Dear Stephanie

If I would write a letter to myself one year ago it would go something like this.


Dear Stephanie,
        I know your afraid. You have been officially matched meaning you have a child. Congratulations !!!A dream  you have prayed for for 7 long years is finally coming true!! You are anxious and excited, but I see the fear and worry too. You know this is Gods plan. You know this is the baby he has picked for you to mother, but that don't take away the overwhelming panic you sometimes feel. You work with and love many individuals with Down Syndrome but you don't think you have what it takes. You feel so unready and yet you cannot wait to bring your son home. You know Gods gonna see you through, but you are still so afraid. What  will he be like? Will he be accepted? Will people stare? What challenges will he face? What will his future look like? They say his heart is fine, but is it really? Will he attach to you and accept you as his Mama? Will you be a good Mama?

Oh Stephanie you have nothing to worry about. The world may not see him as perfect but you will. Do not worry because you will go for a echocardiogram and be told his heart functions perfectly. People will stare but mostly because he is so stinking adorable. He has contagious joy and will light up any room he's in. There will be challenges, but you will be amazed at your strength and braver as you face them head on with your precious boy. He will mimick everything and catch onto things so quickly. You will sometimes look at him and feel so overwhelmed with the love you feel for him that it brings tears. You will be amazed at how he is accepted by all your family and friends . He will attach to you and daddy so fast and everyone will  point out how well he has adjusted to life a world away from all he's ever known.  You will love him with the most powerful love and although he may not be able to say it back you will know he loves you too. He will change you in so many ways and all for the better and although you won't always feel you are, your gonna be told often what an amazing mom you are. He will be your best friend, your side kick, your saving grace. And your gonna be so excited to see what the future holds and all that lies ahead for your little man. Because the sky will be the limit and youll know that this child can do anything he sets his mind to. Youll look back and laugh at all the worries and fears you had and you'll often wonder how you ever lived without this beautiful soul who rocks his extra chromosome.

Gods story in my story...

   Im not proud of everything in my life. I have made alot of bad choices. However im not who I was and now when I look at my life I see my story mixed with Gods story.

When we surrender our lives to God we will see his story in our story and it makes our lives something beautiful.

It may come as a surprise to some, but I was a little boy crazy in high school. I made some of my biggest mistakes and some lifelong regrets in those times. 

I lost myself and had no self worth.

However one day I met someone who put the color back in my life. Someone who showed me how I was meant to be treated.  

Someone who NEVER put his hands on me in a hurtful way. Someone who was kind and thoughtful. 

This was so new to me ( as far as relationships went) that I pushed him away. Because it didnt feel right. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what a healthy relationship was and how it felt. (I was not raised that way, but) thats what I had become. A girl who had things so wrong whose world was so broken, that the old way ,the good way, the right way, felt completely wrong. 

Luckily I realized and learned that I didnt deserve the bad. I didnt deserve the physical pain, I didnt deserve the emotional hurt.

Jeremy changed everything for me and although my life was already filled with so much of Gods beauty. In this blog Ill start there.

I see Gods story in my story when I see my husband. 

I am so thankful for this Godly man and the way he leads our family.

I am so glad that God sent him at the perfect time to lead me back onto the right track. Without him I dont know where or who I would be. 

I see Gods Story in my story when I think about a church called Canyon Baptist Church and think about how God sent us to live and work in Hungry Horse, Montana.

  We spent two years in Montana and were forever changed by our time there.

I see Gods Story in my life When I remember our adoption journey.

The way God guided  and directed us each step of the way. 

The way He gave us such peace during one of the toughest waits of our life.

The way He saw us through.

I see God story in my story when I look at my son.

I cannot even put into words the love I have for this child. The way He is completely perfect for me. He is such a huge part of my story and He is one of  the greatest choices in my life and He has made me such a proud mother.

I cannot wait to see more of Gods story in my future. 

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:6

I didnt know...

One year ago we received Matching Approval (MA). Matching approval means the Adoption Unit in Hong Kong reviewed all our paperwork and discussed many questions and concerns with us about the specific needs of the child we were pursuing and how we planned to provide and care for them. We waited for 23 weeks and it was hard. We were asked many tough questions and I actually remember sobbing one night and saying to Jeremy "There not gonna let us have him." But surprise on this day one year ago we got the news that MA had come and we were parents! We were over moon excited and up until that time in the adoption process it was the most exciting part. It hit hard that this was actually happening and after feeling like our prayers were going unanswered for so many years we finally  had a son. I remember calling and texting family and friends and showing his picture to everyone who would look!!

But ya know what

I didnt know what love was.

Not until I walked into that orphanage and I scooped him up off the floor.

When those tiny arms reach for me for the first time.

Walking into the airport and seeing our closest friends and family with balloons and welcome home signs and tear filled smiles.

 and I didnt know how tough I was.

Going back to work after never leaving Connor anywhere for longer than 3 hours.

Turning and walked away the day his teachers had to pry him off of me crying and screaming and reaching for me because I knew he needed the therapy.

Watching him go to different specialist  for test after test and seeing the fear and discomfort.

The day extra help was called in to hold him down while the nurse drew blood.

The day they rolled him away for surgery.

One year ago I had no idea what this little guy was like or who he actually was but he is more wonderful, more beautiful, more rambunctious, more joyful and more perfect than I could have ever even imagined then and He makes me feel love on a whole new level and although he makes me feel fear on a whole new level as well, he also has shown me just how tough I actually am and can be when the situation arises.

I am thankful that God held all three of us and our adoption in his hands and ,made each piece fit together so perfectly.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.


Ecclesisstes 3:11

I felt like a Mother.

   My mamaw said those words everyone hates to hear, "Can I ask you something?"  A million thoughts raced through my mind as I answered yes. Thats when she said it while looking toward Connor playing happily in the floor, " Do you remember the day you met him??What did you think when you first saw him?"


My answer was simple ( mostly because I didnt want to cry, What is it that makes us so embarrassed to cry anyway).

I was overwhelmed. I didnt know how to feel. I was so happy!!

She then asked " Did you feel like you were gonna pass out?"

Oh YES!! I remember vividly thinking Stephanie breathe, you have to breathe. But I felt like I couldnt. I couldnt breathe.

I then said Mamaw you have kids, the way you felt the first time you held your babies ( she nodded) Thats how I felt.

We then moved onto talking about something else since we all were teary eyed ( again why are we ashamed to cry?)

Honestly there is about a million ways to answer that question because I felt that many emotions surge through my body.

I felt like I was looking at my future, my everything.

I felt my whole being fill with the most powerful love I had felt in my life.

I felt so undeserving and unprepared and yet I knew I was born for this moment. I was born to be his mama.

I felt so much happiness that fear had no room in me.

I felt peace fill me and the room we were in.

I felt like everything else faded and nothing else matter.

I felt so much pride.

I felt that after 21 months on our adoption journey and 7and 1/2  years praying for God to give us a family it all came to this moment. Every tear, every negative pregnancy test it was all because this beautiful boy needed us and we needed him.

I felt like it was worth it all.

I felt elated.

I felt tears, literally I sobbed.

I felt so incredibly blessed.

I felt so many things and I have no doubt I will never ever forget the first time I laid eyes on him.

After so many years I finally had what I  had always dreamed about and yet he was even more perfect than I ever imagined.

I think when I first saw him can be summed up in 5 words.....I felt like a Mother.

Be a example, Be a friend. Be your best. Be a mama,.

 Sometimes our day stinks.

Whether its car trouble, sickness, a bad meeting at work, face it we could go on and on.  Life gets hectic and its hard. Wake up, shower and get dressed. Wake up kids feed them, get them dressed, pack lunches, and fly out the door. This is most of our morning routines and its overwhelming.

Then its off to work and when the work day is finally over its practice and supper and baths and bedtime. and them again the next day.

Throw a bad day in there and it leaves us frustrated and exhausted.

Today was a extremely long day for me. I was tired, stressed, and just completely overwhelmed.

By the time bedtime came for my little guy I was basically  dragging around the house silently hoping I could go to bed myself soon.

Every night we read a short story from a childrens bible story book, pray and then I lay Connor down for the night.

Tonight I collapsed into the rocking chair, mumbled through the story and thats when it happened.  Before I could began praying Connor folded his little hands and I smiled as  I folded mine and prayed.

Our prayer is a short song and simply says " Thank you Jesus for this day, for this day, for this day. Thank you Jesus for this day AAmen". ( To the tune of london bridge is falling down.)

I didnt come out of my sons bedroom with the same attitude I went in with. Was it still a bad day? Yes, but I am so thankful for it.

Thankful for a job to go to.

Thankful for a roof over my head ( and AC!!!)

Thankful for friends to vent to.

Thankful for food to pack those lunches.

Thankful for clothes to wear,

Thankful for a babysitter I can trust my son with.

Thankful for a reliable vehicle.

Thankful for this tiny boy to tuck in each night. Thankful that even though I feel overwhelmed and like im not doing a good enough job, When i always feel never quite good enough my son is learning to pray. Not by chance or all on his own,but because he has watched me. Because He knows that before every meal we thank God for our food, and every night we thank God for our day, even if it was a stinky one.

If your tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, feeling less than enough. Just keep trudging along because you never know when little eyes are looking up to you.

Be a example, Be a friend. Be your best. Be a mama.