Most everyone knows my story because I certainly havent kept it quiet. Some think I share too much, but if my story can help one person then I feel it was all worth being open and honest about. So once again here goes.
For 7 years I begged God for a baby. I was sad, I was mad, I sobbed, I lashed out, you name any emotion and I promise you at one time or another I was there. I spent more time than I wanna mention being so mad at God. I was furious. I couldnt wrap my mind around why a loving God would not give me the one thing I wanted so desperately. Was I being punished for my past?? I spent a whole lot of time thinking that. I must admit I thought if I just prayed harder. If I only read the bible more. The truth was God had a different plan for me to become a mother, but first I had alot of growing to do. He was working on making me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and eventually a better mother. I still dont fully understand why God hadnt laid adoption on our hearts right after we got married. I dont see why we had to spend so much time suffering through infertility, but what I do know is were better parents for it. No matter how hard that is to admit. All I know is it was 7 years of complete struggle before we felt a tug at our hearts for adoption. When I say complete struggle I mean I literally grieved every month as if I had lost someone, and yet I was grieving the fact that there was never anyone to lose.
In 2014 things began to change. I got deeper in the word, I got stronger in the faith and its then that I said ok I give up. I give up the 7 year struggle of trying so desperately to do things on my own. I surrendered my life to God and I said something I never ever dreamed I would ever say " God, if its not your plan for me to be a mother thats ok, I'll be ok." It took 7 years to get to that point, and once I got there everything changed. I often wonder if I had come to that place sooner what would have happened, but I know all things happen for a reason so I push those thoughts aside. Adoption began to be on our minds continuously in 2014. In April 2014 we stepped forward amist the doubt and fear we said ok. We surrendered to God and stepped out in faith to find and bring home our child. God made it clear from the beginning that international adoption was the way we should go. It was so scary. Especially when we were met with less than thrilled reactions, however we knew what God was saying and we did not wavier. Again I whole heartedly believe it was our 7 years of struggle that made us so strong and faithful. I cant talk about the bad reactions without also talking about the good. Mostly the excited and good came from those who knew first hand the beauty that comes from adoption. We are so thankful for the support and happiness from all those individuals. We started the homestudy process and it was difficult to say the least. During this time we were praying about what Country to adopt from. It wasnt long before we both knew God was calling us to adopt from Hong Kong, China. So we let our agency know and it was then that we were told it was a special needs only program. Up until that point we had been cruising along and its then that we slammed on the brakes. The we cants began. We dont know anything about it, we wouldnt know how to parent a " special" child. We just cant. And yet we both knew God had called us to Hong Kong so we prayed and prayed and as much as we wanted to turn back we kept going. We put one foot in front of the other even when our heads begged us to go the opposite direction. And eventually that long hard road with all the road blocks and unexpected detours led us to our son.
And isnt it amazing how God doesnt call the qualified but he qualifies the called. Let me assure you thats exactly what He did for us.
In October 2014 Not long after we we told Hong Kong is a special needs only program I began a new job. It was no big deal I saw it in the paper and applied. It all worked out by chance. I had no idea that I was about to discover Gods hand prints all over this and it was in no way by chance that I applied for "just a job in the paper". In october 2014 I began my job at Tri County Center where I work with adults with intellectual disabilities. It was yet another way God helped me grow along the way. It wasnt long before those I cants turned into we wills. We were still filled with fear and I can promise you that even in this very moment with my little love being home almost 20 months I cannot make it through a day without Jesus. I am still often filled with fear and doubt and even if some days those I cants try to sneak in I know that I will because I would walk through fire for my child. I can now see the hard road that led us to him even when it was the road of infertility was used to qualify us. Every moment was to help us grow into the parents who this sweet boy would need, and even in those first 7 years when I didnt feel God very near I now can look back and see his fingerprints on every single day.
I can parent a child with Down syndrome. I can take a deep breath and hold the king of kings hand through all those tough moments in life because he qualified me. Maybe your deep in the infertility struggle or maybe its some other dark place your in, wherever you are right now maybe this season of struggle is refining you. Maybe God is helping you grow into someone your gonna need yourself to be in the future. Maybe, just maybe God is working on qualifying you for something great. Thats what He did for me. It was a difficult road, but a road I would choose again because it made me ready to be my sons mama. He needed a mama who had some scars so she would truly appreciate the beauty that came after the ashes.
For 7 years I begged God for a baby. I was sad, I was mad, I sobbed, I lashed out, you name any emotion and I promise you at one time or another I was there. I spent more time than I wanna mention being so mad at God. I was furious. I couldnt wrap my mind around why a loving God would not give me the one thing I wanted so desperately. Was I being punished for my past?? I spent a whole lot of time thinking that. I must admit I thought if I just prayed harder. If I only read the bible more. The truth was God had a different plan for me to become a mother, but first I had alot of growing to do. He was working on making me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and eventually a better mother. I still dont fully understand why God hadnt laid adoption on our hearts right after we got married. I dont see why we had to spend so much time suffering through infertility, but what I do know is were better parents for it. No matter how hard that is to admit. All I know is it was 7 years of complete struggle before we felt a tug at our hearts for adoption. When I say complete struggle I mean I literally grieved every month as if I had lost someone, and yet I was grieving the fact that there was never anyone to lose.
In 2014 things began to change. I got deeper in the word, I got stronger in the faith and its then that I said ok I give up. I give up the 7 year struggle of trying so desperately to do things on my own. I surrendered my life to God and I said something I never ever dreamed I would ever say " God, if its not your plan for me to be a mother thats ok, I'll be ok." It took 7 years to get to that point, and once I got there everything changed. I often wonder if I had come to that place sooner what would have happened, but I know all things happen for a reason so I push those thoughts aside. Adoption began to be on our minds continuously in 2014. In April 2014 we stepped forward amist the doubt and fear we said ok. We surrendered to God and stepped out in faith to find and bring home our child. God made it clear from the beginning that international adoption was the way we should go. It was so scary. Especially when we were met with less than thrilled reactions, however we knew what God was saying and we did not wavier. Again I whole heartedly believe it was our 7 years of struggle that made us so strong and faithful. I cant talk about the bad reactions without also talking about the good. Mostly the excited and good came from those who knew first hand the beauty that comes from adoption. We are so thankful for the support and happiness from all those individuals. We started the homestudy process and it was difficult to say the least. During this time we were praying about what Country to adopt from. It wasnt long before we both knew God was calling us to adopt from Hong Kong, China. So we let our agency know and it was then that we were told it was a special needs only program. Up until that point we had been cruising along and its then that we slammed on the brakes. The we cants began. We dont know anything about it, we wouldnt know how to parent a " special" child. We just cant. And yet we both knew God had called us to Hong Kong so we prayed and prayed and as much as we wanted to turn back we kept going. We put one foot in front of the other even when our heads begged us to go the opposite direction. And eventually that long hard road with all the road blocks and unexpected detours led us to our son.
In October 2014 Not long after we we told Hong Kong is a special needs only program I began a new job. It was no big deal I saw it in the paper and applied. It all worked out by chance. I had no idea that I was about to discover Gods hand prints all over this and it was in no way by chance that I applied for "just a job in the paper". In october 2014 I began my job at Tri County Center where I work with adults with intellectual disabilities. It was yet another way God helped me grow along the way. It wasnt long before those I cants turned into we wills. We were still filled with fear and I can promise you that even in this very moment with my little love being home almost 20 months I cannot make it through a day without Jesus. I am still often filled with fear and doubt and even if some days those I cants try to sneak in I know that I will because I would walk through fire for my child. I can now see the hard road that led us to him even when it was the road of infertility was used to qualify us. Every moment was to help us grow into the parents who this sweet boy would need, and even in those first 7 years when I didnt feel God very near I now can look back and see his fingerprints on every single day.
I can parent a child with Down syndrome. I can take a deep breath and hold the king of kings hand through all those tough moments in life because he qualified me. Maybe your deep in the infertility struggle or maybe its some other dark place your in, wherever you are right now maybe this season of struggle is refining you. Maybe God is helping you grow into someone your gonna need yourself to be in the future. Maybe, just maybe God is working on qualifying you for something great. Thats what He did for me. It was a difficult road, but a road I would choose again because it made me ready to be my sons mama. He needed a mama who had some scars so she would truly appreciate the beauty that came after the ashes.
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