What it means to be your mother....

    Connor, one year ago you were discharged from the orphanage and  we officially began our life together as a family of three. This first year with you has truly flown by and I now know what parents mean when they say dont blink. You have taught me so much this past year and I am honored to be your mother!!


  But what does it really mean to be your mother.

First off let me say its the greatest job I have ever had!!


But with it comes plenty of stress and worry.

IEP meetings, Dr appointments, specialist, Therapies, etc etc etc.

Then theres the hugs and kisses.

The sweet smiles  and giggles.

The good far outweighs the bad.

Its hard, sometimes I struggle and its ok to admit that.

However I wouldnt change a thing.

Sometimes the world thinks I have it all together and sometimes all they see is the struggles.

But what the world doesnt always see is the endless joy.

You have a joy like no other.

Even though somethings are harder for you, you never let it stop you.

You are inspirational.

Not only do you possess so much joy, but you are able to make others feel joy just by being there.

The world can learn alot from you. You have so much to offer this cruel world.

Being your mother means love, happiness, and yet its messy and tough.

It means expecting the unexpected and rolling with the punches.

Its mean sometimes we take the scenic route and thats ok.

It means milestones might take a little longer to hit, but oh the dance party we have when you hit them.

It means stares and questions and thats ok. Because we get to educate others. We get to show that Down Syndrome is not scary.

It mean we get to share our story which means we get to share Gods story too. Because without Him our story wouldnt have happened.

It means explaining that we dont always have all the answers, but we can trust God and step out in faith regardless.

It means educating others about adoption, and how its possible for a child to be just as much yours as if they were biologically.

It means showing that adoption is possible regardless of your bank account.

It means embracing the babbles, even though we pray for words.

It means  instead of me reading books to you, being hopeful that one day you'll read them to me.

It means having faith that one day together we can change the worlds mind about those with disabilities.

It means complicated, it means simple, it means tears, it means smiles, it means laughter, it means pain.

It means everything to me.

It means until there is no longer breath in my body I have the responsibility to love, protect, teach, and care for you. I dont take my job lightly and its not always easy.  But you are worth every second.

If I havent told you lately you are loved beyond belief, you are the reason I keep going each day, you are the reason I smile, the reason I feel proud, the reason life is fun, the reason I  get to see God on a daily basis, the reason I know He loves us so much, the reason I now know His plans are always for our good. The reason I believe all things really are possible with God. The reason my heart feels like its gonna overflow on a daily basis.

Thats what it mean to be your mother.

Happy Metcha day Connor!!!!

 One year ago we walked through those orphanage doors knowing you were on the other side. I could never explain what it was like to lay my eyes on you for the first time. To finally hold you in my arms.

                            

It was the best feeling to know that we would never be apart again.  You were more beautiful than we ever could have imagined and your pictures did you no justice. You were absolutely perfect in our eyes. We  were filled with such pride and although we thought we loved you before we realized that up until that moment we had never known a love so pure and unconditional. 

We are  so thankful that God allowed us to be a family.

 Happy Metcha day Connor!!! 

January 8, 2015

I still remember the day we left. I still remember how many emotions I felt. Excited, nervous,anxious, and about a million other emotions all at once.

January 8, 2015 We left to go meet and bring our son home. We left for Hong Kong. We left incomplete, and came back whole. We came back with a piece that for 21 months we worked hard for. The paperwork, the worry, the red tape, the stress. None of it mattered anymore because the moment we had dreamed about for so long would be coming true in a matter of days.

 We took one last picture of us before we met the love of our life. One last photo before we even knew what unconditional love for a child meant. Before everything about us changed. Oh yes we thought we loved him then, we thought we were parents then, but we were about to look into those dark eyes and realize we didnt know the half of it.

 We boarded the plane and had the longest flight ever! Three layovers and one flight was 16 hours on its own!!! But nothing could take away our excitement and joy.  We were going to meet and bring home our son. Something we had worked so hard for for 21 months and it was finally time.

We finally arrived and as we rode in the taxi to our hotel I snapped this photo. It was so overwhelming to know I was within minutes of my son. I was so overwhelmed by Gods goodness.

We arrived at our hotel exhausted. However it was so hard to sleep when it was day time at home.  We spent the next two days resting, and sightseeing before the big day.  

  Look for another post soon about the big meeting with our sweet Connor. 

Connor health update

  Hey guys just wanted to update you all on whats going on with Connor health wise.

He is doing AMAZING!!!

 He is playing and being wild 24/7! Of course he is still on a steroid so we are anxious to see how he does once it ends this weekend.  He is so so happy and to be honest he is acting happier and better than he has in months ( again could be partly the steroid.)

We are so thankful that Connor is doing so much better and are so ready to put these last few months behind us.

Connor will see a ENT specialist this coming week and a  pulmonary specialist ( lung specialist ) the following week. We are nervous and yet also anxious for answers. We will be scheduling a eye doctor appointment soon as Connors nystagmus has been acting up alot more lately. Which could be due to the breathing treatments. (He is doing breathing treatments every 4-6 hours and has a new medicine given as a breathing treatment morning and night that he will be on from now on. ) Nystagmus is where the eyes have uncontrolled movement. In Connors case they jerk back and forth horizontally. This normally last a few seconds, but its beginning to happen more and more often. Its not anything that seems to affect him in the slightest. He acts like nothing at all is happening. 

So that is where were at right now. We are soaking up these healthy happy moments since its been so long since we have had them. We are looking forward to celebrating our one year together this month and will be having a photo shoot this weekend so you can look forward to some new cute photos soon. 

We appreciate everyones text, phone calls, visits and most importantly prayers during Connors sickness. 

Connors says you can stop worrying about me,.

Overview of our families 2016

 Tonight 2016 ends and I am sad to see it go. What a BIG year for our family, with so many HUGE changes.

In January we traveled to Hong Kong and met our son. We brought him home and began our life as a family of three.

In February We had our first IEP Meeting and  began the process of getting Connor enrolled in PreK. Connor had several doctor appointments and his first echocardiogram ( at home.)

In March Connor had his first surgery. It was extremely difficult to leave my baby and watch the nurses carry him away. He did extremely well and its then we realized just what a tough cookie our little man is. Connor also started PreK and It was the first time I ever left him anywhere. It was a rough beginning but we adjusted and Connor quickly fell in love with school and his therapies began.

In April a even bigger adjustment came as Jeremy and I went back to work. This was very hard on Mama and Connor at first, but over time we finally got into our routine and its not the end of the world like we both thought it was in the beginning.

Then came May, June, and July. We spent time out in the sun and just enjoyed life  and continued to adjust as a new family.

In August We went to court and we adopted our sweet boy and He was declared Connor Thaddeus Malone!

In September we celebrated Connors fourth birthday ( his first birthday with us). We celebrated with a birthday party at Jumpin Shack with friends and family. Connor had a great time!

In October we enjoyed our first Halloween together. We loved getting to dress up as a family!

In November We celebrated our first Thanksgiving together. Even though Connor was sick we tried to make the best of it. However things got tough and extremely scary as we experienced Connors first ride in a ambulance and hospital stay. It was by far one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever done as I walked behind my baby strapped to a gurney and held on tight to his fire truck feetie pajamas.

In December Connor had another ER trip and more dr appointments then I can count. He just could not seem to stop getting ear infections. When He finally recovered from the ear infection, we werent out of the woods yet because Connor got a upper respiratory infection. In the mean time we celebrated our first Christmas together and had a wonderful time. Connor continues to feel cruddy, but we are hopeful the medicine will kick in soon and Connor will make a full recovery.

2016 was the best year of our lives by far!!!! We hopped on the parenthood train and held on tight, It wasnt perfect and it has been a bumpy ride, but we are so thankful that we get to experience the good and bad of parenthood. We love Connor so much and 2016 has been a incredible year for our family!!!

We cannot wait to see what 2017 holds for our family of three.

Clinging to Jesus in this season

  Tonight I got on my knees in my prayer closet and I begged God to heal Connor. I begged Him to steady his breathing, to take the cough away, to rid him of the fever, to stop the runny nose,  to take away the horrible diaper rash and swelling, and to keep his lungs clear of any fluid. Of course alot of my prayer was just sobs, but God knows our hearts even when all we can vocalize are the tears.

I was taken back to one of the first songs I remember singing in Church it starts out

"God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes."

At the time when I sang those words I was crying out to God and had been for years for a baby. It was my hearts desire. Being a mother was such a deep longing I had and tonight as I begged God  to heal my son through tears in the dead of night I was reminded of how faithful our God is.

I was taken back to being in Hong Kong when I met my beautiful son after two years of paperwork, and tears and yet he was so unattached to me and even unwilling to give me a chance to love him. I begged everyone to pray and one night as I was so discouraged and overwhelmed I received a message from a dear friend of mine with these lyrics attached.

You are peace
You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true
You are true
Even in my wandering

You are joy
You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life
You are life
In you death has lost its sting

And yet again God was so faithful because that very day Connor let me lift him from the crib after he woke from a nap and snuggled in my arms.  From that moment on He knew I was mama and although it took him time to love me back it was the beginning steps of him receiving my love without resistance. 

Throughout all my years of begging for a child, throughout the adoption Journey God was there and He always helped us through. 

And this season of sickness is no different.

I dont know why Connor cant get well. I dont know why it has been one thing after another for almost 9 weeks now. But what I do know is God has been here all along. He has trusted us with this precious boy. He is carrying us through it when we cant carry ourselves anymore. He hears this mamas sobs and He has been my peace when the fear has been crippling. 

He was faithful yesterday and He'll be faithful today and tomorrow.  We are putting our trust in Him and His plan. We are clinging to Jesus during this season and believing that this too shall pass. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 

The reason I keep him close.

 For 21 months we waited for you. Of course we had been waiting for a baby for 6 years prier to those 21 months. I longed to hold you, to know you. To be your Mama. For about the last year of our 21 month adoption journey your room was ready. Your dresser packed with clothes others had handed down, a toy box packed with toys, and your bed perfectly in place with the letters spelling Connor aligned perfectly above. I walked past your room a billion times, but something about passing it at night pierced my heart. Most nights I couldnt pass without going in and saying a prayer for you. However some nights I sat in your bedroom floor and sobbed. I asked God to keep you safe and I begged Him to let us come to you, to bring you home.

And one day God did.

And ever since that day We became inseparable. Of course I  went back to work full time, but when I am not working I can always be found with you. Because I dont wanna miss a second of our beautiful life.

 

I wanna be with you every second I can. Not because I dont want others to spend time with you, not because I think im the only one who can keep you safe or care for you. But because I love being there. I love taking care of you and it brings me so much joy to have you near. 

I wanna walk past your bedroom every night and see you sleeping soundly in your crib. I want you here with me. Just the way I prayed so long for. I dont want you anywhere else because I went through everything to get to these moments.  And I want them. Every single second of them.

Im not being selfish, Im not being controlling. I am just doing what feels right for us. I never want Connor to think we are gone. Because his life completely changed once and he lost all those who meant everything to him and I never want him to think he has lost me.
Obviously I know at some point ill need a break., but for me right now I cannot bare to pass his bedroom and it be empty again.

   These are the reasons I keep him close. I dont judge others for having sleepovers, so please dont judge me for not. 

All things for my good

    So these last few weeks have been rough. If it wasn't stressful enough that your child is took by ambulance to the hospital and admitted for the weekend. Then there is missing a whole week of work and stressing over bills. Only to leave your purse in a restaurant ( they found it and had it locked up for me.) Then you get a call from the hospital saying they your insurance is saying they dont have your child covered. ( Long story but he is indeed covered.) Then you go take a test for work for the 3 time and fail again which means you will have to return for a 4 day class that starts at 6:30 in the morning which makes it hard when you have a child. Those are just a few examples there is alot more, but you get my point so ill stop there.

       I have worried, stressed, cried, and tried to push forward even though at times I felt so hopeless. Times get tough thats for sure, but thank goodness we have a God who never leaves because I certainly couldnt have made it through without Him. There power in prayer but we have to put forth effort. For example I can pray that Connor wont get sick again, but I have to use precautions. I have to put a jacket on him when we go out in the cold. I cant just pray over him and take him out in shorts. I can pray before I take the test ( believe me I did!) but I have to also study ( I did that also.). I can pray that God will bless me financially, but I have to work to make a living. So often we want prayer to be the bottom line. We dont want to put forth any effort. Prayer is not a magic wand that we use to get what we want and yet we live however.


 I pray daily for Connors safety, for his health. That doesnt mean he hasnt ever got hurt or sick. He does will and has. I dont get mad at God when He does. So often we want to play the blame game with God. However God said in this life we will have troubles, but He also said take heart I have overcome.  He is still good, He is still loving, He is still powerful, and He still has our best interest at heart even when bad things happen. Even when our world seems to be crumbling apart.

All the above are complaints, and yet I shouldnt murmur one word because all the above are centered around Connor. I prayed for almost 8 years for Connor. Well for a baby. I struggled with why God was making me wait. I struggled with wanting a pregnancy. However I found out Gods ways are far better than our own. And its not that im overwhelmed with my blessing to be a mother, its the blessing that im HIS mother. A child that the world sees less than perfect and yet He is more than I could have ever dreamed of.

Intellectually he is far from his biological age.  However it makes life so much sweeter when He does hit those milestones that others dont even blink over. I remember the first time he drank from a straw. We cheered and danced. I remember when he first said Mama in reference to me specifically. I remember  the first time he attempted to brush his teeth by hisself and not just suck on the toothbrush. I remember when I started being able to give him simple commands and he would go attempt them.  No he didnt always get them done or get them done right, but he would try.

I have taught him many things, but He has taught me so much more. Unconditional love, patience, understanding and one of the biggest lessons he has taught me is to relax and enjoy the small things.

I dont worry about my house being spotless anymore, I let the toys spew out into the living room. I dont pick them up every night. But Connor gets prayed with and sung to every night. I might not have designer clothes, wear makeup, or have the newest perfume, however I make sure Connor is clothed and has been bathed. I dont stress over who said what or whos mad at me. Not because I dont care, but because there are more pressing matters now.

So in my little rough patch I must remember God has a plan. Just like all those years I prayed for a baby, Gods plan was Connor. A plan that I cannot fathom not coming to pass. So I choose to trust the Lord and lean not onto my own understanding.  I choose to trust that its all for a purpose.

I choose to believe that Hes working all things out for my good. Just like Hes always done.