Saturday, July 28, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Connors T&A surgery and the storm that followed.
Hey guys I finally got around to talking about Connors Tonsil and Adenoid removal surgery that he had in May and the events that followed. It was definitely our most traumatic experience together to date. As you can tell I still cannot talk about it without getting very emotional, but we serve a big God who was much bigger than this storm. I say this in the video, but I wanna say it again this is not typical from T&A surgery so please do not let this scare you. The surgery has been life changing for Connor and I would absolutely recommend it if your child needs it. Click on the link below to hear our story.
https://youtu.be/kmNJT3Du1Gk
https://youtu.be/kmNJT3Du1Gk
Monday, July 23, 2018
My take on inclusion.
Hey guys below is a video of my take on inclusion and what Jeremy and I chose for Connor this year as he starts kindergarten. Remember to check out my YouTube page. I’ll link it below. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuNxGR09EKbjqxBGNfbtpGg
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Failure to Thrive.....
It doesn’t matter if you know it in your heart, hearing those words will still cut you like a knife. Leaving you breathless and in shock even though you truly already knew.
Today Connor had his well child visit. I went with my notes tucked in the diaper bag and gave much thought to the list of concerns and comments I was given to fill out. I didn’t hold back. I asked it all even the questions I thought were silly. I didn’t cry (last time I sobbed) I was firm, I was sure, I was a warrior. Even the bottom of the page that said any other comments had my handwriting in it. I asked it all! I left with my heart completely laid out on the table. I asked for labs, I asked for specific test. I was very vocal which is very unlike myself. I held my guy down along with two other nurses while he recieved his shots and I kissed his head and told him he was probably terrifying the other children. If you heard screams like someone was cutting a child open right there in the doctors office, that was us, no worries he survived (and never shed a single tear might I add.) So off to the hospital we headed and it was a weird feeling, the feeling of knowing all heck was about to break lose and yet being relieved that a lot of questions were about to be answered. At the hospital we got the labs and let me first say I have experienced a lot with my sons I’ve held him down while they ran tubes down his nose , specifically the time the nurse pushed to far and he choked as the tube went down his throat. I’ve held him after countless surgery including the worst when he cried pure blood tears and refused to open his eyes for 24 hours. I’ve sang him lullaby’s and told him everything was gonna be fine, even when I had no idea if that was true. I’ve done a lot of hard stuff, but y’all today. Today tore me in two. So I’m holding him for labs, he’s in my lap facing out and I’m pinning one arm down. Three nurses are in the room (I told them ahead of time to get plenty of back up) He screamed like the worst scream of pain I have ever heard come out of his tiny body! And my heart broke, but y’all I didn’t know the half of the emotional pain yet because then he twisted so he could look up at me and while he screamed with tears streaming down his face he locked eyes with me and I’m certain without words he was saying “mama make them stop.” “Mama help me” Mama why aren’t you doing anything” Mama they are hurting me” Mama please”. Y’all I was so broken. I wanted to break down, I’m not talking a few tears I quickly wipe away. I’m talking a ugly face weeping fest. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would flat out terrify him if he saw me getting upset. So I kissed his head and held him tight (had no choice there he was fighting us all) and I told him that they were almost done and everything was ok that mama had him.
The doctors say all labs came back fine. His thyroid is functioning properly. His kidney function is good. He has no infections, but that he is not growing. He is falling further behind and he was already very behind to begin with. His weight has been a concern since day one, but now his height is a concern. Little to no growth and as happy as I am that today’s results came back good. It is hard to not know a cause. And it’s easy to get lost in our concerns. It’s easy to let worry eat me up. Cause it’s the one thing I can’t control. We tried pedi sure. He drank them with full meals like it was nothing. We tried making his meals fatter, with butter and other ingredients. We gave him extra, we did more snack. Lots and lots of milk. We tried it all, and yet they tell me he’s not growing. Hearing failure to thrive is a punch to the gut cause I have exhausted all options.
But Today I’ve decided to make a choice. A choice to let go and let God. A choice to cast my cares on Him because I know He cares for me.
So today I made my little boy a promise that no matter what mamas got him, and a reminder not to worry about a thing because God’s got us both. A reminder that Gods been with him since his first breath. Sheltering him through all the storms he’s already faced and this is just another storm and not to be afraid cause mama will dance with him in the rain, and just when we least expect it, just when all hope seems lost we believe that God will send a rainbow. Cause that's exactly what happen when God sent me you, sweet boy.
John 16:33
Failure to Thrive.
Today Connor had his well child visit. I went with my notes tucked in the diaper bag and gave much thought to the list of concerns and comments I was given to fill out. I didn’t hold back. I asked it all even the questions I thought were silly. I didn’t cry (last time I sobbed) I was firm, I was sure, I was a warrior. Even the bottom of the page that said any other comments had my handwriting in it. I asked it all! I left with my heart completely laid out on the table. I asked for labs, I asked for specific test. I was very vocal which is very unlike myself. I held my guy down along with two other nurses while he recieved his shots and I kissed his head and told him he was probably terrifying the other children. If you heard screams like someone was cutting a child open right there in the doctors office, that was us, no worries he survived (and never shed a single tear might I add.) So off to the hospital we headed and it was a weird feeling, the feeling of knowing all heck was about to break lose and yet being relieved that a lot of questions were about to be answered. At the hospital we got the labs and let me first say I have experienced a lot with my sons I’ve held him down while they ran tubes down his nose , specifically the time the nurse pushed to far and he choked as the tube went down his throat. I’ve held him after countless surgery including the worst when he cried pure blood tears and refused to open his eyes for 24 hours. I’ve sang him lullaby’s and told him everything was gonna be fine, even when I had no idea if that was true. I’ve done a lot of hard stuff, but y’all today. Today tore me in two. So I’m holding him for labs, he’s in my lap facing out and I’m pinning one arm down. Three nurses are in the room (I told them ahead of time to get plenty of back up) He screamed like the worst scream of pain I have ever heard come out of his tiny body! And my heart broke, but y’all I didn’t know the half of the emotional pain yet because then he twisted so he could look up at me and while he screamed with tears streaming down his face he locked eyes with me and I’m certain without words he was saying “mama make them stop.” “Mama help me” Mama why aren’t you doing anything” Mama they are hurting me” Mama please”. Y’all I was so broken. I wanted to break down, I’m not talking a few tears I quickly wipe away. I’m talking a ugly face weeping fest. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would flat out terrify him if he saw me getting upset. So I kissed his head and held him tight (had no choice there he was fighting us all) and I told him that they were almost done and everything was ok that mama had him.
The doctors say all labs came back fine. His thyroid is functioning properly. His kidney function is good. He has no infections, but that he is not growing. He is falling further behind and he was already very behind to begin with. His weight has been a concern since day one, but now his height is a concern. Little to no growth and as happy as I am that today’s results came back good. It is hard to not know a cause. And it’s easy to get lost in our concerns. It’s easy to let worry eat me up. Cause it’s the one thing I can’t control. We tried pedi sure. He drank them with full meals like it was nothing. We tried making his meals fatter, with butter and other ingredients. We gave him extra, we did more snack. Lots and lots of milk. We tried it all, and yet they tell me he’s not growing. Hearing failure to thrive is a punch to the gut cause I have exhausted all options.
But Today I’ve decided to make a choice. A choice to let go and let God. A choice to cast my cares on Him because I know He cares for me.
So today I made my little boy a promise that no matter what mamas got him, and a reminder not to worry about a thing because God’s got us both. A reminder that Gods been with him since his first breath. Sheltering him through all the storms he’s already faced and this is just another storm and not to be afraid cause mama will dance with him in the rain, and just when we least expect it, just when all hope seems lost we believe that God will send a rainbow. Cause that's exactly what happen when God sent me you, sweet boy.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Monday, July 16, 2018
A new day has come.....
So most everyone knows if you follow me on social media, but I wanna go in a little more depth here. After much talk between Jeremy and I we decided to move Connor into a toddler bed.
I know what you might be thinking because I have been questioned about it numerous times Why is he still in a crib???
When Connor came home we tried to keep what we could the same. After all his entire life had changed so we wanted to accommodate where we could. He adjusted to his crib quickly because he had always slept in a crib. Within weeks we were in a good bedtime grove and why mess with a good thing right. So I did what most parents do, I said when he starts climbing out we will move him into a toddler bed. Two years later and Connor doesnt even stand up in his crib until I come in his room every morning. I didnt think much of this, but lately a thought crossed my mind, He may not ever climb out. Another reason and probably the biggest reason is the way Connor rolls, flips. and flops while he sleeps. Seriously unlike anything I have ever seen. Ive had him sit up and reach for me while crying and be completely asleep still. He has fallen off the couch multiple times during one nap due to the insane roll and flip flopping while he sleeps. After he had his tonsils and adenoids removed NOTHING! I kid you not the boy sleeps so still now!!! He is perfectly still besides moving from his back to belly. ( He also makes no noise bye bye snoring Connor and no more crying in his sleep.) So with that problem eliminated and nothing really holding us back and after many conversations we decided now was the best time. He will be 6 in two months, and I really wanted to make the transition while we were out of school. I knew I didnt wanna wait until next summer so we decided that I would never feel fully ready so we just did it. Convincing ourselves by saying if its a disaster we will just put the crib back. Our crib makes a toddler bed by taking off the sides so it would be a easy fix. We took off the side, We left the back cause his beds against the wall anyway.
So last night I tucked him into his crib one last time, and this morning I slipped in while he was still sleeping to take one last picture.
Even though this seems like not a big step, It feels huge to me. Its another constant reminder that my guy is not a baby anymore.
As always this boy was a trooper! He pointed and smiled and then hopped in his bed.
He took a nap and didnt get up until I came in to get him. So basically its as if nothings changed besides he can get in bed himself. He is super proud of this and claps for himself everytime. I am super proud of my BIG boy!!
The true test will be seeing if he waits on me or gets out of bed himself when he wakes up. He cant open his bedroom door yet, so he is still semi confined which gives me peace of mind.
Im super proud of this guy and am loving watching him grow and change, but I sure miss him being my tiny dude. Change is hard but its inevitable so we gotta just keep rolling with the punches.
BIG BOY BED FOR THE WIN!!!
In closing lets look back at all our crib memories....
Bye Bye Crib. Thank you for keeping my guy safe and sound each night for his first 2 and a half years home.
I know what you might be thinking because I have been questioned about it numerous times Why is he still in a crib???
When Connor came home we tried to keep what we could the same. After all his entire life had changed so we wanted to accommodate where we could. He adjusted to his crib quickly because he had always slept in a crib. Within weeks we were in a good bedtime grove and why mess with a good thing right. So I did what most parents do, I said when he starts climbing out we will move him into a toddler bed. Two years later and Connor doesnt even stand up in his crib until I come in his room every morning. I didnt think much of this, but lately a thought crossed my mind, He may not ever climb out. Another reason and probably the biggest reason is the way Connor rolls, flips. and flops while he sleeps. Seriously unlike anything I have ever seen. Ive had him sit up and reach for me while crying and be completely asleep still. He has fallen off the couch multiple times during one nap due to the insane roll and flip flopping while he sleeps. After he had his tonsils and adenoids removed NOTHING! I kid you not the boy sleeps so still now!!! He is perfectly still besides moving from his back to belly. ( He also makes no noise bye bye snoring Connor and no more crying in his sleep.) So with that problem eliminated and nothing really holding us back and after many conversations we decided now was the best time. He will be 6 in two months, and I really wanted to make the transition while we were out of school. I knew I didnt wanna wait until next summer so we decided that I would never feel fully ready so we just did it. Convincing ourselves by saying if its a disaster we will just put the crib back. Our crib makes a toddler bed by taking off the sides so it would be a easy fix. We took off the side, We left the back cause his beds against the wall anyway.
So last night I tucked him into his crib one last time, and this morning I slipped in while he was still sleeping to take one last picture.
Even though this seems like not a big step, It feels huge to me. Its another constant reminder that my guy is not a baby anymore.
As always this boy was a trooper! He pointed and smiled and then hopped in his bed.
Im super proud of this guy and am loving watching him grow and change, but I sure miss him being my tiny dude. Change is hard but its inevitable so we gotta just keep rolling with the punches.
BIG BOY BED FOR THE WIN!!!
In closing lets look back at all our crib memories....
Working hard to bring Connor home.
Connors telling his Crib bye (in the Orphanage.)
Crib in our hotel room in Hong Kong.
.
Connors bedroom ready after moving to new house.
Excited about new mickey mouse bedding,
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Summer time Update
First Off let me say I have really failed at blogging this summer. I literally have no excuse because I have had plenty of time, but soaking up these memories with my sweet boy have been my focus. I am cherishing ever second and although I dont like to say it out loud I know our summers coming to a end soon. This has been the first time since bringing him home that I have got to spend so much time with him ( I took FMLA and took 12 weeks off when he came home) and its been amazing!!! We have been busy bees learning new signs. We have added drink, thank you, Daddy, and please to the list of things Connor can sign. It is truly breath taking to watch him sign to me, and although hearing the words would be wonderful I am grateful for the beauty in the others ways he communicates.
Connor will be starting kindergarten this year and will turn 6 in September. I cannot even fathom this. It all seems forever away until you wake up one morning and heres this big boy looking back at you. I love watching him learn and grow, but hate seeing him leave little stages behind and outgrow things, but life is all about changes and as much as my heart is torn about it I am grateful to be able to watch him grow up and mature. We didnt end up working on potty training this summer like I had good intentions of doing, due to his lack of interest. Honestly he is just not ready and thats ok because I know he will get there in his own time. We have been working hard on being polite and signing please and thank you at the appropriate times. He is progressing and even signed them without me asking him to a few times, but most of the time I have to remind him, but he will do it once reminded. Also we are working hard on using a inside voice and not getting upset and angry when told no or when something doesnt go our way ( Something we all could take a lesson or two in if were honest). Some days are good. Others are a struggle. Today he cried over things that werent a big deal at all, and yelled alot. Mama is working on being patient and reminding myself that hes mostly frustrated because he cant make his needs and wants known verbally. Hence why were working on alot of new signs. Most of the time him being nonverbal doesnt phase me, but it does bother me on the days that I can see it bothers him. He knows much more than he can verbalize and that has to be such a frustrating thing for him. Most days are good though and he babbles and laughs and is just flat out joyful about everything. He really is such a trooper!! He has been sickness free for awhile, hard to say if thats from having his tonsils and adenoids out, or because we have been staying to ourselves alot. Were grateful regardless and I guess the true test will be when school starts back. Another big change for him is LaLa and G moving ( my mom and dad). They have been living next door since their home was destroyed in November. He will point toward the rental house and say LaLa when he wants to go there luckily we have spent alot of time at their new house so he hasnt asked to go to the rental yet. Hopefully I will be able to help him understand and with time he wont ask to go there. Fingers crossed!
Im thankful I was able to help my parents move this week since I havent been able to help much throughout this journey for them ( aside from being present). Money is tight and sadly we just couldnt do much, but I was happy to be off work and able to help move alot of there stuff on moving day. It definitely made me feel better to be able to do something for them.
There new house is wonderful and of course it will never replace the home I grew up in and it feels different since I have never lived in this house, a very different dynamic from the house id been in since 3 years old, but again lifes about changes, nothing ever stays the same. It is nice to see them happy again, even though having them living next door for 8 months was a wonderful treat. Most nights when Jeremy and Connor were in bed I would walk down and spend time with them. Near the end when I knew they would be moving soon I did this almost nightly cause I knew I wouldnt be able to do it much longer, but when I wanna be sad about it Im reminded of when I lived over 2000 miles away in Montana and then 25 minutes away doesnt seem so bad. I am happy just to see them happy again and to know that they finally have a place to call and feel like home again.
Not much else going on. We are anxiously awaiting the birth of our niece or nephew who will be making their debut next month, Other than that We are just soaking in our last few weeks before its back to school and the real world so to speak.
Connor will be starting kindergarten this year and will turn 6 in September. I cannot even fathom this. It all seems forever away until you wake up one morning and heres this big boy looking back at you. I love watching him learn and grow, but hate seeing him leave little stages behind and outgrow things, but life is all about changes and as much as my heart is torn about it I am grateful to be able to watch him grow up and mature. We didnt end up working on potty training this summer like I had good intentions of doing, due to his lack of interest. Honestly he is just not ready and thats ok because I know he will get there in his own time. We have been working hard on being polite and signing please and thank you at the appropriate times. He is progressing and even signed them without me asking him to a few times, but most of the time I have to remind him, but he will do it once reminded. Also we are working hard on using a inside voice and not getting upset and angry when told no or when something doesnt go our way ( Something we all could take a lesson or two in if were honest). Some days are good. Others are a struggle. Today he cried over things that werent a big deal at all, and yelled alot. Mama is working on being patient and reminding myself that hes mostly frustrated because he cant make his needs and wants known verbally. Hence why were working on alot of new signs. Most of the time him being nonverbal doesnt phase me, but it does bother me on the days that I can see it bothers him. He knows much more than he can verbalize and that has to be such a frustrating thing for him. Most days are good though and he babbles and laughs and is just flat out joyful about everything. He really is such a trooper!! He has been sickness free for awhile, hard to say if thats from having his tonsils and adenoids out, or because we have been staying to ourselves alot. Were grateful regardless and I guess the true test will be when school starts back. Another big change for him is LaLa and G moving ( my mom and dad). They have been living next door since their home was destroyed in November. He will point toward the rental house and say LaLa when he wants to go there luckily we have spent alot of time at their new house so he hasnt asked to go to the rental yet. Hopefully I will be able to help him understand and with time he wont ask to go there. Fingers crossed!
Im thankful I was able to help my parents move this week since I havent been able to help much throughout this journey for them ( aside from being present). Money is tight and sadly we just couldnt do much, but I was happy to be off work and able to help move alot of there stuff on moving day. It definitely made me feel better to be able to do something for them.
There new house is wonderful and of course it will never replace the home I grew up in and it feels different since I have never lived in this house, a very different dynamic from the house id been in since 3 years old, but again lifes about changes, nothing ever stays the same. It is nice to see them happy again, even though having them living next door for 8 months was a wonderful treat. Most nights when Jeremy and Connor were in bed I would walk down and spend time with them. Near the end when I knew they would be moving soon I did this almost nightly cause I knew I wouldnt be able to do it much longer, but when I wanna be sad about it Im reminded of when I lived over 2000 miles away in Montana and then 25 minutes away doesnt seem so bad. I am happy just to see them happy again and to know that they finally have a place to call and feel like home again.
Not much else going on. We are anxiously awaiting the birth of our niece or nephew who will be making their debut next month, Other than that We are just soaking in our last few weeks before its back to school and the real world so to speak.
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