He made me grow up

Dear Connor Malone.....You made me grow up.


I think about this all the time and I cannot even begin to tell you the way a tiny 22 pound toddler has changed my life and I have yet to meet him in person. Even though he is not here yet every decision I make I have him in the back of my mind. Will this benefit him??Does this affect him??  And thats just decisions that have nothing to do with him, imagine all the ones that do!! Childcare? School? therapy? Whos the best? Where is the best? When should he start? You have no idea the tailspin my mind is constantly in. And its all because I want the absolute best for him. Its because my unconditional love for a baby I have yet to hold in my arms. Isn't our God amazing?! That He can place a longing in our hearts and soon we realize we have been called to do something ( in our case adopt). Then the search begins for our baby and He leads us to the agency then to the Country then the next thing you know your staring at his picture and you just know its him. Its the one your heart is longing for. I feel incredibly grateful that the maker of the universe is entrusting us with this tiny soul.
And oh I cannot even count the ways that God has used this journey to change me, but I can say I am not the same woman who started this journey. I am a better wife, daughter, friend, and woman than I was 18 months ago when we began this journey, and I am almost certain that I am a better mother than I would have been.

I care about someone else way more than myself. Its about his needs first. I feel honored to be Connor Malones mother and I am thankful that He made me grow up.

He led us.....

 Lets just address the elephant in the room.....Why oh why did we adopt internationally??   Why would we choose a child with special needs??  Why choose a toddler? Didnt we want a baby??

Trust me I have heard it all to my face, behind my back, to my family, you name it.

The truth is I too always envisioned this tiny baby with my eyes and jeremys wild hair. However life rarely goes as we plan and although I never felt my son kick my insides or cause me to be sick in the morning, he is still just as much my son.

I dont want to be one of those lovey dovey foofy foo people, but I can say in all honesty when I saw a photo of my son I wept. I cannot explain to you the emotions I felt, but I can say I knew he was mine. I can say I knew I loved him. I had no doubts.

I never once looked into his dark brown eyes and thought "oh but their  not blue like mine". I never once looked at the hair spilling past his tiny ears and thought " oh man I wish he had our curly hair"   I  never once wished he looked like us. I never once wanted to change those tiny Down syndrome features I saw peaking back at me. I never once wanted him to be any different. From that first glance I was amazed at who He was and all I wanted was to have him in my life forever, to have him as my son.

We chose to follow God in April 2014 on a journey to grow our family through adoption. We followed Him to international adoption, even though not everyone agreed. We followed Him to a special needs only program, even though we were afraid even though we felt completely unready. We followed him to a toddler and not a newborn baby. We followed HIM and you know where He led us. He led us to a beautiful baby who was waiting for a family to love him unconditionally . He led us to a diagnosis we said no to in the beginning and He assured us that He doesnt call the equipped, but He does equip the called. He  showed us that we only needed to keep our eyes on Him and not focus on what others opinions are even if they are family members whom we love very much. He taught us that sometimes our journey is not the easy one or the one most often walked, but He walked along with us each step of the way. We kept our eyes on Him and He led the way and whether everyone agreed or understood we continued to press forward and believe Gods promises, and He led us, He led us directly to our son.

Our little love turns three!

Hello Little Love!!

           Today you turn three!!!! Its hard to believe that three years ago was just another day yet across the world you were drawing your first breath!  Our God is truly amazing and we are so thankful that although we aren't celebrating with you today, that you are celebrating with a foster family who loves you very much. Today I rejoice in knowing this is our last birthday apart and yet my heart breaks that this will be your last birthday with the first family you ever knew. Whether there was balloons, cake, and presents or if it was just a normal day of playing I hope that it was a good day. I hope that it was filled with memories that you may never remember, but memories they will never forget.


 Know that no matter what your day held we hope it was filled with your happiness and that you felt lots of love and know that far far away our family celebrated the gift of you!!

I am breathless....

  Tomorrow my little love turns three!!! My heart literally aches to know all the milestones I have missed in these first three years of his life. Tomorrow I could focus on that. I could wallow in self pity all day and that would be understandable. However because of Gods amazing plan to grow our family through international adoption I rejoice because I have this little guys future. So instead of being sad I will choose to be happy and know that next year I will celebrate with Connor.  I will smile because its my sons third birthday and yet a year ago I didnt know him. That is the power of adoption. The wonder and awe of it all. This is the awesomeness of a God who keeps his promises. It may not be when or how you think but it will be better than your wildest dreams. It will leave you breathless, today I am breathless... I have a son and He is turning three, God turned my ashes into beauty.

I almost missed out on my son....

     I  was almost robbed  of a MAJOR blessing....Ever had a case of the I cants?? If you said no then you just lied because we all have. I cant do this and I cant do that. When I think back on our adoption journey I am humbled and blown away at how I have grown in my walk with Christ. I have no doubt He has used this experience to change me. If you havent read my post about God moving our hearts toward Hong Kong then click here and even then we were holding onto the fear and I cants, but our hearts changed more and more click here to read all about it. In the beginning we filled out what we were open to as far as needs and diagnosis and all I can do is look back at that first form and shake my head. Oh how we had little faith in ourselves. We convinced ourselves we couldnt handle almost every need on the list. Looking back I have no doubt it was all the devil trying to destroy Gods plan. However we got on our knees and cried out to God to show us how He wanted us to fill out the form and oh how things began to change in our hearts.

            You may have read about our sweet boy, (click here to read), the reason I had looked at his picture and it had never clicked that He was my child was because we werent open to his diagnosis.
Oh how the devil smiled when we marked no next to Down syndrome, he thought he had won. Im glad that God spoke to me one sunday during  worship at church, He used a song we had sang tons of times, but that day I really heard it.

 As I sang these words He spoke to me, I had been struggling for weeks and I knew deep down that I was meant to be a mother to a child I felt unready for, I was meant for a journey I thought I couldnt handle or wouldnt be good at. I knew that "walking upon the waters wherever you would call me" meant saying yes to a child I had already made up my mind and said no to. Thats why I had looked at his picture and prayed he would find a family who would love him unconditionally and all along God knew we were that family, but He couldnt make us see. It scares me to think that I was almost robbed of one of the biggest blessings of my life because of fear and I cants. I almost didnt know the joy of motherhood because I wouldnt "trust without borders".

I almost missed out on my son.


Are you letting the I cants and fear rob you of a blessing God has for you?? Walk upon the waters where God is leading you today. Dont waste another minute letting the devil win. Dont be robbed of what could possibly be one of the greatest blessings God has for you.

Connors real Mother

I know everyone has questions about Connors real mother so here is what I know about her....

She is not perfect, she has a past she is not proud of, but she has a King who has wiped her slate clean,

She loves her family and friends and She is head over heels in love with her son.

She wants nothing but the best for him and would give him the world if she could afford it.

She is kind and tries to see the good in everyone.

She makes mistakes and tries to recognize that others make mistakes too so she strives to forgive others, however it is a struggle for her.

She  is married and has a happy marriage. Her husband is everything to her.

She believes in the power of prayer and knows her son is a blessing. 

She is told she has alot of strength although she cant see it.

She works daily to provide for her family.

She is passionate, caring, and strives to be approachable to those around her.

She never dreamed she would have a child with Down syndrome but she is so grateful for the gift she has been given.

She is so many things rolled into one.

 She is me.....

I am Connors real mother.

I needed to know him.....

 I read an article by Sandra Bullock this week about being a adoptive mom and about her son. Who knew words from a famous mother would touch my heart and ring so true in my life.

"I needed to know HIM. I needed to be HIS mother." 

Oh how true those words are for me. When I started this adoption journey I knew God knew our child.He had a specific child for us. It wasn't some luck of the draw thing. It was about this one certain child. Of course the hard part was finding that child. The more we grew in our faith and the more we put our trust in God , the more He revealed to us. Until boom one day were looking at a picture that in our eyes was the most beautiful baby in the world. Everything else faded away, Other peoples opinions. how hard the future may be, finances, none of it mattered anymore. Because He was ours and we needed to know him. We needed to be his parents. It wasn't about a child anymore it was about him. 

So many have told us how lucky our son will be, but I  feel certain its the other way around.

Im not sure Connor will ever know what we went through to find him, the struggle of paperwork to bring him home  or the  finances involved, the emotional roller coaster  we rode,  or the constant questions we were asked. He may never comprehend any of it, and thats ok. If he understands nothing else I want him to know that he is loved. I want him to know it didnt begin with us. I want him to know he was loved by his biological mother with a love so strong that she made the hardest decision of her life and showed the most selfless love when she realized someone else could give him a brighter future. I want him to know He had an amazing foster family who cared for him long before we knew him. I want him to know his story is not a tragedy, but a love story from start to finish. I want him to know that I cried out for 7 years  for God to send us a family and unknown to me I was crying out for him all that time. I want him to know that we needed to know him.  I want him to know He is greater than I could have ever imagined, He is more than I ever thought I deserved, and that His Daddy and I are certainly the lucky ones.

You can read Sandra's words below

"I’m tired of hearing from everyone that he is not my child, that he is not my blood. That I am a so called "Adoptive Mother”. 
I am a Mother. I need no other label or prefix.
I know I’ve adopted him and I am proud of it. He may not have my eyes, he may not have my smile, he may not have my skin tone, but he has all my heart.A mother is a person who raises, loves and provides for the child. It doesn’t matter if you share the same blood or not.
I hold my son in my arms and thank God for bringing him to me. If the standard route for creating a family had worked for me, I wouldn't have met this child. I needed to know him. I needed to be his mother. I know now why all those events happened. Or didn't happen. So I could meet this little boy. He is, in every way, my son.
I enjoy Motherhood now. If all of a sudden someone said, ‘You have five more kids,’ I’d be totally OK with it.
So guys Share this if you love your Children who are very lucky to have you and to have a beautiful home. Lets hope that Everybody reads this especially those who consider adoption as a taboo and are against it. It’s perfectly fine to adopt. It is a gift of Life. The desire of your heart can give a child a home."                        -Sandra Bullock

Gift of God....

 Every couple talks about baby names, I am almost certain that even folks who dont really want kids do this. Its crazy how life changes things. The names we loved most are names we never even considered when it was actually time to pick a name.

        We chose Connor very early in our adoption journey ( once we knew God was calling us to adopt a boy.) However we kept his name a secret just between the two of us for almost 6 months!!! I must say it was so much fun having a secret just between the two of us. We called him Baby C for so long, we chose to reveal his name in November (2014) as everyone was doing the I'm thankful for status on facebook, I posted four words that made him Baby C no more ......

And so the world knew that we would name our first son Connor. We wanted to wait and keep his name as his middle name. So we waited to be matched with a baby most of you know how our story goes ( You can click here to read it.) When we first saw our son on the waiting list his name was Thaddeus. We called him Thaddeus to one another until God revealed he was our Connor :). We considered keeping Thaddeus as Connors middle name until we realized it was just a alias they use ( they obviously cant use the childs actual name on the waiting list. So when we were told Connors birth given name we decided to keep it. However months later we found out He had never been called that name either and im almost certain we were pronouncing it wrong anyway. We were discouraged because we wanted his middle name to be extra special for him. The name Thaddeus was special to us because thats who he was to us for so long until we knew He was ours. 

One night after finding out that He had never been called his birth given name I began searching name meanings. I searched Thaddeus and was blown away...... gift of God were the words that popped up and we instantly knew that Thaddeus was our sons middle name. 

 Crazy thing is now when i goggle the name meaning all I can find are heart or courageous heart, never again have I found those three special words, but I know thats what his name will forever mean to us.

Connor Thaddeus Malone , my gift from God.