All because I am his mother

As a first time parent I often forget that my child is any different. I don't always see the challenges as clearly as others may from the outside looking in. Today my mom told me that her tax lady ask about us and our adoption (she remembered from last year) of course mom was happy to share that our little guy is home at last!!! She also shared that He has Down Syndrome as well as many other special things about our little sweetie. At that point the lady stopped what she was doing and said wow it takes a very special person to raise a child with special needs. I shrugged it off as always. I said something about it not being a big deal and how I sometimes forget he is different, my mom said it is a big deal.
As I pondered this hours later I realized she is right. Connor is incredible and I wouldn't change one single thing about him, I wouldnt take that third copy of his 21st chromosome away for anything in this world.  I love those almond shaped eyes and that pink tongue that spends most of its time peaking out. I love that the future is unknown and we get to walk through this together as a family and simply take each day as it comes. I love how everyone is intrigued and drawn to him and how he fills everyone he meets with such joy. I love him and everything that comes with him. Sometimes I don't realize that it comes with a little extra, sometimes its tough, there are struggles. That thearpy and  IEP meetings are everyday language to us now. We forget that we are traveling a road less walked, that not only have we adopted a child, but we chose a child a little different, we chose a alternate road willingly.
So thank you to those who say it's takes a special person. Thank you for the flattering compliment.  I truly appreciate that others see what I don't always see, the struggle, the tough times, the hard and think that I have it all together, think that I'm doing a good job. However let me say that I didn't adopt Connor because Im  a special person, however CONNOR HAS MADE ME A SPECIAL PERSON. He has made this tiny spark in me become a blazing fire. He has made me more considerate, compassionate, and understanding. I am far more confident, caring, and approachable. He has made me who I have always been meant to be, without my son, without that extra chromosome I don't know if I would have ever reach my full potential. I am a stronger woman, I am a better wife, I am a more caring daughter, and  I am a kinder friend all because I am his mother. 

I hadnt planned or prepared for that...

Our adoption journey from start to bringing Connor home was 21 months long, trust me we had tons of time to plan and prepare for him.   His room was perfect, we had everything we needed, we had deep love for him, the highchair was in place the carseat strapped  in tightly, we were prepared and yet we weren't prepared at all.

I didn't plan to be so deep in love that it could bring me to tears out of no where, I wasn't prepared for how I would miss him so deeply when he wasnt with me. I  wasn't prepared for how much hurt and emotion would fill me the day I watched doctors hold my sweet boy down to do a medical test. Hearing his cries and seeing those tiny arms reach for me was something my heart was far from prepared for. I hadn't planned to barely get his name out when I pray without sobbing and thanking God for this precious boy.  I wasn't prepared for how proud I would be over the smallest things. I planned to be loving and fun yet stern and grounded I wasn't prepared for those sweet innocent eyes or that delightful giggle that turn me to absolute mush. The goofy grin or the random hugs. Even after 21 months I wasn't prepared for this incredible little guy God has blessed me with. I hadn't planned on my complete identity changing. I'm not who I was because Connor makes me a better person, I hadn't planned or prepared for that.

Memory lane....

  I cannot fathom that in 3 short days my little man will be home for 2 months!! I cannot even put into words all the ways he has changed in just 8 short weeks. So many memories feel like yesterday and yet at the same time seem ages ago.....

       I remember asking my momma to go to lunch with me because I had huge news!! She had no idea and after some chitchat I said well I didnt just ask you to lunch to eat I have something to tell you, I then slid a picture across the table. She lifted it up and studied it closely while a huge smile spread across her face. I remember saying " I think this might be him, this might be Connor".

Then there was KiKi who  saw the picture and cried uncontrollably in Zaxbys!! :)

I remember showing the picture to Christy and Derek and sobbing while they prayed with us for this beautiful baby in the picture.

I remember Grammie  having your picture up in her kitchen what seemed like the very next day!

I could go on and on with all the joyful memories!



I remember announcing to our leadership team at church that we were adopting. We were in  Christy and Dereks ( our pastor and his wife) kitchen and it so happened that it was all the leadership team together which rarely happens and we knew it was the right moment. So much excitement filled the air with our news, but what ill never forget is Derek having to leave the room because he was crying. That moment was so powerful for me because we had family whose reaction was less than thrilled, but our pastor was over the moon because he knew what this meant not only for us, but for a orphan. Ill never forget that,

I remember laying in bed going over and over baby names. Connor was  the only name we ever agreed on. My pick was Collin and I cant remember Jeremys but it was probably Bruce Wayne! haha

I remember keeping his name a secret for 6 months!!! It was so much fun to let everyone guess and have a big reveal with our family.

I remember the day we were matched and how I found out at work!!! I was to shocked to even cry!!!

I remember arriving in Hong Kong and the butterflies knowing you were only minutes away from me and yet I had to wait another day until  I could meet you.

I remember walking in the orphanage and having to force myself to walk and not go running into the building.

I remember entering the room and seeing you! Your caregiver handed you to me and you cried and reach for her and I quickly handed you back all while having to think breathe Stephanie breathe because I felt like I couldnt.

I remember sending everyone a million snaps on snapchat of you and sending emails like a mad woman.

I remember walking into the knoxville airport and being overwhelmed at the crowd of friends and family who came to welcome you home/

So many precious memories that I will cherish forever.


My sweet boy....

I see so much growth in you in these 8 weeks.

No more sadness in those eyes. Those eyes laugh and dance constantly. You look healthier and have gained two pounds! You LOVE school and now wave bye to Mama when its time to be dropped off.
You are reaching for and letting others hold you and are so much more comfortable when we go places. You have relaxed so much and now realize you are safe.


Im continually amazed at your growth and bravery. Your life has done a complete 180 and you have taken it in stride. You go with the flow and are such a good boy.

I love you Connor Thaddeus and I'm so thankful that God gave us you!!!!

You do your best.

Hello Its me....

 Sorry its been so long but it has been a busy month!!! Doctors appointments, preschool, meeting family and friends. Its been a whirlwind but I think we are finally caught up where we can breathe and just in time since we return to work soon!!!

  Connor is now up to date on his shots. He got two shots and didnt cry long. Connor had a echo cardiogram to check his heart. All is well!!!! It is such a relief to know that his little heart is working properly and besides a little fluid that we have to watch everything is ok. Connor also had blood work  done to make sure his thyroid is functioning properly.(It is functioning perfectly.) This is where it got rough :( The first stick they couldnt find a vein and by the time they realized they would have to switch to the other arm he was distraught. He cried the hardest I have ever seen him and kept trying to reach for Daddy and I. Daddy was so strong and helped the doctors hold him down ( yes doctors they had to call in back up to help hold him down.) I always thought it was crazy when moms cried over things like this. Now I get it! I stood looking out the door so Connor wouldnt see the tears fall.

If only i knew then that my tears had only begun. Connor started preschool last week and his first day went awesome.

Daddy and I took him and he went right in and we snuck out of the room. When we arrived to pick him up we were greeted with the biggest smile ever!!! It was perfect.  The second day I took Connor and it was clear that he had figured things out. He sobbed and clung to me and they had to pry him off of me. I barely made it out the door before I began sobbing. All I could think is how he has been through so much the last 7 weeks and change keeps coming. He doesnt understand why mommy and daddy who have always been there keeping him safe are dropping him off with people he dont know. His teacher is awesome, his school is awesome, but somehow that first week I felt like a trader when I let them take him from me and left him crying each day. 

Of course picking him up is AMAZING!!! He gets the biggest smile ever and runs to me ( or Daddy) he wraps those tiny arms around us and then immediately begins waving and blowing kisses to his teacher. Its the highlight of my day and is just the absolute BEST!!!

Today is week two of preschool and Connor wouldnt walk and began clinging to me the moment I got him out of the car. Once we entered the door the crying started. I passed him off to his teacher, signed him in, and hurried out the door. Was it difficult?? ABSOLUTELY!! However since last week Mama got a little bit stronger. I didnt cry while heading out the door or on my way home because I knew he was fine. Do I worry?? Um yeah every second that he is not in my sight.  However I know that school and therapy is going to help him learn and grow and provide so many more opportunities for his future. 

Do I want to go back to work in a few weeks?? Of course not, but I need Connor to have all his needs met and that means his Daddy and I have to work very hard. Connor deserves the best we can give him. Would it be awesome to be a stay at home mom, sure but it would mean barely making it paycheck to paycheck. It would mean no extra, no cushion room for when he gets sick or needs another test run. 

In the end me working is me making a sacrifice so that He never has too.

Life as a parent is incredible, but it comes with lots of struggles and making hard decisions. We are making them and pressing forward and doing our best.  Cause thats what you do as a parent, you do your best.