Clinging to Jesus in this season

  Tonight I got on my knees in my prayer closet and I begged God to heal Connor. I begged Him to steady his breathing, to take the cough away, to rid him of the fever, to stop the runny nose,  to take away the horrible diaper rash and swelling, and to keep his lungs clear of any fluid. Of course alot of my prayer was just sobs, but God knows our hearts even when all we can vocalize are the tears.

I was taken back to one of the first songs I remember singing in Church it starts out

"God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes."

At the time when I sang those words I was crying out to God and had been for years for a baby. It was my hearts desire. Being a mother was such a deep longing I had and tonight as I begged God  to heal my son through tears in the dead of night I was reminded of how faithful our God is.

I was taken back to being in Hong Kong when I met my beautiful son after two years of paperwork, and tears and yet he was so unattached to me and even unwilling to give me a chance to love him. I begged everyone to pray and one night as I was so discouraged and overwhelmed I received a message from a dear friend of mine with these lyrics attached.

You are peace
You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true
You are true
Even in my wandering

You are joy
You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life
You are life
In you death has lost its sting

And yet again God was so faithful because that very day Connor let me lift him from the crib after he woke from a nap and snuggled in my arms.  From that moment on He knew I was mama and although it took him time to love me back it was the beginning steps of him receiving my love without resistance. 

Throughout all my years of begging for a child, throughout the adoption Journey God was there and He always helped us through. 

And this season of sickness is no different.

I dont know why Connor cant get well. I dont know why it has been one thing after another for almost 9 weeks now. But what I do know is God has been here all along. He has trusted us with this precious boy. He is carrying us through it when we cant carry ourselves anymore. He hears this mamas sobs and He has been my peace when the fear has been crippling. 

He was faithful yesterday and He'll be faithful today and tomorrow.  We are putting our trust in Him and His plan. We are clinging to Jesus during this season and believing that this too shall pass. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1