Beautiful Destination....

   This summer I sat in the pediatricians office for Connors second well visit. The first time he had a well visit I was completely unprepared since I had never done this before. I filled out the forms, but left the other questions or comments for the doctor section blank. This year I came prepared. I had a list of questions and concerns, I filled out the paperwork literally pouring my heart out on the paper. Since Connor sees a ENT and Ophthalmologist we skip the vision test and hearing test at his well visits. The doctor checked Connor and we chatted and laughed as he took her stethoscope and carefully placed it on her chest to give her heart a listen.  He knows the routine of all the usual doctors instruments which is adorable and yet incredibly sad all at once. Finally we got to my list, each question and concern was discussed, and then she began asking me a few questions about Connor as well. But one subject stuck with me. I'm not even sure why.  Maybe because I had never thought much about it, sometimes we grow focused on the things that we feel matter most, the big things, that we fail to notice the small everyday things. My chatter stopped immediately when she said " Can he peddle??  Like ride on toys can he peddle??" No....Well he probably could but he hasn't.....I think that he could. Ya know if he wanted to..I think. She smiled at Connor who was fluttering around the room trying to put on his charm and get attention.  We chatted a few more minutes about other things and then the flirty boys mood changed as he received his kindergarten shots. The appointment was over and we headed home. It went well, I was reassured and relieved, but peddling never really left my mind. Why hadn't I realized?? Why hadn't I been working with him??

   School started and life got busy. Time went by and when it came time for Connors birthday we decided to get him his first bicycle. He was excited and happy to sit on it, but no amount of encouragement or persuading got him to peddle. We tried alot. We placed his feet on the peddles. We let him watch me ( yes I rode a 12inch bike, perks of being short haha). And yet nothing. Then one day he did start pushing on the peddles, but backwards which as you know on a childs bike is the brakes so he didnt get anywhere. Still we encouraged him, no luck but we didnt stop or give up. We gave him his space though, cause Connor can be stubborn ( if you know us personally then your sure to have picked up on this already.) The bike set in our extra room for weeks, it was always available, but we didnt push. Somedays he would get on it and sit, but would always sign want, because he wanted me to push him. I"ll admit I got to a point where I regretted getting him a bike for his birthday. I mean we got him a present that he couldn't use. I felt sad about that. I felt bad for pushing him.

  This is so typical of life as a special needs parent. You want to do everything right, but your still learning yourself. You want to have the perfect balance of not pushing them too hard, and yet striving to teach them and help them reach their full potential. Guys its hard! We are all imperfect people which means we not always gonna get it right  all the time and us parents are often times way too hard on ourselves. One of the things that helps me is to remember there is pain in the waiting, there is heartache in the delays, there is setbacks and failures, but there is also so much beauty on the journey.  If Connors taught me  anything its that there's beauty in the waiting.

Sometimes the long journey, makes the destination so much more beautiful. Connor peddled his bike for the first time today. He clapped and cheered for himself right along with us!! It was a huge party at our house today as it is with every milestone whether something big or small.  And I was reminded that this boy has beat the odds again and again. Obstacle after obstacle, setback after setback he is resilient. So yes peddling should have came along time ago, and he has other countless delays but today we hit a goal, today we saw the beauty in the journey and today we clung to that.

He also rode his bike right into the Christmas tree, breaking one ornament and knocking countless others to the floor so now we work on steering. (haha)

And today as I watched my precious boy ride directly into our tree and I heard his daddys along with my own laughter echo through the house I was reminded of the beauty in the waiting. The beautiful destination , our family, the countless obstacles, setbacks, and failures and yet in the end here we are watching this beautiful boy ride his bike directly into our Christmas tree. And as ornaments went flying and a big gaping hole appeared where those perfectly fluffed branches had been I smiled at our beautiful destination.

Words to cling to....

  Most of you who know me know my obsession with music. Especially worship music.  I don't normally talk about this on my blogs, but recently I heard a song on the radio and the words spoke to me. Sometimes you hear a song and its like your hearts cry  being sang to you.  Thats what this song is to me.

It has so much meaning to me and yet its not one thing. Its like a thousand different meanings to me. Its not one set thing, its just for me. Its about me, its about my life.

If you havent heart Mistakes by Melody Noel and Influence Music please look it up.

Part of it Says I wont waste another day believing words you didnt say.

Wow! Talk about powerful! Half the time we dont even realize were doing it, but 90% of our worry and stress is because were listening to lies. Straight from the enemy!! I know I certainly have most of my life, and now its not intentional its just so easy to get caught up that we dont even realize it.

You dont make mistakes and you didnt start with me.  I dont intentionally think im a mistake. I am loved and I know my life has value, but even the simplest things in life have us doubting and putting ourselves down. Ive decided to cling to these words in those times. To remind myself that God has a purpose for me and I cant find that purpose while doubting myself and the strength that comes from having Him as my guide.

Of course my mind is constantly on Connor. All moms worry, dont get me wrong. But special needs moms our worry is huge. Our stress can be overwhelming.  And yet again the words were a reminder that my sons life has purpose no matter what the world may tell me. No matter whats thrown our way, No matter the difficult road we walk.  The world will always see him as different. People will always put limitations on him, BUT GOD! God sees him no different. God says his life has purpose that he is valuable!!
I encourage you to look up this song and really listen to the words. I know contemporary christian  music isnt everyones cup of tea and dont worry I wont try to persuade you to like it, but these words are powerful and maybe its just the words you need to cling to like it was for me.

Click here to listen.

The Beauty of Adoption.....

 November is National Adoption Month. Ya'll I struggle with the words to even say. I'll start out by saying Adoption is beautiful!

 And yet its so difficult! The paperwork, the red tape, the emotions, attachment, trauma. Its alot. Like a whole lot. Those who think its simple or even easy are so wrong, and yet its so worth it. Every excruciatingly hard step is met with so much joy. When you overcome so much together, its a special bond like no other.

  And there are moments you wonder how you ever lived without them. You wonder why you spent so much time worrying and stressing. You wish you could say you trudged through the whole way brave and confident, but the truth, the truth is you felt fear. Fear of the uncertainty, fear of the changes to come. But you look back and see that thats part of the journey. Sharing about the fear and uncertainty is as important as sharing your happily ever after.

So I'll share how I sat in a taxi only minutes away from my baby and asked myself what in the world I was doing. I'll share how he didnt want anything to do with me those first few days. I'll share how afraid we were. I'll share how we had to put our trust solely in God because we felt alone and as if no one understood. I'll share the stuff thats not pretty. Because it will show you the unfathomable beauty the first time Connor relaxed and allowed me to really hold him. The first time he ran to my out stretched arms.  The first time he realized that he was safe with us.

  Ill share about the hospital stays, the surgeries, the long list of specialist, the medicines he takes, the countless pediatcrican visits, the XRays, the MRIs, the PT, OT, and speech therapy updates, the way I cry at every single IEP meeting. I wont hide any of it so that light can be shown on the fact that its not easy. Its actually the opposite, its hard very hard. And yet its the life I was ALWAYS meant to have. Its what I was born to do. I was created to be his mother, not a mother but HIS mother, and likewise Jeremy was created to be his daddy. Not because were anything special, we are ordinary. We are simple folks, we deserve no pedestal.

 BUT GOD in His infinite glory and grace deserves the praise. He is the one who made us a family. The one with the plan to answer countless prayers with one amazing plan. The one who fathers the orphan, the one whose kindness makes us whole. The one who NEVER falls off his throne. The one who makes no mistakes. The one who certainly does give us more than we can handle, and yet never gives us more than He can handle. The one who leaves the 99 to come after us. We are the one He will seek after. Connor is the one HE never left behind. We are the one He never turned his ear from our prayers for a family, even though it might have seemed there was far more important prayers for Him to tend to. There was more pressing matters at hand. He heard us call and He came to our rescue. He came to Connor. He carried him, he carried us. And He made us a family. Not by chance, not by choice, but by His design, by His great plan. Thats His beauty, thats His grace, thats His sovereignty.

Thats the beauty of our story, because our family is a picture of Gods grace. Not anything that we did or even could do, but what HE did and what HE can do.

Thats the beauty of Adoption. 

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”   - David Platt