like a reality. A time when being a mama didnt seem in the cards for me BUT GOD in his infinite Grace and Wisdom sent me a miracle. Not in the way we expected, and yet in a incredibly  beautiful and perfect way. Cause one of the awesome things about our God is a no from him still has His goodness written all over it.

And the time when my prayers came out nothing but babbles, much like Hannahs, is no more. Because now I hear babbles coming from the backseat. That backseat that now has a carseat buckled in tightly. A backseat I glance back into and am met with a beautiful little face. A face that doesnt look like the one I pictured, and yet its a face that makes me world go round. A face that makes me burst with pride, a face that gives me a love I didnt know existed. A face that lights up my days, A face that in a room full of people will always search for me, his mama. A face that is the answer to those prayers that only came out as sobs. A face I never knew I needed, and yet a face I cannot fathom living without. The face of my answered prayers. The face of my son.

And all at once I'm reminded of the days I prayed for what I have now. A life I dreamed about, and yet never envisioned quite like this. A life that is filled with the goodness and faithfulness of a almighty God.

Never believe that Gods no isnt for your good. Never believe that He doesnt have your best interest at heart. Trust Him. And I promise He will make your life overwhelmingly beautiful. And I cant promise you how long it will take, but I promise one day you'll look back and remember the days you prayed for what you have now.

 For this child I have prayed and THE LORD has granted the desires of my heart. 1 Samuel 1:27

They don't know what we know....

    Ya'll  I have been married 10 years and still I'm learning everyday!
How to communicate better. How to be kinder. How to navigate parenthood as one.  The list goes on and on.

My favorite part about marriage is knowing every night will be spent in the safety of your home with someone who would give their life to protect you. Seriously I've never felt safer than at the end of the day when I'm locked in tight with my hubby.  Knowing that everyday will end the same, our son safely tucked in bed across the hall from two people that love him unconditional. The walls of our home hold so much love, and laughter, and blissfulness.

More than marriage its about this person who completes me. Its about respect and appreciation. Its about love and contentment. Its about complete trust and brutal honesty. Its messy. Its beautiful.

(Im not talking about anything dirty) I'm talking about the moment you take off the stress of the day and your makeup, your hairs a oily mess cause you were too rushed to get the kids to the bus to wash it that morning and he still thinks your the most beautiful woman in the world. Im talking about falling asleep knowing your beside the one who asked you to be his forever and stands by that decision 10 years later. Im talking about spending most  hours in the day apart and yet ending everyday together and still feeling closer than ever. Im talking about being so close that you know what the other persons thinking. Knowing that the person will always be on your side, even when your wrong. Knowing that no matter what someone is in your corner. Knowing that your never alone and your never unloved.

Its sweet text and yet being secure in the fact that you haven't spoke to them all day. Its being able to vent with no judgement and not having to worry about your secrets being exposed. Its endless inside jokes and laughter. Its knowing that you've being holding hands for over a decade and yet still wanting to. Its talking about everything and yet being able to come home after a hard day and being able to say I dont wanna talk about it.

And since we married so young, its growing up together. Its looking back and seeing how much you've both changed. Its laughing about things you argued about in the beginning. Its watching your wedding video and laughing to the point of tears at that song you played and the color of those dresses. Its knowing that hard times will come and being so convinced that everything will be just fine, cause it always has been. Its remembering the days you ate frozen pizzas every night cause they were cheap and its literally all your could afford. Its watching your child play and knowing that he is everything and yet the key to your heart still belongs  to his daddy. Its trading in the going out nights for sweatpants and pj mask with the littles. Its looking back and realizing  you thought you could never love them more, but realizing you do. Its not all rainbows and butterflies. Its hard, very hard. Its alot of stormy and cloudy days, but you know at the end of the day it will be the two of you dancing in the rain together, laughing at how drenched you both are. Its being so confident in the choice you made to live your life with this person. Its choosing them over and over everyday with no regrets. Its beautiful and hard and messy and yet nothing has ever felt so right. Its as natural as breathing and you look back at so many moments that took your breath away. Its remembering the difficult moments and realizing they come no where close to all the happiness you have just from being with this person.

People today will try to convince you that marriage isnt beautiful. They will try to persuade you to believe  that it cant last. That it  is not realistic. That no one can be with one person for the rest of their lives. But they dont know me and you. They dont see what we see. They dont know what we know.  Cause if they could only see what we see they would believe just like we do.

Words from a stranger....

      As human being we thrive off the kind words from others ( even if we don't wanna admit it.) A complement here and there is music to our ears. We yearn  to hear were doing a good job, even when we don't even realize it.

Its wonderful to hear from our family and friends, but have you ever been given a kind word from a stranger?? It doesn't even have to be a total stranger it can be someone you know, but i'm talking about someone who doesnt have to say anything, but they do. Someone who it comes from complete left field from, and yet your hanging on every word. 

Before anyone gets the wrong idea I am not talking about flattering complements from a man, those are not good from strangers, especially when your married. Those are TROUBLE.

I'm talking about  a experience I had today in which someone spoke to me about my son. 

The person didnt have to say anything, and yet their words changed me and completely made my day. Its then it hit me, I wanna do that for someone else. I wanna be like that, speaking truth and reaffirming compliments to others. I'm not talking making up nice to stuff to say, it needs to be genuine. Its needs to be authentic, I wanna make someone else feel what I felt today.  

I like to think I'm a nice person, but I wanna be nicer, kinder, sweeter. I wanna speak words of encouragement, I wanna lift someone up. So today i'm asking you to join me and SPEAK UP.  I'm certainly gonna put more of a effort into this. Of course it needs to be our true feelings and obviously appropriate. Like the next time you think wow they did a really good job, tell them. The next time your grateful for someone, tell them.  With so much drama and discouragement lets be the encouragement someone needs. 

Cause I certainly needed this persons words today when he said " Connor is a beautiful child, he really is. He's very special to me."  Ya'll he didn't just mean hes a cutie ( my words hehe) He meant he is beautiful. His personality, his charisma, his endless babbling, his free spirit, his good days, his bad days, his resilience, his joy, his demeanor, he meant who he is IS BEAUTIFUL. I obviously agree 100%, but the fact that this person didn't need to say this. He wasn't forced, and it certainly wasnt expected and so it meant so much more. I know my family thinks hes beautiful, I know my friends think hes beautiful, but ya'll this was a stranger ( well not 100% a stranger, but not someone I know well.) 

His words changed me and I've been beaming all evening. Cause he saw my son. I mean really saw him. And just like my friends and family after only a little with him he saw the spark in him, the twinkle in his eyes, and it impacted him. It changed him. Connors changed his daddy and I. Connors changed our family. Connors changed our friends. And today I realized hes not stopping there. We send our babies out in the world and we hope they are being kind and obeying ( and dont get me wrong hes not always) but today I realized hes doing more than I could ever imagine.  Hes changing strangers. Hes reaching the world. Hes making his impact. Today words from a stranger gave me this resolution and oh how beautiful it truly is. 

Turning it over....

  Sometimes anxiety and depression strikes and we forget how blessed we are....Am I right??  Surely its not just me.

   Life gets hard and we forget when we prayed for things we have now. Gods faithful and He answered, but when we let chaos strike we forget. We get caught up in the hustle and bustle and everything seems overwhelming and well too much.

  This week while I've been off on fall break I've had the chance to slow down and take a long look at my life, and its beautiful and wonderful. And yet why cant I see that all the time. Why does it take a break to see how good everything really is.

So much stress and worry consumes our minds and we let it eat us up. I'm the worlds worst, I mean seriously I may possibly be the worlds worst. And as if I dont have enough to worry about, I start worrying about things that  COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN. I have a great example and its gonna make me seem absolutely crazy to you, but im gonna share anyway.

Leukemia...Did you know that those with Down Syndrome have a increased risk for Leukemia. Yep, I worry about this all the time. Anytime Connors sick in the back of my mind I think well it could be leukemia. Yall thats insane! Im well aware, but its the truth and thats just one example of things I worry about that havent even happened. Its one of the reasons I made them do lab work at Connors last well visit. ( Were all good btw.)

I have to get my CDLs for work this year. Ya'll I've already thought about where I could apply for a job if I cant pass the test to get them. I've thought about how miserable I'll be working anywhere else and not doing what I love. I've let it break my heart thinking about all the school breaks I'll miss with Connor when I have to get a new job, Cause guess what in my mind its sure to happen, cause why
CAUSE I LET THE ENEMY TELL ME IM A FAILURE!!!  Im convinced that I cant pass, cause im not good at anything. Im certain that I will ruin this perfect job I have, cause Im good for nothing.

And if its not the CDL that gets me I've assured myself it will be my attendance. Connors sick alot, he catches EVERYTHING. Then I start thinking about how many employers  ( at my new job im gonna have to get) wont put up with me missing alot of work because my child is sick. And there it is im doomed. Ill never be able to keep a job, and we cant make it on just Jeremys income. And here goes it gets deeper  If I cant keep a job then its sure to cause problems in my marriage and if  my marriage ends I'll have to move back in with my parents and I wont have any money and I'll miss so much time with Connor when its Jeremys weekends. And then we'll have to share holidays and how will I feel when its not my Christmas with him. Not having my child on Christmas.  Thats HORRIBLE!!
This is just a glimpse into my anxiety and depression. The things that eat me up and yet arent even happening!!

YALL THOSE THOUGHTS HAVE SATAN WRITTEN ALL OVER THEM!!

I know this, and yet it consumes me. Thats anxiety and depression at its best, and satan loves to use them cause its so easy. We all have things we worry about, we all have busy chaotic lives. But we dont have to let satan pour lies over us!!

So everyday I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and to focus on the here and now. My happy child, my wonderful husband, my good job, the roof over my head, the food on my table, the family, the friends.

Its a constant battle and its a daily fight, but Gods my victory. And the reality is with Him on my side im already a winner. Yes any of these could become reality, life certainly doesnt always go as planned, but the creator of the universe is on my side. Even If I walk away from Him, He NEVER walks away from me. He is my constant, even on the days life feels too much. Even on the days I allow my thoughts to take over, He loves me and is my peace.

And He wants to be your peace too. So together lets make up our minds right now to turn our stress and worry, our anxiety and depression to the one who can carry it. To the one reaching out for it. To the one who will never leave. To the one who hears our prayers and always answers ( in his time and way).

What do ya say??

Lets turn it all over to THE ONE TRUE KING.

Baby pictures of Connor