She came at the perfect time.

 I wasn't there the day you were born. The moment they said "Its a boy." I didn't hear your first cries. I didn't see you roll over for the first time. The first time you smiled it wasn't at me. I didn't see your first steps. I didn't stay up with you through sleepless nights when you were cutting your first tooth. I missed alot, but that doesn't mean I'm any less your mother.

I  missed alot, and yet I have to believe that I came at the perfect time. I didnt rush in like a super hero at your darkest hour. You werent distressed, as a matter of fact you were happy, very happy. You had a family at the orphanage. You were deeply loved and you loved them deeply too. I didnt rescue you from a horrible situation, because you had a good life. You had your every need met. You received therapy. You were surrounded by children. You had toys, your own bed, you were doing good.

And yet you had no mom. Something that is crucial to a child, You didnt know any different, but you needed me. You needed me, and I came.

And as long as I'm living I'll always come.

I missed the first cry, but I will come when you cry now.

I missed hearing "Its a boy", but when I'm asked if I have children I proudly say yes a boy.

Those milestones I missed I can never get those back, but now we clap, cheer, and have dance parties each time you hit a new milestone. And each time I think my heart will explode with pride.

Every night I read you your bible stories, and I say your bedtime prayers, I tuck you in and I think to myself I am so glad I'm not missing this.

Every morning I wake you to see your cheerful smile, and its me your smiling up at.

I don't know why I had to miss so much, but I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time.

Because you came to me at the perfect time.

I was falling apart. I was struggling. I was lost. Thats when you came. When everything was falling apart thats when God said I have a plan, follow me.  You were his plan. You were my happy ending.

And suddenly I wasnt lost anymore.  Because I had everything I ever wanted.

I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time, because you came to me at the perfect time.  You have so many toys, not just your own bed, but your own room your needs are met. And now you have me, your mom.  Someone who was missing for so long, and yet  I hope someday you can look back and say  she came at the perfect time.

I love you Connor Thaddeus Malone, and even though I missed your beginning I was always your mom, even before our perfect time.

When a stranger really saw my son/

    I had a moment a few nights ago where someone I didnt know came up and said "He is beautiful, I have been watching him all night, Could I hold him." While normally this would be creepy. I instantly knew this person got it. This person saw my son, I mean really saw him. My guy realized it to because he openly welcomed this stranger with arms stretched out and a sweet smile. He laid his head on his shoulder and smiled and giggled while making eye contact with me. Its like he knew, He knew that this person saw him.

   It happened at a Easter play. I didnt know that as I sat with my little man in my lap we were being watched. He was touching someones heart just by being himself, just by being there. I briefly shared our story, through a joy filled heart because I knew. I knew this tiny soul who means everything to me had reached someone else without doing anything. This person has a adopted child with special needs as well. We quickly shared about our little loves. We talked about the joy far outweighing the struggles.

Its amazing how you can connect with a stranger and they can get you without hearing your entire story, and yet somehow they know. They know you struggle, they know the hurt, they know you are stretched very thin most days, and yet they know the overwhelming joy, they know the triumphs with each new milestone, they know the joyful bliss.  I watched in awe as this stranger snuggled my son. As my sweetie welcome his love so eagerly.

Ill never forget that moment. The moment someone saw Connor, really saw him. When a stranger saw and admired the asset my son is to the kingdom. When He saw the true blessing he held in his arms. When after only knowing us for a few moments recognized all that my child with Down syndrome is. When he loved him for him and not felt pity or grief  toward him.

It came after a hard week. It came after a week of feeling like I was being stretched entirely too thin. It came when I was tired and weary. It came at the perfect time, because thats how God works. He knows what we need and when we need it. He knew I needed that stranger to see us. Someone who knew me for only moments saw what sometimes those close to me miss.  Someone who shared my highs and lows without even really knowing us.

I am forever changed because of a moment when a stranger really saw my son. 

You changed everything!

Do you know that you changed everything??

First it was just us.

 We were so happy!

 The years went by and everything was perfect, but we knew something was missing.

So we started on a journey to find you.

Before we knew you we loved you.

 We couldnt wait to meet you and we knew things would change, but didnt know how much.

We left home the same.

  But we came back different, we came back changed. We came back with a piece we had been missing for so long. We came back with you. 

 You changed everything!

We never knew how much we were missing.

You were the missing piece. You were the one we longed for. You were the one we needed. You were the one we loved. It was all about you. 

You make us happier. You make us braver. You make us wiser. You make us stronger. You make us better just because your you. 

You changed everything for the better!

Are you scared of the future??

Are you Scared of the Future??


There has never been a tougher question for me to answer. Honestly I dont even know how to truly answer because no matter what I say I feel like someone will look down on me for even thinking such thoughts.

I am scared of the future.

I know that may come as a shock since we chose this life. We chose to adopt Connor. We chose to parent a child with Down Syndrome.

 However that doesnt mean we dont feel fear.  So many questions that no one can answer and only time will tell. We all know that the unknown is scary so why is it so hard to believe that special needs parents are scared of the future.

Will He read??

Will He write??

At what point will his intellectual learning stop??

Will He know he is different??

When will Mental Retardation be added to his diagnosis and medical records?? Mild?? Moderate?? Severe??
How will I handle that day??

Will he be able to do simple task like tie his shoes??

Will He speak?? Yes he can say a few words, but will He have meaningful  conversations??

Will He  always need assistance or  prompts for everyday task such as bathing??

Will he always need reminded to brush his teeth or wear his coat in the winter??

Will he display aggressive behaviors??

He loves music and to be sung to, but will he be able to sing??

Will he be picked on??

Will He be much older when he is ready to be potty trained?? Will he ever be potty trained??

Will he be made fun of??

 Who will he be?? What will he be like??

The questions fill my mind often and there are no answers. No doctor, No test, No one can tell me. Time will tell is the only answer I have. And YES its scary.

However I love him. I love him right where he is and if he never learns another thing I love him still.

 If He can never read a book to me or write his name. Ill be there reading to him and writing for him.

Ill tie his shoes if he cant, and Ill pick myself up the day Mental Retardation is added to his chart and press ahead. Ill hand him his coat as we head out the door on winter days, and Ill ask him if he remembered to brush his teeth.

Ill change his diapers when im old and gray if I need to, and Ill sing to him even if he cant sing for me. If I have to Ill block his kicks and hits and remind him to be kind.

Ill help him bathe each day and Ill talk to him, even if he cant talk back to me. Ill remind him everyday of how He is fearfully and wonderfully made and that no one has ever been as proud as I am of him.

I am scared of the future, and thats ok. That doesnt mean I love him less, and it certainly doesnt mean that I dont think im the luckiest Woman alive to be his mom. No matter what the future holds I will stand proud beside him and I will never stop believing that he is absolutely perfect just the way he is.

Your our Greatest Adventure

Have we talked lately about how cute this boy is???

He is growing so fast and it seems so surreal that he has been home 14 months!!!! It seems like yesterday that we arrived in Hong Kong and I had my first night of doubts.

We arrived in Hong Kong exhausted after a 20 hour day of  travel . We rode quietly in the taxi to our hotel as I looked out the window at all the tall buildings trying to take everything in, I became filled with fear and ill never forget that feeling or the one question that keep going through my head " What are we doing??" We can't do this. We are about to take home a child we know nothing about. This is insane. What are we doing??

Surprisingly up until that point i had been the picture of strong. Sure I had my days of tears, but I never ever doubted. I just wanted to get to the finish line, to meet my baby and bring him home, to start our lives together.  Now here I was thinking the whole thing was completely wrong. We couldnt do this.  I let a few tears fall while begging myself to hold it together. I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack which did not need to happen. So I begin to pray. I told God I knew he hadnt brought us this far to leave us now. I told Him I knew this was his plan, but that the fear was overtaking me in this moment. I told him I needed Him and I asked for a sign. A sign that would calm me, a sign that reminded me that everything was gonna be ok. Thats the moment I remember looking towards the front of the taxi and seeing those bold letter spelled out on the dash. And just like that a peace fell over me, and I knew we were here for our son and that everything was going to be ok. Those bold letters spelled out our sons last name. Which just so happened to be the cab drivers last name ( Dont worry it wasnt his  biological dad.) It was a simple sign that had been there the moment we got in the taxi and yet God knew to put us in that specific taxi. Because he knows what the future holds long before it happens. And he knew We needed this child. He knew we would mark no next to the words Down Syndrome on paperwork specifying what we were open to. He knew that our hearts would soften as we set our fears and uncertainty aside and followed him. He knew our son. He knew the joy this specific child would bring us, and yet he watched as we said no. As we let fear stand in the way of our greatest blessing in life.

How often does God watch you say no to his plan for you?? How often are you cheating yourself out of something that will bring you so much joy?? Trust Him. Trust His plan. And take heart in knowing he will be there every scary step of the way.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6 

Dont miss out on your greatest adventure,  like we almost did.

He doesnt do that!

   I wanna address something that I have heard before not specifically about my child, but about people with Down Syndrome in general. While I can't speak for everyone with Down Syndrome I can speak about Connor. So here goes...


      Connor does not Suffer from Down Syndrome. I know people who say people suffer from Down Syndrome most often just mean they have Down Syndrome, but we should be careful with our wording.

Connor is wild! He laughs, He plays, He gets mad and his biggest thing recently is to talk back ( were working on this;/ ) ( I know what your thinking he is pretty much nonverbal right now so how does he talk back, trust me he does. He yells, he gestures, I promise he back talks.) He cries, some days alot mostly when he is told no or gets in trouble. He loves music and to dance. He loves stairs, although he will pretend to be too tired to walk up them, and then if you dont want him to go up them he will go up and down them a million times without getting tired. What I can assure you he doesnt do is suffer.

He loves books and cards. He likes to color. He loves tablets/Ipads. He loves other kids, especially babies.

He has a contagious smile and brings joy to any room he is in.  He loves to eat and will let you know he is hungry by signing eat or more or when he is home by going into the pantry and bringing out what he wants. Although the other night he brought me a can of peas which i can assure you he did not want and sometimes he signs eat/more when he is bored and you know he isnt actually hungry.

He can say mama, dada, hi, bye,  nite nite, mickey mouse, and batman. However  its just babbling that he loves to do most. He loves to be sung to and knows many hand motions to songs. His favorites are "Wheels on the Bus", " This little light of mine", "Deep and Wide"," The itsy bitsy spider", " Head shoulders Knees and Toes", and the prayer song we sing before meals and at bedtime.

He loves Church and gets very excited when we arrive each sunday. He loves school, and is getting better about being friendly with those he is familiar with. However He definitely has a mind of his own and may want nothing to do with you one minute and reach for you the next,

He hits his milestones in his time and his way, and were cool with that. We push him to be his best and yet we love him right where he is. He does alot and yet there is still plenty he cannot do yet. And still I wanna shout from the mountain tops, he doesnt suffer.

He gets sick alot, and we have to take extra precautions, but still I wouldnt say he suffers. So When I hear someone say " So and So suffers from Down Syndrome" I cringe a little. Because again I cant speak for everyone, but I can say Connor does not suffer from Down Syndrome.

He has Down Syndrome. He also has ten fingers and ten toes. A big appetite, and sometimes a attitude. He is stubborn and sweet. He is caring and  yet sometimes forgets to share.  He is a social butterfly and sometimes he is content being by himself. He loves hugs and kisses, however there are times he doesnt want  to be touched  and is not afraid to let you know it.  He has a big heart and can be sensitive.

He is content, unless sick or sleepy. He loves toys, and to go places. Although he is super content to be home and at the end of the day he wants his bed and is all about his routine. He goes with the flow and does well with changes, but they do throw him off since he likes structure and things the same.

He knows his family, even if he wont say your name. He understands much more than he can verbalize. He can follow simple commands, although again he is stubborn and has a mind of his own for sure.

For the most part I bet this has sounded like I have described a child you know, aside from Down Syndrome, and guess what your absolutely right, Because were more alike than different. So Connor does alot of things, but He doesnt suffer from Down Syndrome. Its who he is, just like his heart beating. He is so much more than Down Syndrome and yet thats a part of him just like his dark eyes and black hair. Its a beautiful part just like him. Its simple and yet sometimes complicated. Down Syndrome and suffering do not belong in the same sentence in my opinion.

Connor does alot of things, but he doesnt suffer from Down Syndrome.

No one tells you that

           Everyone tells you being a mother is going to be amazing!! They tell you how indescribable a love it is. They tell you its like having your heart walk around outside your body.  They tell you all that and so much more about the wonder of motherhood.

Oh they are absolutely right!! Nothing anyone says can prepare you for how awesome it is. It is the most overwhelming feeling and the purest love you will ever know.

However its so much more too that no one mentions.  Its hard yall! No one mentions that. Its exhausting!! Somedays its overwhelmingly hard!! That doesnt mean you dont love your child. There isnt anything I would not do for Connor. I would lay down my life to protect him without a second thought. And yet still I wont deny that being a mother is so stinking hard!!!

One reason is because there is no day off. Sure they can spend the night with family and you get a little break. But lets face it you will probably spend that break cleaning up the playroom, or finally folding those mountains of clothes you have put off folding.

Another reason its so hard is you dont become a mother and all your other responsibilities vanish. No your just adding a million more responsibilities to your already full list.  Im still a wife, I still work outside the home, more laundry, more dishes, more bills. I could go on and on but you get my point.

Oh and simple task just got very much complicated. Even going to the grocery store becomes a chore with kids in tow. Wanna take a spontaneous trip, ha it takes so much planning and packing it definitely loses some of its fun factor.  The laundry will never be completely done and your house will never be 100% clean, not for long anyway.

I could keep going but I wont.

Now lets talk about the good cause it far outweighs the rest!

Your heart will never be so full!! They will bring a joy that you never knew you were missing and yet you cannot fathom how you ever lived without!

You will rejoice in each milestone! You will fight for them with a strength you never knew you possessed. You will laugh harder and more often than you ever have. You will dance, you will sing, you will baby talk, you wont care whose watching. You will change, you will bend, you will find your way, and if your anything like me you will never look back. Because you wont want to. Cause no matter how different your life looked before, no matter how much easier it was, or how much more time you had for yourself , youll now realize just how much you were missing out on.

That little face will change you forever. And you will be proud to be known as

__(insert childs name)_s____ Mom. You wont mind that you lost so much of who you were when they came along, because you will love who they make you. They make you mom and if your like me no title has ever felt so good.

So yes its hard, really hard!!! But its worth every second. You are doing something so important. You are making a difference in a life. You are someones whole world. You are raising a human being. And if your like me you'll agree that you are raising the MOST INCREDIBLE ONE ON EARTH!!!

  So nope no one tells you about the hard days, but thats because the good outweigh them by far!!!

This too shall pass, and it did.

  Hey guys I wanted to give you a quick update on Connor because I have been asked alot lately how he is doing. First let me say I am so grateful for all those who have asked and prayed throughout this season of sickness. To say it has been rough would be a  understatement. For 4 months I watched Connor struggle. I pumped antibiotics into his tiny body like the doctors said to. We went through a scary hospitalization, had at least 20 dr appointments, went to two different specialist, and have done at least a million breathing treatments.

        Most everyone knows on February 1st Connor had surgery to put tubes in his ears. It seemed the pneumonia, unknown virus, and respiratory infection were behind us. Surgery went perfect and it is unbelievable the difference we now see in Connor.

He laughs and plays and is wild 24/7. He drinks more than I have ever seen him drink.  It seems that the season of sickness is behind us finally.

I am so glad this seems to be behind us and we can move forward with our healthy happy boy again.

For awhile there were no smiles, no babbles, no playing or laughing. He just wasn't Connor anymore and it was so so scary. He was lethargic and it seemed to be a new symptom daily. He was so so sick for so so long. At one point his fever was 104 and I was so so afraid.

Today I see my sweet Connor back and if its even possible its a much happier and more joyful boy than I have ever seen. No fever, No pain, and He can finally hear clearly. My prayers for all this to pass have been answered!!

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for praying, texting, calling, and just listening. You all have been amazing and we are so grateful for the incredible support system we have.

From the doctors and staff at Covenant Pediatrics, to Sweetwater ER, to Childrens Hospital, to Dr Belmont ( ENT), to Dr Kureshi (pulmonologist) to all those who prayed. To all those who checked on us. You will never know how much you helped us through the toughest, most heartbreaking time of our life. Your care for Connor and prayers are the reason I have my smiley happy wild child sleeping snugly in his bed tonight.

Most importantly I am eternally grateful to God who never leaves us and who carried me through these incredibly bad 4 months.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.   Matthew 25:35