Grief, Two Months later...

   Do you ever forget something?? For a moment, for a second it slips your mind.  I was watching a tv show and the mom had everything of her childs. All the grade cards, all the color sheets, practically everything her child had ever did, and thats when it happened.

   My first thought was my mom has alot of my kindergarten stuff packed away in a box in her closet.  I forgot. Its like for a few moments the storm never happened. The house wasnt gone and that box was still there safely tucked in the closet, but then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks I felt my heart come crashing down just like the house did that day.

And all at once there I was again. Wrapped up in so much grief, all because for a mere second I forgot. I know its just stuff, and honestly I wouldnt consider myself a materialistic person. And yet I came undone over a box of macaroni noodles glued to paper and my scribblings on  color pages.  Maybe it wasn't entirely about the stuff in the box even, more so the fact that I forgot. That for a second I didnt remember one of the worst days of my life. The fact that when it came back to me It was like grieving for the first time all over again. All the memories flooded back at once and for a few minutes it seemed too much to take because at least before it all played out over days, weeks. Instead of it all flashing before me in seconds.

Im well aware that its been two months, and life is back to normal, well the new normal. But grief doesn't care about time. Things have never felt so out of sorts, Things have never felt so wrong.  For those who dont know my parents for the time being are in a rental house just two door down from me. Perfect right, and dont get me wrong it is. They never bother us, if anything I bother them. And its been wonderful to have them right here. To be able to be there for them through this. To have them so close all the time. It has been wonderful, and yet it feels wrong. I love them being here, and yet when I  walk into their house it feels completely wrong. That isnt home. That isnt where they are suppose to be. It just doesnt feel like my parents home, it feels wrong to me and if it feels wrong to me imagine how it feels to them.

The plan is to put another home back on their  property thats the end goal. So then there is this thought of how will I cope when the day comes for them to move back. I know that 25 minutes away is not a big deal, but going from my neighbors for months to being that far away is a big deal. I know it will feel amazing to have them back to the land thats always been home, but its also difficult to even think about. my heart breaks that they are here and yet my heart breaks thinking about them leaving. So alot of nights  after Connor and Jeremy go to bed, I find myself walking down to hangout with  my parents. Obviously I do this because I want to spend time with them, and im alone and bored but I also do it because I know one day soon walking down after everyone at my house is asleep wont be a option. There will be a last time I get to do that, and everyday is a day closer to that day. I certainly dont wanna look back and wish I had went down there more while they were right her,  practically within arms reach.

 Then theres my precious Connor. I try so hard to shelter him from so many things. I remember the first time I took him out to the house after everything had happen. I had kept him from there for weeks but we needed to run down and get a few things and it was only gonna take a few minutes and so we went. He showed no reaction and I was glad. He loved that house. He would clap the minute we started up the driveway because he knew where we were.  He would prance up those stairs and go running through the door. He knew that house, he loved that house.

The day my parents moved into the rental my aunt kept him for me while we moved everything. I got him later that evening and took him to the rental while I helped them unpack, and when he walked in and saw his LaLa aand G this look came over him. He looked surprised, he looked confused. It made me so sad and then of course he went to play and all was fine, but his reaction was saddening to me. A few weeks ago we arrived home from church and he pointed down toward the rental house and said LaLa. And its then I realized that he isnt gonna understand when they are gone again. He will point and want  to go see them and he wont understand when I dont take him. He wont understand that they arent there anymore. Obviously I know he will eventually forget and stop referring to it as LaLas but the process of that will be tough. I cant protect him from that. I can explain it, but I cant make him fully understand. That hurts me to imagine, and yet soon it will be our reality and we will figure it all out, but I really really dread it.

So theres my thoughts lately. They are scattered and all over the place. I know I worry way too much and I need to let the what ifs go, but thats so much easier said than done. I still dont understand why all this had to happen. I dont understand why the house that built me is gone, forever. I dont understand why that box of my kindergarten stuff isnt tucked away in the closet where it always was. Why that craft I made in VBS when I was 6 isnt still hanging on my parents bedroom wall. Why all the pictures and memories are gone. Why did it have to happen?? How could this happen??

And then another thought crosses my mind. Alot of people dont know this but Connor spent the night at LaLa and Gs the weekend before the storm. I remember vividly walking to the extra bedroom window and looking in and there was the pack and play. The walls had caved in on that room, but from the window you could see inside. There was no way to get to the pack and play and that window wasnt even broken and as I stared in, in utter disbelief at the place my child had slept just three days earlier I let the tears fall. I was broken, defeated, crushed, and yet I was relieved, and thankful that God is a on time God and He holds us so perfectly in His hands.  I know anything can happen, and obviously if the storm taught me anything it taught me that life can change in a instant and things happen no matter how safe you think you are. And yet I watch the weather and if it even says it may possibly storm I wont let Connor out of my sight. Which I know is crazy because something can happen at our house and hes no more safer with me, but I want him with me, I need him close.

So here is just a glimpse into my grief two months later. Im not even the same person in alot of ways. I like to think im better, but in reality im probably just crazier and much more paranoid. One thing I know for sure though is I now know more than ever that life is short and we cant take anything for granted. Whenever Connor and I go to leave and Connor gives G a hug, G always says the same thing to him. He hugs him and he always says " I love you, Man."   This is something I might have never noticed before, I wouldnt have even paid attention, but I listen for it everytime now because its by Gods grace that my Dad made it out alive. And im reminded of that everytime I hear him say : I love you, Man."

A letter to the scared woman in the taxi...

   Connor , two years ago my hands shook and my heart quivered as I took that pen. Im certain its the most important signature Ive written in my life. Ive made so many mistakes in my life, but as I wrote my name and then handed the pen to your daddy I had never felt so confident in a decision in my life. I've tried, but I dont know that I could ever adequately explain the emotions when we signed the papers that placed you in our custody.

   Its funny how only 4 days earlier when we arrived in Hong Kong I was filled with such overwhelming fear that I questioned what we were doing. For a few moments I thought we had went crazy like so many had been telling us for those last 20 months, But two years later I think back and theres so many things I would tell that woman in the back of that taxi fighting back tears. I feel like If I could talk to myself that day it would go something like this.

Stephanie,
      I know your afraid. You've been the picture of strong up until this moment. You have assured everyone that this is Gods plan, and yet now here you are and your greatest dream is about to be reality and now the doubts are flooding your mind. First off don't ever feel guilty or afraid to tell others about this day. Don't share the good without being honest about the bad because someone someday may be in this same spot and they need to know its completely normal to be overwhelmed to be afraid to wonder what in the world your doing even though you have planned and prepared for this day for 21 months.

You havent met him yet, but let me assure you the minute you look at your son all the doubts will disappear. And all that will remain is love. The most powerful overwhelming love you have ever felt in your life, and yet it will be unlike anything you have ever felt in your life.

And just like that you'll be changed. That woman on the plane ride over, that woman barely holding on in the taxi she will be gone.  And what will remain will be a different woman, a mother.

As much as you dreamed about it. As bad as you wanted it. As much as you planned for it. It will be greater than any of it. It will be unlike anything you ever envisioned. It will be Amazing. It will be perfect.

But as much as you want to smother this child with all this pent up love you have been holding in for the last 8 years, you need to wait.  Your gonna have to give him a minute to catch up., but he will come around and eventually he will know your mama, he will feel your love and one day, although you wont remember exactly when, you will realize he loves you too.

Enjoy every single second cause he is gonna grow and change so fast. He wont be the shy timid boy you met long, soon he will have a personality that is bigger than life and he will bring joy to everyone he meets.  Share him. Let others enjoy him,  and yet never be afraid to be firm in the fact that you are his mom.

Take pictures of everything, record too many videos and document it all. You may regret many things, but youll never regret the memories you captured to look back on.

His health issues may scare and intimidate you at first, but be confident in your natural instincts, you are mama and you will know how to take care of him.

He may not say many words, but listen to him cause he will communicate with you.

You will know and understand him better than anyone. So be his voice, be his advocate.

Others may only see how he needs you, but you'll know you equally as much need him.

You'll have dance parties, you'll make funny faces, and oh your gonna laugh. ALOT of laughter.

And then one day your gonna wonder how you ever made it without him. Cause he will be your everything and you'll be his everything too.

So dont worry Stephanie, Cause your were born to be his mother. Not a mother, HIS mother. And although you wont always see it, you got this.

Happy Gotcha Day!!

2017 Overview

 Hey guys since I gave a overview of our year last year I kinda wanted to do the same this year. Its a great way to reflect on all that happen in a one year span and also a way to look back and see all Gods faithfulness. Once again it has been a incredible year for us!!

2017

• January

In January we met with two new specialist for Connor. A ENT Dr Belmont and a PULMONOLOGIST Dr Kureshi. 

We learned that Connor had lots of fluid in his ears and its likely he had always heard like he was underwater. Poor baby! Due to 12 weeks of reacquiring ear infections we set a date for Connor to have tubes put in his ears. Connors ears also produce excessive wax, there is nothing that can be done and no way to clean them out except with a special tool at the ENT.  Dr Belmont will clean them out every three months when Connor goes for his visits. 

We also learned that Connor has scaring on his right lung. Due to this he will continue to see Dr Kureshi every 3 months, it is not a huge concern but is something we need to monitor closely. Connor was put on a steroid that he takes twice a day through his nebulizer in order to keep his lungs healthy.

We also celebrated Connor being home 1 year! TIME FLIES!!! 

We had a 12 month post placement visit with our adoption specialist from Bethany. Which  officially ended our adoption Journey!!! 

• February 

On February 1st Connor had the surgery to put tubes in his ears. He did wonderful and was acting like nothing happen the very nice day. 

Connor had pink eye for the first time, which quickly went away with ear drops.

• March

Connor was sick still quite a bit during March.  :(   Connor went to the ENT to have his tubes checked and for a hearing test. Connor didnt comply for the hearing test so we scheduled to have a sedated one so that we would have a acquirate reading on how he hears.

• April

Connor began feeling better in April and enjoyed Easter and all the fun activities that come with it.

• May

Connor had his ABR test. The Auditory Brainstem Response (ABR) test is a helpful tool in determining a child's ability to hear. The test uses a special computer to measure the way the child'shearing nerve responds to different sounds.

Connor did great and his hearing is fine!!

• June and July 

Connor enjoyed summer and all the fun activities.

• August

Connor visited the eye doctor, Dr Gitschlag  in August and we learned that his eyes turn in because his eye muscles are too weak. We began patching his eyes in hopes to avoid surgery. 

• September

Connor enjoyed his first trip to Dollywood. He had a wonderful time and laughed and smiled the whole day.

Connor turned 5 and we celebrated with a party at the Jumpin Shack with friends and family. We had a wonderful time but it was hard to believe my little guy was 5.

I accepted a new job and turned in my notice at Tri County Center. It was a very hard decision and took lots of prayer. 

• October

Connor and I enjoyed fall break together and I started my new job!!

Connor went to the eye doctor and we learned that patching was helping but wasnt gonna work. So we scheduled surgery. 

• November

November 7th my parents home was struck by straight line wind and a microburst during a storm. The home was completely destroyed, but thankfully my dad was not hurt. This was the first tragedy I have ever faced in my life and although Id give anything to take it all away, I will say it has helped me grow and taught me many lifes lessons. 

We celebrated Thanksgiving and were so thankful that Connor was not sick this year.

I also went to the dentist  and learned I have gum disease and significant bone loss. I have a long road ahead, but thankfully found a dentist who is gonna help me. 

• December

Connor visited the ENT and his tubes were out. As long as he doesnt have a ear infection he wont have to get anymore. Finger crossed!!

I had a root canal and got a crown. I also scheduled more dental work for the new year. I have a very long road to go. 

We celebrated what I call our first good Christmas, due to Connor being so sick last Christmas on our first Christmas with him. Connor loved opening toys and it was a wonderful day celebrating with family.

Connor had Bilateral Strabismus Surgery ( eye surgery). It was a hard surgery for him, but he recovered quickly. He has had a follow up with Dr Gitschlag and everything looks the way it should and there are no signs of infection.

What a year we had. It was a bumpy road, but once again God has poured out his blessings on another year and has given us far more than we deserve. 2017 may have been a hard year, but God was still so so  good to us in 2017!!!

Bilateral Strabismus Surgery

Yesterday Connor had   Bilateral Strabismus Surgery  (eye muscle surgery.)  I've gotten lots of questions and so I decided try to answer them all here.

Strabismus surgery is surgery on the extraocular muscles to correct strabismus, the misalignment of the eyes. With approximately 1.2 million procedures each year, extraocular muscle surgery is the third most common eye surgery in the United States.


Connors eye muscles are weak causing his eyes to go inward when he looks at things. Normally just one, but both are weak they just happen to not usually go inward at the same time.  I know what you might be thinking, you've never noticed right?? We have grown so use to it that we dont really notice too, however after seeing the eye doctor I went back and looked at photos and yep there it is almost every time. Below are a few examples, though most times it was very subtle it was always there.

       One thing I want to make sure everyones knows is this was not a cosmetic surgery. Honestly Connors eyes never bothered me one bit, until we saw his eye doctor and I realized it could cause big trouble if left unfixed.  What happens is when one eye is straight and the other turns in your seeing two different pictures, no problem because the brain is so amazing that it learns to ignore one eye. The problem is if it ignores the one eye for long enough it could think it needs to always ignore that eye. Meaning Connor would only see out of  one eye. First we tried Patching to see if that would help.

 We  patched for three months before going back to the eye doctor.  We alternated eyes patching for two hours everyday. Our hope was patching would strengthen the eye muscles enough so that he wouldnt need surgery. Patching helped and strengthened the eyes alot, however it didnt fix them. So we scheduled surgery for the day after Christmas. The thought process behind this was he wouldnt miss school and I wouldnt miss work.

On the morning of surgery Connor was his happy self. Once at the hospital he knew something was up. Bless his heart hes been to Childrens Hospital enough to know if you have to go in a room with a actual hospital bed, its not good. He mostly laid around but he would literally fidget with his hands the entire two hours we waited for his turn for surgery.

  We met the anesthesiologist  and he filled us in on the risk and procedure. He explained that with Down Syndrome there is a increased risk for the heart rate to slow down. ( Which we knew because  hes had so many surgeries.) He then explained that with this type of surgery there was a even bigger risk that his heart rate would drop. So they decided with our permission they would like to go ahead and give him the medication to stop this just in case it were to happen. Of course this made us even more nervous than we already were and we absolutely wanted him to receive the medicine.

  They brought Connor " happy juice" and within minutes he was playing with the sheet on the bed and laughing hysterically. That stuff is truly amazing!  They came and got him and he went without a care in the world.

Then we headed to the waiting room to wait. It took about an hour, the doctor then met with us and explained that everything had went well and as soon as he was awake they would call us back.

Within 10 minutes they called us back. We went in a empty room and waited for him. All of a sudden we heard ear piercing screaming sobs and we both looked at each other cause we knew it was him.They rolled him in the room as he threw himself all over the bed while he screamed and cried ( his eyes were shut but he was very much awake.) They told me I could get him and I scooped him up and rocked and talked to him, but nothing helped. He would scream and sling his head back toward the floor. His tears were pure blood and they poured down his checks and I had to inwardly beg myself not to breakdown .  I gave him to Daddy who tried to comfort him too, but nothing helped.  Finally we played childrens songs on you tube and he stopped crying. The nurse brought us apple juice and said as soon as he drank they would take the IV out and we could go. I asked him if he would take a drink he screamed " nah". We tried to make him take a drink and he screamed and fought us. The room we were in was only separated from the other rooms by curtains and all the other kids were waiting to be took back for surgery and I could tell that the nurses wanted us out of there and I couldnt blame them one bit.

 Finally as I wiped away his bloody tears I whispered to him " If you'll drink this apple juice they will take this out of your arm and we can go home." Connor opened his eyes a little and pointed toward the cup. I held the cup while he guzzled it. ( Tell me again how he doesnt understand.)

Rag we wiped his tears with.

The nurse came in and took the IV out and we signed all discharge papers and left while he continued to cry his eyes out.  He sobbbed most of the way home until he finally fell asleep. Once home we laid him on the couch with a blanket and pillow and he slept, woke up and cried, slept then woke up screaming and this went on all evening. We tried to get him to eat and he refused. We had to hold him down to give him tylenol. He was so pitiful and he broke our hearts.  He never ate and he never opened his eyes. We held him and rocked him but nothing comforted him.

 I put him to bed around 9pm. He slept until 8am this morning. I went in to get him up and he reach for me but his eyes were still shut. I took him to the kitchen and asked if he would like to eat, he said " nah". I told him he'd feel better if he did. He ate with his eyes shut and finally he opened his eyes and even though I knew they would be bloody red, I held him tight while I sobbed and he cried right along with me, and I told him that this was gonna help him see better or mommy would have never let them do it. I told him that everything was gonna be ok. I then gave him a bath and his spirits changed.

  My happy boy was back. He danced and played. We went back to the Doctor so he could look at his eyes.

  He said they look exactly how they should and he saw no signs of infection.

  We go back on Tuesday so he can check them again. The sutures in them will dissolve on there own.  They will stay red for up to two weeks.  Until his eyes heal they may still turn in some, but as of now he believes the surgery was a success.  We are so thankful and grateful for East Tennessee Childrens Hospital and Dr. Gitschlag!!!!

  Well would ya look at that.....Straight eyes and a smile!!

Christmas 2017

We seriously had our best Christmas yet!!! Last year was Connors first Christmas home, but he was very sick and was just getting over pneumonia and was dealing with reoccurring ear infections while he waited for his upcoming surgery to have tubes put in his ears.  So I have declared this year our "First Good Christmas". It was amazing to have my boy his spunky self on such a joyful day.  We spent time with both our families and it truly was a great day of celebrating!!!

First look at his present!!

He was so excited!!

Family picture Fail!

Joy awaits you.....

If God called you to do something BIG, would you follow Him??
No matter how scary.
No matter how unimaginable the journey seemed.
No matter what it looked like financially.
No matter if you knew it would change your life forever.
No matter if you knew it would be a long hard road.
No matter if you knew it was unpredictable.
No matter who agreed.
No matter if you didn't get the encouragement and support from those you love most.
Would you do it anyway, Would you follow Him??

    First off let me say that I do not share our story to give us any glory, because ALL the glory belongs to JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD.  No, I share our journey for those who are right there where we were. Those who hear Him calling, and are filled with the same unimaginable fear we were. Those who cant comprehend how they will make it work financially. Those who arent sure they are ready to give up the life they know now. Those who arent sure they have what it takes for the hard road ahead. Those who arent sure they will have the support they will need. I share for them. Because I want them to know that when they press forward through the rain the rainbow is so worth the storm. I want them to know that so much joy lies ahead after the heartache and pain. I want them to know that God foots the bill when its His plan. I want them to know that life will indeed be different, but it will be so much better. I want them to know that It will all be worth it. I want them to know that Gods plans are for our good and His timing is indeed perfect.

And thats why I tell everyone what God did for us. How He took two ordinary people who didnt have much but had alot of love to give. Two people whose hearts ached from their empty arms.

And  across the World He saw a  beautiful boy who was a orphan. Who needed those loving arms. Who needed two people with alot of love to give.

And He knew He had the perfect plan.

Still God gives us the freedom of choice. We could have said no. We could have allowed money or fear stand in the way.

But because we didnt that beautiful boy is not a orphan anymore and those empty arms have never been so full.

Im  not telling you to adopt. Im not telling you to plunge head first into the unknown. But I am telling you that when you follow Him, even when its scary, even when you cant comprehend his plan, even when it seems so unattainable that joy awaits you and that you will never walk one step alone.

Follow Him, the journey may be hard, the journey may be long, You may not have much support, but you'll have Him and that's all you'll need.

Joy awaits you when you follow Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:38