10 things I never expected when I adopted my son

1. Others to LOVE him so much!

 Obviously we loved our little guy long before we brought him home. Our family fell in love the moment they saw him. However what I didnt expect was all the others who fell in love with him. Friends, coworkers, doctors, etc etc etc. It is a wonderful feeling to see the joy that this sweet fellow brings others.

2. To fall in love with his caregivers!

   When I met all the wonderful people who poured their time and love into my son it was a incredible feeling. Not only did I come to love them all in the short amount of time we spent in country, but I feel connected to them in a way unimaginable. I have made lifelong friends and was so sad to say goodbye to them.

3. To fall in love with my little ones home.

 I knew going to another country would be amazing and a incredible experience. What I never expected was to fall in love with his counrty ( in our case HONG KONG.) Some days I ache to go back. I miss it in a way I cannot explain.

4. To connect so deeply to the other children.

 I was aware that I would be around the other children in the orphanage when we went to meet and bring our son home. What came as a surprise to me was how deeply each child would affect me in such a different way. Each child has a special place in my heart and since leaving I have been able to connect with two families who will be adopting two of the precious boys I met and were our guys buddies. #notorphansanymore ! :)

5. To feel like strangers.

I obviously knew we were strangers. We didnt know our child and he didnt know us. I didnt expect to feel like such strangers the first few days while we got to know our new little one. And yet within a few weeks it was like we had all known each other forever. 

6. To be so afraid.

  I never expected to be so fearful. I knew about children. I knew how to care for them. Yet I was so afraid. I never expected to be afraid to be alone with my child. I felt extremely fearful the day we left the orphanage with our son. I was so afraid I was doing things wrong.  

7. To forget infertility!

 I knew our guy would feel the void this ugly thing called infertility has left in my heart. I thought it would always be there peaking its head out at the most horrible times. I didnt know it would be possible to forget such a awful thing or time in my life.  From the moment I held him in my arms all the pain from yesterday washed away and I have never looked back.

8. To feel guilty!

I never ever expected to feel guilty for taking my son from his previous life. However when I watched him sob the day we returned to the hotel room after leaving the orphanage I felt such guilt and grief for knowing I was the one who cause this beautiful boy to feel such pain. 

9. To have to work so hard at attachment!

My guy was not a fan of mommy at first. It was probably one of the worst feeling in the world and it caused actual physical  pain. Luckily in our case it didnt last long and I finally won him over. However I never expected to have to work so hard at attachment. To have it be a constant feeling of am I over doing it or should I try harder. Attachment was tough and alot of work.

10.  To want more!

I have always said I want more than one child. Yet I never expected to be so ready to jump right back on this long, exhausting, and sometimes painful journey of adoption. However I would start the process today if it were up to me. However I whole heartedly believe it must be a calling from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So right now we are standing still and letting God move. Stay tuned. ;)

When people stare.....

   Since Connor is my first child I often forget that he is different. I dont always recognize that some of our struggles are not things all parents are dealing with. I love who he is dont get me wrong. I embrace his Down Syndrome whole heartedly because I dont want my little guy to be any different because I assure you he is so completely perfect, third chromosome and all.

   Sometimes you are smacked in the face with reminders, like when people stare. Often I think its because he is so stinking cute ( I can prove that in two more months when I can FINALLY share photos). However I am not oblivious and know that some stares are because they see those tiny almond shaped eyes and that little tongue protruding, and its ok. I dont mind that you stare because you look at my son and see Down syndrome.  But let me tell you he is so much more. He is smart, and playful. And although at three years old he doesnt talk and is just learning to chew and eat solid food I assure you he can be loud and eat like a horse. He is clever and witty. He is so joyful and yet is every other emotion you can think of. He can be a big teddy bear and yet be just a bear, a super grumpy bear :0.  He is heavy and yet only weighs a whopping 24 pounds.  So when people stare I dont worry. Whether its because he is cute or because he has a extra 21st chromosome it doesnt matter. Im not the least insecure because this tiny angel is exactly what our family needed.

I never knew we could laugh so hard, or be so content. I never knew that those tiny victories would be so rewarding because they were huge mountains that we climbed together. I never knew that the unknown of the future could be so exciting. Who will he be?? What will he be like?? All typical questions for new moms yet with more unknowns for us. Thats ok because those unknowns make life exciting, and oh our life is now so exciting.

So when people stare although its not always the case, ok its probably never the case, but I tell myself its because they can see how incredible he is. They want to know him, because his laughter and joy are contagious.  They are curious at how we knew that He was the one. How we chose this alternate path, were we afraid? Did we worry? Do we still worry?  Do we struggle? Is life hard?

The answer is YES YES and YES. Of course we were afraid. First time parents to a child we barely knew. Yes we worried. Were we doing things right. We will always worry. Did I love him enough today? Am I a good parent? We will always struggle because were human beings. We all have struggles and life is hard for all of us from time to time.  However we have been given the incredible gift of raising a child that the world may stare at. We have been given the task of raising a child that wont hit all the milestones at typical times. We have the wonderful opportunity to educate and show the world that Down syndrome is not scary. To shout from the rooftops that we wouldnt change a thing. To tell everyone that our guy is absolutely perfect although not by everyones standards. To express that sometimes life throws you a curveball. Sometimes you wake up on a journey you never ever expected, but you love your alternate route.

Thats why it doesnt bother me when people stare. They are staring at a answered prayer. They are staring at a perfect blessing. They are staring at my son and thats ok cause he is so so stare worthy. So keep watching. Watch us beat the odds, watch us hit those milestones at our own pace. Watch us struggle. Watch us hurt. Watch us experience the utter joy and bliss we have more and more each day. Watch our bright future unfold. Watch us because we dont mind. We welcome you along.

A story of Gods grace

There I sat locked in the hotel bathroom sobbing. I text, emailed, twitted, and facebooked begging for prayers. I knew this could happen, I had read all the books about attachment. I knew that often a child attaches to one parent and rejects the other, but you never think it will be you. Connor would cry if I held him, wouldn't touch anything I did, if I even heated his food and gave to Jeremy to feed him he wouldn't touch it. I was crushed. I was deflated. I was broken. I collected myself, wiped the tears away and tried to survive. Meanwhile though half a world away my family and friends had begun to call upon the Master on my behalf. Connor woke from a nap and I scooped him up out of the crib I rocked and swayed in front of our hotel window overlooking Hong Kong I sang. I just held him and prayed with every breath and somehow in that moment things changed. I can pretend that he just accepted me so quickly from Pure luck, but I know that's not the case. A sense if peace fell over him that came so quickly only a mighty God could have sent it. From that moment on he accepted my love. Something changed in that moment because of the power of prayer and a Gods great grace.
Four months later and people can hardly believe it when I tell our story. They cannot fathom after seeing us together that He once didn't accept me, but that's such a important part of our story. It doesn't start out as a pretty part, but out of the ashes came beauty.  Its a story of the power of prayer and a God who never forsakes us. A God who finishes the work he starts. A God who is all Mighty, all powerful and yet still answers the prayers of a ordinary person like me.

Taken at the airport when we brought Connor home.

Prayers, finalization, and one joyful little boy.

Hey guys just a little update to let you know everything is going great!

I celebrated my first Mothers Day with so many cards and well wishes.

Connor loved the card he and daddy got mama. He carried it around all day, I finally had to put it up because I wanna keep it. He was super proud of it. 

Everyday we see more and more of this sweet guys personality and it has been incredible to see him go from shy and timid around others to being open and loving with his family and close friends. 

It feels like he has been with us forever and yet I cannot fathom that next week He has been home 4 whole months!! Time sure flies and he is growing and learning so much everyday. 

The adoption process and the wait were excruciatingly hard, but we would do it all over again a million times to know this incredibly joy we now feel.

Its hard to comprehend that there was ever a time we didnt know or love this little boy. He is the most beautiful, smart, joyful little boy and we love him so much. We are thrilled that God led us to him and allowed us to make him our child.

We cannot finalize the adoption until Connor has been here for 6 months ( July 16.) We are currently working with our agency to update our home study so that we have all paperwork inline to be ready when the time comes. Please continue to pray for us as we move forward and try to get everything in place, (it sure is a little more difficult to do this in a  timely manner with a rambunctious toddler! haha.)

We are anxiously awaiting to hear our guy declared Connor Thaddeus Malone here and forevermore!!!!

Thank you for the prayers, kind words, and financial support through this whole journey. It has been a indescribable feeling to see just how much joy Connor brings not just us ,but everyone else. I have no doubt that is one of my sweet boys gifts that God will use for His kingdom.  I cannot wait to see what God has in store for the future and am so proud to be Connors Mama.

The reason I celebrate....

  Last year at this time I was in a season of uncertainty. We were waiting to be matched with this beautiful little boy, and even though I felt God telling me "This is him, This is your son." The enemy kept whispering  "are you sure?" I was so many emotions and for those 23 weeks of waiting to find out if we would be allowed to adopt "Thaddeus" I was anxious. I was uncertain. I was afraid. I was overwhelmed. I was hopeful. I was exhausted. I was mad. I was sad. I was excited.  In all the emotions I knew my God was faithful no matter the outcome.

One year later and Connor Thaddeus is home and thriving. He is so much more beautiful than his photos did justice. He has such a way about him that makes everyone feel happy. However my favorite thing about him is he is always so JOYFUL.

He is so incredible and he is the reason I celebrate.  I celebrate today this beautiful and at times rambunctious boy who has made me the happiest Mother.

He feels me with so much joy and pride. He changed me in so many ways and today I celebrate the woman he has made me become. I celebrate being a mother.

Happy Mothers Day to another important woman in my sons life. To the lady who gave me the gift of motherhood, The one who showed such selfless love and great sacrifice. You will never know all that you have given to me. You will never know just how deeply loved your boy is. Happy Mothers Day to my sons biological mother!!! 

Mothers advice from a new mama

In a crowded airport in Japan with my brand new son I sat as others rushed past hurrying to catch their flights. I was feeding Connor, Jeremy was in the bathroom and I was trying to get Connor feed before our next 11 hour flight. I was tired, I was anxious, I was a little overwhelmed.  All the world was right, and thats when it happened Connor started to choke. Anyone who knows me knows I have a chocking phobia anyway so I am that crazy overly cautious person who gives ridiculously tiny bites, Connor also has some swallowing issues which makes me super cautious as well. I hit him on the back a few times to no avail. Thats when I began to panic a little. The next thing I knew I had him in my arms threw over one arm smacking him on the back and finally the food came up and he was fine. I held him cradled in my arms with one hand on the back of his head rocking as he cried a little. Besides being afraid he was fine. Thats the moment I realized I can do this. Was it tough?? Umm YES! it was terrifying!!! I wanted to find someone to help, but I am his Mom and it was my job to step up and do what needed to be done. Was I afraid?? You better believe it!! But I did what needed to be done. Did I need help? Technically no, but it would have been nice had one out of  the 50 people near me at least asked if he was ok afterwards.
Thats when it sunk in sometimes your on your own. Others can see your battle, but they dont step in because their watching to see if you have what it takes to handle it.  When your a mother, your watched constantly. Some want to see you fail, Some want to see you rise to the occasion.

Im not trying to brag on myself, honestly It was probably my fault Was I feeding him too fast?  Did I mess up? Could I have prevented the whole event?? As a mom you will wonder these things often. You will always wonder if you are messing up. You will over analyze things. You will stress. You will worry.

So to all the Mamas out there here is my advice to you.  Do your best. Know that its ok to struggle, its ok to be overwhelmed and it does not define you as a mother. It does not change your love for your little one. It doesnt change how much you love being a mother to  feel and admit you feel these things.

Hard times will come and even if you have tons of friends and family to support you, sometimes you might be alone in a crowded airport and everything falls on your shoulders. So rise to the occasion and do your best.

Dont worry about what others think or will say. Just love your child so fiercely that you think you have nothing left to give and the next day I promise you will find yourself there doing it all over again. Its ok to not have all the answers, its ok to wonder if you are doing things right.

Find support! Never ever feel you have to do things alone. After our scary moment in the airport the minute Jeremy arrive back to my side I sobbed that Connor had just choke and handed him to Jeremy. He didnt need to do anything, or even say anything but I needed to talk, I needed to tell him. Find someone you can talk to. I promise you have family or friends who are willing to lend a ear or give you a break. Dont feel bad for needing that break, its not a break from being a mother, its just a minute to regroup and catch your breath.

And last but certainly not least my biggest piece of advice is Give it to the LORD. He entrusted you to raise a human being so lean on  Him, your biggest fan. Let Him direct your paths. He knows what the future holds and he wants to be there. So allow Him to be. Pray and seek Him everyday! He is faithful and has your best interest at heart. Ask Him to help you to be a better Mother and He will.

 Keep God number one, enjoy every moment , and love your child with all you have.  Your doing a fantastic job and dont let anyone tell you any different,.

Happy Mothers Day from one tired, overwhelmed, stressed and yet overjoyed, content, and super blessed Mama to Another!!!!