Standing Still in the Storm....

     Lately We've been in a storm. Connors been sick, and I have been fighting for him and yet have felt unheard. I couldn't understand why it seemed no one would listen. Its been so so exhausting. I have felt so extremely helpless.
 
   It all began a few weeks ago when Connor started coughing. It wasn't all day, or anything extreme just kind of randomly. I of course was on high alert due to the fact that we stopped his lung medication this summer. His pulmonologist and I had been discussing this for awhile and due to how well he was doing we decided to take him off the medication and see how things went. It was such a hard decision, but one of those things that we would never know until we tried. Connor was on daily preventative medication long before we brought him home. Taking him off a preventative was oh so scary, after all we'd had many hospital stays and health scares while on the preventative. We decided to proceed ahead with the plan and had a fabulous summer. Of course its summer, he wasn't exposed to tons of sickness like he is during the school year and harsh winter months. I knew Winter would likely be a battle and to say I was nervous was truly a understatement. So the random cough had me watching closer than ever. It soon turned to a cold. He was super congested and of course we took him to the doctor. Connor like most children was a happy dude at the doctors office despite the fact he had seemed so so sick in the day leading up to the appointment. The doctor listened to him, assured me his lungs sounded fine, and agreed that breathing treatments of his PRN medication and over the counter cold meds were a good plan. ( These were all things I had already started doing, but I always feel better when a doctor says I'm doing the right things.) He had been running a low grade fever, but the doctor assured me it was viral and no antibiotics were needed. ( Thank goodness, we are always so relieved to bypass antibiotics when we can due to them upsetting his tummy.)  I was so relieved to have a doctor tell me his lungs sounded clear! Connor has scarring in his left lung and is extremely susceptible to Pneumonia. That alone keeps me on high alert, but put that with the fact this is his first cold while not on lung preventative medication Im not ashamed to admit I'm a little over the top.

   The next day Connor went to school. His doctor had given the ok and a note that he could return. However he was clearly sick, but trudging through. I was keeping a close eye on him and continuing breathing treatments and tylenol to try to keep him comfortable. We came home and he immediately just wanted to lay on the couch, and then his breathing got labored. He seemed to really be having a hard time, his temp was 101, and he had just received tylenol about 45 minutes earlier so off to Childrens ER we went. On the way Connor fell asleep and his breathing became more normal.  The ER doctor listened to him and said his lungs sounded ok, but after a look at his medical chart decided that she wanted a chest xray to be certain. I am so so grateful for her thoroughness. The xray looked fine, with no noteable changes. WHAT A RELIEF! She agreed that he likely had a mild asthma attack. Obviously not a good thing, but also nice to know I did see something and made me feel a little less crazy. The doctor gave him a heavy dose of steroids and said he should be much better within 3 days. She suggested a follow up with his doctor.  The steroids had him feeling much better and he was literally jumping off stuff and wild as ever before we even left the hospital. We were suppose to now give his PRN breathing treatments every 4 hours for the next 24 hours. We did. Sunday was a GREAT day. I really felt he was getting better, and was happy to see him more himself only much wilder due to the steroids.  Monday came and I got him up and ready for school, he coughed and coughed and coughed. I thought maybe he was just getting it all out. The bus came and when I went to put him on the bus, he broke down. I knew then something wasnt right and their was no way he could go to school. So we stayed home. Connor laid on the couch all day. ( I should note that all this time hes has been eating and drinking good. Which is basically all that was keeping me sane.) He fell asleep and took a 4 HOUR nap, very very unlike him. He rarely naps anymore, but I attributed it to him being sick and reassured myself that rest is a good thing.

  This is where things got scary. He woke up and seemed off. I picked him up and held him ( like a baby) he was just kind of staring off into space and  then his eyes began jerking back and forth. They then fixated on my shirt, and I called his name to no avail. Seconds seemed like hours!!! "Connor! Connor! Connor look at me!" Finally ( and again this was probably 30/45 seconds) he looked at me and pointed back to his spot on the couch. My mind was racing and I was unsure of what had just happen. I put him back on his spot on the couch and got out my phone. I began videoing and I'm forever grateful that I did. More of the same happened. My video is over 2 minutes long. However he seemed to come to better when I called his name this time. I text Jeremy in a panic and he said hed be right home. Of course when he got home, Connor seemed fine and Jeremy assured me we were both tired. So thankful he has a calm level head. The night went on as normal. I made his follow up doctor appointment and mentioned I had a video of a "odd episode" I also wanted to show them and discuss.  Before the appointment I called his opthalmologist, I did this because Connor does have nystagmus    ( his eyes jerk from side to side) to ask if that could have been what happen, although id never seen his eyes do anything this extreme and I didnt believe for one second it was his nystagmus. After explaining what happened, they said it was not nystagmus or anything eye related and I needed to get to his doctor because it sounded much like seizure activity. I already knew this, but my heart sank. I could feel myself beginning to panic, and I had to keep looking at him and reminding myself hes right here and hes fine. We went to his doctor appointment.

   If you know me you know I do not do drama. I do not talk about or "dog out" people on social media, my blogs no different. I'll just say I felt unheard, and brushed off.

I will say after Connor being listened to I was told his left lung sounded " wheezy" "Your not out of the woods yet."  and to start back on breathing treatments every 4 hours for 2/3 days then to back off to 6/8 hours.

The next day I called his pulmonologist. I talked to a wonderful nurse in their office for close to a hour. FINALLY someone heard me! I poured it all out, while she took notes of every single symptom, behavior, and concern. It was friday, and their office closes early ( they were closing in like an hour from when I called.) But she gave me a appointment for monday. She let me vent, and she did something I needed more than anything, She listened! The relief I felt was unexplainable. The nurse assured me that what happened would not have anything to do with the breathing treatments being given so often ( a concern I had.) She did tell me that as far as the cold, there is a viral cold going around that the cough lingers for weeks afterwards. This cold very well could be just  a viral cold that hes having a hard time kicking, but the other, even if its a one time event if I want to be seen by a neurologist thats perfectly acceptable. If I want a EEG thats understandable. I am his voice and I should fight even if its a one time event. One times enough!

I am exhausted. I am panicked. I am confused. I am so so many things, but I am a mother on a mission. I cannot stop. I will not stop.

Tonight Connor cried. Several times he cried. I dont know why, and its super unlike him. I have so many concerns. So many questions. My heart breaks. I am scattered, my thoughts are jumbled. I am a mess. I wonder what could be going on. Is it really just a viral cold. What is happening in my tiny 30 pound boys little body. We got home and he danced and laughed. And I wondered how he can be fine one minute and sobbing the next. What am I missing? What is happening to my little boy??

Its then I felt God speak to me. Stand still in the storm. Trust Me. Don't miss out on his happiness and laughter because your so consumed with why he cried earlier. Stand still in the storm. Enjoy the happy moments, and hold him close in the bad. So tonight I got up off the couch, and I danced and laughed with my happy boy. We played and sang, and we were happy while the storm still raged around us. Although we have no answers, although we are filled with worry and anxiousness we will stand still in the storm.

  And with the help of a excellent medical team, WE WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

Buddy Walk 2019

I think this photo represents our family so well. We love Connor fiercely and fully believe he can do anything. I speak freely about not being put on a pedestal because we dont deserve it or need it. However I do think as much as we needed Connor, he needed us. We cant give him all that money can buy, we cant take him on lavish trips, and he'll never live in a mansion ( well not until heaven anyway;)  What we can do is support him, love him, and lift him up. In a world where lets be honest hes always going to be reminded hes different, hes not good enough, hes incapable. We can remind him that those are LIES! He is so incredible, and he has things to offer that no one else does. He is a treasure to this world that some may never see or understand. We see him. We believe. We know.

   Thats what the Buddy Walk is all about!  The goal of the Buddy Walk® is to promote understanding and acceptance of people with Down syndrome. Whether you have Down syndrome, know someone who does or just want to show your support, come and join a Buddy Walk! 

We attended the buddy walk in Chattanooga Saturday. Clear Springs Baptist Church ( the church Jeremy and I grew up in) Got a team together for Connor and Faith.

  It was an incredible time of celebration of these two beautiful souls along with many others. I am always changed after these events. Each individuals name was called, along with their age, and what makes them special. They received a medal and everyone cheered for them. Some danced, some sang, and ALL were celebrated. 

 It was unity at its best, you were truly surrounded with the purest love. It was an amazing time and I am always so grateful we attended. 

Seriously if you've never been make plans to attend. You will not regret it and chances are you will leave changed :)

Halloween 2019

  I cant be the only one who loves dressing my kid up, right??  Since having Connor I LOVE HALLOWEEN! Heres a look at our Halloween this year.....

Crazy Halloween Day at school. Pretty sure we nailed it! haha Connor wore his glasses all day! I still cant believe that!

My personal favorite, Trunk or Treat as Nerds!

And of course Cat Woman, Batman, And Robin on Mayes Avenue. We saw 2000 Trick or Treaters.

Another awesome Halloween in the books. 

God, I don't know how to do this.....

God, I don't know how to do this.

  Words I vividly remember crying out to God nearly 5 years ago.  See we knew God had called us to adopt this precious boy, but the fear was overwhelming. I honestly didn't understand how this could be His plan. I felt so unqualified for such a big job. I couldn't see myself being a good mother to him. I couldn't see the big picture....the picture that now I see so clearly.

I cannot fathom not having Connor in my life. I know I was meant to be his mother, and I know I am far from perfect don't get me wrong, but I'm doing it. This thing I thought I couldn't do comes as easy as breathing. Sure sometimes life gets tough the surgeries, the specialist, the many health concerns, the behaviors, the unknown of the future, but one thing I know is he will never face any of it without his mother as long as I'm living. I have found strength I never knew existed within me. I have learned just what I am capable of. Not because I'm anything exceptional, but because I have a God who is. He instills all we need to parent our children. He will give us above all we could ever expect, and when he calls us He alone will qualify us.  And Isn't it beautiful the life He will give us if we surrender and follow Him. His plans are always for our good, though sometimes its hard to see the big picture when He is calling us to do something so overwhelming. But next thing you know 5 years have passed and all is well. You are doing the thing you thought you couldn't. Not only are you doing it, but you can't imagine doing anything else.

Last year we needed to change some paperwork as to Connors diagnosis. I won't lie even when you know its the truth seeing the words Intellectual disability is never easy. You want to shake your head and say NO HES NOT! And ya know why??? Because you don't see it.

You don't see how delayed he is. Because hes right where he should be to you.
You don't see him as different. Because you love him exactly how he is.
You don't see any disability, Because you see all he CAN do.
You don't see nonverbal, Because he speaks to you so clearly. Even the "Uhh Uhhs" mean something to you. You understand him perfectly, though the world may never understand that.
You don't see these things because you see your child. You see your whole world. You see nothing but unconditional love. And thats why I know I can be his mother, though I once convinced myself I couldn't. Because I see past the unknowns, and fears and what I see is my little boy. Who I will never see as anything, but absolutely perfect.

Yes, God certainly qualified me.

She don't know his name....

Today  I've had Connors birth mother on my mind. Y'all know I post about her on his birthday and mother's day, but sometimes I just randomly think of her. I wouldn't know her if I saw her, I've never seen her face and yet I'm eternally grateful that she loved him enough to choose life for him. I cannot help, but wonder if this is what she meant  when she wanted a better life for him. Connor brought home a paper today where he is practicing writing his name, and it hit me from out of no where....she don't know his name. And it left me feeling sad. She doesn't know that his hair is currently falling out because he was recently diagnosed with Alopecia. She doesn't know about the countless surgeries and hospital stays. She doesn't know that I kept his hair longer on top to hide his cowlick, but shorter on the sides cause it's easier to wash. Cause if there's one thing he hates it's having his hairwashed. She doesn't know that he is my shadow, but he loved daddy first. She doesn't know that he cries without his nightlight, and is just now realizing Santa's not so bad. She doesn't know that he is loved by EVERYONE that has ever been near him, and that he loves to be extra goofy in hopes to make someone laugh. She doesn't know that he can say a handful of words, and knows many signs. And even though he's primarily nonverbal anyone whose spent any time with him will tell you he has a way of letting you know what he means and getting his point across.  I wish she knew how much we love him. I wish she knew that he changed everything about me. I wish she knew I'm better because of him. I wish she knew he got that better life she prayed for.  I wish she knew his name....

You can do Big things....

 Jeremy and I live far from a lavish lifestyle. We are simple folks. We dont have anything fancy. Most of my clothes are from goodwil and walmart. If I have anything name brand I promise someone else bought it for me. We live paycheck to paycheck. Im not saying this for pity, we have an incredible life. I say this to tell you....you can do big things.

   With God all things are possible right?? Most of us have heard it our entire lives, but do we really believe it?? We all know we can trust God, but do we really do it???

   I remember when God called us to move to Montana to do full time ministry. Ya'll we'd never even been there! Don't think for one second we were brave. I cannot tell you how many times I said "I can't do this!" But next thing ya know we were loading up a uhaul and making the 2,173 mile journey to a new life. It was a big thing!  So many times I thought what on earth are we doing. So many times I thought God how can this be your plan. We had such a good life in Montana. And then after 2 years God told us to come home. We should have been ecstatic, sometimes we were, sometimes we were weren't. One things for sure our hearts were absolutely  broken.

Again my heart cried God how can this be your plan. When we arrived home we really struggled, me more than Jeremy. See your mind thinks things will be the same, but after two years away nothing was the same. Life had went on without us and I struggled with my place here again. It was home, and yet it felt like the futherest thing from home. I struggled for a long time. I was in a dark place, super depressed, and always sad. 

Then after being home for 9 months God called us to do something big once again. We set out on our adoption journey. Another two year adventure ( 21 months to be exact) and we welcomed Connor Thaddeus Malone into our family. So many things made sense. My purpose was revealed in the darkest eyes and straight as a board  black hair. 

International Adoption was big! $20,000 we definitely didn't have. Once again we were far from brave. On the outside it looked like we had all the trust in God, but so many times we doubted His plan. We couldnt see how we could do something so big.    

Sometimes ( and definitely the case for us in these two instances) God doesn't show us the whole stair case. One reason is it would definitely scare us into not even taken that first step if we could see the entire way with the twist and turns and roadblocks. Also its because we can't make it to the top without Him. These two things I have no doubt could not have been done without a mighty God. 

So when I say I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me It certainly doesn't mean I can do them alone. I need Him. Only with Him with me and often carrying me did I make it to the top of the staircase of the big things He's called me to do. 

So yes you can do big things, but only with a Mighty God guiding you along the way. Sometimes only revealing a step at a time, to ensure you trust Him to help you to the top.  Hes ways are always higher and His plans are always good. He takes simple ordinary folks like me and you and does big things. Not because were anything great, but because He is great!

And oh when you get to the top of that staircase the beauty that awaits you will blow your mind.

Hes just a little boy....

    Sometimes, ok alot of times we put way to much pressure on ourselves right??  We are definitely our own worst critics, but what about when that spills over onto our kids....

   The pressures in this life are insane! We have to be the best at everything, at all times no matter what. But ya know what we aren't always the best version of ourselves. We all have bad days. We all experience setbacks. We all have obstacles. If we say we don't, well were lying to ourselves.

  Sometimes this spills over onto our kids. Maybe we don't even mean to, but we pressure them to be the best at all times. We push them sometimes beyond their limits, not purposefully but we do none the less. Please don't think I'm preaching at anyone cause I'm speaking to myself too.

  I have to remind myself that hes just a little boy... 

  When he gets into everything, when he spills things everywhere, when he disobeys, the list could go on and on..

 Connor recently is into everything, like seriously EVERYTHING! He opens all cabinets, all drawers I guess its baffling because hes never done this before. He gets whatever he wants and you have to practically wrestle it away from him with him babbling something that resembles "mine". Obviously as an only child theres not a over abundance of times at home to teach him to share. However we've done our best. Hes been decent at sharing, until recently when he snatches whatever he wants from whoever he wants. Im not here to roast my son I promise im getting to the point....

Do these things need addressed you bet, and believe me we do. Only when i'm being tough on him I have to sometimes step back and remind myself hes just a little boy. YES at almost 7 years old, he should already know that he cannot snatch a toy from a baby. YES at 7 years old he shouldn't just now be exploring his home, and assuming I'd have no problem with him running through the house with a pizza cutter.

  Please don't think im using any of this to give him a pass, because I promised myself i'd never ever do that. However he is delayed. He does have a intellectual disability. He is ( primarily)  nonverbal. These things matter. These things must come into play before expecting him to obey like a typical 6 year old. And yet I have no doubt that he understands the rules. He knows the rules, but it goes back to those delays. I'm fairly certain hes just hitting the terrible twos ( no I am not saying two year olds are terrible). Some peoples heads almost spin around when they hear me say this. Its ok guys. I know my son is far from a typical 6 year old. And drum roll please thats fine with me.

Whoa Dont stop reading yet. Im just trying to be honest. I know I speak more openly than others, but I feel like im suppose to. I feel like for some reason someone else may need my upfront honesty. They might need this unspoken truth. So here goes....

 Hes just a little boy. Biologically almost 7, but much younger in reality. Please dont get me wrong. My sons smart! Hes super smart! He blows me away with things he comprehends daily, and yet its ok to say he is out of place with his typical aged peers.  I've watched him in a play setting. He will hang with the big boys like the best of them, but he will also show little interest in their activities and head over to the 2 and under area and hang with the babies. And though he may look out of place physically he fits in better there.

I dread events broken up by age. Bible school, egg hunts. I dread it because I feel unsure of my decisions on where to place him. I vividly remember asking my mom this year before Bible School at her church "what do I do??" Hes 6 so he should be in the 6-8 boys, but my 30 pounder doesn't fit there.
3-5 boys I feel bad cause hes 3 years older than those 3 year olds. My mom gave her advice, but as always said " Do what you feel is right for him, and Dont worry about what anyone thinks." I ultimately decided on 3-5 boys and I think it went perfect and he fit well. ( I wanna add in here that no one has ever said a word about any of this. Its mostly a battle within myself as a mother.)  I'm just giving this as an example of things others may not even have to think for a second about. You put your kid in with their age group and never bat a eye. Its hard ya'll this is just the tip of the iceberg of tough decisions I have to make for him. I worry so often about messing up. About making the wrong choice ( see what I mean about us being too hard on ourselves.)  In the end I do my best to do whats best for him. Do I always get it right, Nope as a human that's impossible. But I do it with the best of intentions and thats what counts.

Another thing about Connor is although he loves other kids being around he doesn't really "play" with them.  I encourage you to watch him sometimes, and it wont take you long to see what I mean. Dont get me wrong Connor has friends. He is very well liked ( makes my mama heart so happy.) I love that hes content being independent. I love to watch him happy as can be playing near others, but alone. I know that this can really isolate him in the future, and I definitely dont want that for him. I can encourage him to play with others, but I cant force it. I cant make him. Its then I have to remind myself....Hes just a little boy and let him play however makes him happy if thats alone then ok.

These are just a few of the examples of worries and fears. Fears too big for such a little boy. Fears that show how hard this mama is on herself. Fears that clearly show im my own worst critic. Pressures that I put on myself, but am determined not to put on him.

I am constantly trying not to push him., Not to pressure him beyond his limits.  Somewhere along the line that put more pressure on me. More fears. More worries. More stress.

He spills things because I help too much, and his hand eye coordination isnt better. He is into everything, cause hes bored and I am not doing enough to stimulate his mind. He doesn't share because he doesnt play with others, and I dont do enough to help him learn to see the fun in playing with others. Hes naughty because im too hard on him. Hes naughty because im too lenient on him.

Do these things seem completely irrational. Ive thought them, but even I can see once there in writing they are are completely irrational and honestly borderline ridiculous! Thats a perfect example of how we treat ourselves.  Pressuring ourselves and pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Criticizing ourselves, when we would assure anyone else they are wrong, and their doing great.

So believe it mamas ( and dads)! Your doing your best. Your intentions are in the right place. Give yourself some grace you deserve it!

Just breathe and remember hes just a little boy....

And suddenly I knew it was time....

   Hey guys I wanted to tell you about my latest adventure! Finally getting fit!! I've wanted to and needed to for awhile, but lacked the motivation. Honestly its hard to get the motivation until you see results, but how do you get results without starting. Well you don't. I had to at least get motivated enough to start, which was so stinking hard, I cant even lie! However once I did the results are what drive me to keep going!!!

Basically I had to make myself start, and believe results would come. I started by working out once a day. Once I began feeling better, boom I had motivation. I then started meal prepping and eating healthy, and I became so addicted to the gym that I started doing twice a days working out in the morning and evening. Thats all well and good except I also decided to not eat my snacks. See my meals were a strict number of calories. ( Healthy) snacks in between meals helped me take in more calories that I need due to depleting calories due to working out. Basically I felt GREAT at first, and I was seeing HUGE results! I lost almost 3 pounds in a week, but I had also stopped sleeping. I just never felt tired. I was getting maybe 5 hours of sleep per night while working out twice a day. It was great until about day 6.  My head pounded and I felt as if I couldnt get up. I'd get out of bed workout then hit the couch and feel so exhausted to the point I knew I couldnt go another step. The headache wouldnt go away. I was miserable.

So I started up a new plan. I eat every two hours, lots of protein! However I do not exceed 1400 calories a day. I workout once a day. Its working! Im sleeping so good at night, and on day 4 my headache finally went away. I only weight once a week so I havent weighed this week, and even though Im not optimistic about seeing a 3 pound drop like I did last week I know that Im doing it the healthy way.

The Workouts.

Im super blessed to have a full garage gym at my house. I have no idea what half the machines are called so I wont even attempt it, but machines and weights line the walls.

 I am weight training. Its fun, and hard all at the same time. I work out a body part each day. I joke that Jeremy is my trainer because hes helping me so much, until I learn more and can do it more on my own. Theres so much to know about doing things the right and healthy way in order to see results and stay healthy. I can already tell a huge difference in what I can do in the gym. Its so nice to see results that way as well as the scale. The scale is awesome, but with weight training its not the best tool. Your likely to gain muscle therefore you will either weight more or even if you dont see your number go up, you may have actually lost more weight that week, but gained muscle if that made sense. Ill probably look back and laugh at this someday because im still learning and probably making myself look crazy. haha The best way I found to gage my results is how my clothes fit. They are already fitting alot differently with 7Ibs lost so far!!!  I will be focusing more on that than the scale number to help myself from freaking out if I do gain muscle.

My Plan

Meal Prepping

1150-1500 Calories

High in protein

Weight Training 30-45 minutes 5 days a week.

Meal Prepping.

We prep meals on Sunday for the entire week. We make lunch and dinner for 5 days.

 Everything is high in protein and low calorie. Our snacks included. I eat every two hours. Meals and snacks calories are calculated out, but I still find it helpfully to keep a journal to make sure im staying on track. Weekends are our cheat days, meaning we try to be good ( for the most part) But we dont track our calories or have set schedules.

What If I dont want to eat the meal thats prepped??  We just do it. There are so many times that I dont want to, but I just make myself same with the snacks. I dont always want that specific snack, heck Id much rather have a candy bar or milkshake, but I press through and eat it anyway.

As far as the gym goes I have become addicted and want to workout daily. I would love to do two a days and may get back to that eventually, but I really messed up and overworked myself last week (Which is why I couldnt sleep, and  had the headache.) I am trying my best to do things the right way and take care of my body ( after all you only get one.)

The confidence.

Start seeing the number on the scale drop, your clothes get lose and see if you dont find a confidence burst out of you like you think your all that and a bag of chips. ( Oh chips sound so good right now!) It sounds ridiculous until its you. Its true that I am changing, but  whats really changed is how I feel about myself. That makes us all look and feel better! My confidence is at an all time high, sure I have a long ways to go, but im on the right road now and am feeling better than ever.

Finding Motivation.

Like I said at the beginning you have to find the motivation to start, once the results start showing your motivation will grow and grow with each positive change. My beginning motivation was these two.

 I wanna be around with these guys as long as I can. Theres no mountain I wouldnt try to move for them. No limit my love wouldnt go. So a few positive changes in order to make sure mama is healthy well thats no trouble at all.

The Results.

7Ibs down so far. My clothes fit very different, and the most important part I feel fantastic!

Positive feedback.

Ive gotten so much positive feedback from my result pictures I just want to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement. Its been so hard, and I appreciate yall cheering me on. I have the greatest support system and that means so so much!

If  you wanna know anything else feel free to ask. Im no expert, im just beginning myself, but im here to talk if you need a listening ear. We can even talk about how hard it is and how all we want is a bag of chips and a candy bar. Im here anytime! 

Don't you want more kids????

      Jeremy and I went for a bike ride on Saturday. For me riding is so therapeutic. I forget everything, and just breathe. The only thing I have to think about is when to lean for curves. Its one of the most relaxing things for me. Its when I can think clearly without any interrupts. One subject was on my mind Saturday (its something I've been asked more times then I can count )and  I feel compelled to talk about it.

 First off let me say that its no ones business, and I know I certainly don't have to answer however I want to.   I've been asked numerous times "Don't you want more kids??" The answer is yes! And sometimes no!  Biological? Adopted?   I totally understand that these questions are mostly from peoples intrigue with adoption. Most of the time I shrug it off with "we'll see", but today I'm gonna open up and answer. So if you've wonder this very thing then this post is for you.

I would love to have more children. Ya'll know I always wanted 5 right??  Not entirely sure why, but thats just always been the number. Isn't life full of surprises. In high school when everyone was dreaming of careers, my answer remained the same to the million dollar question " What do you wanna do??" I wanna be a mother.  I had no way of knowing then that infertility would destroy those plans of 5 little Stephanies in this world.

Ya'll know our story ( if not you can find it very easily on this blog.) You know that God took the very thing that broke our hearts  and used it for His glory. To find our son Connor on the other side of the world.  We love our life and although it took many years to get here, we love the beauty God brought from our ashes. We wouldnt change a thing.....but do we want more???

Yes, we would love another child. 

Biological??

To be quite honest (from my perspective) no. I know this seems baffling, but its the truth. The thought of "trying" leaves me feeling broken all over again. Even the word feels heart breaking to me. It makes me cringe honestly. So no I have no interest in crying month after month. In getting my hopes up every single time, only to be left sobbing in whatever bathroom i'm in at the time. I can't.... I won't go there again.

However If God sends me a miracle, I cant say I wouldn't be ecstatic. I cannot even fathom the emotions we would feel. The thankfulness and awe that would overflow. Do we believe God could give us biological children?? Of course. We have no way of knowing the plans He has for our future. A biological children would be a huge surprise.

Adopted??

YES!!!! If it were solely up to me id be done with paperwork right now. Honestly we would probably already have another and be working towards a third. However I believe its Gods calling on our life that lead us to Connor, and if its His will then we will step forward in faith just as we did last time. I know what your thinking and your right God cares about ALL orphans so how can we justify waiting to be called. This is where I fully believe in Gods timing. I first began researching adoption early in our marriage. We obviously knew early on something was up, and I was ready to adopt. Could we have started the process back then without letting God lead, sure. Would it have gone as smoothly, no. Without God leading it never does, but sure we could have trudged forward on our own. But guess what at that time Connor wasn't even born yet. This is where my opinion comes into play I fully believe its about finding your child, not adopting a child. So my child was not born. Which means we would have adopted another child. And then the question that leaves me shook, that scares me to the core Without God, with us not waiting to be called and allowing Him to lead " what if we adopted someone elses child?? What if we took someone elses Connor?" I believe God has a plan for us all. So God has a plan for all orphans to have families. Often people arent willing to listen to His still small voice. Arent willing to step out. To some its unthinkable. Thats where Orphans without homes, come into play ( again this is my opinion) and im not saying everyone is called to adopt so please don't get me wrong. However what if another family had decided to adopt Connor, not because God called them to, but because they wanted a child, and they chose him. We would have been robbed of our biggest blessing. Sure we could adopt another child, but it wouldn't be our Connor. I cannot even fathom this, he fits in our family perfectly. Ya know why?? Because God called us to adopt HIM. Not any child, but Him. It was always about him. So just like with Connor, I believe we need to wait on God to call us.

God hasn't called us yet, and we don't know that He will. It could be possible that our family is already complete, only God knows the plans He has for us. If its his plan for us to have more children we will be thrilled, if its not then we are thrilled. God has already given us so much more than we deserve and our life is beautiful.

So will there be more little Jeremy and Stephanie Malones only time will tell. I can tell you theres no secrets or plans right now. However if God says to move, we are ready. Right now we are standing still, and letting God move. We are praying for His will for our family. So stay tuned with us.

I'm a breath of fresh air, I'm a peacemaker.

 I am a peacemaker. I do not enjoy drama, and without even meaning to I feel the weight when others aren't getting along even if it has nothing to do with me. I want peace. I want love. I want happiness and contentment. This hasn't always been something i've loved about myself due to the fact I stay stressed and worried about things that are out of my control. I think disagreements are fights. Disagreements bother me. I carry that with me. Its difficult and as much as I don't like it, I can't turn it off. But i've come to a revolution.....

There's no shame in being a peacemaker. 

I don't share my opinions on facebook. You won't catch me blasting anyone in the comment section. You won't see political views. Because all of these things are recipes for disaster for a peacemaker.  However on the rare occasion I do post something that rubs someone the wrong way I either A. delete my post or comment, or B don't respond. A is normally what ends up happening.  This has only happened however a handful of times and obviously it's never my intent.  I've been accused of never having a opinion to which I say we all have a opinion and i'm no different, I just know when to keep quiet. Which in this day and time is often due to everyone taking offense to everything.  There are times though when we don't think. We say something with no ill intent, and yet its taken opposite I say often that i'm misunderstood. It happens often on social media. The problem is from behind a keyboard you cannot hear someones tone or see their facial expressions. Sometimes in an attempt to be sarcastic or funny were taken wrong because what we've written has been taken seriously. I try my best to put emojis to express the way I mean something, but it doesn't always work. One thing that helps me stay out of unnecessary drama is the just keep scrolling rule. If I see something I don't like or agree with, I just keep scrolling. There's no reason for me to get involved honestly. However sometimes no matter what we do we get caught up in this crazy world of negative reactions.

I've been told off in a support group for crying out loud. I often get a lot of flack for my take on inclusion because I full heartedly think there are times that a CDC room is best. I even chose this route for my own child, which is one of the only times I spoke up.  Dont mess with mama bear. haha

My point is if your a peacemaker like me don't be ashamed. We are few and far between and I happen to think were a breath of fresh air in this drama filled, opinion forced on, crazy world. So keep spreading the peace, and staying out of what doesn't concern you. We cant stop the hate, but certainly don't have to join in. 

Keep being peaceful ya'll. Us peacemakers sincerely appreciate it. 

The things we don't like to talk about.... Terrible twos, Evaluations, and Why I raise Connor differently.

        My son has officially hit the terrible twos.....yes hes six this is one of those things we don't like to talk about.  Connor has changed alot this year, its evident by looking at him. He has grown so so much, but what you may not have noticed is his growth in ways besides his physical appearance.

  Connor has blossomed this year. His knowledge has expanded greatly. He is one smart dude. This year brought lots of changes. Kindergarten year is such a big year, and if your like me you don't fully understand that until you have a child in kindergarten. Its more than coloring and recess like is often joked about.

This year Connor was re-evaluated at school. Connor was first evaluated when he started PreK in 2016, he had been home about 6 weeks at the time. Some thought we were completely crazy to start him in school so early after coming home, we did this for a number of reasons and I can assure you we didnt come to the decision without much prayer and sleepless nights. One of the reasons is so therapy could continue. Connor received therapy at the Orphanage, and we felt it was a good idea to continue asap. Also we felt since his whole life had just been flipped upside down it was best to make things as close to his new normal as possible as soon as possible. This does not work for everyone so please dont get me wrong. We felt this was best for Connor. We didnt want to let him get used to spending all day with us and him get comfortable with this routine and then him start school later and him feel uncertain all over again. I honestly feel like we made the best decision ( for him) doing things this way. He absolutely loves school! I fully attribute this to it always being apart of his life ( since coming home.) 

 I went on a rabbit chase there haha back to my point. Connor was evaluated basically right after coming home. He was found to function on around a  2 year old level at that time with communication lower around a 15 month level. His primary disability was noted as developmental delay.  This was in 2016 so we knew he absolutely needed re-evaluated. He has changed so much since coming home and honestly the evaluation process is flat out amazing when it comes to seeing all the growth and change.

The evaluation process is is very thorough. I filled out a portion as well as his teacher and school psychologist.  It was noted that my findings were a little harsher. Oops, im not sure if this is the norm or not, but I attribute it to me being able to speak more freely as a oppose to others having to thread more lightly due to mama bear. LOL  Either way it was noted that "His mother reacted more negatively to his behavior." Ouch Ill be honest I cried  and felt horrible, but then I dried my eyes and assured myself it was because of what I explained above.

One of my favorite parts is the classroom observation. I think im so intrigued with it because I literally get to see what hes like inside school when mama and daddy are not around. I'll share a little of his classroom observation here to give you a inside look. :)

" When asked to line up Connor immediately went and stood in line. He waited patiently while other peers lined up. Connor was in the middle of the line."     (To my knowledge he has never been one to want to be in the front of the line.)

"Connor nonverbally requested help from one of the special education assistants. Connor wanted to hold her hand as they walked down the hall. As he walked down the hallway he motioned for the observer to hold his hand. The observer was informed that he would attempt to swing."   (Yikes, totally our fault we do swing him alot.)

" In the cafeteria Connor used nonverbal cues ( head shakes and pointing) to indicate his food selection." (I always wonder how he picked, or if they just had learned what he liked and picked for him. Pretty cool to see he makes his own decisions.)

" Connor needed assistance putting his straw in his milk, but overall he ate his food independently." (I remember when he wouldnt do this. He would literally put his arms behind his back. Way to go C!)

" It was noted that he would dump his food onto the tray and use his fingers to eat his meal. It appeared that Connor can eat under light supervision."

" Connor was observed during indoor recess in his CDC room. Connor gravitated towards spilling soft and color blocks into his head and playing with a toy dinosaur. He engaged in more isolated play but would come to an adult when he wanted attention. Connor demonstrated that he can follow classroom rules, such as, cleaning up toys with prompts."

This is why I love this part so much. After reading it I felt like I was right there with him. Other test were done during the evaluation process to get a assessment of his current functioning and skills.
 This year came with a few new behaviors from Connor. He learned the art of yelling.  :(

 He would yell at whoever asked him to do something, or when asked to stop a specific task. This is not a at school only behavior he yells at me also, this has gotten much much better though with appropriate punishment ( at home.) His teachers were wonderful about communicating with me about this so that together we could get this behavior resolved. We all sympathize with him due to knowing alot of this behavior stems from not being able to communicate his thoughts and needs Yet at the same time yelling at other is not appropriate and we stand by that as well.  Connor also began to withdraw and say no and become reluctant to do new things. A good example is he would not go with the examiner for his testing and so testing took place in the CDC room where he was comfortable. One fear of mine for Connors future is that he will not continue to grow and flourish due to his own reluctance to try new things and engage in different activities. I dont know all the answers to this, but all I can do is encourage and continue to try different things with him. All this is noted as my concerns, believe it or not im pretty vocal in these meetings. Ive done so much better this year about not crying. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with our tears, I try super hard to refrain during these meetings. Ive come along way. Up until this year there hasnt been a IEP I havent sobbed in. I now at least make it to my car and have a good cry by myself.  Its not anything anyone does or says. We have never had a bad meeting. We have never felt bullied or ganged up on. My heart goes out to those parents who have. SPS is amazing! and we are so so thankful for them and all they do for Connor.

This year after his evaluation Connor met state criteria as an intellectually disabled student. While we fully agree with this, its hard to stomach at the same time. In my opinion thats whats so hard about IEPs. Its all things you know, but to hear them out loud its difficult.  This evaluation didnt compare Connor to any specific age, its scaled very different. Connor is well below average compared to his same-aged peers.

I said all this to give you a inside look at a IEP Evaluation. To show you why we go into IEPs with a wall up in order to refrain from emotions. Its one of those things we dont like to talk about. I haven't had a bad experience and yet IEPs are hard. I know they are hard for the teachers as well, I know its difficult on everyone due to needing to be honest and yet knowing your speaking so frankly about someones whole world.

 Now back to why I say Connor has hit the terrible twos.  Connor has recently become aware of his home ( yes hes been here 3 years, but boy has he started discovering recently.) Hes into everything all of a sudden. He opens all drawers and cabinets. His need to explore has come out of nowhere. A good example is up until recently our knifes in the kitchen have remained in a specific drawer ( Connor never got into things so we felt no need to "baby proof") Knifes are now up high out of reach. He will come through the house jabbering and playing and Ill realize he has our ice cream scoop or not so innocently yesterday our pizza cutter. It doesnt seem to matter how much you remind him those things belong in drawers and are not toys. Also the word no or stop means a pouty lip and lots of tears. Or when he gets real mad it means going limp and pitching a fit.  Maybe none of this sounds like terrible twos to you, but its what I think of when I think terrible twos.

I know what others say about me. Im too strict. I make something out of everything. I wont go any further, but I know theres lots more. LOL  The reason I'm so strict and analyze everything is those two words I heard after Connors evaluation....Intellectual Disability."   Its true I raise Connor differently. I know what everyone says and your right He is more alike than different and I do long for a world that sees him as the same. A world that sees him as enough. So dont get offended and stop reading just yet, I raise him different to ensure a good future. For him. For me. For our family. Connor is growing fast, and I know the day will come when he is too much for me to physically handle. I choose to raise him in a way as if this is it. What I mean by that is if  he were to stay in the " terrible twos" forever. I need to have control. Im not one of those " Ill show you whose boss people", and yet I have to be the boss. I have to teach him that you respect adults. That you dont hit or yell. This is why I dislike "rough housing" this is why were so careful about " rough housing." What if I let it all slide now cause lets face it, it is cute now. But it wont be cute when hes towering over me and decides he doesnt like that I took the pizza cutter away from him, he doesnt like the fact that I say "no your not getting that" when were in a store. So he drops to the floor like a limp noodle, he cries and stomps his feet, or worse he hits. Sure I can handle these things now, but when hes much older and bigger little old me isnt going to deter him. Could this happen regardless of course, aggression is a real thing that comes regardless ask anyone who loves someone with special needs. But If I can keep these scenarios from happening by being a little stricter than most you can bet thats what Ill do. Cause hes a cute little boy now, but one day he'll be a man. And its coming quickly so the time is now to teach him all I can, while hes still young enough ( and literally small enough). So yes I raise him differently than most. I am super strict. Its super cute now, but my mind over analyzes cause im picturing him at 16 or 17 doing the same thing, and its far from cute its actually dangerous.

I hope all this makes sense. I know I went through a few different topics. I know im suppose to advocate and show the world (and new special need parents) that life is beautiful and they can do this even when they think they cant. That everything will be ok. That life might be different, but its just a different kind of beautiful however If im gonna do that I wanna share it all. I wanna share everything, even the things we dont like to talk about. 

Goodbye Kindergarten.....

  Today was Connors last day of Kindergarten.....how is that even possible??  Before I start crying....again.  Lets talk about all that happen this year. :)

Connor was in a new classroom this year with a new teacher ( he had the same teacher, and had been in the same classroom up until this year He started preK in 2016.) This was a big change for him, and I was nervous especially the first day I took him and he didnt even wanna go in his new room. As always he adjusted with flying colors and settled into his new routine. He loved his teacher and aides. Connor is in the CDC room, but this year he went to the ( regular) kindergarten class for a little while each day. This is HUGE and SO exciting! His teacher was so good about including him. Connor was even in the Kindergarten program and had a solo part! He played the cow who wouldnt moo, but after encouragement from his "barnyard" friends at the end he mooed. Connor did great! It was the first time he has been included in something with typical peers, and it was one of the most amazing experiences I have had this far as a mother. Ill forever cherish it and am so grateful to his music teacher for believing in him and practicing with him so much.  Connor continued speech, OT, and physical therapy this year. He did great and showed much progress in all areas. Connor also started using proloquo2go its a app he uses on the IPad to help him communicate. He did amazing with this and was able to tell his teacher his wants and needs. He caught on quickly and we are currently applying for grants in order to be able to get one for home as well. Connor also discovered the art of yelling at his teacher. :(  Luckily his teacher is very understanding and knows alot of this stems from his frustration due to not being able to communicate his wants and needs. Please pray we could get a grant to get  proloquo2go in order to help with this. Breaks my heart to know he has so much to say, and cant.  But anyway back to the positives. Connor made new friends this year! He loved riding the bus and his bus driver and bus aide.  Connor went on a field trip with his class to the zoo. Connor loved spending time in the afternoons with Mrs. Crystal till I got off from work. We are so thankful for her and how much she loves Connor. We would literally be lost without her. I dont even like calling her his babysitter because she is family in our eyes.

I know im leaving a million things out, but thats all for now. We are so proud of all Connors done and achieved this year.  Thank you to everyone at SPS for believing in him and helping him achieve so much this year. He may not have met every goal or hit every mile marker, but he grew and changed so much and its evident in all areas.  Have I mentioned were extremely proud?!

Now to enjoy our summer break and then 1st grade here we come.

He went in dancing and came out dancing. 

1st of Kindergarten 

Last day of Kindergarten