Im not sure where to start. I have a millions things I want to say, and honestly about a million I'm not allowed to say.
I never spoke much about becoming a foster parent. Mainly to keep myself from blurring the lines and getting myself in trouble. So I guess Ill start from the beginning.
In June 2023 We became licensed foster parents. I say it that way because thats when things became official as far as classes complete, home study approved, and all the other prep work.
3 weeks later in July 2023 the call came. A 2 week old baby girl. I dont have to tell how scared we were, but I know I also dont have to tell you how in love I was. She was a whooping 5Ibs of perfection and as much as I told my heart it needed to slow down I was attached practically instantly.
The months will fly by, and as much as you try not to you're reminded they are going to leave. I kept her clothes washed seems normal right No I mean I tried to keep her clothes all washed in case there was no notice because I wanted to send all I could with her. On court dates I always always asked her worker the day before is there a chance tomorrows the day. I was always reminded of the steps. What exactly would happen. How reunification works and where her case was. It should have eased my mind, but it did little to help. I sat in courtrooms scared out of my mind more times than I can count. And then of course my mind would tell me how horrible of a person I was. That reunification was the goal. That as the world likes to remind us I "signed up for this"
But the truth is you dont know till you know do ya. I knew it would be hard. But looking back I see I just didnt understand the psychological toll it can actually take. I certainly know now.
I remember when she was a few months old her being carried to me and hearing the words through tears "I cant calm her down" I took her in my arms, she was sticky hot from crying and I mean she was letting it roll arched back and everything, the moment I took her she locked eyes with me and her body relaxed I talked and patted and rocked and in what seemed like seconds she was quiet. As a mom that feeling is gold right. Your baby loves you. She is comfortable with you and in that moment she wanted you. As a foster parent All I felt was guilt. I didnt even wanna look up at the all the eyes looking at me in the room. I heard the clicking of keys on the social workers computer. Leaving no doubt she was noting this. I cried the entire way home that day, not any different from the other days. Because I felt so rotten. I hurt for all involved. But I mostly hurt for this innocent baby who rode in the back sleeping exhausted from crying for hours while I had to sit in another room knowing what she wanted was me. And feeling oh so guilty about it.
We watched and cheered for all her first. Roll, crawling, steps, words. Celebrated holidays and her first birthday. We soaked it all in and definitely lived each moment like it might be our last. I documented it all in a notebook never meant for me. And it all certainly takes a toll emotionally. You ever tucked a baby in at night like you have for over a year and yet wondered if it was the last bedtime. Looked at them in the backseat and wondered if that carseat will be empty and a painful reminder tomorrow. I have.
So when I tell you reunification was always the goal it ALWAYS was until after 16 months it wasnt.
And of course I have to skip over much of the rest. But in February 2025 We officially became a family. And we felt nothing but bliss and lived happily ever after!!
Except that's far from true. Half the world thinks I'm a saint and the other half thinks I stole a baby. (neither are true by the way) Because the truth is its much more complicated than that. We are elated beyond belief dont get me wrong. We have loved her and have always treated her like our daughter We should just ride off into the sunset now right?? I thought so too, But what I didn't realize is since Id been holding my breath for 19 months I would have to learn to breathe again. I had to learn to relax. I cant tell you how many times I've almost picked up the phone to ask her worker a question before making a decision and then reminding myself oh I dont have to do that. Life as we knew it for 19 months is completely changed. No more check ins, no more asking permission, no more visits, no more calls. I am slowly doing better adjusting to this new world, but it wasnt easy. Which sounds utterly ridiculous to me too. But if Im gonna tell you the truth Ill tell you all of it. I still am learning to breathe. I went by the DCS office last week like literally just drove by and was shocked at the physical reaction I had. Its gonna be a process. Its gonna take time.
Im constantly thinking of the future. The one I never had to think about before because I never thought we'd have. How do I even begin to go about telling her her story. How to I articulate the truth when it feels oh so complicated to even me. And the answer ive come to is Ill do what I've done since the moment they placed her in my arms I'm gonna do my best. It wont be perfect because I'm certainly not. But We will always tell her the truth. We will always be (age appropriately) honest with her.
My hope is that she takes the seemingly broken parts of her past and finds how to use them for good. That she breaks generational holds. That she finds the absolute beauty in who she and is always proud. And is confident in all she will do and can do. That she never lets her past define her and yet also never shys away from her story. That she will hold her head high and know despite all she went through and overcame God wrote her story and His plans are for her good.
We were just lucky enough to be a piece God wove into her story the truth is She is HIS, and from her first breath HE carried her and if she'll allow HIM he always will.
I Love you forever, Jayda.
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