The things we don't like to talk about.... Terrible twos, Evaluations, and Why I raise Connor differently.

        My son has officially hit the terrible twos.....yes hes six this is one of those things we don't like to talk about.  Connor has changed alot this year, its evident by looking at him. He has grown so so much, but what you may not have noticed is his growth in ways besides his physical appearance.

  Connor has blossomed this year. His knowledge has expanded greatly. He is one smart dude. This year brought lots of changes. Kindergarten year is such a big year, and if your like me you don't fully understand that until you have a child in kindergarten. Its more than coloring and recess like is often joked about.

This year Connor was re-evaluated at school. Connor was first evaluated when he started PreK in 2016, he had been home about 6 weeks at the time. Some thought we were completely crazy to start him in school so early after coming home, we did this for a number of reasons and I can assure you we didnt come to the decision without much prayer and sleepless nights. One of the reasons is so therapy could continue. Connor received therapy at the Orphanage, and we felt it was a good idea to continue asap. Also we felt since his whole life had just been flipped upside down it was best to make things as close to his new normal as possible as soon as possible. This does not work for everyone so please dont get me wrong. We felt this was best for Connor. We didnt want to let him get used to spending all day with us and him get comfortable with this routine and then him start school later and him feel uncertain all over again. I honestly feel like we made the best decision ( for him) doing things this way. He absolutely loves school! I fully attribute this to it always being apart of his life ( since coming home.) 

 I went on a rabbit chase there haha back to my point. Connor was evaluated basically right after coming home. He was found to function on around a  2 year old level at that time with communication lower around a 15 month level. His primary disability was noted as developmental delay.  This was in 2016 so we knew he absolutely needed re-evaluated. He has changed so much since coming home and honestly the evaluation process is flat out amazing when it comes to seeing all the growth and change.

The evaluation process is is very thorough. I filled out a portion as well as his teacher and school psychologist.  It was noted that my findings were a little harsher. Oops, im not sure if this is the norm or not, but I attribute it to me being able to speak more freely as a oppose to others having to thread more lightly due to mama bear. LOL  Either way it was noted that "His mother reacted more negatively to his behavior." Ouch Ill be honest I cried  and felt horrible, but then I dried my eyes and assured myself it was because of what I explained above.

One of my favorite parts is the classroom observation. I think im so intrigued with it because I literally get to see what hes like inside school when mama and daddy are not around. I'll share a little of his classroom observation here to give you a inside look. :)

" When asked to line up Connor immediately went and stood in line. He waited patiently while other peers lined up. Connor was in the middle of the line."     (To my knowledge he has never been one to want to be in the front of the line.)

"Connor nonverbally requested help from one of the special education assistants. Connor wanted to hold her hand as they walked down the hall. As he walked down the hallway he motioned for the observer to hold his hand. The observer was informed that he would attempt to swing."   (Yikes, totally our fault we do swing him alot.)

" In the cafeteria Connor used nonverbal cues ( head shakes and pointing) to indicate his food selection." (I always wonder how he picked, or if they just had learned what he liked and picked for him. Pretty cool to see he makes his own decisions.)

" Connor needed assistance putting his straw in his milk, but overall he ate his food independently." (I remember when he wouldnt do this. He would literally put his arms behind his back. Way to go C!)

" It was noted that he would dump his food onto the tray and use his fingers to eat his meal. It appeared that Connor can eat under light supervision."

" Connor was observed during indoor recess in his CDC room. Connor gravitated towards spilling soft and color blocks into his head and playing with a toy dinosaur. He engaged in more isolated play but would come to an adult when he wanted attention. Connor demonstrated that he can follow classroom rules, such as, cleaning up toys with prompts."

This is why I love this part so much. After reading it I felt like I was right there with him. Other test were done during the evaluation process to get a assessment of his current functioning and skills.
 This year came with a few new behaviors from Connor. He learned the art of yelling.  :(

 He would yell at whoever asked him to do something, or when asked to stop a specific task. This is not a at school only behavior he yells at me also, this has gotten much much better though with appropriate punishment ( at home.) His teachers were wonderful about communicating with me about this so that together we could get this behavior resolved. We all sympathize with him due to knowing alot of this behavior stems from not being able to communicate his thoughts and needs Yet at the same time yelling at other is not appropriate and we stand by that as well.  Connor also began to withdraw and say no and become reluctant to do new things. A good example is he would not go with the examiner for his testing and so testing took place in the CDC room where he was comfortable. One fear of mine for Connors future is that he will not continue to grow and flourish due to his own reluctance to try new things and engage in different activities. I dont know all the answers to this, but all I can do is encourage and continue to try different things with him. All this is noted as my concerns, believe it or not im pretty vocal in these meetings. Ive done so much better this year about not crying. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with our tears, I try super hard to refrain during these meetings. Ive come along way. Up until this year there hasnt been a IEP I havent sobbed in. I now at least make it to my car and have a good cry by myself.  Its not anything anyone does or says. We have never had a bad meeting. We have never felt bullied or ganged up on. My heart goes out to those parents who have. SPS is amazing! and we are so so thankful for them and all they do for Connor.

This year after his evaluation Connor met state criteria as an intellectually disabled student. While we fully agree with this, its hard to stomach at the same time. In my opinion thats whats so hard about IEPs. Its all things you know, but to hear them out loud its difficult.  This evaluation didnt compare Connor to any specific age, its scaled very different. Connor is well below average compared to his same-aged peers.

I said all this to give you a inside look at a IEP Evaluation. To show you why we go into IEPs with a wall up in order to refrain from emotions. Its one of those things we dont like to talk about. I haven't had a bad experience and yet IEPs are hard. I know they are hard for the teachers as well, I know its difficult on everyone due to needing to be honest and yet knowing your speaking so frankly about someones whole world.

 Now back to why I say Connor has hit the terrible twos.  Connor has recently become aware of his home ( yes hes been here 3 years, but boy has he started discovering recently.) Hes into everything all of a sudden. He opens all drawers and cabinets. His need to explore has come out of nowhere. A good example is up until recently our knifes in the kitchen have remained in a specific drawer ( Connor never got into things so we felt no need to "baby proof") Knifes are now up high out of reach. He will come through the house jabbering and playing and Ill realize he has our ice cream scoop or not so innocently yesterday our pizza cutter. It doesnt seem to matter how much you remind him those things belong in drawers and are not toys. Also the word no or stop means a pouty lip and lots of tears. Or when he gets real mad it means going limp and pitching a fit.  Maybe none of this sounds like terrible twos to you, but its what I think of when I think terrible twos.

I know what others say about me. Im too strict. I make something out of everything. I wont go any further, but I know theres lots more. LOL  The reason I'm so strict and analyze everything is those two words I heard after Connors evaluation....Intellectual Disability."   Its true I raise Connor differently. I know what everyone says and your right He is more alike than different and I do long for a world that sees him as the same. A world that sees him as enough. So dont get offended and stop reading just yet, I raise him different to ensure a good future. For him. For me. For our family. Connor is growing fast, and I know the day will come when he is too much for me to physically handle. I choose to raise him in a way as if this is it. What I mean by that is if  he were to stay in the " terrible twos" forever. I need to have control. Im not one of those " Ill show you whose boss people", and yet I have to be the boss. I have to teach him that you respect adults. That you dont hit or yell. This is why I dislike "rough housing" this is why were so careful about " rough housing." What if I let it all slide now cause lets face it, it is cute now. But it wont be cute when hes towering over me and decides he doesnt like that I took the pizza cutter away from him, he doesnt like the fact that I say "no your not getting that" when were in a store. So he drops to the floor like a limp noodle, he cries and stomps his feet, or worse he hits. Sure I can handle these things now, but when hes much older and bigger little old me isnt going to deter him. Could this happen regardless of course, aggression is a real thing that comes regardless ask anyone who loves someone with special needs. But If I can keep these scenarios from happening by being a little stricter than most you can bet thats what Ill do. Cause hes a cute little boy now, but one day he'll be a man. And its coming quickly so the time is now to teach him all I can, while hes still young enough ( and literally small enough). So yes I raise him differently than most. I am super strict. Its super cute now, but my mind over analyzes cause im picturing him at 16 or 17 doing the same thing, and its far from cute its actually dangerous.

I hope all this makes sense. I know I went through a few different topics. I know im suppose to advocate and show the world (and new special need parents) that life is beautiful and they can do this even when they think they cant. That everything will be ok. That life might be different, but its just a different kind of beautiful however If im gonna do that I wanna share it all. I wanna share everything, even the things we dont like to talk about. 

Goodbye Kindergarten.....

  Today was Connors last day of Kindergarten.....how is that even possible??  Before I start crying....again.  Lets talk about all that happen this year. :)

Connor was in a new classroom this year with a new teacher ( he had the same teacher, and had been in the same classroom up until this year He started preK in 2016.) This was a big change for him, and I was nervous especially the first day I took him and he didnt even wanna go in his new room. As always he adjusted with flying colors and settled into his new routine. He loved his teacher and aides. Connor is in the CDC room, but this year he went to the ( regular) kindergarten class for a little while each day. This is HUGE and SO exciting! His teacher was so good about including him. Connor was even in the Kindergarten program and had a solo part! He played the cow who wouldnt moo, but after encouragement from his "barnyard" friends at the end he mooed. Connor did great! It was the first time he has been included in something with typical peers, and it was one of the most amazing experiences I have had this far as a mother. Ill forever cherish it and am so grateful to his music teacher for believing in him and practicing with him so much.  Connor continued speech, OT, and physical therapy this year. He did great and showed much progress in all areas. Connor also started using proloquo2go its a app he uses on the IPad to help him communicate. He did amazing with this and was able to tell his teacher his wants and needs. He caught on quickly and we are currently applying for grants in order to be able to get one for home as well. Connor also discovered the art of yelling at his teacher. :(  Luckily his teacher is very understanding and knows alot of this stems from his frustration due to not being able to communicate his wants and needs. Please pray we could get a grant to get  proloquo2go in order to help with this. Breaks my heart to know he has so much to say, and cant.  But anyway back to the positives. Connor made new friends this year! He loved riding the bus and his bus driver and bus aide.  Connor went on a field trip with his class to the zoo. Connor loved spending time in the afternoons with Mrs. Crystal till I got off from work. We are so thankful for her and how much she loves Connor. We would literally be lost without her. I dont even like calling her his babysitter because she is family in our eyes.

I know im leaving a million things out, but thats all for now. We are so proud of all Connors done and achieved this year.  Thank you to everyone at SPS for believing in him and helping him achieve so much this year. He may not have met every goal or hit every mile marker, but he grew and changed so much and its evident in all areas.  Have I mentioned were extremely proud?!

Now to enjoy our summer break and then 1st grade here we come.

He went in dancing and came out dancing. 

1st of Kindergarten 

Last day of Kindergarten 

5 years ago....

On this day  5 years ago after much prayer and discernment from God we stepped out on a journey to adopt a child.  God made it very clear from the beginning that it wasn't actually about finding a child to adopt....it was about finding our child. And so the search began....

And it was beautiful.

 And it was hard.

And  when we found him....

 It was magical.

And as we prepared for him...

With each step it became more and more real that after 8 years of struggle we would have our dream come true at last.

Carseat!

And next thing we knew it was time.

And the first time I held him in my arms, I knew every step, every second had been for him.

And although the adoption took time, the love arrived instantly.

And from that first moment I knew I would protect him, provide for him, and love him forever.

And we've celebrated birthdays, Christmas's, and Halloweens.

 And honestly its still like a dream. I constantly cannot believe he's real. Because he is everything we ever wanted and yet hes so much more than we ever imagined.

And not everyone understood or believed but we always knew 

He was our missing piece.

Wordless Wednesday

I remember when I prayed for this....

Do you remember the days you prayed for the things you have now??

Life gets so busy and stressful and chaotic and heavy and the next thing we know we realize somewhere along the way we forgot.

Like somehow when we've had the blessing awhile it becomes less valuable. Of course we dont think that literally, but our actions sometimes paint a different picture.


I remember falling in love and marrying Jeremy.

I remember how I prayed for a Godly man who would love me despite my many flaws. That prayer was answered, and in April we will celebrate 11 years of marriage. I am so grateful to have found love at such a young age and to have literally grown up with my best friend while navigating the blissful and hard times of marriage.

And then after 8 difficult painful years another blessing came when we were blessed with our son. We had prayed, begged, and shed many tears for him in those 8 LONG years, and yet I have no doubt that he came at the perfect time. Part of the reason I know we had to wait was our son wasn't born yet. See I did not grow Connor in my womb, but another woman did. The way God orchestrated our journey to him was nothing, but a miracle. The way He protected and placed him exactly where he needed to be to grow and flourish until we could come for him. None of it is lost on me. I think about it often. The way Gods handprints are all over our adoption journey. I look back at the process and wonder how I ever got through it. The paperwork, the red tape, the travel to a foreign land and all I can figure is God carried me. Because His plans are good. Because He is good. Because of His power and grace.  He saw us crying out for a child and he saw a new mama who wanted to give her son more than she knew she could and He came up with the perfect plan. Because Hes wise and all knowing.

But Connor was three years old when he came, why did we have to continue to wait if he was born already?? Best I can figure is God knew we werent ready. We still had alot of growing and learning to do. See 6 months after we started the adoption journey God allowed me to started a job where I worked with adults with intellectual disabilities. And I cannot even explain to you how it changed me. How it prepared me. Up until that point we were uneducated, and we said no we were not open to a child with  Down Syndrome. But God in his infinite grace and wisdom changed our minds. He placed me at a job where suddenly I saw the worth of those the world sees as different.  It wasnt by chance. It was His plan. I was surrounded by so much love and good people. They cried with me the day I found out we'd been matched with Connor (I found out while at work.) My last day before I left for my FMLA and to travel to meet and bring Connor home they sang "Happy Trails". It was off key and not everyone knew the words, and yet it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I spent three years with the most incredible people Ill ever know, but seasons change and next thing I knew God said it was time to go.

And so I started another job. Surrounded by yet another group of wonderful people. And sure somedays are difficult and yet theres beauty at the same time. I am stretched and refined and changing for the better. I am learning and growing. And on the days when I feel so overwhelmed I remind myself that I prayed for this. After my interview I prayed that God would let me start this new journey, Sure it was scary and so difficult to start over, but I see Gods handprints and I know He placed me there for a purpose, just as He has my entire life.

So if your facing a new season. If your feeling unsure about change. If your holding onto something because its comfortable I urge you to let go. Let go and cling to Him. Cause He will not lead you astray. His plans though sometimes scary are ALWAYS for our good!!  And one day you'll look back with so much love and gratefulness in your heart and say I remember when I prayed for this.

I gave him a voice....

If you know us personally you know that Connor is primarily nonverbal. I know that can get confusing because he can say a few words.  This is classified as not having meaningful conversation.  Meaning he doesnt answer questions verbally/ cant tell you about his day, doesnt speak often, etc.

Connor is wonderful with gestures and knows some signs.  I fully believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. I believe in him. I do not set limitations on him.

However, I encourage him to sign and do my best to teach him the correct signs that will allow him to make his basic needs and wants known. I want to teach him to communicate these things in order to speak in ways that arent verbal in case speech doesnt come. I know that this sounds unfathomable. I should be doing everything in my power to ensure that speech does comes.

My biggest truth is I am working my hardest at something different. I work my hardest to ensure he can speak without words. I work my hardest to help him to learn other ways to communicate in the case that speech does not come.

If he speaks with words one day that is wonderful. I cannot even explain to you the joy that would bring me. The very thought of it makes me weep. However as his mother I am setting him up to win. Isnt that our job as parents? To raise our kids in such a way to give them a more successful future. Connors future is bright regardless. Its my desire to make sure I do all I can to teach him all the skills he needs to live a happy life. We all cope differently, and what works best for me is to live in such a way that this is it. That if this is all the speech that ever comes, he will be just fine.  I cope by living everyday as if the present is the future.  This may seem like im selling him short, but in reality this is ensuring he has the greatest future. That he knows that He can talk to me and doesnt even need to utter a word. If Connors speech takes off, and hes chatting with me about what he did that day and what he wants for dinner that will be a added bonus, but I am enabling him to have a voice regardless of whether I physically hear it or not.

And in case all that just came out wrong please know this. Hes in speech and his daddy and I are encouraging him to use his words. To form words and to attempt to speak, and yet I am completely comfortable in the fact that this may be it, and either way he speaks. And either way he wins. Cause he is a winner in my book yesterday, today, and forever. And no matter what hes my sweet boy and I love him right where hes at and am giving him the tools for a bright future.

 This is my biggest truth and until your in my shoes Its hard to understand. Its hard to comprehend why I would choose to live this way, but I fully believe this is how to support him and give him the most opportunities for his future. If im wrong what a blessing it will be to hear him with my ears, but if im right I gained my son being able to express himself. I gave him a means to communicate. I gave him a voice.

What if I say it wrong??

  Have you ever felt the need to speak up, but then you experience this overwhelming fear....What if  I say it wrong?? 

This is me all too often. Dont get me wrong there are times that being silent is best, but what if our story needs told. What if someone would benefit from our experience. What if not speaking up is more wrong than the fear of saying it wrong.

Its time....Time to speak.

  The first week of December we had a Hanging of the Green service at church. During one point in the service we were asked to come forward and say what we were thankful for and then hang a ornament on the Christmas tree. Many people spoke, but guess who didnt. Yep, me. And its not because I didnt have thoughts of what to say perfectly planned out in my mind, but fear won. Why because I knew I would cry and no one would probably understand me. What if someone had needed to hear my words that day. Heres what I believe I was suppose to say.

"I know that most of you know my papaw is in hospice care. I wont say that my family isnt in denial in alot of ways, but one thing we do know is that this is papaws last Christmas with us. So this year im thankful for so many things, but the one reoccurring the most is this. Im thankful that to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Im thankful that theres no Parkisons disease in Heaven, and that Papaw will soon walk beside his King."

I recently attended a birthday party and was approached by a little girl. She pointed towards Connor and said whose he here with. I told her he was with me. And she said are you his mama. I said yes I am. She then proudly stated he goes to my school. She then asked how old he was and when I said six. She loudly exclaimed HES SIX YEARS OLD?! Hes so tiny!! I smiled and said yep hes a little guy. She then said I'm six too. Im mind blown! I cant believe hes six Hes so tiny. Whys he so little?? I smiled and said hes just small.

I wish I had used that moment to tell her that He has Down Syndrome. That makes him a little different. That were all a little different and thats what makes us all so special.  I should have used that moment, but I didnt and I think about it alot. I missed a good opportunity.

When we were at Connors Orphanage in Hong Kong we sat in the middle with everyone circled around us and they asked us if we had anything to say. I had so much to say, but the words wouldnt come. I deeply regret that. Jeremy spoke though while I sobbed.

I wish so badly that I could go back in  time because I would say " Thank you! For taking such good care of him. For being his voice. For the hospital stays and doctor appointments. For all your time and efforts to give him a good life. For making him so happy. For loving him before we could."

I have so many more stories like these. Times I kept silent when I had so much to say. So I urge you to speak when you feel led to. Dont worry about crying or the words coming out wrong. Because somethings need said.

Speechless Sunday.

  So alot of people in the blogging world do wordless wednesday, basically just posting pictures with no words. So Ive come up with Speechless Sunday! Ill try to do one monthly ( at the least) and  The photos can just speak for themselves. :)