Words I never ever dreamed I would say...

Just when I think I could never adore you more 

 I find new ways each day that make my heart skip a beat.

I never ever ever thought I would say this, but I am glad I had to wait for you because I know that I love you so much better so much deeper because of the 7 and a 1/2 years I begged God for you.  I am not the woman  I was way back when your daddy and I got  married and I know I am a very different  and a far better mother than I would have been back then.

All mothers love their children whether they were newlywed babies, big surprise babies, or perfectly planned and prompt babies. However since I am one of the mothers who had to wait, who cried out for what felt like an eternity I have a special heart for those mamas who it didnt come easy for.  

Im not saying this is why all those Mamas had to wait or are waiting, but im speaking solely for myself when I say im thankful that we waited. Im speaking from a place of sincere honestly when I say I now realize I wasnt ready all those years. I wouldnt have appreciated every single moment the way I do now.  

I always believed that Gods plans are far better than our own, but now I have proof. I get to look into deep brown eyes that remind me daily how deep the Fathers love for us is. Not only that He would answer our prayers and allow us to be blessed with the gift of parenthood, but that He would not leave you a orphan. That from the moment you were born He placed wonderful people in your life who loved you unconditionally before we could. 

You make us smile daily when you fold your hands and want us to pray what seems like one million times a day, but its a constant reminder that while we are suppose to be guiding and teaching you, you are also teaching us. You have a genuine happiness about you that leaves me in awe. You already have a heart for Christ and as your mother I am so so incredibly proud of you for that above everything else.

And although I pray for a larger family and more children, I know that if thats not Gods will for our family then you are absolutely enough. You are enough to feel me with joy and pride for a lifetime. 

You complete us in a way we have never been completed.

You are a constant example of  Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Although I want you to always know and feel how much your daddy and I love you, I want you to know that God loves you so much more than we ever could. I want you to know that He never leaves us and He never left you. 

You were worth every second I waited and I know now that I was waiting because God knew I could love you more later. He knew that I could be a better mother. He knew that I still had a ways to go. But while I cried and begged Him for you, He smiled because He knew this day was coming. He knew that I would one day realize and say the words I never ever dreamed of saying

Im glad I had to wait for you.

I will fight for you.

        It wasn't so long ago that I fought for you. Paperwork, questions, home visits, immigration, court, the list goes on and on. I fought for you. We saved, we fundraised, we did without, we fought for you.

And then you came and we thought the fight was over.

Just this week we had some things come up at the doctor and again I fought a battle.

Its a super long complicated story ( Connor fine no worries), but you needed medicine and I fought for you.  ( You had your medicine and are now sleeping soundly in your bed.)

I won today, but I cant promise I'll always win.
But what I can promise is that I will fight for you.


The truth is the fight wont end.

For inclusion, for acceptance, for services, for citizenship, the list goes on and on

I will be there battling. I will be there holding your hand. I wont leave. I wont give up. I will fight for you no matter the outcome. I cant promise this life will be easy, but I can promise as long as im breathing you will have someone fighting for you.

Because you are worth every piece of paperwork, every meeting, every question, every hoop I need to jump through, you are worth the battle and I will fight for you.

Gods ways are not our ways

Sometimes....ok alot of times we dont understand why God allows things to happen. I am no exception although I have learned alot in the last few years.

I didnt understand why my body was broken. Why my womb was empty month after month, year after year. Why others dreams were coming true all around me and yet my arms were empty. Why God wasnt giving me the desire of my heart. I was devastated. I was crushed.

I prayed. and prayed and prayed. I felt like God wasnt listening. I felt like I was being punished for all my past mistakes. I was a mess. I was  envious of other families. I was hurt when others had surprise babies. When unwed woman became pregnant......I was so many things and yet I realize now what I was most of all was WRONG.

Gods ways are not our ways.  THEY ARE BETTER!!

 I know many  mothers  who were unwed who say there babies were their saving grace. That their surprise babies saved their lives by pulling them out of lives of addiction. That without their miracle they would not be who they are today or where they are today.


I was so wrong to judge. To question God. To have a pity party just because God hadnt let me in on his greater plan. Because in all lifes tragedies there is a bigger plan. There is a reason. Even if we never understand. Even if things never become clear.

Sometimes they do become clear. Sometimes its not the answer we were searching for and yet Gods plan and purpose for us is so much better than what we asked for. What we begged for. What we cried out for.

I prayed to become pregnant for almost 6 years before I began to understand and then my prayers began to change. God showed me that He wants the desires of our heart to be after the desires of his heart. My prayers  began to change and I began to pray that God would give me a family, not for a pregnancy. And in the mist of my prayers and cries things began to change and one day I woke up with peace and I knew that maybe it wasnt Gods plan for me to be a mother and I prayed one night and told God it was ok. ( Not that it mattered, not that God had to answer to me.) But that I knew I would be ok even if it wasnt His plan for me to be a mother. That He had given me so much and I was grateful for all He had done for me and I was sorry for questioning why He gave babies to others. I was sorry I wasted so much time and energy feeling sorry for myself.

And oh what a surprise it  was when I realized everything had been for a purpose. Everything was part of his plan.

Thats when God stepped in. Thats when my miracle came. Thats when my dreams came true. When I surrendered and made His desires become my desires. Then He gave me the desires of my heart.

His ways were far greater than mine.

Gods plan was far greater than mine because not only did my dreams come true, but a precious boy who was a orphan is not a orphan anymore.  No my womb was never filled and I never got that pregnancy I prayed so long for. And yet God gave me the desires of my heart. Not the way I wanted, but in a far greater way.

 Because Gods ways are not our ways. 

 THEY ARE BETTER!!

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Connor turns 4!!

My tiny boy turns 4!!! It's so hard to believe that my little man turned four last week!!! We celebrated with a party at the jump shack with our friends and family.  Connor had a wonderful time, and we are so grateful for everyone who came and for all Connors gifts. It was so incredible to have him here for his first birthday with us!!

God makes no mistakes.

    In April 2014 Jeremy and I set out on a journey to find our first child. Everyone thought we were crazy and obviously offered plenty of advise and their opinions. Still we knew what God had told us and we chose to not wavier from his plan.
As many as discouraged us so many more encouraged us.

We trusted that God would show us the way to our child, and through prayer and seeking Him we realized our child was in Hong Kong and was a boy.

We chose to name our son Connor ( which means much wanted.)

In October 2014 we saw a beautiful baby on the waiting list and chose to move forward in pursuing him. Another family was moving forward also and after weeks of  interview like questions  we found out the other family had been chosen. We were crushed and its then we decided we didnt want to pursue another child that another family was pursuing we wanted the one over looked, the one alone and waiting. After all its our prayer that all children would find a family.  We were heartbroken and completely crushed but we knew that God makes no mistakes and our child was still out there, waiting for us to come for them.

In December 2014 our agency worker sent us a child study of a adorable little boy whose file had just been received, he wasnt even on the waiting list yet. We looked over his info and let our agency know we would begin to pray.  We then received a reply from our worker about another little boy who had been waiting a very long time. I remember vividly this sentence "We are hopefully that childs name will find a family before the new year as he has been waiting so long." We agreed to pray about both boys and when I opened the second child study this little face greeted me.

 I have oftened wondered  how this little cutie was on the waiting for two years with  no one pursuing him. The answer I believe is that He was ours. From the beginning of time He was destined to be our son. No one else pursued him because He was already accounted for.

We let our agency know on January  11th 2015 that we wanted to move forward and pursue Thaddeus.
The next day we were told he was on "hold" for our family as they awaited our paperwork to arrive in Hong Kong.

We had lots of support but with it came lots of negativity as well. "Why would you adopt a child with Down Syndrome?" " Are you sure you can handle that?"
And yet still we clung to our faith and remembered that God makes no mistakes.

As we worked on paperwork and other steps of the adoption process we prayed and waited.  One day while looking over Thaddeus's info for about the millionth time I noticed something I hadnt before. His Birth Mother relinquished her rights on February 18th 2013. I knew then he was our child and had such peace in how God confirmed this for us. ( February 18th is my birthday.)

On July 21st 2015 it became official when we received matching approval (MA). Meaning he was ours and we just needed to finished a few more steps and in as little as 5 months could possibly be bringing our little guy home.

In August we received new photos and it was so bittersweet to see that precious face once more since we only had  the one photo of him.

 We continued working hard on all the adoption steps, and sent Connor a birthday package along with a video and picture book introducing him to his family and home.

Connor was introduced to us through the video and pictures a few days before his  3rd birthday in September and in October we received photos from that day.

 This was a big moment for me that made things so real, To see this tiny boy looking at my picture.

Finally in December 2015 we found out our travel dates would be the week of January 8th.
Nothing could compare to the overwhelming excitement we felt leading up to our travel.

We met our beautiful boy on January 11th 2016. One year to the day we let our agency know that we wanted to move forward and pursue this child.

 Nothing will ever compare to the moment we first saw him. Finally holding him in my arms was so surreal.


 I said all this to say God makes no mistakes. Adopting this child was not just something we decided to do, it was Gods plan.  This child is not just the child we picked. He was ours long before we ever knew.

 On August 1st 2016 We went to court and our little guy officially became Connor Thaddeus Malone.

 I am overwhelmed that God chose us. Two ordinary people to parent such a beautiful, smart, confident, and joyful child. I am thankful everyday that we chose to follow Christ and didnt let anyone elses opinions waver ours.   God brings beauty from ashes, He protects and care for the orphans and He makes no mistakes.

I go back.....

 Sometimes when  you come running after I have been at work all day and you have that big smile and excited look on your face to see me I go back...

I go back to the day I locked myself in the hotel bathroom and sobbed. I begged God to let you accept me. I prayed that you would learn to at least like me. I prayed for this to pass. I prayed for strength to press on each day until it did.

Sometimes when you say mama and wrap your arms around my neck.

I go back to those first days when you wouldnt let me touch you or even near you without crying

Sometimes when we pray before bedtime and you fold your little hands and wait for me to do the same.

 I go back to those days I prayed for you.

Sometimes when I tuck you in at night.

I go back to all those nights walking past your bedroom and seeing your empty bed and knowing you were so far away, and wondering when the day would come when we could finally bring you home.

Sometimes when you run in the door at school and never look back.

I go back to your first few days of school and how you cried and reach for me and I had to turn and walk away heartbroken and crying myself.

Sometimes when I give you a bath, and look around the bath tub at all the bath toys and baby washcloths.

I go back to when there wasn't any signs of a child in the house. No tear free shampoo, to when we wished there would be a day when toys filled the tub and baby wash cloths were needed.

Sometimes when I rush around in the mornings to get everything done and get to work on time.

I go back to when I longed for the rush of the mornings. For someone to wake up each morning and rush off to the babysitters.

Sometimes when  I walk through the house and see scattered toys all over the place.

I go back to when I wished so badly that someday I would have a house filled with toys to step over.

Sometimes when Daddy and I get in the floor and play with you and you laugh and smile.

I go back and I remember how afraid we were. How we werent confident about  parenting a child the world views as different. I go back to that day we marked no next to the words Down syndrome on a form asking what special needs we were open to.



Sometimes I go back over all the events and obstacles we have faced and I realized Gods fingerprints are on every part of our story. His grace and mercy has been there every step of the way.



His plan was perfect and we are amazed at how far He has brought all three of us.

I go back to how God led us directly to you and made us a family. 

I go back and am constantly in awe of our GREAT GOD!!!

I do not wish to change a thing.

What I love most about my blog is that I keep it open and honest....So lets address the elephant in the room.

Connor has Down Syndrome.

Obviously you knew this. Although I have been told that maybe he doesnt have it as bad because he doesnt look like it.

I just smile because I know people are trying to say something positive. However I know that there is no more or less you either have the third copy of the 21st chromosome or not and my little man does.

The little nose, The protruding tongue. Those are all Down syndrome traits.

And those are all things  I absolutely love about him.

Because I love him. And He comes with those features.

The question I get most often is about developmental things. And honestly I dont mind any questions you ask about Connor because lets face it everyone loves to talk about their kids, and I'm no different even if your asking tough questions.

So heres the truth.  Connor is behind, delayed developmentally compared to children without Down syndrome. The most obvious thing is his speech. Although he has become a pro at saying Mama. He doesnt say many other words. He mostly babbles like a young child would.  He has said a few other words in the last few months. ( more, da ( Daddy) amen, and I think he has said a couple words at school as well.) However the only word he says often is mama ( I know I sound super conceited right now but I seriously do not mean to be.

So for a child about to turn 4 he is very delayed in his speech. 

IT doesnt take long to watch Connor and see that he is more like a much younger child than his actual age. I know saying that may make me sound awful but i do not mean to sound that way. When we first were matched with Connor I prayed daily that God would make my son who He wanted him to be. No matter what that looked like developmentally or what that would make our future look like. This obviously is  a hard prayer to pray much less actually mean. However I genuinely mean it.

What will our future look like??
I know this is the million dollar question. And the one that I cannot answer. I could worry. I could stress out at the thought of having to care for Connor forever. I could analyze over what he will grow to be developmentally. I could ask myself why he isnt talking. I could goggle everything and make myself crazy.

However I am choosing to trust God and continue praying that same prayer. Lord make him who you want him to be.

Instead of wondering and stressing over what our future will hold and trying to come up with questions that their is no way for me to have the answers to. I choose to focus on the things I do have the answers to. What will the future hold for our family? The answers I do have.

Lots of joy.
Plenty of laughter.
Endless love
A God who will  not walk out or give up on us.
With these 4 things certain about our future what do I have to fear.

So my soon to be 4 year old doesnt have much meaningful speech, but he has the most contagious joy and can make strangers smile.

So we have no answers about who he will be or what he will be like once he is an adult. But we know God will use him.

So he may live with us forever and always need someone to care for him.The thought of him ever being away from me for any amount of time rips my heart out and it is my joy to care for him.

What do I have to fear, because I have turned it all over to the one who created the universe and gave everything  a purpose and I know He has a purpose for Connor too.

I do not fear the future and I do not stress over things out of my control. This is a choice I have to make daily. It doesnt come  natural or easy however I know God will not walk out. No matter how things turn out He will be there and He is all I need.

So I choose daily to enjoy the simple things like those sweet babbles, and that protruding tongue. Cause I know Gods got this and no matter what I can put my trust in Him because his plans are far greater than mine anyway. And I know Connor is gonna be exactly who He wants him to be. And I do not wish to change a thing.

Because He is perfect the way he is and if he never says anymore words, or needs my constant care forever thats ok because I love him. not who I hope he becomes, but exactly how God made him....extra chromosome included. :)

My Sons Birth Story

  All Moms wanna share there babies birth story and although Connor is adopted I wanna share my babys birth story too!!!

    Connor was born on September 17, 2012. He was born at 38 weeks gestation by a normal vaginal birth.  He weighed 7 pounds 2 oz. Connor was noted to have Down Syndrome at birth. ( This was a BIG shock and was not known during the pregnancy.) Connor was named Tin Yan at birth by his birth mother which means "Gift from Heaven." 

  I wont say much about Connors birth family, but I will say his mother desperately wanted to keep him. She however after almost 5 months of searching for a way made the ultimate sacrifice and showed the most selfless love by placing her beautiful baby for adoption. She knew that someone else could give him more and loved him enough to give him a better life than what she believed she could give. I admire her strength. 

Connor was placed into a foster home in January 2012. We had the pleasure while in Hong Kong to meet Connors foster mama and I can say without a doubt that he was loved and given excellent care.

She spoke at Connors farewell party about how she had prayed for this day for so long and was so thankful that Connor had found his family.

Connors birth mother relinquished her rights on February 18, 2013. Those who know me know that is my birthday and what a gift I was given that year, although I wouldnt know it for two more years I received the best birthday gift I will ever receive that year. Her heartbreaking decision would make my dreams come true.

Connor moved to Wee Care in Mothers Choice Orphanage in March 2014. 

It was a hard transition for him, but if he only knew how happy he would be there. The care and love he received was immeasurable!! He was loved and cherished so deeply and would not be the person he is today without all the workers who poured their love and time into my sweet boy. 

Connor was given Speech, physical, and occupational therapy at the orphanage.

Connor could sit on his own in March 2014. He crawled in September 2014. Stood alone in December 2014. 

 And  In June 2015 Connor began to walk on his own.  He continued to grow and grew bigger and stronger.

We were matched with Connor on July 21, 2015, and on September 11, 2015 He was first introduced to us through video and pictures.

 On January 11, 2016 we finally met Connor.

It was a wonderful day that will forever be completely indescribable for me.

We got in the floor and played music and just got to know each other.

It was a perfect day and it sure was hard to leave that night.

The next thing we knew it was time to say goodbye and it sure was so hard to take this sweet boy from the only family he had ever known.

It was a day filled with so much sadness, and yet so much happiness too.

And that is Connors story. It has some sad parts, but oh the happy parts far outweigh all the sad.  This is my sons birth story.