You can do Big things....

 Jeremy and I live far from a lavish lifestyle. We are simple folks. We dont have anything fancy. Most of my clothes are from goodwil and walmart. If I have anything name brand I promise someone else bought it for me. We live paycheck to paycheck. Im not saying this for pity, we have an incredible life. I say this to tell you....you can do big things.

   With God all things are possible right?? Most of us have heard it our entire lives, but do we really believe it?? We all know we can trust God, but do we really do it???

   I remember when God called us to move to Montana to do full time ministry. Ya'll we'd never even been there! Don't think for one second we were brave. I cannot tell you how many times I said "I can't do this!" But next thing ya know we were loading up a uhaul and making the 2,173 mile journey to a new life. It was a big thing!  So many times I thought what on earth are we doing. So many times I thought God how can this be your plan. We had such a good life in Montana. And then after 2 years God told us to come home. We should have been ecstatic, sometimes we were, sometimes we were weren't. One things for sure our hearts were absolutely  broken.

Again my heart cried God how can this be your plan. When we arrived home we really struggled, me more than Jeremy. See your mind thinks things will be the same, but after two years away nothing was the same. Life had went on without us and I struggled with my place here again. It was home, and yet it felt like the futherest thing from home. I struggled for a long time. I was in a dark place, super depressed, and always sad. 

Then after being home for 9 months God called us to do something big once again. We set out on our adoption journey. Another two year adventure ( 21 months to be exact) and we welcomed Connor Thaddeus Malone into our family. So many things made sense. My purpose was revealed in the darkest eyes and straight as a board  black hair. 

International Adoption was big! $20,000 we definitely didn't have. Once again we were far from brave. On the outside it looked like we had all the trust in God, but so many times we doubted His plan. We couldnt see how we could do something so big.    

Sometimes ( and definitely the case for us in these two instances) God doesn't show us the whole stair case. One reason is it would definitely scare us into not even taken that first step if we could see the entire way with the twist and turns and roadblocks. Also its because we can't make it to the top without Him. These two things I have no doubt could not have been done without a mighty God. 

So when I say I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me It certainly doesn't mean I can do them alone. I need Him. Only with Him with me and often carrying me did I make it to the top of the staircase of the big things He's called me to do. 

So yes you can do big things, but only with a Mighty God guiding you along the way. Sometimes only revealing a step at a time, to ensure you trust Him to help you to the top.  Hes ways are always higher and His plans are always good. He takes simple ordinary folks like me and you and does big things. Not because were anything great, but because He is great!

And oh when you get to the top of that staircase the beauty that awaits you will blow your mind.

Hes just a little boy....

    Sometimes, ok alot of times we put way to much pressure on ourselves right??  We are definitely our own worst critics, but what about when that spills over onto our kids....

   The pressures in this life are insane! We have to be the best at everything, at all times no matter what. But ya know what we aren't always the best version of ourselves. We all have bad days. We all experience setbacks. We all have obstacles. If we say we don't, well were lying to ourselves.

  Sometimes this spills over onto our kids. Maybe we don't even mean to, but we pressure them to be the best at all times. We push them sometimes beyond their limits, not purposefully but we do none the less. Please don't think I'm preaching at anyone cause I'm speaking to myself too.

  I have to remind myself that hes just a little boy... 

  When he gets into everything, when he spills things everywhere, when he disobeys, the list could go on and on..

 Connor recently is into everything, like seriously EVERYTHING! He opens all cabinets, all drawers I guess its baffling because hes never done this before. He gets whatever he wants and you have to practically wrestle it away from him with him babbling something that resembles "mine". Obviously as an only child theres not a over abundance of times at home to teach him to share. However we've done our best. Hes been decent at sharing, until recently when he snatches whatever he wants from whoever he wants. Im not here to roast my son I promise im getting to the point....

Do these things need addressed you bet, and believe me we do. Only when i'm being tough on him I have to sometimes step back and remind myself hes just a little boy. YES at almost 7 years old, he should already know that he cannot snatch a toy from a baby. YES at 7 years old he shouldn't just now be exploring his home, and assuming I'd have no problem with him running through the house with a pizza cutter.

  Please don't think im using any of this to give him a pass, because I promised myself i'd never ever do that. However he is delayed. He does have a intellectual disability. He is ( primarily)  nonverbal. These things matter. These things must come into play before expecting him to obey like a typical 6 year old. And yet I have no doubt that he understands the rules. He knows the rules, but it goes back to those delays. I'm fairly certain hes just hitting the terrible twos ( no I am not saying two year olds are terrible). Some peoples heads almost spin around when they hear me say this. Its ok guys. I know my son is far from a typical 6 year old. And drum roll please thats fine with me.

Whoa Dont stop reading yet. Im just trying to be honest. I know I speak more openly than others, but I feel like im suppose to. I feel like for some reason someone else may need my upfront honesty. They might need this unspoken truth. So here goes....

 Hes just a little boy. Biologically almost 7, but much younger in reality. Please dont get me wrong. My sons smart! Hes super smart! He blows me away with things he comprehends daily, and yet its ok to say he is out of place with his typical aged peers.  I've watched him in a play setting. He will hang with the big boys like the best of them, but he will also show little interest in their activities and head over to the 2 and under area and hang with the babies. And though he may look out of place physically he fits in better there.

I dread events broken up by age. Bible school, egg hunts. I dread it because I feel unsure of my decisions on where to place him. I vividly remember asking my mom this year before Bible School at her church "what do I do??" Hes 6 so he should be in the 6-8 boys, but my 30 pounder doesn't fit there.
3-5 boys I feel bad cause hes 3 years older than those 3 year olds. My mom gave her advice, but as always said " Do what you feel is right for him, and Dont worry about what anyone thinks." I ultimately decided on 3-5 boys and I think it went perfect and he fit well. ( I wanna add in here that no one has ever said a word about any of this. Its mostly a battle within myself as a mother.)  I'm just giving this as an example of things others may not even have to think for a second about. You put your kid in with their age group and never bat a eye. Its hard ya'll this is just the tip of the iceberg of tough decisions I have to make for him. I worry so often about messing up. About making the wrong choice ( see what I mean about us being too hard on ourselves.)  In the end I do my best to do whats best for him. Do I always get it right, Nope as a human that's impossible. But I do it with the best of intentions and thats what counts.

Another thing about Connor is although he loves other kids being around he doesn't really "play" with them.  I encourage you to watch him sometimes, and it wont take you long to see what I mean. Dont get me wrong Connor has friends. He is very well liked ( makes my mama heart so happy.) I love that hes content being independent. I love to watch him happy as can be playing near others, but alone. I know that this can really isolate him in the future, and I definitely dont want that for him. I can encourage him to play with others, but I cant force it. I cant make him. Its then I have to remind myself....Hes just a little boy and let him play however makes him happy if thats alone then ok.

These are just a few of the examples of worries and fears. Fears too big for such a little boy. Fears that show how hard this mama is on herself. Fears that clearly show im my own worst critic. Pressures that I put on myself, but am determined not to put on him.

I am constantly trying not to push him., Not to pressure him beyond his limits.  Somewhere along the line that put more pressure on me. More fears. More worries. More stress.

He spills things because I help too much, and his hand eye coordination isnt better. He is into everything, cause hes bored and I am not doing enough to stimulate his mind. He doesn't share because he doesnt play with others, and I dont do enough to help him learn to see the fun in playing with others. Hes naughty because im too hard on him. Hes naughty because im too lenient on him.

Do these things seem completely irrational. Ive thought them, but even I can see once there in writing they are are completely irrational and honestly borderline ridiculous! Thats a perfect example of how we treat ourselves.  Pressuring ourselves and pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Criticizing ourselves, when we would assure anyone else they are wrong, and their doing great.

So believe it mamas ( and dads)! Your doing your best. Your intentions are in the right place. Give yourself some grace you deserve it!

Just breathe and remember hes just a little boy....