God was Good the day my Dad died.

  If you read the title and are like what the what stick with me...

Jeremy works from home on Wednesdays every week. My dad died on a Tuesday. Jeremy had to switch his schedule around that week and you guessed it just so happen to be working from home that day.  God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My father in law was working on our deck and my mother in law was at our house visiting the baby. I would have been home alone with two kids but that day  My house was full of people when I got that horrible call. My mother in law was able to drive me to the hosptial, while Jeremy kept the kids.   God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

One week before my dad died we welcomed a foster baby. She needed around the clock feeding and constant care. I was forced to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I didnt have the option to give up or fall apart. She was mine and my mothers sunshine in the mist of our darkest storm. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

I was already out of work due to the baby and didn't receive the call while I was at work. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My dad never gasped for breath or made a sound when he went. I know that may seem like a odd victory to some, but Him seemingly just drifting off to heaven is a blessing. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

I had taken Connor to the store and spent intentional one on one time with him that morning. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

When the doctor said "we did everything we could but unfortunately we couldn't bring him back." I remember my mom saying "So He died??"  We abruptly drifted into shock, which I see now was a blessing. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My Dad was a believer and loved the Lord, so we have no doubt where He is. GOD IS MERCIFUL AND OH SO GOOD TO ME. 

So yes God was good to me the day my Dad died. 

My dad use to always say "Half full" meaning his cup was half full not half empty. He told me one time that you have to make yourself see it that way. Life will always throw things at you to make you feel half empty, but you have to constantly choose to see half full. 

I think about the day He died often and when I do I think about all these things and realize my glass was definitely half full. 

Instead of thinking about how I cant fathom how im going to live the rest of my life without him. I have to make a conscious effort to remember  how lucky I was to have such a good dad. 

Half full.

God is merciful and oh so good to me.

 

Here I am, send me

   Most of you know me and my story, but for those who may not I'll give you a little background.

     I married Jeremy when I was 19 years old. We always wanted a big family.  For 8 years we begged God for a family. In 2016 We walked into a orphanage and met Connor.  It was love at first sight, and I often say that moment I lifted him off the orphanage floor that day is exactly what I imagine it must be like to deliver your baby and have them laid on your chest. An indescribable feeling.

 The years went by and we were told often ( by well meaning people) watch you'll get pregnant now.

 But we didnt.

Prior to Connor we never saw a fertility doctor, but in 2021 we decided we werent getting any younger and if we wanted to pursue having a biological child we might want to seek help. I'll spare the details, but after months of test and even medication In April we received devestating news that it would literally be a miracle if we were ever to conceive. 

I received this news by phone call while at work Wiped the tears and went out and continued my day caring for and loving on kids. It was one of the hardest things Ive ever done, but " I loved on the kids God placed around me" which is important later in my story. 

" Just do IVF" I've heard probably a thousand times. What many dont realized is there are couples who medically cannot even go that route. We are one of those couples. 

Anyway obviously we were heartbroken. Yes it had been 14 years, but to finally hear those words was absolutely gut wrenching. We continued to pray. We never stopped asking God to grow our family, and NEVER stopped believing He would. 

We'd just adopt again, right? Well the first time God called us to adopt and we fully believe its a calling He places on your life. After all theres so many orphans in the world, How could it not be His plan for us to adopt again.

 We prayed, We seeked, and yet we didnt feel that tug at our heart. It was quite honestly confusing. We knew the process. We knew the steps. Yet still when we prayed about it, we felt Gods Silence. 

But of course it was His plan. We went to our previous agency and were baffled when we learned they no longer do international adoption. Ok maybe this time God wants us to adopt domestically ( from the US.) Again baffled when we learned our previous agency was no longer accepting families due to so many current families waiting Man We thought we were super comfortable with that route because we knew it so well, but ok thery arent the only adoption agency. 

I could keep going, but the short story of it is God closed door after door. And with all the doors closed finally we had no choice, but to stand still and listen.

I wanna skip back here to a conversation that God has brought to my mind countless times throughout my life, especially this past year. 

It was 2011 We were about to move to Montana to work in full time ministry ( we would be working with lots of kids.) We sat down with Derek ( Our now pastor, and had been our pastor in the past as well) We were in his pastors study in the church he was currently pastoring at the time and he said something to me that day I never forgot and has helped me more than I can explain to you throughout my life.

"Love on the children God has placed around you."

I cant tell you how much I needed to hear that and how its echoed in my mind throughout my life. 

We knew what God wanted us to do, but much like Jonah we tried to run. We came up with excuse after excuse. 

" I could never do that. It wouldnt be fair to Connor, It would break my heart." And the list goes on and on.

Still God called us. We both knew it much like when we felt called to adopt Connor. 

We were filled with fear. I told God many reasons why I couldnt do it. And then God reminded me of Moses feeling the same way. Yall know the story in Exodus. God was calling Moses to do something big and scary, and He made excuses why he couldnt do it. He told God he couldnt because his speech wasnt good. And the Lord sent him help. He said I'll send Aaron he is a good speaker. He will speak for you.  As I wrestled with what I felt like God was calling us to do in the midst of the fear and excuses God sent me help just like He did for moses with aaron.

A organization whose goal is to offer support for the very thing God was asking us to do. Two very special friends of ours from church became a part of Foster Village. Whose mission is to support foster care families. Orchestrated so prefectly, Like only He can do. God had sent our help.   

We are scared, and nervous, and about a million other emotions. And yes we are still very worried aboout Connor. But in the end I hope Connor knows that our family loved. Even if it meant being uncomfortable, even when it meant changing our entire routines, we loved for as long as we were needed, even when we knew it would potentially break our hearts. Our family is gonna love the children God places around us.  

We are currently in the process of becoming foster parents. 

 Its still scary, its gonna be hard But God has flung this door wide open and we know Hes stepping through it with us. We would certainly appreciate your prayers.

Ill close with this 

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?

And I said Here I am send me. 

Maybe Gods been closing doors all around you. Seek Him with all your heart. Hes gonna open one and when He does I hope you'll trust Him enough to walk right through it.