God, I don't know how to do this.....

God, I don't know how to do this.

  Words I vividly remember crying out to God nearly 5 years ago.  See we knew God had called us to adopt this precious boy, but the fear was overwhelming. I honestly didn't understand how this could be His plan. I felt so unqualified for such a big job. I couldn't see myself being a good mother to him. I couldn't see the big picture....the picture that now I see so clearly.

I cannot fathom not having Connor in my life. I know I was meant to be his mother, and I know I am far from perfect don't get me wrong, but I'm doing it. This thing I thought I couldn't do comes as easy as breathing. Sure sometimes life gets tough the surgeries, the specialist, the many health concerns, the behaviors, the unknown of the future, but one thing I know is he will never face any of it without his mother as long as I'm living. I have found strength I never knew existed within me. I have learned just what I am capable of. Not because I'm anything exceptional, but because I have a God who is. He instills all we need to parent our children. He will give us above all we could ever expect, and when he calls us He alone will qualify us.  And Isn't it beautiful the life He will give us if we surrender and follow Him. His plans are always for our good, though sometimes its hard to see the big picture when He is calling us to do something so overwhelming. But next thing you know 5 years have passed and all is well. You are doing the thing you thought you couldn't. Not only are you doing it, but you can't imagine doing anything else.

Last year we needed to change some paperwork as to Connors diagnosis. I won't lie even when you know its the truth seeing the words Intellectual disability is never easy. You want to shake your head and say NO HES NOT! And ya know why??? Because you don't see it.

You don't see how delayed he is. Because hes right where he should be to you.
You don't see him as different. Because you love him exactly how he is.
You don't see any disability, Because you see all he CAN do.
You don't see nonverbal, Because he speaks to you so clearly. Even the "Uhh Uhhs" mean something to you. You understand him perfectly, though the world may never understand that.
You don't see these things because you see your child. You see your whole world. You see nothing but unconditional love. And thats why I know I can be his mother, though I once convinced myself I couldn't. Because I see past the unknowns, and fears and what I see is my little boy. Who I will never see as anything, but absolutely perfect.

Yes, God certainly qualified me.

She don't know his name....

Today  I've had Connors birth mother on my mind. Y'all know I post about her on his birthday and mother's day, but sometimes I just randomly think of her. I wouldn't know her if I saw her, I've never seen her face and yet I'm eternally grateful that she loved him enough to choose life for him. I cannot help, but wonder if this is what she meant  when she wanted a better life for him. Connor brought home a paper today where he is practicing writing his name, and it hit me from out of no where....she don't know his name. And it left me feeling sad. She doesn't know that his hair is currently falling out because he was recently diagnosed with Alopecia. She doesn't know about the countless surgeries and hospital stays. She doesn't know that I kept his hair longer on top to hide his cowlick, but shorter on the sides cause it's easier to wash. Cause if there's one thing he hates it's having his hairwashed. She doesn't know that he is my shadow, but he loved daddy first. She doesn't know that he cries without his nightlight, and is just now realizing Santa's not so bad. She doesn't know that he is loved by EVERYONE that has ever been near him, and that he loves to be extra goofy in hopes to make someone laugh. She doesn't know that he can say a handful of words, and knows many signs. And even though he's primarily nonverbal anyone whose spent any time with him will tell you he has a way of letting you know what he means and getting his point across.  I wish she knew how much we love him. I wish she knew that he changed everything about me. I wish she knew I'm better because of him. I wish she knew he got that better life she prayed for.  I wish she knew his name....