I always knew you...

  I've wanted to share for awhile now, but some stories are too painful to write out. 

Calling it a story even seems wrong because the reality is it was far worse than even a nightmare and I certainly wish it wasn't your "story." 

On October 21st my Mamaw had a life altering stroke. I can't even bring myself to go into details to be honest. But I will say we lived in the pain of watching her slowly leave us until she took her last breath 2 months and 3 days later. 

There was nothing we could do. We loved her through every variation of her those 2 months. And I'll only speak for me here, but her death had nothing on the pain of watching her live those 2 months. 

She took her last breath in the early morning hours of December 24th (2025), but the mamaw we knew had left us long before then. 

In 2018 I lost my Papaw Wilcox.

In 2021 I lost my Mamaw Wilcox. 

In 2023 I lost my Dad. 

In (June of) 2025 I lost my Papaw. 

But this, this was something much harder. She was right there and yet still grieving her those 2 months changed me forever. It's a pain I can't describe and a story I couldn't tell for 4 whole months. 

And yet today I felt it was time. 

She loved us so well.

She taught us all so much. 

Living without her feel unbearable. 

A deeper kind of pain than the rest. 

Was it the struggle we watched in her mind and body for 8 excruciatingly difficult weeks? 

Was it because She was the first to hug me and share special words of encouragement for all the other losses? 

Was it because Papaw had only been gone 4 months when she had the stroke?

Was it extra bitter because she died at Christmas time?

I can't answer any of these. 

But one thing I know is this one hurts different. 

I hope you knew how loved you were Mamaw. 

I am glad your suffering is over, and yet I'd give anything to walk in and see you again whether it was a day you knew who I was or not. 

Because even on the days you didn't know me, I always knew you and that was enough. ❤️