Connor , two years ago my hands shook and my heart quivered as I took that pen. Im certain its the most important signature Ive written in my life. Ive made so many mistakes in my life, but as I wrote my name and then handed the pen to your daddy I had never felt so confident in a decision in my life. I've tried, but I dont know that I could ever adequately explain the emotions when we signed the papers that placed you in our custody.
Its funny how only 4 days earlier when we arrived in Hong Kong I was filled with such overwhelming fear that I questioned what we were doing. For a few moments I thought we had went crazy like so many had been telling us for those last 20 months, But two years later I think back and theres so many things I would tell that woman in the back of that taxi fighting back tears. I feel like If I could talk to myself that day it would go something like this.
Stephanie,
I know your afraid. You've been the picture of strong up until this moment. You have assured everyone that this is Gods plan, and yet now here you are and your greatest dream is about to be reality and now the doubts are flooding your mind. First off don't ever feel guilty or afraid to tell others about this day. Don't share the good without being honest about the bad because someone someday may be in this same spot and they need to know its completely normal to be overwhelmed to be afraid to wonder what in the world your doing even though you have planned and prepared for this day for 21 months.
You havent met him yet, but let me assure you the minute you look at your son all the doubts will disappear. And all that will remain is love. The most powerful overwhelming love you have ever felt in your life, and yet it will be unlike anything you have ever felt in your life.
And just like that you'll be changed. That woman on the plane ride over, that woman barely holding on in the taxi she will be gone. And what will remain will be a different woman, a mother.
As much as you dreamed about it. As bad as you wanted it. As much as you planned for it. It will be greater than any of it. It will be unlike anything you ever envisioned. It will be Amazing. It will be perfect.
But as much as you want to smother this child with all this pent up love you have been holding in for the last 8 years, you need to wait. Your gonna have to give him a minute to catch up., but he will come around and eventually he will know your mama, he will feel your love and one day, although you wont remember exactly when, you will realize he loves you too.
Enjoy every single second cause he is gonna grow and change so fast. He wont be the shy timid boy you met long, soon he will have a personality that is bigger than life and he will bring joy to everyone he meets. Share him. Let others enjoy him, and yet never be afraid to be firm in the fact that you are his mom.
Take pictures of everything, record too many videos and document it all. You may regret many things, but youll never regret the memories you captured to look back on.
His health issues may scare and intimidate you at first, but be confident in your natural instincts, you are mama and you will know how to take care of him.
He may not say many words, but listen to him cause he will communicate with you.
You will know and understand him better than anyone. So be his voice, be his advocate.
Others may only see how he needs you, but you'll know you equally as much need him.
You'll have dance parties, you'll make funny faces, and oh your gonna laugh. ALOT of laughter.
And then one day your gonna wonder how you ever made it without him. Cause he will be your everything and you'll be his everything too.
So dont worry Stephanie, Cause your were born to be his mother. Not a mother, HIS mother. And although you wont always see it, you got this.
Its funny how only 4 days earlier when we arrived in Hong Kong I was filled with such overwhelming fear that I questioned what we were doing. For a few moments I thought we had went crazy like so many had been telling us for those last 20 months, But two years later I think back and theres so many things I would tell that woman in the back of that taxi fighting back tears. I feel like If I could talk to myself that day it would go something like this.
Stephanie,
I know your afraid. You've been the picture of strong up until this moment. You have assured everyone that this is Gods plan, and yet now here you are and your greatest dream is about to be reality and now the doubts are flooding your mind. First off don't ever feel guilty or afraid to tell others about this day. Don't share the good without being honest about the bad because someone someday may be in this same spot and they need to know its completely normal to be overwhelmed to be afraid to wonder what in the world your doing even though you have planned and prepared for this day for 21 months.
You havent met him yet, but let me assure you the minute you look at your son all the doubts will disappear. And all that will remain is love. The most powerful overwhelming love you have ever felt in your life, and yet it will be unlike anything you have ever felt in your life.
And just like that you'll be changed. That woman on the plane ride over, that woman barely holding on in the taxi she will be gone. And what will remain will be a different woman, a mother.
As much as you dreamed about it. As bad as you wanted it. As much as you planned for it. It will be greater than any of it. It will be unlike anything you ever envisioned. It will be Amazing. It will be perfect.
But as much as you want to smother this child with all this pent up love you have been holding in for the last 8 years, you need to wait. Your gonna have to give him a minute to catch up., but he will come around and eventually he will know your mama, he will feel your love and one day, although you wont remember exactly when, you will realize he loves you too.
Enjoy every single second cause he is gonna grow and change so fast. He wont be the shy timid boy you met long, soon he will have a personality that is bigger than life and he will bring joy to everyone he meets. Share him. Let others enjoy him, and yet never be afraid to be firm in the fact that you are his mom.
Take pictures of everything, record too many videos and document it all. You may regret many things, but youll never regret the memories you captured to look back on.
His health issues may scare and intimidate you at first, but be confident in your natural instincts, you are mama and you will know how to take care of him.
He may not say many words, but listen to him cause he will communicate with you.
You will know and understand him better than anyone. So be his voice, be his advocate.
Others may only see how he needs you, but you'll know you equally as much need him.
You'll have dance parties, you'll make funny faces, and oh your gonna laugh. ALOT of laughter.
And then one day your gonna wonder how you ever made it without him. Cause he will be your everything and you'll be his everything too.
So dont worry Stephanie, Cause your were born to be his mother. Not a mother, HIS mother. And although you wont always see it, you got this.
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