The aftermath

 

Every wondered what happens after the (foster care) adoption??

Heres 6 things that happened afterwards that I never expected....

1. To be reminded the goal of foster care is reunification.

Ya don't say 😝
We know this. We believe in this. We support this, But sadly sometimes that cannot happen. 

2. To be treated like we stole a child.

Everything was up to the system and a judge. We had zero say. All were really guilty of is loving her and taking care of her. Lock me up I guess cause  Ill always stand on that.

3. The hoops we had to jump through afterwards.

Getting her birth certificate was quite honestly torturous. Even required a trip to Nashville for a annulment, but thats another story for another day.

And don't get me started on getting a social security number.

And you really really don't want to hear our insurance story. 😑

4. All the questions/ comments about her biological family  (How could "they" give her up or not love her.)

Bio family is off limits. I will say she was loved and far from "given up."

5. The drop in support.

I get it shes "mine" now. But I didnt expect to reach out for a simple answer to a question and be told "we can't help with anything to do with her since shes no longer a foster child. " Cut off from even a answer after 20 months of them being the go to. To be told "someone will contact you" (It was literally 3 months before that "someone" reached out.)

6. The guilt.

And I think alot of it  goes back to number 2. It comes from the negative perception of us.  There will forever be so much I can't/wont share publicly and therefore Im immediately judged and labeled. Its fine, but I cant say it doesn't get heavy. Im an adult, but the heaviness on her haunts me. Shes endured more than any 2 year old should ever have to. And knowing the pain that will come when shes old enough to truly understand her story guts me.

The truth is were either labeled  heros or  villains. And I promise were neither!

The journey has only begun when you raise your right hand in that courtroom. I was so ready for peace and rest but I never expected (for us) another fight would  begin immediately.

(* This is our experience. Every adoption story is different* )

Shes worth it all. 🩷

Resting at His feet

  My Papaw passed away June 1, 2025 at 91 years old.  

  I wont share many details out of respect for my family, but I will say this. Mamaw said he fell and in those first moments continued trying to pull himself up  to get to his feet, but he just couldnt. 

This is typical. He told me a few weeks ago if I can get ahold of a chair or something I can pull  myself up enough to get on my feet. He'd done this numerous times the last few years. 

Another family member arrived a few minutes later and he was laying in the floor with his hands folded under his head laying there peacefully. His strength was gone so he rested. And you know who was with Him in the floor His Savior. He didnt leave him. He was right there. What we could see with our eyes was papaw in the floor exhausted and out of options.  But really He was resting at His Saviors feet. 

Now  what transpired next I'll leave out to respect my family, but I tell you those two things because God spoke to me about it today while I was driving. 

My papaw had many friends. He loved to talk and would talk to anyone. This is a catastrophic loss not only for us, but for his church, and honestly even his community. Aside from some years he lived in Illinois He remained right there in that community. Practically everyone knew him, and Im obviously bias and likely wouldnt "hear" but I dont know anyone who didnt like him. He clearly had flaws as we all do, but He was a good man and lived a good life. I can take him being my papaw out of the equation and see that. 

So how do we cope? How do we heal? How do we possibly move forward? I was thinking these same things today as I drove. 

And I asked God why. Why in the last 7 years every two years have I lost 4 people that shaped and molded me into who I am today. People who loved the Lord, people who served Him. When I try to think about it logically I should be bitter, but Im not. Because my heart knows all 4 are with Him. They are at peace, but how do we find peace? How do we keep going?

 God used my Papaws final hours to show me. 

We keep trying to get up.  We keep trying to get onto our feet. And when we can't.  When we feel we have run out of strength. When we feel we've done all we can and are left defeated and exhausted.  We just rest in the floor. We stop putting our energy into getting up and we lay peacefully at our Saviors feet.  

Our  hearts are heavy. My family is broken.  We are exhausted and defeated. So continue to pray we would learn in these moments to rest at His feet, until He gives us the strength to pull ourselves up again may we have peace in knowing were not in the floor alone. 

Learning to breathe again

Im not sure where to start. I have a millions things I want to say, and honestly about a million I'm not allowed to say. 

I never spoke much about becoming a foster parent. Mainly to keep myself from blurring the lines and getting myself in trouble. So I guess Ill start from the beginning. 

In June 2023 We became licensed foster parents. I say it that way because thats when things became official as far as classes complete, home study approved, and all the other prep work. 

 3 weeks later in July 2023 the call came. A 2 week old baby girl. I dont have to tell how scared we were, but I know I also dont have to tell you how in love I was. She was a whooping 5Ibs of perfection and as much as I told my heart it needed to slow down I was attached practically instantly. 

 The goal is always reunification. We knew that going in. Your told that over and over. We got it. But its  much more complicated than that really. Because you know you'll get attached. You'll remind yourself constantly  they arent "yours" ( I did anyway) But you love them like they're yours I certainly did anyway. 

 

The months will fly by, and as much as you try not to you're reminded they are going to leave. I kept her clothes washed seems normal right No I mean I tried to keep her clothes all washed in case there was no notice because I wanted to send all I could with her. On court dates I always always asked her worker the day before is there a chance tomorrows the day.  I was always reminded of the steps. What exactly would happen. How reunification works and where her case was. It should have eased my mind, but it did little to help. I sat in courtrooms scared out of my mind more times than I can count. And then of course my mind would tell me how horrible of a person I was. That reunification was the goal. That as the world likes to remind us I "signed up for this" 

But the truth is you dont know till you know do ya. I knew it would be hard. But looking back I see I just didnt understand the psychological toll it can actually take. I certainly know now. 

I remember when she was a few months old her being carried to me and hearing the words through tears "I cant calm her down" I took her in my arms, she was sticky hot from crying and I mean she was letting it roll arched back and everything, the moment I took her she locked eyes with me and her body relaxed I talked and patted and rocked and in what seemed like seconds she was quiet. As a mom that feeling is gold right. Your baby loves you. She is comfortable with you and in that moment she wanted you. As a foster parent All I felt was guilt. I didnt even wanna look up at the all the eyes looking at me in the room. I heard the clicking of keys on the social workers computer. Leaving no doubt she was noting this. I cried the entire way home that day, not any different from the other days. Because I felt so rotten. I hurt for all involved. But I mostly hurt for this innocent baby who rode in the back sleeping exhausted from crying for hours while I had to sit in another room knowing what she wanted was me. And feeling oh so guilty about it. 

Time went quickly and it was almost christmas. I always thought I hope we get to share christmas, but then the guilt of knowing it was her 1st christmas bothered me too. Of course the babies dont remember, but its such a huge milestone for parents. A few months before we realized she would be here for christmas We felt a little wave of relief. At least We will have christmas. We lived that way. At least weve got.... Over and over for 16 months. 

 We watched and cheered for all her first. Roll, crawling, steps, words. Celebrated holidays and her first birthday. We soaked it all in and definitely lived each moment like it might be our last.  I documented it all in a notebook never meant for me. And it all certainly takes a toll emotionally. You ever tucked a baby in at night like you have for over a year and yet wondered if it was the last bedtime. Looked at them in the backseat and wondered if that carseat will be empty and a painful reminder tomorrow. I have. 

 So when I tell you reunification was always the goal it ALWAYS was until after 16 months it wasnt. 

And of course I have to skip over much of the rest. But in February 2025 We officially became a family. And we felt nothing but bliss and lived happily ever after!!

Except that's far from true. Half the world thinks I'm a saint and the other half thinks I stole a baby. (neither are true by the way)  Because the truth is its much more complicated than that. We are elated beyond belief dont  get me wrong. We have loved her and have always treated her like our daughter We should just ride off into the sunset now right?? I thought so too, But what I didn't realize is since Id been holding my breath for 19 months  I would have to learn to breathe again. I had to learn to relax. I cant tell you how many times I've almost picked up the phone to ask her worker a question before making a decision and then reminding myself oh I dont have to do that. Life as we knew it for 19 months is completely changed. No more check ins, no more asking permission, no more visits, no more calls. I am slowly doing better adjusting to this new world, but it wasnt easy. Which sounds utterly ridiculous to me too. But if Im gonna tell you the truth Ill tell you all of it. I still am learning to breathe.  I went by the DCS office last week like literally just drove by and was shocked at the physical reaction I had. Its gonna be a process. Its gonna take time. 

Im constantly thinking of the future. The one I never had to think about before  because I never thought we'd have. How do I even  begin to go about telling her her story. How to I articulate the truth when it feels oh so complicated to even me. And the answer ive come to is Ill do what I've done since the moment they placed her in my arms I'm gonna do my best. It wont be perfect because I'm certainly not. But We will always tell her the truth. We will always be (age appropriately) honest with her. 

  My hope is that she takes the seemingly broken parts of her past and finds how to use them for good. That she breaks generational holds. That she finds the absolute beauty in who she and is always proud. And is confident in all she will do and can do. That she never lets her past define her  and yet also never shys away from her story. That she will hold her head high and know despite all she went through and overcame God wrote her story and His plans are for her good.

We were just lucky enough to be a piece God wove into her story the truth is She is HIS, and from her first breath HE carried her and if she'll allow HIM he always will. 

I Love you forever, Jayda. 

 

* Please know that the things I talked about in my experience aren't even a glimpse into the trauma and emotions  children in foster care go through. They are and will always be the ones effected the most. *