5 years ago....

On this day  5 years ago after much prayer and discernment from God we stepped out on a journey to adopt a child.  God made it very clear from the beginning that it wasn't actually about finding a child to adopt....it was about finding our child. And so the search began....

And it was beautiful.

 And it was hard.

And  when we found him....

 It was magical.

And as we prepared for him...

With each step it became more and more real that after 8 years of struggle we would have our dream come true at last.

Carseat!

And next thing we knew it was time.

And the first time I held him in my arms, I knew every step, every second had been for him.

And although the adoption took time, the love arrived instantly.

And from that first moment I knew I would protect him, provide for him, and love him forever.

And we've celebrated birthdays, Christmas's, and Halloweens.

 And honestly its still like a dream. I constantly cannot believe he's real. Because he is everything we ever wanted and yet hes so much more than we ever imagined.

And not everyone understood or believed but we always knew 

He was our missing piece.

Wordless Wednesday

I remember when I prayed for this....

Do you remember the days you prayed for the things you have now??

Life gets so busy and stressful and chaotic and heavy and the next thing we know we realize somewhere along the way we forgot.

Like somehow when we've had the blessing awhile it becomes less valuable. Of course we dont think that literally, but our actions sometimes paint a different picture.


I remember falling in love and marrying Jeremy.

I remember how I prayed for a Godly man who would love me despite my many flaws. That prayer was answered, and in April we will celebrate 11 years of marriage. I am so grateful to have found love at such a young age and to have literally grown up with my best friend while navigating the blissful and hard times of marriage.

And then after 8 difficult painful years another blessing came when we were blessed with our son. We had prayed, begged, and shed many tears for him in those 8 LONG years, and yet I have no doubt that he came at the perfect time. Part of the reason I know we had to wait was our son wasn't born yet. See I did not grow Connor in my womb, but another woman did. The way God orchestrated our journey to him was nothing, but a miracle. The way He protected and placed him exactly where he needed to be to grow and flourish until we could come for him. None of it is lost on me. I think about it often. The way Gods handprints are all over our adoption journey. I look back at the process and wonder how I ever got through it. The paperwork, the red tape, the travel to a foreign land and all I can figure is God carried me. Because His plans are good. Because He is good. Because of His power and grace.  He saw us crying out for a child and he saw a new mama who wanted to give her son more than she knew she could and He came up with the perfect plan. Because Hes wise and all knowing.

But Connor was three years old when he came, why did we have to continue to wait if he was born already?? Best I can figure is God knew we werent ready. We still had alot of growing and learning to do. See 6 months after we started the adoption journey God allowed me to started a job where I worked with adults with intellectual disabilities. And I cannot even explain to you how it changed me. How it prepared me. Up until that point we were uneducated, and we said no we were not open to a child with  Down Syndrome. But God in his infinite grace and wisdom changed our minds. He placed me at a job where suddenly I saw the worth of those the world sees as different.  It wasnt by chance. It was His plan. I was surrounded by so much love and good people. They cried with me the day I found out we'd been matched with Connor (I found out while at work.) My last day before I left for my FMLA and to travel to meet and bring Connor home they sang "Happy Trails". It was off key and not everyone knew the words, and yet it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I spent three years with the most incredible people Ill ever know, but seasons change and next thing I knew God said it was time to go.

And so I started another job. Surrounded by yet another group of wonderful people. And sure somedays are difficult and yet theres beauty at the same time. I am stretched and refined and changing for the better. I am learning and growing. And on the days when I feel so overwhelmed I remind myself that I prayed for this. After my interview I prayed that God would let me start this new journey, Sure it was scary and so difficult to start over, but I see Gods handprints and I know He placed me there for a purpose, just as He has my entire life.

So if your facing a new season. If your feeling unsure about change. If your holding onto something because its comfortable I urge you to let go. Let go and cling to Him. Cause He will not lead you astray. His plans though sometimes scary are ALWAYS for our good!!  And one day you'll look back with so much love and gratefulness in your heart and say I remember when I prayed for this.

I gave him a voice....

If you know us personally you know that Connor is primarily nonverbal. I know that can get confusing because he can say a few words.  This is classified as not having meaningful conversation.  Meaning he doesnt answer questions verbally/ cant tell you about his day, doesnt speak often, etc.

Connor is wonderful with gestures and knows some signs.  I fully believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. I believe in him. I do not set limitations on him.

However, I encourage him to sign and do my best to teach him the correct signs that will allow him to make his basic needs and wants known. I want to teach him to communicate these things in order to speak in ways that arent verbal in case speech doesnt come. I know that this sounds unfathomable. I should be doing everything in my power to ensure that speech does comes.

My biggest truth is I am working my hardest at something different. I work my hardest to ensure he can speak without words. I work my hardest to help him to learn other ways to communicate in the case that speech does not come.

If he speaks with words one day that is wonderful. I cannot even explain to you the joy that would bring me. The very thought of it makes me weep. However as his mother I am setting him up to win. Isnt that our job as parents? To raise our kids in such a way to give them a more successful future. Connors future is bright regardless. Its my desire to make sure I do all I can to teach him all the skills he needs to live a happy life. We all cope differently, and what works best for me is to live in such a way that this is it. That if this is all the speech that ever comes, he will be just fine.  I cope by living everyday as if the present is the future.  This may seem like im selling him short, but in reality this is ensuring he has the greatest future. That he knows that He can talk to me and doesnt even need to utter a word. If Connors speech takes off, and hes chatting with me about what he did that day and what he wants for dinner that will be a added bonus, but I am enabling him to have a voice regardless of whether I physically hear it or not.

And in case all that just came out wrong please know this. Hes in speech and his daddy and I are encouraging him to use his words. To form words and to attempt to speak, and yet I am completely comfortable in the fact that this may be it, and either way he speaks. And either way he wins. Cause he is a winner in my book yesterday, today, and forever. And no matter what hes my sweet boy and I love him right where hes at and am giving him the tools for a bright future.

 This is my biggest truth and until your in my shoes Its hard to understand. Its hard to comprehend why I would choose to live this way, but I fully believe this is how to support him and give him the most opportunities for his future. If im wrong what a blessing it will be to hear him with my ears, but if im right I gained my son being able to express himself. I gave him a means to communicate. I gave him a voice.

What if I say it wrong??

  Have you ever felt the need to speak up, but then you experience this overwhelming fear....What if  I say it wrong?? 

This is me all too often. Dont get me wrong there are times that being silent is best, but what if our story needs told. What if someone would benefit from our experience. What if not speaking up is more wrong than the fear of saying it wrong.

Its time....Time to speak.

  The first week of December we had a Hanging of the Green service at church. During one point in the service we were asked to come forward and say what we were thankful for and then hang a ornament on the Christmas tree. Many people spoke, but guess who didnt. Yep, me. And its not because I didnt have thoughts of what to say perfectly planned out in my mind, but fear won. Why because I knew I would cry and no one would probably understand me. What if someone had needed to hear my words that day. Heres what I believe I was suppose to say.

"I know that most of you know my papaw is in hospice care. I wont say that my family isnt in denial in alot of ways, but one thing we do know is that this is papaws last Christmas with us. So this year im thankful for so many things, but the one reoccurring the most is this. Im thankful that to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Im thankful that theres no Parkisons disease in Heaven, and that Papaw will soon walk beside his King."

I recently attended a birthday party and was approached by a little girl. She pointed towards Connor and said whose he here with. I told her he was with me. And she said are you his mama. I said yes I am. She then proudly stated he goes to my school. She then asked how old he was and when I said six. She loudly exclaimed HES SIX YEARS OLD?! Hes so tiny!! I smiled and said yep hes a little guy. She then said I'm six too. Im mind blown! I cant believe hes six Hes so tiny. Whys he so little?? I smiled and said hes just small.

I wish I had used that moment to tell her that He has Down Syndrome. That makes him a little different. That were all a little different and thats what makes us all so special.  I should have used that moment, but I didnt and I think about it alot. I missed a good opportunity.

When we were at Connors Orphanage in Hong Kong we sat in the middle with everyone circled around us and they asked us if we had anything to say. I had so much to say, but the words wouldnt come. I deeply regret that. Jeremy spoke though while I sobbed.

I wish so badly that I could go back in  time because I would say " Thank you! For taking such good care of him. For being his voice. For the hospital stays and doctor appointments. For all your time and efforts to give him a good life. For making him so happy. For loving him before we could."

I have so many more stories like these. Times I kept silent when I had so much to say. So I urge you to speak when you feel led to. Dont worry about crying or the words coming out wrong. Because somethings need said.

Speechless Sunday.

  So alot of people in the blogging world do wordless wednesday, basically just posting pictures with no words. So Ive come up with Speechless Sunday! Ill try to do one monthly ( at the least) and  The photos can just speak for themselves. :)