Panic, tragedy, triumph, loss

  Lately I have entered into a season of waiting. Waiting for questions from Hong Kong, waiting on Matching Approval, waiting on answers from grants we applied for, waiting for Connor!!

Dont get me wrong waiting is not easy, but I have been learning and growing into the mother my son will need. I can see myself changing into the woman who will be my sons mothers.

However this past week I entered into another season as well. A season I want nothing but to get out of. A season of panic, tragedy, triumph and loss.

Ever got one of those phone calls "Dont panic" and you know that your world is about to crumble. Thats what happen to me one week ago. With a few simple words I slowly felt myself lose my mind in a sense, as I panicked.

At the same time several of those I know had similar situations.

Then one week later I watched as a dear friend received a phone call that sent  her into sheer panic.  Such tragedy and loss my heart broke for her. My heart is still breaking for her and yet I am also in a state of triumph as Mamaw is home, She is walking and talking.

I cant understand why, why am I in this season?? What do I need to take from it and keep with me??

The truth is I dont have those answers and maybe I never will but I do know that I looked up at my calender today and saw this verse right above the words March

May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. 2 Thessalonians 3:16

March was a month when I needed peace the  most and I know its no coincidence that this verse was printed on a month that would bring so much panic, tragedy, triumph and loss. 

March 18th, 2015

Every day is not a good day,
 but there is something good in every day.

There are a thousand reasons I want to forget March 18, 2015. There are moments of that day that are sketched in my mind so vividly and I just cant erase them no matter how hard I try.  

I can replay word for word the phone call I received.

I can tell you where I was,what I was doing, and who I was with.

After the phone call all I have are jumbled up here and there memories of what I said and did as panic sunk deeper and deeper into my body.

I can see in my mind each family members face as I walked into the waiting room. 

I remember all the bad, down to every tiny detail.

However I am choosing to find something good about March 18, 2015.

Its hard to find the good, but if we take a deeper look its there.

Maybe its hearing her voice and having a conversation with her.

Maybe its being surrounded by people who all love her as much as we do.

Maybe its the laughter and stories we shared in the waiting room as we nervously talked about anything but what was actually happening.
Maybe its family and how we piled together in cars and took off. How we had each others back and seeing how much we all care deeply for her.
Maybe its knowing how even the slightest difference in where and how things happened could have changed the outcome drastically.
Maybe its knowing those who didnt have to help or be there but stepped in and did what needed to be done.
Maybe its the calm that fell over us as we saw with our own eyes and heard her words flow clearly with our own ears.

Maybe its all these things but the good I choose to find in March 18th 2015 is  That Mamaws still here.

Things may be different, She may not be as independent as before but her heart still beats and that is the good I find in March 18th 2015.

Pass the Potatoes.....

  When my family sits around the table for a meal we sort of do it buffet style, the food is on the table but we normally stand up and get whatever we want, we never were a pass the potatoes kind of family. Still to this day this is how we eat. I still remember the first time eating at my In Laws and the innocent laughter when I stood up and began filling my plate, they are a pass the potatoes kind of family. There is no right way to eat a meal thats not what this story is about, my point is no matter if we are neighbors or live worlds apart we are all different. The truth is most of our differences are as silly as standing up and helping yourself or asking someone to pass your favorite dish to you, yet we fight and bicker and of course assume our way is right. What do I think?? What do I think we should do?? I think we should love one another so much that we should admire our differences, we should rejoice in our individualities.

   I worry way too much about being a "Perfect" mom. I stress over things all moms stress over when to potty train and where to send them to school, and its ok obviously I know that no ones perfect so why do we seek perfection?? Why do we assume that we wont be good enough or arent good enough??  When will it end?? The truth is I have no answer to these questions , maybe when its closer to time to bring Him home I will, or maybe I wont but it wont matter.  It will be  irrelevant whether we teach Connor to say please pass the potatoes or whether he helps himself, it just doesnt matter. What matters is that He knows that Jesus blood can cover any mistake He could ever make, That we make sure He understands that God love will never go away, or give up on Him. What matters is that We love him with everything we have and that with everything we do we point him towards Christ . That we love him for who he is not that we bury our heads in the sand and pretend were exactly the same, but that we see our differences and we rejoice and celebrate them. If we do all this those others things wont matter much and they will just kinda fall into place.

   I remember looking up to women with children who have special needs, those who were a little different, but still amazing no less. I remember telling them on more than one occassion how they were specifically chosen to be their childs mother because God knew they had what it took.   He knew they  would be the "perfect " mom to their child. Now God has chosen me to parent a child that the world will say is far less than perfect, and the truth is im petrified. I worry, I stress, I am a thousand emotions, but what overwhelms me the most is knowing That God thinks I have what it takes. That The King of the Universe saw simple old me and said thats her, She is who I want to be Connors Mother. He sees so much more in me than I could ever see in myself and that overwhelms me.

Hello Busy . . . .

          We have been insanely busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im talking last week we had somewhere to be every single night!!! Although I am thankful for friends and things we are blessed to be apart of I am TIRED!!!!  Also its has been great as far as waiting on news from Hong Kong, but still Jeremy and I both just need a rest, just a break, a second to catch our breath so to speak. Have you ever been so busy that you feel you cant fully give each task 100%?? Isnt that worse than saying hey I cant do it all and giving up a few responsibilities on your plate?? Whats your opinion??

A Bright Future

  Today I am rejoicing as The Fellowship Church officially has a new home!!! Today papers were signed and we now have a building that is all our own. Words cannot even describe our excitement!!! We are in awe of how far God has brought us in just two short years. From meeting in our pastors home to renting we have been blessed and we are thankful for each step of the road even the hard times with no heat and a water pipe busting leaving our church drenched we are grateful because it all makes this moment so much more meaningful. We still have lots of renovations but we are thankful that we see such a bright future, its not us or anything we have done or will do, its about Christ and how He is working , without Him this all means nothing.

Please continue to pray that God would use this building to bring those who are lost into a meaningful relationship with Him. Pray that we could use the resources God is giving us to point others toward Him. Pray that we would live and love like Jesus!