Here I am, send me

   Most of you know me and my story, but for those who may not I'll give you a little background.

     I married Jeremy when I was 19 years old. We always wanted a big family.  For 8 years we begged God for a family. In 2016 We walked into a orphanage and met Connor.  It was love at first sight, and I often say that moment I lifted him off the orphanage floor that day is exactly what I imagine it must be like to deliver your baby and have them laid on your chest. An indescribable feeling.

 The years went by and we were told often ( by well meaning people) watch you'll get pregnant now.

 But we didnt.

Prior to Connor we never saw a fertility doctor, but in 2021 we decided we werent getting any younger and if we wanted to pursue having a biological child we might want to seek help. I'll spare the details, but after months of test and even medication In April we received devestating news that it would literally be a miracle if we were ever to conceive. 

I received this news by phone call while at work Wiped the tears and went out and continued my day caring for and loving on kids. It was one of the hardest things Ive ever done, but " I loved on the kids God placed around me" which is important later in my story. 

" Just do IVF" I've heard probably a thousand times. What many dont realized is there are couples who medically cannot even go that route. We are one of those couples. 

Anyway obviously we were heartbroken. Yes it had been 14 years, but to finally hear those words was absolutely gut wrenching. We continued to pray. We never stopped asking God to grow our family, and NEVER stopped believing He would. 

We'd just adopt again, right? Well the first time God called us to adopt and we fully believe its a calling He places on your life. After all theres so many orphans in the world, How could it not be His plan for us to adopt again.

 We prayed, We seeked, and yet we didnt feel that tug at our heart. It was quite honestly confusing. We knew the process. We knew the steps. Yet still when we prayed about it, we felt Gods Silence. 

But of course it was His plan. We went to our previous agency and were baffled when we learned they no longer do international adoption. Ok maybe this time God wants us to adopt domestically ( from the US.) Again baffled when we learned our previous agency was no longer accepting families due to so many current families waiting Man We thought we were super comfortable with that route because we knew it so well, but ok thery arent the only adoption agency. 

I could keep going, but the short story of it is God closed door after door. And with all the doors closed finally we had no choice, but to stand still and listen.

I wanna skip back here to a conversation that God has brought to my mind countless times throughout my life, especially this past year. 

It was 2011 We were about to move to Montana to work in full time ministry ( we would be working with lots of kids.) We sat down with Derek ( Our now pastor, and had been our pastor in the past as well) We were in his pastors study in the church he was currently pastoring at the time and he said something to me that day I never forgot and has helped me more than I can explain to you throughout my life.

"Love on the children God has placed around you."

I cant tell you how much I needed to hear that and how its echoed in my mind throughout my life. 

We knew what God wanted us to do, but much like Jonah we tried to run. We came up with excuse after excuse. 

" I could never do that. It wouldnt be fair to Connor, It would break my heart." And the list goes on and on.

Still God called us. We both knew it much like when we felt called to adopt Connor. 

We were filled with fear. I told God many reasons why I couldnt do it. And then God reminded me of Moses feeling the same way. Yall know the story in Exodus. God was calling Moses to do something big and scary, and He made excuses why he couldnt do it. He told God he couldnt because his speech wasnt good. And the Lord sent him help. He said I'll send Aaron he is a good speaker. He will speak for you.  As I wrestled with what I felt like God was calling us to do in the midst of the fear and excuses God sent me help just like He did for moses with aaron.

A organization whose goal is to offer support for the very thing God was asking us to do. Two very special friends of ours from church became a part of Foster Village. Whose mission is to support foster care families. Orchestrated so prefectly, Like only He can do. God had sent our help.   

We are scared, and nervous, and about a million other emotions. And yes we are still very worried aboout Connor. But in the end I hope Connor knows that our family loved. Even if it meant being uncomfortable, even when it meant changing our entire routines, we loved for as long as we were needed, even when we knew it would potentially break our hearts. Our family is gonna love the children God places around us.  

We are currently in the process of becoming foster parents. 

 Its still scary, its gonna be hard But God has flung this door wide open and we know Hes stepping through it with us. We would certainly appreciate your prayers.

Ill close with this 

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?

And I said Here I am send me. 

Maybe Gods been closing doors all around you. Seek Him with all your heart. Hes gonna open one and when He does I hope you'll trust Him enough to walk right through it. 

2022

 How do you write a blog after being mia for 2 years.....

 How can I possibly give a update over all that happen in that amount of time.....

Not sure where to even begin. Connor is in 4th grade now! He will turn 10 this year. Its honestly incomprehendable.

The most exciting thing is hes talking alot more. He says new words practically daily. His newest is "Thunder" Thanks to his daddy for introducing him to AC/DC and all the storms we've had lately. 

 We found out 6 months ago that hes thyroid wasnt functioning correctly, and since starting medication hes like a different kid. He is so happy, and I have to wonder how long he'd been feeling crummy. He is so much healthier too. 

He still LOVES school, and the bus. He moved to the elementary school last year, but of course in true Connor fashion transitioned incredibly. 

We bought a house 6 months ago. The move was difficult for him. He was adamant He was not going to live here. A few weeks in he started shouting "HOOOOmme" when we turned on our street. He loves it now. 

He became a citizen last year!!! The official last step finally complete. What a huge relief. 

Of course tremendous joy is often accompanied with great loss....

Mamaw Wilcox went to Heaven in November after a short battle with Covid. It was so sudden and yet the days seemed to have no end those few weeks. Its still hard to comprehend She is gone. We miss her greatly, but we are thankful for no more pain and suffering. 

It seems so cruel that life just goes on, but the days keep passing. And we must press forward with them. She'd whip us all if we were depressed and sad. 

I tried to pinpoint why I stopped blogging, and I cant recall. I guess its true life just gets busy. 

We are alive and well. Things are going really good for us and we are thankful. 

 

Halloween 2020

All about my EIGHT year old....

   Connor turned EIGHT yesterday! How is that even possible??!!!

 He has changed so much lately!!! He is mimicking everything, and saying so many new words, although not consistantly it still seems his vocabulary has expanded overnight. 

He LOVES "HUUU" ( Hulk) now, and rarely request to watch Mickey anymore. He is a HUGE Blippi fan, but can be found almost always watching Ryans World which is his latest obsession. 

He still loves bedtime, and ask to go to bed when hes tired by pretending to yawn and pointing to his room. He is still loving school most days and rarely puts up a fuss about going ( Im certain this is partly due to his love for the bus.😉) 

Like all kids he has good days and bad ( dont we all 😜) Sometimes he just flat out refuses to work, luckily that isnt always the case, and he is soooo proud when he brings home a smiley. He knows if he doesnt it means no tablet, or tv time and he doesnt even ask on the naughty days ( so stinking smart.) 

He wears DEO now! So crazy, but he ask and is it ever really too early??!! 

He stays between 34/36 pounds these days, and still LOVES to eat anything and everything. 

He wears his mask proudly, and says "MASK!" if mama forgets.

He is so sweet, and my only complaint its that hes growing WAY too fast!!

So excited to see all his adventures, and continuing to watch him blossom into this BIG boy hes becoming. 😊

He Carried me...

What If we hadnt came for you?? What if we had said no?? What if we let the fear and uncertainty win?

What If God hadnt called us?? What if we missed you....How could you not be here??

Sometimes I become overwhelmed with life. Its certainly not always easy. Hard days do come. But at the end of everyday when I turn on your night light and tuck you in and slip out of the room Im not thinking about the struggles or how hard a day it had been

Im thinking about how thankful I am to have you.

Im overwhelmed again, but this time with this powerful love.

A love that cannot be turned off.

A love that knows no bounds.

A love that fights and advocates.

A love that is your safe place on the days I really want to fall apart.

A love that cheers you on.

A love that picks you up when you fall.

A love that encourages you to try again.

A love that celebrates each milestone with the most ridiculous dance moves.

A love that cannot diminish.

A love thats a mother, your mother.

It didnt come because I carried you for 9 months.

It didnt come because I felt your kicks for 5 months.

It didnt come from one ounce of biology.

It came from a Savior who spoke to me one night when I should have been sleeping.

It came from a faithful God who knew just how to answer prayers from here to across the world with one perfect plan.

It came from a God who didnt show me the whole staircase at first, but promised me if I took a step at a time he would get me to the top.

It came because a woman who shares your biology chose to put you first and give you more than what she believed she could.

The adoption took time. We faced setbacks and countless hurdles, but the love it was instant. You didnt need to have formed in my womb. You didnt need to have my eyes or daddys hair.

You actually didnt need to do anything. Because we were coming for you.

And I cant promise you a BIG Lavish life. But I can promise you Ill always come for you. Even on the hard days. Even when we struggle. In the good times and bad Mama will come for you.

And God will come for you. Even when you push Him away. Theres no mountain He wont tear down coming after you.

Cause Hes the same. Yesterday, Today, and Forever. He moved mountain after mountain so mommy and daddy could come for you.

And if there comes a day He ask you to do something big and you cant see the whole staircase dont worry Because He will carry you.

I know because Hes carried mommy to the top before too.

Operation Rescue. ...The Story of Loki.

   My Mamaw has feral cats at her house. Feral as in you never even see them. Sometimes from a distance you might see them, but they run when they hear even the tiniest sound. That's why when we were all hanging out on the carport one weekend it was a shock when a tiny little head popped out from under her porch. We counted and there were three little kittens. They were terrified and would run back under the porch. Two white kittens and one grey kitten.

To give you some background I've begged Jeremy to get a kitten for years. I've ALWAYS loved cats. He always said no. lol

A few days went by and I couldn't get the kittens off my mind. So I made a deal with Jeremy. Let me bring them home and give me two days to attempt to tame them and find them good homes.

He agreed, but said on day 3 I would have to take them back to my mamaws if no one had taken them.

I went and bought some wet cat food and a litter scoop. We feed a few stray cats outside so we had cat food and litter boxes and litter because of Thumper ( Our Rabbit.)

I had pet carrier in tow and off to mamaws I went on a mission. IT WAS NOT EASY! I set food out and sat on top of the porch ready to grab when they came out. Not long and a white kitty poked its head out and went and began eating the food. I quietly but quickly slipped my hand between the porch rails and picked it up like its mama would. It let out high pitched screams, but I managed to get it in the carrier. Then I waited and waited. The gray one was the most skittish, rarely even poking his head out from the porch at all. So I was surprised when he ventured out next, but it wasn't food he was going for. He came  out to investigate his brothers persistant cries. I grabbed him before he knew it. He frailed, clawed, and hollered. Until I set him in the carrier. Him and his brother curled up and fell asleep. Only I didn't want them to sleep I wanted them to keep crying in hopes their brother would come investigate too. I waited for three more hours. I did not want to leave one behind, but I ended up having to. 

Home we came. They hissed when you touch them,but I didn't stop trying. I placed them in a (BIG) box in our breezeway. I had promised as part of the deal that they wouldn't come in the house. I gave them food and water and placed a litterbox in with them. I gave them some space, but would go out often and pick them up and pet them. Connor would go out and say hi to them repeatedly too. ( so stinking sweet.)

Jeremy came home from work and as soon as he held them I knew he was hooked. Next thing I knew their box was in the living room.

They were eating hard food when I took them, but I still was unsure of their age so I couldn't use flea and tick shampoo. Instead I used Dawn Dish soap which is suppose to kill fleas. I never saw any, but they needed a bath anyway.

Jeremy said since they were so scared I should keep them a few weeks before trying to find them homes. I got them kitten milk replacer which they lapped up each day as well as cat food. They used the litterbox from day one. They were a lot of fun. I just knew I would fall for the white one, but it was the grey one that got me.

They were both boys and since they would be here a couple weeks I decided to name them, LEO and LOKI.  By day 3 they would come up and sit in my lap.

I was honestly shocked. I knew we were getting super attached so I told Jeremy I thought it was time to try to find Leo a home. We agreed we would wait on Loki since he seemed to be the runt. Within a few hours Leo had a home with a friend of mine.  When Leo left Loki became super attached to us. He has to be touching one of us at all times and insist on sleeping in my lap.

I think we always knew Loki was home.
We just cannot part with him.

We were obviously concerned with Thumper. The first time he saw them he gave us his first Thump, which in case you didn't know its not a cute thing like on Bambi. Since he has really come around and is very interested in Loki. I think in time Loki might even win him over. 

What started out as a mission to rescue a few kittens and give them a better life ended with one of the better lifes being with us. 💓

Mission Accomplished.


* I've been back several times to attempt to catch the last kitten with no luck. He is a smart little feller/ or lady. Ill keep trying. 😏

Making a change...

  Heys Guys!  I know every single time I post I talk about getting on here more , and then its weeks/ months before I post again. I honestly think a lot of that is because were home right now and so I'm not having as many interactions with others. Believe it or not sometimes I have nothing to say. Haha

I have a couple things I wanna address If you know me personally and have been apart of Connors page ( Resilient Connor) on facebook than you know things are changing.

I've been super convicted for a while now about what I post about Connor. I always did it out of a good place. It was always about my love for him and as a tool to help advocate for Adoption as well as Down Syndrome. I will not be quiet, but I am taking a step back as far as posting some of the more private matters such as Medical and Development info. This is a tough decision to make. I started Resilient Connor when Connor was in the hospital and we came close to losing him. The page was a way to keep friends and family update each day on how he was doing. After that I continued sharing about specialist appointments and many other details about Connor. Over the last few weeks Ive felt compelled to stop in order to protect him and his privacy. Connor is getting older. This world is a cruel heartless place, and its time to step back a little in order to ensure hes safe. I will still be sharing about Connor of course, it just wont be as indepth info as you've seen before.

I have changed his page to A Million Moments. It will be my blog, and continue stories about our day to day life, as well as thoughts from me. Connor will still be the most talked about topic I can assure you so don't feel sad just yet. 😉

 So if your on facebook feel free to hop on over and like my page  A Million Moments. 

I think that's all I have for now guys. Ill be back soonish. 😝

Wordless Wednesday

 

Essential Season...

  For everything there is a season right.... We've all heard it, most of us even know it by heart. However when its not the "season" we want we try to  skip it, push it aside.  Me included. During our infertility, and then during our adoption journey it was a season of waiting. I didn't want that season. Personally if I'm being honest it was a horrible season We live in a hurry up and go go go world. None of us want to wait. However looking back it might have felt horrible at times, but in reality it was one of the most essential seasons of my life. I grew more in that season than I could ever even explain. I evolved into the woman I needed to be, into the mother I needed to be.  So as much as I wish I could have skipped that season it was a very  important time in my life, a essential time for the growth and change that I didn't even know I needed.

  We all are in a weird season right now. Whether were stuck home or a essential worker. Whether were staying in or going out as normal. Scared or think its a hoax.  Regardless were affected  in some way or another. I won't begin to tell you how to feel or what to do. Because to be honest I don't know how to feel myself most days, but I can tell you that you should do what is best for your family. Remember that this season will pass too. I don't know when and I don't know how, but this too shall pass.

  In the meantime maybe just maybe this season is essential.  Ask youself What can I learn during this season?? How am I growing and changing due to the situation I'm in??  How do I want to come out of this season??  What is this season teaching me??

And maybe just maybe we'll look back and see just how essential this season was for us personally. Changed from who we were before into the best version of us to accomplish the next season ahead.

** I do want to note that my heart goes out to all those who have lost loved ones during this time, and am in no way making light of this situation You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Wordless Wednesday...