Overview of our families 2016

 Tonight 2016 ends and I am sad to see it go. What a BIG year for our family, with so many HUGE changes.

In January we traveled to Hong Kong and met our son. We brought him home and began our life as a family of three.

In February We had our first IEP Meeting and  began the process of getting Connor enrolled in PreK. Connor had several doctor appointments and his first echocardiogram ( at home.)

In March Connor had his first surgery. It was extremely difficult to leave my baby and watch the nurses carry him away. He did extremely well and its then we realized just what a tough cookie our little man is. Connor also started PreK and It was the first time I ever left him anywhere. It was a rough beginning but we adjusted and Connor quickly fell in love with school and his therapies began.

In April a even bigger adjustment came as Jeremy and I went back to work. This was very hard on Mama and Connor at first, but over time we finally got into our routine and its not the end of the world like we both thought it was in the beginning.

Then came May, June, and July. We spent time out in the sun and just enjoyed life  and continued to adjust as a new family.

In August We went to court and we adopted our sweet boy and He was declared Connor Thaddeus Malone!

In September we celebrated Connors fourth birthday ( his first birthday with us). We celebrated with a birthday party at Jumpin Shack with friends and family. Connor had a great time!

In October we enjoyed our first Halloween together. We loved getting to dress up as a family!

In November We celebrated our first Thanksgiving together. Even though Connor was sick we tried to make the best of it. However things got tough and extremely scary as we experienced Connors first ride in a ambulance and hospital stay. It was by far one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever done as I walked behind my baby strapped to a gurney and held on tight to his fire truck feetie pajamas.

In December Connor had another ER trip and more dr appointments then I can count. He just could not seem to stop getting ear infections. When He finally recovered from the ear infection, we werent out of the woods yet because Connor got a upper respiratory infection. In the mean time we celebrated our first Christmas together and had a wonderful time. Connor continues to feel cruddy, but we are hopeful the medicine will kick in soon and Connor will make a full recovery.

2016 was the best year of our lives by far!!!! We hopped on the parenthood train and held on tight, It wasnt perfect and it has been a bumpy ride, but we are so thankful that we get to experience the good and bad of parenthood. We love Connor so much and 2016 has been a incredible year for our family!!!

We cannot wait to see what 2017 holds for our family of three.

Clinging to Jesus in this season

  Tonight I got on my knees in my prayer closet and I begged God to heal Connor. I begged Him to steady his breathing, to take the cough away, to rid him of the fever, to stop the runny nose,  to take away the horrible diaper rash and swelling, and to keep his lungs clear of any fluid. Of course alot of my prayer was just sobs, but God knows our hearts even when all we can vocalize are the tears.

I was taken back to one of the first songs I remember singing in Church it starts out

"God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes."

At the time when I sang those words I was crying out to God and had been for years for a baby. It was my hearts desire. Being a mother was such a deep longing I had and tonight as I begged God  to heal my son through tears in the dead of night I was reminded of how faithful our God is.

I was taken back to being in Hong Kong when I met my beautiful son after two years of paperwork, and tears and yet he was so unattached to me and even unwilling to give me a chance to love him. I begged everyone to pray and one night as I was so discouraged and overwhelmed I received a message from a dear friend of mine with these lyrics attached.

You are peace
You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true
You are true
Even in my wandering

You are joy
You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life
You are life
In you death has lost its sting

And yet again God was so faithful because that very day Connor let me lift him from the crib after he woke from a nap and snuggled in my arms.  From that moment on He knew I was mama and although it took him time to love me back it was the beginning steps of him receiving my love without resistance. 

Throughout all my years of begging for a child, throughout the adoption Journey God was there and He always helped us through. 

And this season of sickness is no different.

I dont know why Connor cant get well. I dont know why it has been one thing after another for almost 9 weeks now. But what I do know is God has been here all along. He has trusted us with this precious boy. He is carrying us through it when we cant carry ourselves anymore. He hears this mamas sobs and He has been my peace when the fear has been crippling. 

He was faithful yesterday and He'll be faithful today and tomorrow.  We are putting our trust in Him and His plan. We are clinging to Jesus during this season and believing that this too shall pass. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 

The reason I keep him close.

 For 21 months we waited for you. Of course we had been waiting for a baby for 6 years prier to those 21 months. I longed to hold you, to know you. To be your Mama. For about the last year of our 21 month adoption journey your room was ready. Your dresser packed with clothes others had handed down, a toy box packed with toys, and your bed perfectly in place with the letters spelling Connor aligned perfectly above. I walked past your room a billion times, but something about passing it at night pierced my heart. Most nights I couldnt pass without going in and saying a prayer for you. However some nights I sat in your bedroom floor and sobbed. I asked God to keep you safe and I begged Him to let us come to you, to bring you home.

And one day God did.

And ever since that day We became inseparable. Of course I  went back to work full time, but when I am not working I can always be found with you. Because I dont wanna miss a second of our beautiful life.

 

I wanna be with you every second I can. Not because I dont want others to spend time with you, not because I think im the only one who can keep you safe or care for you. But because I love being there. I love taking care of you and it brings me so much joy to have you near. 

I wanna walk past your bedroom every night and see you sleeping soundly in your crib. I want you here with me. Just the way I prayed so long for. I dont want you anywhere else because I went through everything to get to these moments.  And I want them. Every single second of them.

Im not being selfish, Im not being controlling. I am just doing what feels right for us. I never want Connor to think we are gone. Because his life completely changed once and he lost all those who meant everything to him and I never want him to think he has lost me.
Obviously I know at some point ill need a break., but for me right now I cannot bare to pass his bedroom and it be empty again.

   These are the reasons I keep him close. I dont judge others for having sleepovers, so please dont judge me for not. 

All things for my good

    So these last few weeks have been rough. If it wasn't stressful enough that your child is took by ambulance to the hospital and admitted for the weekend. Then there is missing a whole week of work and stressing over bills. Only to leave your purse in a restaurant ( they found it and had it locked up for me.) Then you get a call from the hospital saying they your insurance is saying they dont have your child covered. ( Long story but he is indeed covered.) Then you go take a test for work for the 3 time and fail again which means you will have to return for a 4 day class that starts at 6:30 in the morning which makes it hard when you have a child. Those are just a few examples there is alot more, but you get my point so ill stop there.

       I have worried, stressed, cried, and tried to push forward even though at times I felt so hopeless. Times get tough thats for sure, but thank goodness we have a God who never leaves because I certainly couldnt have made it through without Him. There power in prayer but we have to put forth effort. For example I can pray that Connor wont get sick again, but I have to use precautions. I have to put a jacket on him when we go out in the cold. I cant just pray over him and take him out in shorts. I can pray before I take the test ( believe me I did!) but I have to also study ( I did that also.). I can pray that God will bless me financially, but I have to work to make a living. So often we want prayer to be the bottom line. We dont want to put forth any effort. Prayer is not a magic wand that we use to get what we want and yet we live however.


 I pray daily for Connors safety, for his health. That doesnt mean he hasnt ever got hurt or sick. He does will and has. I dont get mad at God when He does. So often we want to play the blame game with God. However God said in this life we will have troubles, but He also said take heart I have overcome.  He is still good, He is still loving, He is still powerful, and He still has our best interest at heart even when bad things happen. Even when our world seems to be crumbling apart.

All the above are complaints, and yet I shouldnt murmur one word because all the above are centered around Connor. I prayed for almost 8 years for Connor. Well for a baby. I struggled with why God was making me wait. I struggled with wanting a pregnancy. However I found out Gods ways are far better than our own. And its not that im overwhelmed with my blessing to be a mother, its the blessing that im HIS mother. A child that the world sees less than perfect and yet He is more than I could have ever dreamed of.

Intellectually he is far from his biological age.  However it makes life so much sweeter when He does hit those milestones that others dont even blink over. I remember the first time he drank from a straw. We cheered and danced. I remember when he first said Mama in reference to me specifically. I remember  the first time he attempted to brush his teeth by hisself and not just suck on the toothbrush. I remember when I started being able to give him simple commands and he would go attempt them.  No he didnt always get them done or get them done right, but he would try.

I have taught him many things, but He has taught me so much more. Unconditional love, patience, understanding and one of the biggest lessons he has taught me is to relax and enjoy the small things.

I dont worry about my house being spotless anymore, I let the toys spew out into the living room. I dont pick them up every night. But Connor gets prayed with and sung to every night. I might not have designer clothes, wear makeup, or have the newest perfume, however I make sure Connor is clothed and has been bathed. I dont stress over who said what or whos mad at me. Not because I dont care, but because there are more pressing matters now.

So in my little rough patch I must remember God has a plan. Just like all those years I prayed for a baby, Gods plan was Connor. A plan that I cannot fathom not coming to pass. So I choose to trust the Lord and lean not onto my own understanding.  I choose to trust that its all for a purpose.

I choose to believe that Hes working all things out for my good. Just like Hes always done.

Be their constant...

If you know us, or read my blog you know that Connor has been in the hospital. I tried to keep everyone updated through out the whole process so that they knew what we specifically needed prayers for, and because I know everyone loves Connor and was very concerned.

My mind has raced for days and I have analyzed and analyzed what I could have done differently. As I helped The nurses hold his  little sick body down for various procedures I kept thinking why did you let him get so bad. You could have prevented some of this.  You let this happen. He can't tell you, your his voice, and you failed him. You are a horrible mother.

These are the lies the enemy placed in my head, because he had to think of something to keep me from getting on my knees by that hospital bed. He didnt wanna allowed me to cling to my Jesus with all that I had. So he distracted me and he used what he knew would work. And it did.

I kept thinking people are gonna think I left him sick, their gonna think I allowed this. I waited too long. I messed everything up. This is all my fault,

The truth is the moment I realized this was no viral cold was monday evening when Connor cried and cried ( he rarely cries) I knew something wasnt right. Jeremy was off tuesday so he made a dr appointment and off to the doctor they went. We were told it was a ear infection and a bad cough. Connor was given antibiotics for his ear and we were told what to buy over the counter for the cough.
I wanna add here that the doctor was not wrong things just escalated quickly and no one saw that coming.

I felt so relieved because I knew antibiotics normally kick in quickly. I was so happy about Our first Thanksgiving together and I just knew it was gonna be perfect and he would be well. Wednesday morning I got Connor up early enough to give him his medicine before I left for work. Only my sweet boy who is always compliant about taking medicine screamed and threw a fit. I remember carrying him back to the couch and we both sobbed and I told Jeremy I cannot do this, I cannot leave him like this and go to work. Jeremy convinced me everything would be ok and reminded me about how badly we needed the money. So I finally collected myself and said my byes and went to work. On wednesday night we were suppose to go to my mamaws for Thanksgiving. I considered not going, but Connor actted ok just really tired. I figured the antibiotics were starting to kick in and he was just tired where he hadnt ate and drank much the last few days. So we went and although Connor refused to eat he did get in the floor an play with his cousin Kinlee and although I knew he wasnt himself he seemed ok. When I got him home that night his fever had spiked again ( it had been going up and down since monday evening.) I gave him tylenol and put him to bed. Thursday morning was bad Connor cried and cried and it seemed no matter what I tired nothing would console him. Its then that I noticed his breathing was a little off. He was ok he was breathing, but his stomach was moving very rapidly and noticeably with each breath. I gave him his inhaler and just held him. We went to my Mother in laws for Thanksgivng dinner and although Connor was sick and there was no denying it He ended up getting down and playing a little so I thought maybe he was feeling a little better. Meanwhile Connor had diarrhea on thursday, but since he hadnt really ate I figured his stomach was upset and maybe the antibiotic was to blame too.
Friday morning came and i had been telling myself all along that we were going to the doctor monday we already had a appt and everything. I told myself  that we would take him back then if he wasnt any better. Friday while at work I text to check on him and he was still refusing food and its then that my instincts kicked in and i knew we could not wait until monday. Connors drs office was closed due to the holiday so I called the dr on call and explained what was happening. It was then that the dr asked how long it had been since he peed and I struggled to remember. It hadnt been ages, but i did remember that when i got him up that morning their was diarrhea in the diaper but no pee. The dr said he needed to go to the emergency room immediately. My mom  ( she was keeping Connor while I worked) met me with connor at Sweetwater hospital
I stopped by home to get Connors SSN and i rememeber telling jeremy i have a feeling we will end up at childrens. We were taken into the ER immediately and within 30 minutes connor was hooked up to a  IV. Lung xrays were done and later the doctor come in and said the xrays showed he had pneumonia. Next thing we knew we were being told they were sending us by ambulance to Childrens Hospital. it was such a whirlwind and I almost didnt have time to even let what was happening sink in little on feel fear.

Connor was admitted to childrens hospital and was given excellent care. Each doctor and nurse was phenomenal. I wont fill you in on every detail, but ill say it was hard, connor fought them and it was so hard to watch him scream and  cry. We were released on Sunday evening. I was thrilled to have connor home. The whole time in the hospital except once when I was outside with Jeremy and he asked if I was really ok and I lost it,  I had remained strong. Not because I wanted to but because Connor needed me to be strong. Once home I sobbed for awhile. And Days later im still sobbing because the reality of all we just went through and the thought of how sick he actually was is just too much to watch your child go through and you not let yourself fully process it.

The enemy has me filled with such guilt. I have to remind myself that I did my best, He was at the doctor tuesday and I took him to the ER friday so it hadnt been that long; I have to take a deep breath daily and say you did your best and honestly itsnt that eveyday for us moms??

We are so hard on ourselves because the enemy is constantly throwing up our short comings. Were not perfect, but we love our kids and we do our best. And guess what Our kids are crazy over us just like we are them.   Connor wont remember that He spent a few days home sick before he finally got relief. Hes just gonna remember that he got relief that Mama helped him .He doesnt think im messing up. He thinks im the greatest thing ever ( not being conceded) but seriously our kids think were pretty great. They dont see how we over analyze every decision we make each day, they just see us there each day. Loving them, taking care of them, just being there. So why be so hard on ourselves and why oh why are we listening to the enemy? We know hes a liar. I know I did my best and the moment I realized something was very wrong i never hesitated. I picked up the phone called my supervisor and immediately went to him.

And even though he might remember that he was poked with needles and had to wear something scary on his face ( oxygen mask) I know he will also remember that Mama was there. She didnt leave when things got tough. She remained there, she was constant,

So please Mamas ( and im talking to myself too) stop selling yourself short, you are doing an amazing job and even on the days when you feel like your messing up just show up and dont leave. I promise they wont remember what you didnt do, or what they wished you would have done theyll remember that you were there, you were constant.

Ill always be your constant.

Connors Hospital Stay

Ok where to start on what has happened the last few days!!! It has been a complete whirlwind and I wanna update here on all of it. So to start off im gonna post my facebook updates and then add in some details from there.

November 25

This has been by far the worse day of my life. I am so glad I trusted my gut. Mamas always always always trust your instincts. When Connor arrived at the ER today he was labeled as being in respiratory distress. I just had a gut feeling I should take him to the dr again. We were transferred by ambulance to Children's. I am so thankful I trusted my instincts. Connor has pneumonia and we all really need your prayers.

November 26

This cannot be happening. I kept thinking as I watched my little man being strapped to a gurney and loaded onto the back of a ambulance. I was petrified, devastated,and nervous along with what felt like 400 million other emotions. We had just spent 4 hours in the ER where I had to watch and even help hold Connor down for blood to be drawn and IVs to be given. He cried and fought like I have never seen him before and I must say for a child who was extremely dehydrated he still put up a very strong fight. Although it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do I felt so much relief in knowing that now he was getting help after watching him be practically lifeless for almost a week. It all started with a high temp and what we thought was a cold along with a ear infection and strep on Monday. We took Connor to his pediatrician on Tuesday and he was given antibiotics for a ear infection and we were told to buy over the counter cough medicine to help with cough symptoms but told the cough was viral so not much else we could do. I thought he would be so much better by the next morning because most antibiotics work fast. I had no idea that he wouldn't get better and things were about to get so much worse. On Wednesday Connor hadn't drank (besides what little I could get in him with a spoon) since Monday. He had eaten next to nothing and just cried and cried. I remember Holding him on the couch right before time for me to leave for work while we both sobbed and me telling Jeremy I cannot leave him like this, but I had to because we needed the money. I prayed and prayed and kept believing the antibiotics would kick in. They wouldn't. On Thursday our first Thanksgiving together I tried to stay upbeat but I was mentally and physically exhausted. We tried to celebrate with family and Connor tried to smile and played a little but you could tell he was not himself. I remember wishing so badly that his pediatrician would be open the next day (they were closed for the holiday) because I didn't want him to be sick all weekend. Friday morning came and He did not cry. I was so relieved and wanted to believe so badly that he was better. I went to work and checked on him often. He was the same wouldn't eat or drink and just laid around. That's when all of a sudden I had this feeling like something is very wrong and he needs help. I called the oncall doctor and when i explained to her his symptoms she immediately said when is the last time he peed. When I had to think and struggle to remember she said he needs to be taken to the ER immediately. Within 30 minutes we were at Sweetwater hospital. He had a iv and chest X-ray within another 30 minutes and the chest X-ray revealed the news I didn't wanna hear........ it was pneumonia. The next hour was a whirlwind as I was told we would be sent to Children's Hosptial by ambulance.
I walked into children's behind the gurney that held my precious baby holding tight to his fire truck feetie pajamas. We must have looked exhausted and sad because we got so many bless your heart looks. We were taken to a ER room where we spent close to three hours before receiving our actual room. During that time Connor began to change. He had been pumped full of antibiotics, steroids, and fluids and peed several time and out of no where it's like he came back to life. He giggled, he smiled, he even signed eat and chowed down on some cheese it's.
we were finally moved to a room and Connor fell asleep. Once asleep his oxygen level kept going down and they would come into the room set him up in the bed more and of course he would wake up and cry. Then fall asleep again only for alarms to go off and repeat repeat. So finally they put oxygen on him and you wanna talk about mad. He finally fell back asleep only then his oxygen kept dropping even with oxygen on. So they brought in suction and cleaned out his nose. I have never seen a child arch his back or come off the bed so high. After I finally calmed him down he went back to sleep. His vitals are being checked every two hours, but we were so exhausted we slept through it each time. Connor slept well and we are anxious for him to wake up so we can see how he is doing today. Since his oxygen levels did drop so much we are not looking to go home today. We are hanging in there and believing that all things happen for a reason even when it's so hard to understand. I now understand why they say In crisis mothers develop super human strength. I have never known it to be more true than these last few days I have been able to do things and get through things wirhout many break downs because sometimes the only choice you have is to be strong when they can't. Thank you for the calls, text, and most importantly your prayers. The Master has heard our cries , please keep lifting Connor up to Him.

November 26

*Update* Figured out Connor had a blockage in his nasal passage. Basically he could only breathe out his mouth and wouldn't eat bc he couldn't breathe and eat. (Then he got too weak and dehydrated to eat.). So they took tiny tubes and went down both nostrils and sucked all mucus out. And believe me it was unreal nurse said she had never saw so much from one patient. His color instantly was better and he was able to take oxygen mask off. His oxygen level has been dropping all day (especially when sleeping.) We are hoping the blockage was a lot of the cause. He ate some cheese puffs and drank two sips of water! This is huge since he hasn't ate or drank since Wednesday. According to doctor it's just gonna take time and we are not expected to go home anytime soon. Diagnosis is pneumonia and a unknown virus on top of it. We believe God is the ultimate healer and our trust is in Him

I have never seen Connor so upset and it was so heartbreaking. Each procedure even if it was as simple as blood pressure ( They checked his vitals every two hours.) he flipped out. Screaming, crying, fighting it was horrible. Connor was so scared and just didnt understand what was happening. Even though he was extremely dehydrated when he arrived he put up a BIG fight. One nurse came in to do his nose drops and suction his nose ( they suctioned his nose every 4 hours.) Not no blue bulb sucked Im talking a machine that sounds like it was sucking his brains out. It took at least 4 people to hold him down for this. When the nurse came in one evening to do this she said i probably need to bring in reinforcement I have heard about how strong this guy is. It was probably one of the worse feeling to see him scream and fight them. To see those eyes look at me and him fight to get to me and knowing it was for his good, but knowing there was no way to make him understand that. It was heart wrenching. 

I have no idea how but I remained strong thoughout our stay at East Tennessee Childrens Hospital in Knoxville. I even helped hold Connor down alot. Its just something that had to be done and I am thankful I dug deep and found a way to deliver the brave Mama he needed during that time. 

I could never say enough about East Tennessee Childrens Hospital and how they took such good care of my baby and our family. Whether answering our million questions or offering us food or drinks we were always given excellent care. I am so thankful we were sent there and owe them everything for helping my little guy. 

Connor was released on sunday November 27 and He was so confused on what was happening that he sobbed and tried to climb back in bed himself.

Once we pried him out of the room and made it to the car. Connor realized he was leaving He yelled, clapped, and blew kisses the whole way home.  Once home Connor relaxed and I saw my happy go lucky boy again. 

We are so thankful for all the prayers, text, facebook post. and phone calls of support and well wishes. We could never thank everyone enough for the ways they lifted our spirits during this tough time in our lives. 

Connor isnt out of the woods quite yet, but he is well on his way. We cannot wait until all sickness is gone from his body and life can resume as normal once again.

I always tell others what I want more than anything is for Connor to grow up to be kind. Tonight God showed me that If I continue to raise him to love Jesus and to show compassion for others that I will see a kind, loving guy in the future. 

Tonight after arriving home I watched Connor dance and play in the living room and I couldnt be tough any longer. I let the tears start as he played oblivious to my sobs. When out of no where I was given a kiss on the cheek and in that moment I knew that I am raising a kind man already. Full of compassion and care. 

But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.   Psalm 18:6

Did I love him enough today??

  With the bus crash in Chattanooga this evening  I am finding myself pondering how I spend my days.  I keep asking one question over and over

Did I love him enough today??

 With the hustle and bustle of each day as i run around the house frantic to get out the door in time I scoop him up and change his diaper, brush his teeth, throw on his coat and hat and out the door we fly. Did I even stop and tell him good morning?? Then its off to work after 8 exhausting hours I head to pick him up and its out the door and back home. I throw down, lunch boxes, diaper bag, my purse and try to figure out what to do for dinner. Then its dinner and bathtime and next thing you know were brushing our teeth and off to bed we go. Did I play with him tonight?? Did I rush through bedtime prayers?? Did I even give a second glance when I tucked him in?? Did that goodnight kiss feel sincere??

Did I love him enough today??

Does he know that he means everything? Does he know that he is the reason I work so hard?  Does he realize its all for him? Does he know that Mama is tired and stressed and more tired most days but she is trying?? Did I do enough today? 

 If tomorrow never comes would I be satisfied with the love he received from me today?? 

 Because life is short, tragedies strike when we least expect them. Mamas around the World are holding their babies tight tonight with heavy hearts for those Mamas. Those Mamas who sent their babies off to school and never thought it would be the last time they saw those little smiles. Mamas who never expected their  children would never get off the school bus.  Mamas whose arms are empty. Mamas who were caught off guard. 

Mamas who are asking themselves the same questions I am tonight

Did I love them enough today??

Does he know he is the center of my universe??

 Does he know I love him with every fiber of my being and then I love him a little more?

Does he know no one has ever or will ever make me proud the way he does??

Does he know that I find new ways to love him everyday??

Did I love him enough today??