Wordless Wednesday

I remember when I prayed for this....

Do you remember the days you prayed for the things you have now??

Life gets so busy and stressful and chaotic and heavy and the next thing we know we realize somewhere along the way we forgot.

Like somehow when we've had the blessing awhile it becomes less valuable. Of course we dont think that literally, but our actions sometimes paint a different picture.


I remember falling in love and marrying Jeremy.

I remember how I prayed for a Godly man who would love me despite my many flaws. That prayer was answered, and in April we will celebrate 11 years of marriage. I am so grateful to have found love at such a young age and to have literally grown up with my best friend while navigating the blissful and hard times of marriage.

And then after 8 difficult painful years another blessing came when we were blessed with our son. We had prayed, begged, and shed many tears for him in those 8 LONG years, and yet I have no doubt that he came at the perfect time. Part of the reason I know we had to wait was our son wasn't born yet. See I did not grow Connor in my womb, but another woman did. The way God orchestrated our journey to him was nothing, but a miracle. The way He protected and placed him exactly where he needed to be to grow and flourish until we could come for him. None of it is lost on me. I think about it often. The way Gods handprints are all over our adoption journey. I look back at the process and wonder how I ever got through it. The paperwork, the red tape, the travel to a foreign land and all I can figure is God carried me. Because His plans are good. Because He is good. Because of His power and grace.  He saw us crying out for a child and he saw a new mama who wanted to give her son more than she knew she could and He came up with the perfect plan. Because Hes wise and all knowing.

But Connor was three years old when he came, why did we have to continue to wait if he was born already?? Best I can figure is God knew we werent ready. We still had alot of growing and learning to do. See 6 months after we started the adoption journey God allowed me to started a job where I worked with adults with intellectual disabilities. And I cannot even explain to you how it changed me. How it prepared me. Up until that point we were uneducated, and we said no we were not open to a child with  Down Syndrome. But God in his infinite grace and wisdom changed our minds. He placed me at a job where suddenly I saw the worth of those the world sees as different.  It wasnt by chance. It was His plan. I was surrounded by so much love and good people. They cried with me the day I found out we'd been matched with Connor (I found out while at work.) My last day before I left for my FMLA and to travel to meet and bring Connor home they sang "Happy Trails". It was off key and not everyone knew the words, and yet it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I spent three years with the most incredible people Ill ever know, but seasons change and next thing I knew God said it was time to go.

And so I started another job. Surrounded by yet another group of wonderful people. And sure somedays are difficult and yet theres beauty at the same time. I am stretched and refined and changing for the better. I am learning and growing. And on the days when I feel so overwhelmed I remind myself that I prayed for this. After my interview I prayed that God would let me start this new journey, Sure it was scary and so difficult to start over, but I see Gods handprints and I know He placed me there for a purpose, just as He has my entire life.

So if your facing a new season. If your feeling unsure about change. If your holding onto something because its comfortable I urge you to let go. Let go and cling to Him. Cause He will not lead you astray. His plans though sometimes scary are ALWAYS for our good!!  And one day you'll look back with so much love and gratefulness in your heart and say I remember when I prayed for this.

I gave him a voice....

If you know us personally you know that Connor is primarily nonverbal. I know that can get confusing because he can say a few words.  This is classified as not having meaningful conversation.  Meaning he doesnt answer questions verbally/ cant tell you about his day, doesnt speak often, etc.

Connor is wonderful with gestures and knows some signs.  I fully believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. I believe in him. I do not set limitations on him.

However, I encourage him to sign and do my best to teach him the correct signs that will allow him to make his basic needs and wants known. I want to teach him to communicate these things in order to speak in ways that arent verbal in case speech doesnt come. I know that this sounds unfathomable. I should be doing everything in my power to ensure that speech does comes.

My biggest truth is I am working my hardest at something different. I work my hardest to ensure he can speak without words. I work my hardest to help him to learn other ways to communicate in the case that speech does not come.

If he speaks with words one day that is wonderful. I cannot even explain to you the joy that would bring me. The very thought of it makes me weep. However as his mother I am setting him up to win. Isnt that our job as parents? To raise our kids in such a way to give them a more successful future. Connors future is bright regardless. Its my desire to make sure I do all I can to teach him all the skills he needs to live a happy life. We all cope differently, and what works best for me is to live in such a way that this is it. That if this is all the speech that ever comes, he will be just fine.  I cope by living everyday as if the present is the future.  This may seem like im selling him short, but in reality this is ensuring he has the greatest future. That he knows that He can talk to me and doesnt even need to utter a word. If Connors speech takes off, and hes chatting with me about what he did that day and what he wants for dinner that will be a added bonus, but I am enabling him to have a voice regardless of whether I physically hear it or not.

And in case all that just came out wrong please know this. Hes in speech and his daddy and I are encouraging him to use his words. To form words and to attempt to speak, and yet I am completely comfortable in the fact that this may be it, and either way he speaks. And either way he wins. Cause he is a winner in my book yesterday, today, and forever. And no matter what hes my sweet boy and I love him right where hes at and am giving him the tools for a bright future.

 This is my biggest truth and until your in my shoes Its hard to understand. Its hard to comprehend why I would choose to live this way, but I fully believe this is how to support him and give him the most opportunities for his future. If im wrong what a blessing it will be to hear him with my ears, but if im right I gained my son being able to express himself. I gave him a means to communicate. I gave him a voice.

What if I say it wrong??

  Have you ever felt the need to speak up, but then you experience this overwhelming fear....What if  I say it wrong?? 

This is me all too often. Dont get me wrong there are times that being silent is best, but what if our story needs told. What if someone would benefit from our experience. What if not speaking up is more wrong than the fear of saying it wrong.

Its time....Time to speak.

  The first week of December we had a Hanging of the Green service at church. During one point in the service we were asked to come forward and say what we were thankful for and then hang a ornament on the Christmas tree. Many people spoke, but guess who didnt. Yep, me. And its not because I didnt have thoughts of what to say perfectly planned out in my mind, but fear won. Why because I knew I would cry and no one would probably understand me. What if someone had needed to hear my words that day. Heres what I believe I was suppose to say.

"I know that most of you know my papaw is in hospice care. I wont say that my family isnt in denial in alot of ways, but one thing we do know is that this is papaws last Christmas with us. So this year im thankful for so many things, but the one reoccurring the most is this. Im thankful that to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Im thankful that theres no Parkisons disease in Heaven, and that Papaw will soon walk beside his King."

I recently attended a birthday party and was approached by a little girl. She pointed towards Connor and said whose he here with. I told her he was with me. And she said are you his mama. I said yes I am. She then proudly stated he goes to my school. She then asked how old he was and when I said six. She loudly exclaimed HES SIX YEARS OLD?! Hes so tiny!! I smiled and said yep hes a little guy. She then said I'm six too. Im mind blown! I cant believe hes six Hes so tiny. Whys he so little?? I smiled and said hes just small.

I wish I had used that moment to tell her that He has Down Syndrome. That makes him a little different. That were all a little different and thats what makes us all so special.  I should have used that moment, but I didnt and I think about it alot. I missed a good opportunity.

When we were at Connors Orphanage in Hong Kong we sat in the middle with everyone circled around us and they asked us if we had anything to say. I had so much to say, but the words wouldnt come. I deeply regret that. Jeremy spoke though while I sobbed.

I wish so badly that I could go back in  time because I would say " Thank you! For taking such good care of him. For being his voice. For the hospital stays and doctor appointments. For all your time and efforts to give him a good life. For making him so happy. For loving him before we could."

I have so many more stories like these. Times I kept silent when I had so much to say. So I urge you to speak when you feel led to. Dont worry about crying or the words coming out wrong. Because somethings need said.

Speechless Sunday.

  So alot of people in the blogging world do wordless wednesday, basically just posting pictures with no words. So Ive come up with Speechless Sunday! Ill try to do one monthly ( at the least) and  The photos can just speak for themselves. :)

Update!

  Hey guys! Sorry I've been horrible about blogging lately. I've been in a weird place, but i'm doing better!  I'll admit when Papaw passed I was in a dark place. A place where my grief threatened to take over my life. I was so so sad. So broken and empty. I could feel depression and anxiety sneaking in. A lot of the problem was being alone alot. I was off work for Christmas break and spending alot of time alone ( at night when I was staying up until 1 and 2am most nights). Anyway going back to work and staying busy was so good for me. I quickly got back into a routine and life kept going. I know its what Papaw would have wanted. For us to keep living, but its certainly not easy as a matter of fact its a choice I have to choose each and everyday. Of course my little love helps me so so much, he deserves a happy mama and keeping that in mind helps me too.

Speaking of which we celebrated Connor being home THREE YEARS!

 I dont know how thats even possible. It seems like yesterday I was walking into the orphanage and scooping him up into my arms for the first time. He has grown so so much and changed so much since that day. We have come along way the both of us.
As always we celebrated with my favorite tradition of Connor wearing his homecoming clothes. Heres a look back at all his Gotcha day pictures.

As much as it seems like we brought this boy home yesterday, it also feels like I have known this boy forever. Like he has always been ours. Time passes so quickly. I am so grateful and blessed to have this boy in my life.

Not much else to update on. Life is busy and I am keeping my head held high and focusing on all the goodness God is pouring out for us. Theres always always something to be thankful for just some days we have to look a little harder. 

Finally Home....

  How appropriate that my last blog was titled Life changes. How could I have known that only 8 days after writing those words my papaw would leave this world and finally have peace in the arms of his Savior. I have changed. Everything has changed. Life has indeed changed.  As always I wanna be upfront and honest about my life and I would like to share  about the days leading up to my papaw receiving his healing at last.

 I dont remember exactly when my papaw was diagnosed with parkinson's disease, but I do remember the shaking in his hands growing worse, his falls to be more frequent,  and his smile changing as he couldnt quite control his muscles as well. But his cheery spirit remained and he was always laughing and content. I remember when he could no longer drive and the saddness that brought to him. My papaws love for Jesus could not be denied by anyone who knew him. He always had his bible near, He loved his gospel music and most visits included it playing in the background. He impacted my life in so many ways, but the one dearest to me is how proud he was of everything I did and his confidence in me and the decisions I made. He never ever questioned me or my judgement. When I told him I was getting married, he never said one thing about me being too young ( probably due to the fact that he married so young.) When I told him I was moving to Montana to do full time ministry I was met with nothing, but encouragement. When I told him I was adopting a child with Special needs from overseas He never ever was anything but excited. He loved Connor from the moment he laid eyes on him. They were buddies instantly.

He always told me to follow Jesus and everything would be just fine. He told me that everyone thought Noah was crazy too, but then the rain started. Ill never ever forget his confidence in me.

 I remember Connor and I visiting with him in october . Papaw was wheelchair bound then, but still able to move about in his wheelchair. I remember Mamaw crying during our visit and Papaw saying " Mama dry it up. I've had 78 wonderful years, and if God takes me tomorrow I've lived a full life." Ill never ever forget those words, or the way he played with Connor that visit. He held onto Connor and let Connor pull him around the room in his wheelchair. Some of my favorite memories of the two of them were made in that visit in October.

 Papaw was in hospice care at the time, (due to the fact that he was restricted to home because of his fall risk.) and his nurse came while I was there. Papaws nurses that came were like family and I am grateful for the care they gave him and the relationship they had with him and mamaw. One he called his sister and one he called his best friend. They were so good to him and my family is so appreciative.


   By Thanksgiving Papaws health had declined greatly. He was bound to a hospital bed in the livingroom and it was difficult to accept. This was the man who was always on the go, and although all my life he had significant health problems he was still one of the strongest men id ever known.

I remember Papaws birthday ( December 12th) I remember being tired that day and to be honest not wanting to go anywhere, but home to my pjs. However I told myself I have to go this is Papaws last birthday. I then had a good cry, wiped the tears away put on my happy face and drove to kingston to spend time with my papaw for his 78th birthday. When we got there I remember Papaw opening his eyes and saying "Hey girl" Something he always said to me. We had a good visit. I sang Happy Birthday and Connor rang his bell ( he had a bell over his bed) and he laughed and laughed. It was a good visit, but I was broken on the inside because Papaw looked so frail. Before leaving that day Papaw told me he loved me and I had no idea it would be the last time I heard those words. I had no idea it would be the last time I heard his voice. I had no idea how close our time together would be ending.

I went for a visit the day after Christmas. Papaw mostly slept now, due to the meds he was on. His pain had grown so great. He was surrounded by family. He mostly slept, but before I left his eyes opened and I knew if I wanted to talk to him while he was awake I should savor the moment. I stepped up to his bed, and he turned and locked eyes with me. He looked so different now. Its like he was right there and yet he looked so far away. So different from that tough man id known all my life. I told him we were all there and made a joke about me doing my best to keep Connor from tearing his house apart. He never spoke, but his eyes never left me. I vividly remember saying Papaw I love you. And his eyes softened and I could tell he wanted so badly to say it back, but his words would no longer come. I then told him we were wanting to watch The Three Stoogies ( something we always did together) and asking if he wanted to watch The Three Stoogies with us and he shook his head yes. I told him that I had to go, but that Randy was going to turn them on for him and he shook his head yes again.  I remember crying the entire way home, because somehow I knew that was the last time id get to talk to papaw when he interacted back with me.


Ill skip alot of the details of the next day because there too private and too painful to relive, but the next day we were told not to expect him to make it through the night. I stayed up most of the night holding my phone, but the call wouldnt come until around lunch time the following day.  Papaw had finally met his Savior. He was no longer in any pain. . He was finally safe in the arms of Jesus. He was home, the very place hed told us for weeks that he wanted to go.

We buried Papaw today, and although our hearts are broken. Although the pain seems too much to bare we know that he is at peace.

Please continue to pray for my family, especially my Mamaw she married Papaw when she was just 16 years old  and suddenly she has to learn what living without him means. Its hard to fathom a life without Papaw, but we know that he is now more alive than hes ever been.

Carey Gordon Wilcox  finally home December 28,2018.

Life will change....

   Life changes.

With Christmas around the corner I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Reflecting on the past, the present, the future, just my life in general.

I've had so many incredible moments, life changing events, happy, sad, all of it. 

Working in a  high school obviously keeps my high school memories alive, quite a few i'd rather forget. But no matter what its my story and its the reason it pains me to see so many young girls ( and guys) making poor decisions. Cause that was me.

But Praise God Life Changed.

I began dating Jeremy and next thing you know I'm a married woman. Barely 19 years old and life changed drastically. Decisions were no longer just mine to make. Every choice I made suddenly affected someone else also. Marriage is beautiful and wonderful, but its difficult too and anyone who tells you it isn't  is not telling the entire truth.


Life Changed.

And then came the hard hard season. The season that lasted for 7 long years. Years where I constantly cried and begged and pleaded with God for a baby. My life no longer had color, everything was grey. A colorless world, still a blessed life and yet even in my happiest times there was darkness. I just knew this couldnt be it, I knew there had to be more. Wasnt there more??  And just when all seemed lost. Just when I decided a world without color was my destiny. A light came.

And with every turn I made God whispered adoption. Life changed again.

And even though My arms were still empty ( and would be for 21 more months)  I could now see a dim light in all I did. Because finally I knew that color was coming. We worked so hard on all the steps. It was still a hard season, and yet it was a exciting season because we knew Life was about to change. 

And then suddenly color appeared and it was wonderful and it was beautiful and it was more.

More than I could have dreamed, more than what I hoped for, more than I felt I deserved, more beautiful than words, more love than I ever thought was humanly possible. 

Life changed, so big, so powerful, and Great is our God was all my  heart could cry.

Connor came and suddenly that long hard season of infertility made sense. Those cries that were nothing but sobs were answered.  And now more often than not my tears are happy tears. Tears of joy, tears of pride, and tears of thankfulness.

When I reflect on my life and how much change has occurried its overwhelming. And if I could go back i'd tell myself to relax and enjoy right where  I am. I'd tell myself not to worry or stress because life is gonna change. And its gonna be beautiful and wonderful and so much more than I could ever dream. Id tell myself to embrace each season because it wont last forever. Id tell myself so many things. But the only words that would probably come would be

LIFE WILL CHANGE.