It doesn’t matter if you know it in your heart, hearing those words will still cut you like a knife. Leaving you breathless and in shock even though you truly already knew.
Today Connor had his well child visit. I went with my notes tucked in the diaper bag and gave much thought to the list of concerns and comments I was given to fill out. I didn’t hold back. I asked it all even the questions I thought were silly. I didn’t cry (last time I sobbed) I was firm, I was sure, I was a warrior. Even the bottom of the page that said any other comments had my handwriting in it. I asked it all! I left with my heart completely laid out on the table. I asked for labs, I asked for specific test. I was very vocal which is very unlike myself. I held my guy down along with two other nurses while he recieved his shots and I kissed his head and told him he was probably terrifying the other children. If you heard screams like someone was cutting a child open right there in the doctors office, that was us, no worries he survived (and never shed a single tear might I add.) So off to the hospital we headed and it was a weird feeling, the feeling of knowing all heck was about to break lose and yet being relieved that a lot of questions were about to be answered. At the hospital we got the labs and let me first say I have experienced a lot with my sons I’ve held him down while they ran tubes down his nose , specifically the time the nurse pushed to far and he choked as the tube went down his throat. I’ve held him after countless surgery including the worst when he cried pure blood tears and refused to open his eyes for 24 hours. I’ve sang him lullaby’s and told him everything was gonna be fine, even when I had no idea if that was true. I’ve done a lot of hard stuff, but y’all today. Today tore me in two. So I’m holding him for labs, he’s in my lap facing out and I’m pinning one arm down. Three nurses are in the room (I told them ahead of time to get plenty of back up) He screamed like the worst scream of pain I have ever heard come out of his tiny body! And my heart broke, but y’all I didn’t know the half of the emotional pain yet because then he twisted so he could look up at me and while he screamed with tears streaming down his face he locked eyes with me and I’m certain without words he was saying “mama make them stop.” “Mama help me” Mama why aren’t you doing anything” Mama they are hurting me” Mama please”. Y’all I was so broken. I wanted to break down, I’m not talking a few tears I quickly wipe away. I’m talking a ugly face weeping fest. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would flat out terrify him if he saw me getting upset. So I kissed his head and held him tight (had no choice there he was fighting us all) and I told him that they were almost done and everything was ok that mama had him.
The doctors say all labs came back fine. His thyroid is functioning properly. His kidney function is good. He has no infections, but that he is not growing. He is falling further behind and he was already very behind to begin with. His weight has been a concern since day one, but now his height is a concern. Little to no growth and as happy as I am that today’s results came back good. It is hard to not know a cause. And it’s easy to get lost in our concerns. It’s easy to let worry eat me up. Cause it’s the one thing I can’t control. We tried pedi sure. He drank them with full meals like it was nothing. We tried making his meals fatter, with butter and other ingredients. We gave him extra, we did more snack. Lots and lots of milk. We tried it all, and yet they tell me he’s not growing. Hearing failure to thrive is a punch to the gut cause I have exhausted all options.
But Today I’ve decided to make a choice. A choice to let go and let God. A choice to cast my cares on Him because I know He cares for me.
So today I made my little boy a promise that no matter what mamas got him, and a reminder not to worry about a thing because God’s got us both. A reminder that Gods been with him since his first breath. Sheltering him through all the storms he’s already faced and this is just another storm and not to be afraid cause mama will dance with him in the rain, and just when we least expect it, just when all hope seems lost we believe that God will send a rainbow. Cause that's exactly what happen when God sent me you, sweet boy.
John 16:33
Failure to Thrive.
Today Connor had his well child visit. I went with my notes tucked in the diaper bag and gave much thought to the list of concerns and comments I was given to fill out. I didn’t hold back. I asked it all even the questions I thought were silly. I didn’t cry (last time I sobbed) I was firm, I was sure, I was a warrior. Even the bottom of the page that said any other comments had my handwriting in it. I asked it all! I left with my heart completely laid out on the table. I asked for labs, I asked for specific test. I was very vocal which is very unlike myself. I held my guy down along with two other nurses while he recieved his shots and I kissed his head and told him he was probably terrifying the other children. If you heard screams like someone was cutting a child open right there in the doctors office, that was us, no worries he survived (and never shed a single tear might I add.) So off to the hospital we headed and it was a weird feeling, the feeling of knowing all heck was about to break lose and yet being relieved that a lot of questions were about to be answered. At the hospital we got the labs and let me first say I have experienced a lot with my sons I’ve held him down while they ran tubes down his nose , specifically the time the nurse pushed to far and he choked as the tube went down his throat. I’ve held him after countless surgery including the worst when he cried pure blood tears and refused to open his eyes for 24 hours. I’ve sang him lullaby’s and told him everything was gonna be fine, even when I had no idea if that was true. I’ve done a lot of hard stuff, but y’all today. Today tore me in two. So I’m holding him for labs, he’s in my lap facing out and I’m pinning one arm down. Three nurses are in the room (I told them ahead of time to get plenty of back up) He screamed like the worst scream of pain I have ever heard come out of his tiny body! And my heart broke, but y’all I didn’t know the half of the emotional pain yet because then he twisted so he could look up at me and while he screamed with tears streaming down his face he locked eyes with me and I’m certain without words he was saying “mama make them stop.” “Mama help me” Mama why aren’t you doing anything” Mama they are hurting me” Mama please”. Y’all I was so broken. I wanted to break down, I’m not talking a few tears I quickly wipe away. I’m talking a ugly face weeping fest. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would flat out terrify him if he saw me getting upset. So I kissed his head and held him tight (had no choice there he was fighting us all) and I told him that they were almost done and everything was ok that mama had him.
The doctors say all labs came back fine. His thyroid is functioning properly. His kidney function is good. He has no infections, but that he is not growing. He is falling further behind and he was already very behind to begin with. His weight has been a concern since day one, but now his height is a concern. Little to no growth and as happy as I am that today’s results came back good. It is hard to not know a cause. And it’s easy to get lost in our concerns. It’s easy to let worry eat me up. Cause it’s the one thing I can’t control. We tried pedi sure. He drank them with full meals like it was nothing. We tried making his meals fatter, with butter and other ingredients. We gave him extra, we did more snack. Lots and lots of milk. We tried it all, and yet they tell me he’s not growing. Hearing failure to thrive is a punch to the gut cause I have exhausted all options.
But Today I’ve decided to make a choice. A choice to let go and let God. A choice to cast my cares on Him because I know He cares for me.
So today I made my little boy a promise that no matter what mamas got him, and a reminder not to worry about a thing because God’s got us both. A reminder that Gods been with him since his first breath. Sheltering him through all the storms he’s already faced and this is just another storm and not to be afraid cause mama will dance with him in the rain, and just when we least expect it, just when all hope seems lost we believe that God will send a rainbow. Cause that's exactly what happen when God sent me you, sweet boy.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
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