Why im a tough mom and why I feel its so important.

  I know what you say about me, and your absolutely right. Im a tough mom. Maybe you think im too strict. Maybe you think I should relax more or be easier.

And guess what maybe your right, but I dont think I expect too much. Because regardless of what some of the world may say my son is smart. Smart enough to be taught right from wrong. Smart enough to be expected to behave like a gentleman. And im not crazy I know he is 4, and I know that he is delayed to much younger than 4. However I believe he is smart, I believe he is  very capable of learning. How can I teach him if im busy thinking how cute he is. If im busy letting him slide by with behavior we wouldnt accept from any other child.

So yes maybe im too tough according to popular opinion, but its only because I am thinking of the future. I am thinking of the grown man he will become. The man who will be  bigger and more powerful than me.  If I dont teach him now what is and isnt ok then it will be too late. It will be too late when he is bigger than me. It will be too late when he is more powerful than his tiny 5 foot mom. So I am tough, but its all out of love. It doesnt come from a place of maliciousness. Its because I want that man who is gonna be bigger and more powerful than me to be a kind man. To be a man that I dont have to be afraid of.

So when you see me correct my child, or speak to him like he can understand please know that its because he can understand. Just because a child is primarily nonverbal does not mean they cannot understand when you speak to them. Trust me he knows. He comprehends.

And one day I hope that because I was a tough mom that I have a kind, compassionate, and gentle son who I look up to, most likely literally.

On those days....

 Maybe you think I have it all together. Maybe you think I never have doubts, but  there are those days. Those days when the devil tells me Im a bad mom. When he tells me that I cant do this. When he says that Im messing my kid up.

Sadly I bet you have those days too, but ya know what, we dont have to believe it.  Easier said than done of course when most days I feel like I barely have it together myself. So how can I raise another human being. How can I be sure im doing this right.  And on those days when I am completely filled with doubt heres what I do.


I cling to Jesus. I pray more. I cuddle my little one. I give more hugs and kisses. I take a deep breath and on those days I remind myself that the creator of the universe trusted me to raise this tiny boy.  And although most days I feel completely inadequate I remember that God who knows every single thing about me even things I dont realize about myself chose me to be this little guys mom.

So on those days, those horrible no good very bad days, those days when I think I cannot go another step. Those days when I overanalyze  every decision I am making or have made. Those days when I feel so overwhelmed and sad. Those days when I look into the innocent eyes of my child and wonder if im enough for him. I remember Gods promises on those days, and although sometimes He may give me more than I can handle, He never gives more than He can handle. On those days I cast my cares on Him because only He can give me rest.

So if your anything like me then those days wont go away, but remember where your help comes from. Let Him fill you with His peace. He entrusted you, but you dont walk alone. You have the creator of the universe on your side so what do you have to fear. Remember that on those days. 

Setting the record straight.

 I wanna set the record straight about something that I think gets misconstrued about our family. So Ill just get to it....

We did not set out to adopt a child with special needs. There I said it and it sounds harsh and wrong doesn't it, and yet when you thought we did set out to adopt a child with special needs we heard things like " You all are so special" " Bless yall" " It takes special people" " You all are a God send" "I could never do that" "You all are awesome" etc etc. Let me say we appreciate all the kind words and im not out to be hateful or condescending. However I dont want to be put on a pedestal and heres why.

We didnt choose this. We set out on a journey to find our child. We started the adoption process with hopes and dreams of a healthy happy child.

and yet God had other plans.

It wasnt our plans. We fought it at first. This couldnt be real I keep thinking. I must be hearing God wrong. I couldnt parent a child with Down Syndrome. Seriously I couldnt. And guess what I wouldnt. I wasnt gonna do it. As a matter of fact we filled out paperwork stating what we were open to and to this day our paperwork is somewhere with my handwriting with a big fat no written next to Down Syndrome.

And yet this angel calls me Mama.

And guess what I can do it. I can teach him. I can nourish him.I can fight for him.  I can most definitely love him. I can parent a child with Down Syndrome.

Many people set out on there adoption journey seeking a child with special needs, and that is simply amazing. Those people are God sends. They deserve the pedestal.

However I am setting the record straight that we did not. I want the world to hear our story because it is a story about listening to God and no matter how fearful and unsettling His plan may seem trusting Him and following Him. He may lead you somewhere you dont wanna go, Call you to something you think you cant do.

But you can do it. 

 And you may end up being blown away at how perfect His plan is. You may realize daily just how much you would have missed out on had you stuck to your guns and went your own way and not Gods way.

I am thankful God changed our minds. I am thankful we broke down and listened to Him. I am thankful he calls us to do hard things sometimes, but He always makes a way for us. I am thankful my son has Down Syndrome. Even though I didnt choose for him too.

So when you find out my son has Down Syndrome and when you find out he is adopted, dont be so quick to think we are fearless saints with amazing bravery. Dont be so quick to think we didnt grieve the loss of the idea of a child the world sees as " perfect".

But also Dont be so quick to think we dont love him just the way he is. . Dont be so quick to underestimate him. Dont be so quick to think we would take the extra chromosome away. Dont be so quick to think we dont see him as "perfect" no matter what the World sees or says. Dont be so quick to think we didnt get our healthy and happy child just like we wanted.

Dont be so quick to think we wouldnt choose him a million times again

9 years

   I remember saying those words like it was yesterday, " I am done with love!" After so much heartbreak and effort I was exhausted and completely finished with guys. Thats when it happened. I received a message that changed everything.

I called my best friend and said " Girl, you are never gonna believe who asked me out!!!" Who??? "Jeremy Malone!!" ( I grew up with Jeremy at church. I cant remember a time I didnt know him.) My friend begins laughing, then silence filled the phone. Oh my gosh did you say yes??? She said. I laughed and said "Yeah why not." After all what would one night hurt, seeing one movie.  

But oh it turned out to be so much more and Ya'll I wasnt done with love after all. 

Every wall I had put up he slowly broke each one down. It wasn't easy and yet loving him required no effort. 

After only 8 months of dating on and off  Jeremy asked me to be his wife. I said yes and 2 months later we said I do.

  Life hasnt always been easy. Marriage is not all rainbows and sunshine, because in order to get the rainbow you gotta make it through the rain. As a couple we have weathered many storms and seen some incredible rainbows.  This past year our lives drastically changed when we welcomed our sweet Connor Thaddeus into our lives. 

 Becoming parents wasn't easy for us. It may have very well been our biggest storm, but oh the rainbow we have now.

9 years have gone by so fast!!  I am thankful for a hard working man who loves me unconditionally, who helps me raise a incredible son, stands with me through all the storms thrown our way,  and has helped me  build a unbelievably beautiful life.  

I love you Jeremy!!! Thank you for choosing to spend forever with me!!!

I don't get to decide...

   I have decided to address a question I get alot.  Do you want more kids?? Are you gonna try to have a baby?? Are you gonna adopt again?? Connor needs a sister. Connor needs a brother.

You wouldnt believe how many times I get these things said to me, so here is my answer.

   Do I want more children??  Absolutely!! I want Connor to know the joys of siblings. Do I want another child this minute? No. Honestly I dont feel ready. Connor spent the first few months of his life with a foster family and he was not the only child there. He then moved to the orphanage with many other children, So I really want him to have some one on one time.  Do I want to try to conceive biologically?? I'm not against it and yet the thought of feeling that heartbreak again month after month leaves me feeling nothing but dread, honestly I would rather adopt again where I know that there is a baby at the end of the tunnel so to speak .  Connor does not need a brother or sister, Do I wanna give him siblings yes absolutely, but I wouldnt say he needs them.

To be 100% honest I would have started the adoption process again immediately after finalizing Connors adoption. After all it took 21 months from start to when we traveled to get Connor so in my mind yeah in two years we will be ready. However right now at this moment he needs my attention, he needs my love, he needs the focus. Does that mean if I were to conceive I wouldnt be elated, of course not. I would be completely overjoyed, but that dont mean im ready to try to add to our family biologically.

Lets look at the bigger picture here. God called us to adopt Connor. He literally provided every penny. What do I mean by that,?? I mean we had 0 money saved for the adoption and yet today we are in zero debt from the adoption. Not because were awesome, but because Our God is!!! Every step He led the way and things worked out perfectly. Because it was His will, It was His plan.

So I dont get to decide. Oh sure we could start the adoption process again tomorrow, but if its not His will for us then it will only lead to struggle and heartache. We know this, we realize this. So I can say confidently that I dont get to decide. I will not do it, unless its God will because I know it will all fall apart without Him.

Do I pray for a bigger family?? Yes. I asked God to grow our family daily. However if He doesn't im content. I have a wonderful  husband and a incredible son and if thats all for me then I am overjoyed with my life.

So right now  I am loving on Connor and giving him the focus and I am waiting on the Lord. I am seeking Him and following his lead. He led me to my first child and If another is in my future He will lead me to them as well.

So the ultimate answer is I am waiting to see myself because I dont get to decide.

She came at the perfect time.

 I wasn't there the day you were born. The moment they said "Its a boy." I didn't hear your first cries. I didn't see you roll over for the first time. The first time you smiled it wasn't at me. I didn't see your first steps. I didn't stay up with you through sleepless nights when you were cutting your first tooth. I missed alot, but that doesn't mean I'm any less your mother.

I  missed alot, and yet I have to believe that I came at the perfect time. I didnt rush in like a super hero at your darkest hour. You werent distressed, as a matter of fact you were happy, very happy. You had a family at the orphanage. You were deeply loved and you loved them deeply too. I didnt rescue you from a horrible situation, because you had a good life. You had your every need met. You received therapy. You were surrounded by children. You had toys, your own bed, you were doing good.

And yet you had no mom. Something that is crucial to a child, You didnt know any different, but you needed me. You needed me, and I came.

And as long as I'm living I'll always come.

I missed the first cry, but I will come when you cry now.

I missed hearing "Its a boy", but when I'm asked if I have children I proudly say yes a boy.

Those milestones I missed I can never get those back, but now we clap, cheer, and have dance parties each time you hit a new milestone. And each time I think my heart will explode with pride.

Every night I read you your bible stories, and I say your bedtime prayers, I tuck you in and I think to myself I am so glad I'm not missing this.

Every morning I wake you to see your cheerful smile, and its me your smiling up at.

I don't know why I had to miss so much, but I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time.

Because you came to me at the perfect time.

I was falling apart. I was struggling. I was lost. Thats when you came. When everything was falling apart thats when God said I have a plan, follow me.  You were his plan. You were my happy ending.

And suddenly I wasnt lost anymore.  Because I had everything I ever wanted.

I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time, because you came to me at the perfect time.  You have so many toys, not just your own bed, but your own room your needs are met. And now you have me, your mom.  Someone who was missing for so long, and yet  I hope someday you can look back and say  she came at the perfect time.

I love you Connor Thaddeus Malone, and even though I missed your beginning I was always your mom, even before our perfect time.

When a stranger really saw my son/

    I had a moment a few nights ago where someone I didnt know came up and said "He is beautiful, I have been watching him all night, Could I hold him." While normally this would be creepy. I instantly knew this person got it. This person saw my son, I mean really saw him. My guy realized it to because he openly welcomed this stranger with arms stretched out and a sweet smile. He laid his head on his shoulder and smiled and giggled while making eye contact with me. Its like he knew, He knew that this person saw him.

   It happened at a Easter play. I didnt know that as I sat with my little man in my lap we were being watched. He was touching someones heart just by being himself, just by being there. I briefly shared our story, through a joy filled heart because I knew. I knew this tiny soul who means everything to me had reached someone else without doing anything. This person has a adopted child with special needs as well. We quickly shared about our little loves. We talked about the joy far outweighing the struggles.

Its amazing how you can connect with a stranger and they can get you without hearing your entire story, and yet somehow they know. They know you struggle, they know the hurt, they know you are stretched very thin most days, and yet they know the overwhelming joy, they know the triumphs with each new milestone, they know the joyful bliss.  I watched in awe as this stranger snuggled my son. As my sweetie welcome his love so eagerly.

Ill never forget that moment. The moment someone saw Connor, really saw him. When a stranger saw and admired the asset my son is to the kingdom. When He saw the true blessing he held in his arms. When after only knowing us for a few moments recognized all that my child with Down syndrome is. When he loved him for him and not felt pity or grief  toward him.

It came after a hard week. It came after a week of feeling like I was being stretched entirely too thin. It came when I was tired and weary. It came at the perfect time, because thats how God works. He knows what we need and when we need it. He knew I needed that stranger to see us. Someone who knew me for only moments saw what sometimes those close to me miss.  Someone who shared my highs and lows without even really knowing us.

I am forever changed because of a moment when a stranger really saw my son.