I gave him a voice....

If you know us personally you know that Connor is primarily nonverbal. I know that can get confusing because he can say a few words.  This is classified as not having meaningful conversation.  Meaning he doesnt answer questions verbally/ cant tell you about his day, doesnt speak often, etc.

Connor is wonderful with gestures and knows some signs.  I fully believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. I believe in him. I do not set limitations on him.

However, I encourage him to sign and do my best to teach him the correct signs that will allow him to make his basic needs and wants known. I want to teach him to communicate these things in order to speak in ways that arent verbal in case speech doesnt come. I know that this sounds unfathomable. I should be doing everything in my power to ensure that speech does comes.

My biggest truth is I am working my hardest at something different. I work my hardest to ensure he can speak without words. I work my hardest to help him to learn other ways to communicate in the case that speech does not come.

If he speaks with words one day that is wonderful. I cannot even explain to you the joy that would bring me. The very thought of it makes me weep. However as his mother I am setting him up to win. Isnt that our job as parents? To raise our kids in such a way to give them a more successful future. Connors future is bright regardless. Its my desire to make sure I do all I can to teach him all the skills he needs to live a happy life. We all cope differently, and what works best for me is to live in such a way that this is it. That if this is all the speech that ever comes, he will be just fine.  I cope by living everyday as if the present is the future.  This may seem like im selling him short, but in reality this is ensuring he has the greatest future. That he knows that He can talk to me and doesnt even need to utter a word. If Connors speech takes off, and hes chatting with me about what he did that day and what he wants for dinner that will be a added bonus, but I am enabling him to have a voice regardless of whether I physically hear it or not.

And in case all that just came out wrong please know this. Hes in speech and his daddy and I are encouraging him to use his words. To form words and to attempt to speak, and yet I am completely comfortable in the fact that this may be it, and either way he speaks. And either way he wins. Cause he is a winner in my book yesterday, today, and forever. And no matter what hes my sweet boy and I love him right where hes at and am giving him the tools for a bright future.

 This is my biggest truth and until your in my shoes Its hard to understand. Its hard to comprehend why I would choose to live this way, but I fully believe this is how to support him and give him the most opportunities for his future. If im wrong what a blessing it will be to hear him with my ears, but if im right I gained my son being able to express himself. I gave him a means to communicate. I gave him a voice.

What if I say it wrong??

  Have you ever felt the need to speak up, but then you experience this overwhelming fear....What if  I say it wrong?? 

This is me all too often. Dont get me wrong there are times that being silent is best, but what if our story needs told. What if someone would benefit from our experience. What if not speaking up is more wrong than the fear of saying it wrong.

Its time....Time to speak.

  The first week of December we had a Hanging of the Green service at church. During one point in the service we were asked to come forward and say what we were thankful for and then hang a ornament on the Christmas tree. Many people spoke, but guess who didnt. Yep, me. And its not because I didnt have thoughts of what to say perfectly planned out in my mind, but fear won. Why because I knew I would cry and no one would probably understand me. What if someone had needed to hear my words that day. Heres what I believe I was suppose to say.

"I know that most of you know my papaw is in hospice care. I wont say that my family isnt in denial in alot of ways, but one thing we do know is that this is papaws last Christmas with us. So this year im thankful for so many things, but the one reoccurring the most is this. Im thankful that to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Im thankful that theres no Parkisons disease in Heaven, and that Papaw will soon walk beside his King."

I recently attended a birthday party and was approached by a little girl. She pointed towards Connor and said whose he here with. I told her he was with me. And she said are you his mama. I said yes I am. She then proudly stated he goes to my school. She then asked how old he was and when I said six. She loudly exclaimed HES SIX YEARS OLD?! Hes so tiny!! I smiled and said yep hes a little guy. She then said I'm six too. Im mind blown! I cant believe hes six Hes so tiny. Whys he so little?? I smiled and said hes just small.

I wish I had used that moment to tell her that He has Down Syndrome. That makes him a little different. That were all a little different and thats what makes us all so special.  I should have used that moment, but I didnt and I think about it alot. I missed a good opportunity.

When we were at Connors Orphanage in Hong Kong we sat in the middle with everyone circled around us and they asked us if we had anything to say. I had so much to say, but the words wouldnt come. I deeply regret that. Jeremy spoke though while I sobbed.

I wish so badly that I could go back in  time because I would say " Thank you! For taking such good care of him. For being his voice. For the hospital stays and doctor appointments. For all your time and efforts to give him a good life. For making him so happy. For loving him before we could."

I have so many more stories like these. Times I kept silent when I had so much to say. So I urge you to speak when you feel led to. Dont worry about crying or the words coming out wrong. Because somethings need said.

Speechless Sunday.

  So alot of people in the blogging world do wordless wednesday, basically just posting pictures with no words. So Ive come up with Speechless Sunday! Ill try to do one monthly ( at the least) and  The photos can just speak for themselves. :)