Confessions from a Supermom

#1 Im not a super mom. As a matter of fact most days I struggle to be a descent mom. Its a daily push and climb to be  a good mom, little on a super one.

#2 If love alone makes you a super mom then I'd win. I love my kid more than life itself.

#3 I may pretend to have it all together but I assure you I definitely DON'T, not even close.

#4 I'm still learning daily. Like literally I learn new stuff everyday.

#5 You can call me many things but a push over is not one of them. I discipline the way I see fit, I am tough, I expect my child to be kind and considerate. I wont accept less.

#6 I make mistakes I dont even try to pretend to act like I think im always right, because im probably not alot of the time.

#7 I need Jesus, like every second of everyday!!!

#8 I'm 100% guilty of losing myself. Everything is about and for my kid. I need to work on this, I need to convince myself that I can be a good mom and not lose myself in the process.

#9 I'd love to give my child a sibling, and yet the thought of having another scares me to death.

#10 I worry daily that im messing up, that somehow my mistakes will shape him into someone I dont want him to be.

 These are my Confessions,  More to come later......

Adoption from my sons perspective....

    This post is emotional for me to write because all we wanna think about adoption is the love and happiness side and while let me assure you it has brought us abundant love and happiness I cannot lie and say that adoption comes without a cost. On our side is nothing but love and happiness, but if im honest from my childs perspective adoption has another side.

Adoption is loss.

  The fact that my son needed to be adopted means he has experienced great loss.  Let me first say that my sons biological mother named him at birth. His birth name means " Gift from Heaven" She chose that specifically so ill let you guess how she felt about her child.  Oh the unspeakable loss she must experience still from one of the most selfless decisions she will probably ever make. She chose more for him. More than she knew she could give and although he doesnt remember he experienced that loss. He knows im mama and I know he loves me and knows that I love him, and still I know he loss the chance to have a mama who has his eyes, who has his smile. That was his first loss.

   Then he experienced loss the day we came. He left the only home he ever knew. The day he left the orphanage with us I have no doubt was one of the most traumatic experiences of his life.  He lost it all. His home, his family. And although we knew he now had a home and a family he didnt understand any of it. We were strangers who took him from those he loved the most. It breaks my heart to think that is what his little mind must have thought in the beginning.

The day we left the orphanage Connor said goodbye to everything. They have a ritual where you go around and say goodbye to the playroom, the playground, the bathroom, and finally the bedroom and your bed. I will never ever forget what it felt like to experience this I will never forget letting the tears slid down my face and how I was swept over with this overwhelming heartbreak for the pain and loss that he would experience in the days to follow. When we got to his bed, Connor waved goodbye and my heart broke into a million pieces and all I could think is, this is the place he laid when I was crying out to God for a child and God saw him. This is where he was sleeping all those nights I got on my knees by his crib and prayed for his safety. All those nights I looked up at the stars and wondered if he was hungry, I wondered if he was loved, He was sleeping soundly in this very spot tucked in safely with a full belly and those who loved him very much near by.  I dont even have the words to explain it all but there is just something that happened in my heart the moment he waved goodbye to his bed.

Connor came home....

 Scared

Overwhelmed

Confused 

And Sad.

  We dont like to admit that part. We dont like to talk about it, but its the truth. He was scared, overwhelmed, confused, sad, and in his mind alone. Everyone he knew, everyone he loved ,everything familiar was all of a sudden gone. That is loss, that is pain.

And yet even from our deepest sorrow God can bring beauty from the ashes. We played, we danced, we laughed and I cant tell you exactly when it happened, but one day I realized the sadness in his eyes was gone.

   One night after being home only a few weeks Connor reach over while watching cartoons and took my hand. And in the moment I knew he understood. I knew that even though he was missing those he loved very much he realized I was mama and even though I know he still felt confused, and overwhelmed, and was still at times very sad, he finally realized with me he is safe.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Adoption is love. Adoption is happiness. Adoption is also loss, pain, and grief. Even if you get your happily ever after. 

I will not take someone elses Connor,

Time to answer the million dollar question.  Do you want to adopt another child/ will you adopt more??


You have no idea how often I am asked this and I totally understand why. I dont mind one bit answering this question or any question about our family, Connor, Adoption, or Down Syndrome. So please keep asking away:)

Do I want to adopt more?? Will We adopt more??

    The answer to that question is simple and yet so complicated. I 100% want to adopt another child!!!! If it were up to me I would be elbow deep in paperwork, working vigorously to bring home our second child.

  However at the same time the answer is also no.

This is confusing I know so let me explain.  Adoption is hard, simple, frustrating, happy, heartbreaking, and yet so joyous. So I will not enter into it lightly as we didnt with Connors Adoption. It should be entered into with much  prayer and decisiveness.

This is exactly why my answer is no and yet 1000 times over yes.

I want want want to adopt another child like yesterday. However I know this is my answer not Gods. I do not feel God calling us to do so at this time and so this is where my answer no comes in.

We could enter into the adoption process, we could bring home another child. We could love them with a love so fierce just as we do Connor. After all its Gods plan for  all Orphans to find a home right??

And your right and yet still I would say no until I hear Gods voice. But how Can Gods voice not be saying yes and that my friends is where it gets oh so tricky.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

There we have it. 

What if we enter into the adoption process without a clear yes from God. What if we bring home a beautiful soul that  needed a family. Would they have a good life? Yes. Would they be loved beyond belief?? Yes. Would we be a happy family of four? Yes. I see where you could say well whats the hold up then?? And the hold up is one more question the sums it all up and goes right along with Jeremiah 29:11

What if we take someone elses Connor???

  If we adopt another child without a clear yes from God. If we move forward without hearing his voice we might be changing his plan for that child. We might be taking someone elses Connor.

 I can promise you from our ENTIRE family we do not want to even think about what life would be like without Connor. I remember well how it felt to have empty arms after 7 years of praying for a child. So I cannot fathom the thought of being the reason someone elses arms are still empty. If God has a plan for each child and we interfere with that plan we would be taking a child from another family. We would be taking another families endless joy. He or She I have no doubt would fit perfectly in our family photos but maybe we would be taking a precious face right out of someone elses family photo.

So this is why my answer is no. Maybe its not a definite no, maybe its a not right now. Only God knows the answer to that. But one things for sure I will not take someone elses joy away. I will not void their family photos of a very important member. I will not take someone elses Connor. 

Stand Still and let God move. 

We are listening and waiting for Gods Jeremiah 29:11 for us.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Urgent Prayer Request !!!

       Chances are if your not a adoptive parent, or "China Mama" as many of us are called ( Mamas who adopted from China) you dont know that last week China released a new list of requirements for adoptive families.
 Click here to read requirements  --->   https://hic2.egnyte.com/dd/bWg6opzJIv/

Maybe your wondering why im sharing this so let me explain. You may not realize but there are families who already were matched, they carried around photos of a child they were certain was theirs. A child even though they hadnt met face to face a child they love. A child who belonged. A child who had a family anxiously awaiting the day they could see them face to face. Im told the China government is reviewing each of these files case by case, but I have already heard of countless families who were told no they could not move forward to adopt their child.

I say their child because I remember how I felt once I had a picture of Connor. I remember how even though I knew nothing about motherhood I still felt like his mother. I remember how much I longed to bring him home, to begin our life together. What I remember most is how he already belonged. He had a room ready for him, he had toys, he had clothing.

There are families who are looking at a room that will not be filled with that precious child they have studied in pictures. A beautiful soul that no longer belongs, but not because they dont long for them too. Hearts are ripped open, wounds that cut so deep. And the reason Im telling you is I desperately want you to help me pray for them. Although I want you to pray for all orphans around the world and all families in the adoption process I am specifically asking you to lift up these families. The families who thought they had it all figured out, the families who love a child very much that can never be theres. Families who are still waiting to find out a answer to whether they can move forward or not. Please please help me pray..

This is the first photo we ever saw of Connor.

    I remember how we studied his sweet face. I remember how we poured prayer over him. I remember introducing him to family members. I carried this photo in my purse, in my car, and on our refrigerator. I loved him deeply. And while Hong Kong has its own separate government so these requirements would not have applied nor do they apply to Hong Kong now I still feel the sting for families who were exactly where  I was. Only to have their happily ever after slip through their fingers.  And this is why I am affected so deeply by requirements that wouldnt even have applied to my childs adoption and yet I feel slight panic in knowing they were right where I was. They need our prayers, and my hope is you will join me in praying for the children and families who are so deeply affected by these new requirements.  Families who are in limbo, families who have already received the news that they are indeed not families after all. They need us desperately, will you be there for them??

Press Forward Anyway...

  This post goes out to anyone in a uncertain situation. Your scared, your uncertain, the odds probably seem stacked against you and you see no way to proceed ahead. Let me tell you I know, I get it. Maybe I dont get your specific situation, but I know what its like to feel all the things I just listed. And its hard, and scary, and overwhelming. I've been there.

   When we felt God calling us to adopt I saw no way that it was going to work. We had zero money saved. ZERO! We lived paycheck to paycheck. We couldnt see a light at the end of the tunnel. We couldnt see how it could possibly all work. International Adoption is so so so expensive!!! And on top of that everyone thought we were crazy! I mean EVERYONE!!! We had a few exceptions, but for the most part when we told people our happy news we were met with opinions, oh so many opinions.  "You should foster", "You know there are children here".  I could go on and on, but you get my point. It was not only difficult to hear but it was very very disappointing. The truth is we had awhile to digest it all. When we surrendered and said Ok God we have no idea how this is gonna work, but you know the plans you have for us and we will follow you the excitement begin to set in. After all the years of praying and tears we were gonna have a BABY!!! And when we told person after person and werent met with that same excitement it was devastating.  The point I am trying to make is. Its ok. Its ok if no one gets it. Its ok if you get a less than thrilled reaction to something you feel so passionately about. Press forward anyway.

Then Came the diagnosis. 

Down Syndrome???

What??

"Can you handle that??" "Why??"  " Are you sure about that?"  We heard all these statements and so much more. Trust me we get it!! We had asked ourselves all the same things. We were so unsure. We were filled with fear. We couldnt see what the future would look like and it was very scary. So if thats where you are today in your situation, Press forward anyway. 

The waiting.

" How much longer?' " What takes so long?" 

Trust me we waited 7 and 1/2 years before we even started the adoption process we wanted to know what took so long as well. Why did we have to wait so long. Why couldnt it come to us easily??

If your waiting on something you want so badly dont give up. When the end seems no where in sight press forward anyway.

Cause one day the fear will wash away, other opinions wont affect you anymore, the waiting will cease, and EVERYTHING WILL ALL MAKE SENSE!

Connors adoption cost $20,000 when it was time for each payment God provided to the penny. From the first piece of paperwork to meeting him face to face was exactly 21 months. It was a long wait, but Gods timing was so perfect. And guess what Down Syndrome isnt scary at all. Seriously its not. 

So If God is calling you to do something that seems oh so impossible...PRESS FORWARD ANYWAY. 

Everything I thought I knew Changed....

   I know what you think about Orphanages, I had always thought the same thing. That they were WAY overcrowded that the children weren't living  in the best conditions, that they didnt really know love.

And while let me say that is probably true about a majority of orphanages and dont get me wrong I am not speaking for all of them, but where Connor was was not like that. 

I remember the day I found out my sweet boy was living in a orphanage up until that point I thought he was still in foster care. I remember how  I sobbed until it literally hurt. I remember how I ached to get to him so I could show him what real love really was. So I could scoop him out of the horrible state he was in and show him what it was like to have a family, to have a home.

Then I arrived at Mothers Choice Orphanage and everything changed.  All those worries and fears were erased and I saw that my son had a family long before his daddy and I arrived. He was taken excellent care of, was given therapy daily, and was living at home, and  that sweet boy that I was so worried about knew love every single day of his life!

I cannot put into words what our time was like in the short week we spent with them at Mothers Choice, but I can tell you that it changed me. That I made lifelong friends and that my opinion of orphanages has changed. Because you should never judge a book by its cover. 

Here are some photos the workers gave to us from Connors time with them. You can see his happiness and you can feel the love. I am eternally grateful for each person who poured their love, time, and patience into my son. Without them I would be raising a entirely different boy today. His birth Mother gave him life, but they helped him live and I only hope that I can continue giving him as beautiful a life as they did. 

Chair that helped him learn to stand 

First time Standing

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Learning to bare his weight on his arms