My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing

I remember dreaming of you. I remember planning for you. I remember thinking about what I thought you might be like. I remember how I ached to hold you, to run my finger through your black hair. I remember imagining what life with you would be like.  I remember the anticipation for you. I remember how I worried about being the mother that you would need me to be. I remember begging God to bring you home. I remember praying for you daily. I remember wondering if you were safe. I remember so many things. But no matter how ready I thought I was,  I can say one thing without a doubt....I wasnt prepared.

I wasnt prepared for how my heart now walks around outside my body. I wasnt prepared for how effortless it would be to love you. I wasnt prepared for how strong I could be. I wasnt prepared for how I would jump into action for you without a second thought.  I wasnt prepared for the doctors and specialist. I wasnt prepared for the fear that soared through my body the day they loaded you onto a ambulance, and yet I wasnt prepared for how brave I was that day . I wasnt prepared to suddenly be strong in the face of so much scary and unknown situations. I wasnt prepared to be a mother. I didnt know what all it meant. I didnt know how incredible it would feel. I wasnt prepared for all that was to come.

No amount of dreaming, planning. thinking can prepare you for your child. Because whatever you imagine cannot compare to looking into the face of your child for the first time. There is no way to explain it to anyone who hasnt experienced it.

And yet I thought I was gonna miss out on all this. I thought that my broken body had deprived me from experiencing this wonderous journey.  I was so wrong.

God had a plan and friends I can say without a doubt that His plans are far better than ours. I saw a doctor once and his exact words were " This will work. I can assure you that you will be pregnant this year." Ya'll those words made my heart quiver. I was elated at the thought. But within a  couple months I heard a still small voice say "no not like this." I didnt understand, but I decided to stand still and let God move. And Oh how He moved.

 

See if I hadnt listened If I had presssed forward on the journey to pregnancy I might have a baby in my arms with my eyes and Jeremys smile, but what about this boy??

 Where would that leave him?? This little face would still be waiting. He would still be without a mama and daddy. He would still be at the orphanage wondering when he would have a home. Wondering when his mama and daddy would come,

I cannot bare the thought of my son being alone, waiting and longing for me. And So I can say without a doubt that I would choose him again a million times.  Because HE may not have my eyes or Jeremys smile, and yet somehow he is just as much our child. He is just as important. He is just as loved, He wasnt plan b. Our family was Gods plan all along and we wouldnt change a single chapter of our story.  

I am so thankful that those doctors words didnt come true, because then I wouldnt have the one who makes my heart complete. If I had gotten pregnant I wouldnt have my child, my son would not be here  and a world without him is not a world I wanna see.  My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing. 

Love came.

   Some of you may not know, but we pursued a child before Connor. We saw his little face studied all his information and we wanted him to be our son. I knew his birthday, his birth weigh, and his likes and dislikes. We answered tons of questions and knew it was between us and another family we just knew we were his family. We were wrong.  The other family was chosen and I grieved. I grieved hard. I was lost. My heart was broken. I was crushed.

But my story wasnt over yet. Because just when I least expected it. Love came.

 

I cant explain to you how I knew but when I looked at this sweet face I knew he was my son. I knew I was meant to be his mother. I knew why the other family had been picked for the previous child. 

And suddenly all those years of struggling for a child. All those negative pregnancy test,. All those tears. All the heartbreak. None of it mattered because my story hadnt been over yet and even though at the time I couldnt see, Love was coming. 

And even though this love is so unconditional and pure, it came with such a struggle and fight,. Adoption is not easy, attachment didnt come easy, but our story is still a incredible love story because out of the ashes came beauty. 

So maybe your struggling. Maybe your fighting a fight and your tired and weary.  Maybe the struggle seems too great. Maybe your ready to throw in the towel and give up. My words to you are dont!   Your stories not over yet . Cling to Jesus, trust His plan, and keep running toward him.

What if we had given up after the first baby. What if we had chose to stop struggling and fighting and said no more. We would have missed out on the greatest love that was coming. Dont miss out on the beauty God has for your ashes. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

He will speak to you if you'll pay attention.

   I wanna clear up a big misconception about Connor. While I would love to say this is about all those with special needs I know I cant because everyone is unique and different, but I can speak for my son.

He understands.  So often I meet folks who assume he doesnt understand. Connor is primarily nonverbal which means he doesnt have meaningful conversations, but wait that doesnt mean he doesnt speak. He speaks with his body language, and gestures. And although to be honest there are times I have no idea what he wants or is trying to say , for the most part I know if I pay attention.

When he stomps in the shower it means he is frustrated and is ready to get out.  When he points toward the coffee table and says " UHH UHH" it means he wants a drink because thats where his drink always sits. When he pats you on the back or leg he is showing affection. If he goes and gets his shoes he wants to go somewhere. If he holds his nose he either already has or is about to poop. If he gets in your lap and folds his arms under himself he is cold. If he signs more he is hungry ( He knows the eat sign but most often just signs more.)  If he goes in the bathroom and points to the sink he wants to brush his teeth. If he folds his hands he wants to pray. If he does the hand motions to songs he wants you to sing to him. If he points at the remote he wants to watch mickey ( he will settle for any cartoon, but he always wants mickey.) If he pats a seat he is asking if he can sit there. If he reaches for you with one arm while sitting he is asking if he can get up. If he takes you to the refrigerator he wants apple juice or milk.

If you ask him if he is hungry he will go to the pantry. He puts his clothes in the laundry basket. He will bring you a diaper when he wants changed. He knows to shake his head yes,but pretty much always shakes his head no or answers "uhh uhh" to everything even if he means yes.  He can follow any basic command although he is like any other toddler and doesnt always like to listen or  follow commands.

Although Connor has said a handful of words his only constant word is "Mama." He knows im mama, but most often he is just saying it because he can say it and is not necessarily referring to or wanting me.

So yes Connor is primarily nonverbal however he can speak volumes if you take the time to pay attention and he understands. Dont underestimate his ability based on the words he can use.  He can tell you so much if youll only pay close attention.

He is smart, attentive. and comprehensive and he will speak to you if youll take the time to let him. 

If were honest.

I get overwhelmed, I get stressed, I break down. Because life is hard. Being a mom is hard. Juggling everything is hard. Its overwhelming and somedays seem too difficult to handle. Especially when you must do it all over again tomorrow.

And guess what??  Its ok to feel this way. Its ok to be overwhelmed. To wonder if you'll ever not be tired, Or if you will ever be able to sit down and eat while your food is still hot, to finish your meal without having to sharing with your toddler who just ate, or to have one meal uninterrupted. Its perfectly fine to feel overwhelmed and to let those tears fall because being a mom is tough and its neverending. The diapers, the laundry, the feedings, the meltdowns, the boo boos, not to mention when sickness hits. 

All too often I feel us Mamas feel like we shouldnt vent or complain. Sometimes its because we waited so long and wanted our child so badly. Sometimes its because we feel guilty because we absolutely love being a mom. Sometimes its because our baby was a surprise and if we vent maybe someone will think we wish we hadnt been blessed with this surprise. Sometimes its because we know so many who are desperately trying to have a family to no avail. Sometimes its because we have a friend with more kids than us and they seem to have it all together. Most of all were just worried how we will be viewed. 

Heres my experience.

My child was prayed for, wished for, begged for, sobbed for, for 7 long years. We then spent 21 months after the 7 long years on our adoption journey to bring our child home. We worked tirelessly on paperwork. We prayed, wished, begged, sobbed every step of the way. I love him more than I could ever even explain. There are no words that could adequately expressed what I would do for this tiny boy. There no limit to how far I would go to keep him safe and his needs met. All I ever wanted in this life was to be a mother and my life now is my dream come true. It didnt happen the way I expected, but my son is the best thing that ever happen to me and he made me a mother in the most perfect way. 

But guess what

Sometimes I need to vent. Sometimes I need to complain. Sometimes im so unbelieveably stressed. Sometimes I wonder how im gonna wake up and do it all again the next day. Sometimes I breakdown. Somedays I just cry. Somedays I feel so exhausted and wonder if I will ever get fully rested again. Somedays Im so busy and I think about the life before where I did what I wanted and when I wanted, ya know where  spontaneous was actually doable and my days werent strategically planned.  

However I love my kid. All day everyday. Even the days I wanna scream. Even the days I feel I cant go another step. Even the days I feel so overwhelmed. Even the days I have a good cry. Even the days I feel lost.  

Most people assume to feel this way your depressed. However im not. Im a mother. And if were honest we all have these feeling and we all have those days. But all to often we wont admit it. Because we know someone will assume we dont love our child. Maybe they'll assume we would make a different choose if we had it to do over again. The bottom line is its perfectly normal to have those days. To feel these things. It makes us no less of mothers. It changes nothing about how we feel about our child. 

Being a special needs mom is extremely hard, and often I feel I cant vent for fear of hearing those dreaded words " well she chose this". And guess what you bet I chose this. And id choose this again a million times. But I still struggle. I still stress. I still cry.  And no amount of reminding myself how incredibly blessed and lucky I am will change that. Because im a human. So all these feeling, dont make me a bad person. They dont make me a bad mother, they make me one thing. they make me normal. 

And if you feel this way then your normal too. Find yourself someone you can trust and vent away. We need to be able to express ourselves. We need to be able to be honest.  Keep pressing on. Keep loving your child. Keep being the best you can. Keep moming on. And dont worry about what others think. Cause even on those hard days your completely normal and your feelings are valid and theres a world full of mamas feeling the exact same things, although most wont admit it.  

Those overwhelming days, dont make you less of a mama they just make you a typical mama doing her best day after day to raise kind human beings. Its the toughest job you will ever have, the most worth while thing you'll ever do so of course its exhausting and overwhelming, but that dont mean you dont love the incredible ride. 

So this post is to you Mamas. keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep raising those increidible human beings, and even on those excruciatingly hard days NEVER GIVE UP. 

My promise

With May being National Foster Care  month I have thought a lot about Connors foster mother              ( Connor was in foster care the first 5 months of his life before being moved to the orphanage.). We had the privilege of meeting her while in Hong Kong when She attended Connors farewell party. Not only did she attend, but when asked if anyone had anything they would like to say to us or Connor she stepped forward. It didn't matter to her that she needed a interpreter. I'll never forget her words.  "I prayed for this day for so long. The day that "Tim Tim" would have a family. " I don't remember much else due to my sobs masking out the interpreters voice ( thankfully we have it on video.)  You see we prayed for so long for a family and when God answered our prayers and sent us our precious Connor we were beyond thrilled for OUR answered prayer it wasn't until I heard my sons foster mothers words that I realized in their eyes "WE" were the answered prayer.  It's a overwhelming feeling to know that this child that they loved and looked after  for three years whom they  were deeply and completely attached to and yet they still prayed that his family would come. Something that they knew would bring them deep pain and hurt and yet they loved him enough to pray for it anyway.

  I remember the day we left with Connor. I watched the grieving start and I felt my heart break and even felt guilty. I watched as workers sobbed . Some doubled over as they wept loudly. I watched them get one last hug, kiss, and wave. I watched some of them come back two or three times to touch him once more. I remember the last person I hugged that day. Someone who was one of the closest to my guy, and when I wrapped my arms around her sobbing body I whispered in her ear and made a promise.  As she heard those words she clung tighter to me and I knew she was clinging and trusting in my promise so she could let this baby go.  I know she already believed those words after meeting us, but somehow in that moment I felt she need to hear them out loud and so I whispered through my own tears . 

"I'm gonna take really good care of him."