So lately I have had something on my heart and mind, no matter what I go back to it over and over. I am certain I am being convicted in some way, but I dont quite have all the answers but am praying for guidance and understanding of what I need to do or be doing differently. Ill just get right into it...
When I started this blog in 2011 it was to keep our family and friends undated on what the Lord was doing through us in Montana. I named the blog His purpose His Glory. Sometimes it was just light and fun and other times it was about serious struggles and ways to pray for us and often it was also stories of the mountains we have seen God move and his faithfulness all around us.
Of course in 2014 it became mostly about our adoption journey. It updated you on exactly where we were and how we specifically needed your prayers.
In 2016 however it became consumed with Connor. Our journey home, adjusting to our new life as a family of three. His medical concerns, surgeries, therapies, and my struggle with the highs and lows of motherhood. And while Its fine that I am now Consumed with my sweet boy, lately a thought keeps coming to my mind.
Am I living out His Purpose and His Glory??
I know that motherhood often consumes our lives and its often said too be our most important job, and while I whole heartedly agree I cant help but think theres got to be more. I cant help but ponder on the question am I too consumed with Connor??
Being a mother has been one of the greatest blessings of my life, and its one of the most important things in my life to care for and raise this beautiful boy, but all my other responsiblities cant just go out the window.
Im a mother, but im also a wife. Im also a daughter. Im also a granddaughter. Im also a coworker. Im also a church member. Im also a friend.
I feel like maybe somewhere in 2016 I picked up Connor and laid everything else down. This cant be right, this cant be how im suppose to live.
When I went back to work 12 weeks after bringing Connor home, I told myself I couldnt do it. I literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. I knew he was in excellent hands, I knew he loved school. And I now know I wasnt, but I felt like I was slacking off on my responsibility. I felt like it should be me, there caring for his every need. I spent way too much time those first few weeks back at work locked in the bathroom crying. We adjusted and I know that I can do both, and those days locked in the bathroom sobbing seem so silly now.
But what about everything else.
Did my husband lose his wife, when I became a mother. Obviously im still married and am happily married let me add. But am I still making my husband a priority. I like to think yes, but all too often I know im slacking. Obviously when little man came along life shifted. I mean it had to, but I have to keep my marriage a priority. I have to continue striving to be a good wife. I have heard the quote many times " The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother". But what about us mothers??
Lately I find myself completely overwhelmed with life in general. Raising a child, working full time it will do that to you sometimes. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, but am I being the best at everything of course not. I use to think that I need to give 100% at being a good mother, because thats my most important job and while i dont think thats completely inaccurate I do think I have to give my best effort at all other areas in my life too.
I feel like I am failing majorly. I feel like I am too consumed with Connor. I know that might seem like a senseless thing to say, but I feel so convicted that I have put the focus on him and forgotten who I am and all my other titles in life.
Honestly what got my to thinking about this was my blog. I tried to remember my last post that wasnt in some way about Connor, and I couldnt. Im not saying its a completely bad thing, but I feel I have slipped in being the person I need to be because of it.
I know this blog is still about Gods goodness, his mercy, and grace. His faithfulness over our family, but theres got to be more than medical appointments and Iep meetings along with cute pictures in my life.
I have sit and pondered for weeks about this. Have I even been being the Christian I need to be?? What opportunities have I missed out on these last two years?? Was there a family member or friend struggling and hurting right in front of me and I didnt even notice because im too busy filling sippy cups and changing diapers?? How many opportunities have I missed out on because im too focused on that adorable little face and too consumed on being the best mom I can be.
How can I do better?? How can I do more?? My mind likes to tell me im doing the best I can. I am busy raising a child with special needs. I need to spend all my time and energy on him. I know that this is a true statement and yet I also know that the enemy can convince us of many things. The enemy could want me to put all my time, energy, and focus on my little one in order to distract me from other things God has in store.
I really hope this is all making sense. Please know that my son and his needs are not something I want to push aside, I know that caring for and raising him is my job. I know that I do NEED to focus on being a good mother. I need to keep Connor my top priority, but I think he has been my only priority and thats where I have been completely wrong.
I have many other responsiblities in this life. I have other areas that need my focus too. I could be cheating myself out of countless blessings and opportunites the Lord has for me because I stopped with this one huge blessing God gave me. I have to learn to juggle it all. I have to be better about making other areas of my life a priority as well as my child. I have to be that wife, daughter, and friend that God has called me to be.
I have to learn to live a life that is no longer consumed with Connor. This may very well be my biggest struggle. I think for two years I have dropped the ball on all other areas of my life, because I picked up the motherhood ball and held on tight and let the other balls roll on by. This cant be how im suppose to live. I know that I was made for so much more. Would you please pray for me as I learn to be less consumed with Connor and to reshift my focus on all the areas in my life that I have neglected since becoming a mother. That God would show me how to juggle it all, and be the person I was meant to be and not just solely Connors mother.
When I started this blog in 2011 it was to keep our family and friends undated on what the Lord was doing through us in Montana. I named the blog His purpose His Glory. Sometimes it was just light and fun and other times it was about serious struggles and ways to pray for us and often it was also stories of the mountains we have seen God move and his faithfulness all around us.
Of course in 2014 it became mostly about our adoption journey. It updated you on exactly where we were and how we specifically needed your prayers.
In 2016 however it became consumed with Connor. Our journey home, adjusting to our new life as a family of three. His medical concerns, surgeries, therapies, and my struggle with the highs and lows of motherhood. And while Its fine that I am now Consumed with my sweet boy, lately a thought keeps coming to my mind.
Am I living out His Purpose and His Glory??
I know that motherhood often consumes our lives and its often said too be our most important job, and while I whole heartedly agree I cant help but think theres got to be more. I cant help but ponder on the question am I too consumed with Connor??
Being a mother has been one of the greatest blessings of my life, and its one of the most important things in my life to care for and raise this beautiful boy, but all my other responsiblities cant just go out the window.
Im a mother, but im also a wife. Im also a daughter. Im also a granddaughter. Im also a coworker. Im also a church member. Im also a friend.
I feel like maybe somewhere in 2016 I picked up Connor and laid everything else down. This cant be right, this cant be how im suppose to live.
When I went back to work 12 weeks after bringing Connor home, I told myself I couldnt do it. I literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. I knew he was in excellent hands, I knew he loved school. And I now know I wasnt, but I felt like I was slacking off on my responsibility. I felt like it should be me, there caring for his every need. I spent way too much time those first few weeks back at work locked in the bathroom crying. We adjusted and I know that I can do both, and those days locked in the bathroom sobbing seem so silly now.
But what about everything else.
Did my husband lose his wife, when I became a mother. Obviously im still married and am happily married let me add. But am I still making my husband a priority. I like to think yes, but all too often I know im slacking. Obviously when little man came along life shifted. I mean it had to, but I have to keep my marriage a priority. I have to continue striving to be a good wife. I have heard the quote many times " The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother". But what about us mothers??
Lately I find myself completely overwhelmed with life in general. Raising a child, working full time it will do that to you sometimes. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, but am I being the best at everything of course not. I use to think that I need to give 100% at being a good mother, because thats my most important job and while i dont think thats completely inaccurate I do think I have to give my best effort at all other areas in my life too.
I feel like I am failing majorly. I feel like I am too consumed with Connor. I know that might seem like a senseless thing to say, but I feel so convicted that I have put the focus on him and forgotten who I am and all my other titles in life.
Honestly what got my to thinking about this was my blog. I tried to remember my last post that wasnt in some way about Connor, and I couldnt. Im not saying its a completely bad thing, but I feel I have slipped in being the person I need to be because of it.
I know this blog is still about Gods goodness, his mercy, and grace. His faithfulness over our family, but theres got to be more than medical appointments and Iep meetings along with cute pictures in my life.
I have sit and pondered for weeks about this. Have I even been being the Christian I need to be?? What opportunities have I missed out on these last two years?? Was there a family member or friend struggling and hurting right in front of me and I didnt even notice because im too busy filling sippy cups and changing diapers?? How many opportunities have I missed out on because im too focused on that adorable little face and too consumed on being the best mom I can be.
How can I do better?? How can I do more?? My mind likes to tell me im doing the best I can. I am busy raising a child with special needs. I need to spend all my time and energy on him. I know that this is a true statement and yet I also know that the enemy can convince us of many things. The enemy could want me to put all my time, energy, and focus on my little one in order to distract me from other things God has in store.
I really hope this is all making sense. Please know that my son and his needs are not something I want to push aside, I know that caring for and raising him is my job. I know that I do NEED to focus on being a good mother. I need to keep Connor my top priority, but I think he has been my only priority and thats where I have been completely wrong.
I have many other responsiblities in this life. I have other areas that need my focus too. I could be cheating myself out of countless blessings and opportunites the Lord has for me because I stopped with this one huge blessing God gave me. I have to learn to juggle it all. I have to be better about making other areas of my life a priority as well as my child. I have to be that wife, daughter, and friend that God has called me to be.
I have to learn to live a life that is no longer consumed with Connor. This may very well be my biggest struggle. I think for two years I have dropped the ball on all other areas of my life, because I picked up the motherhood ball and held on tight and let the other balls roll on by. This cant be how im suppose to live. I know that I was made for so much more. Would you please pray for me as I learn to be less consumed with Connor and to reshift my focus on all the areas in my life that I have neglected since becoming a mother. That God would show me how to juggle it all, and be the person I was meant to be and not just solely Connors mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment