I gave him a voice....

If you know us personally you know that Connor is primarily nonverbal. I know that can get confusing because he can say a few words.  This is classified as not having meaningful conversation.  Meaning he doesnt answer questions verbally/ cant tell you about his day, doesnt speak often, etc.

Connor is wonderful with gestures and knows some signs.  I fully believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to. I believe in him. I do not set limitations on him.

However, I encourage him to sign and do my best to teach him the correct signs that will allow him to make his basic needs and wants known. I want to teach him to communicate these things in order to speak in ways that arent verbal in case speech doesnt come. I know that this sounds unfathomable. I should be doing everything in my power to ensure that speech does comes.

My biggest truth is I am working my hardest at something different. I work my hardest to ensure he can speak without words. I work my hardest to help him to learn other ways to communicate in the case that speech does not come.

If he speaks with words one day that is wonderful. I cannot even explain to you the joy that would bring me. The very thought of it makes me weep. However as his mother I am setting him up to win. Isnt that our job as parents? To raise our kids in such a way to give them a more successful future. Connors future is bright regardless. Its my desire to make sure I do all I can to teach him all the skills he needs to live a happy life. We all cope differently, and what works best for me is to live in such a way that this is it. That if this is all the speech that ever comes, he will be just fine.  I cope by living everyday as if the present is the future.  This may seem like im selling him short, but in reality this is ensuring he has the greatest future. That he knows that He can talk to me and doesnt even need to utter a word. If Connors speech takes off, and hes chatting with me about what he did that day and what he wants for dinner that will be a added bonus, but I am enabling him to have a voice regardless of whether I physically hear it or not.

And in case all that just came out wrong please know this. Hes in speech and his daddy and I are encouraging him to use his words. To form words and to attempt to speak, and yet I am completely comfortable in the fact that this may be it, and either way he speaks. And either way he wins. Cause he is a winner in my book yesterday, today, and forever. And no matter what hes my sweet boy and I love him right where hes at and am giving him the tools for a bright future.

 This is my biggest truth and until your in my shoes Its hard to understand. Its hard to comprehend why I would choose to live this way, but I fully believe this is how to support him and give him the most opportunities for his future. If im wrong what a blessing it will be to hear him with my ears, but if im right I gained my son being able to express himself. I gave him a means to communicate. I gave him a voice.

What if I say it wrong??

  Have you ever felt the need to speak up, but then you experience this overwhelming fear....What if  I say it wrong?? 

This is me all too often. Dont get me wrong there are times that being silent is best, but what if our story needs told. What if someone would benefit from our experience. What if not speaking up is more wrong than the fear of saying it wrong.

Its time....Time to speak.

  The first week of December we had a Hanging of the Green service at church. During one point in the service we were asked to come forward and say what we were thankful for and then hang a ornament on the Christmas tree. Many people spoke, but guess who didnt. Yep, me. And its not because I didnt have thoughts of what to say perfectly planned out in my mind, but fear won. Why because I knew I would cry and no one would probably understand me. What if someone had needed to hear my words that day. Heres what I believe I was suppose to say.

"I know that most of you know my papaw is in hospice care. I wont say that my family isnt in denial in alot of ways, but one thing we do know is that this is papaws last Christmas with us. So this year im thankful for so many things, but the one reoccurring the most is this. Im thankful that to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord. Im thankful that theres no Parkisons disease in Heaven, and that Papaw will soon walk beside his King."

I recently attended a birthday party and was approached by a little girl. She pointed towards Connor and said whose he here with. I told her he was with me. And she said are you his mama. I said yes I am. She then proudly stated he goes to my school. She then asked how old he was and when I said six. She loudly exclaimed HES SIX YEARS OLD?! Hes so tiny!! I smiled and said yep hes a little guy. She then said I'm six too. Im mind blown! I cant believe hes six Hes so tiny. Whys he so little?? I smiled and said hes just small.

I wish I had used that moment to tell her that He has Down Syndrome. That makes him a little different. That were all a little different and thats what makes us all so special.  I should have used that moment, but I didnt and I think about it alot. I missed a good opportunity.

When we were at Connors Orphanage in Hong Kong we sat in the middle with everyone circled around us and they asked us if we had anything to say. I had so much to say, but the words wouldnt come. I deeply regret that. Jeremy spoke though while I sobbed.

I wish so badly that I could go back in  time because I would say " Thank you! For taking such good care of him. For being his voice. For the hospital stays and doctor appointments. For all your time and efforts to give him a good life. For making him so happy. For loving him before we could."

I have so many more stories like these. Times I kept silent when I had so much to say. So I urge you to speak when you feel led to. Dont worry about crying or the words coming out wrong. Because somethings need said.

Speechless Sunday.

  So alot of people in the blogging world do wordless wednesday, basically just posting pictures with no words. So Ive come up with Speechless Sunday! Ill try to do one monthly ( at the least) and  The photos can just speak for themselves. :)

Update!

  Hey guys! Sorry I've been horrible about blogging lately. I've been in a weird place, but i'm doing better!  I'll admit when Papaw passed I was in a dark place. A place where my grief threatened to take over my life. I was so so sad. So broken and empty. I could feel depression and anxiety sneaking in. A lot of the problem was being alone alot. I was off work for Christmas break and spending alot of time alone ( at night when I was staying up until 1 and 2am most nights). Anyway going back to work and staying busy was so good for me. I quickly got back into a routine and life kept going. I know its what Papaw would have wanted. For us to keep living, but its certainly not easy as a matter of fact its a choice I have to choose each and everyday. Of course my little love helps me so so much, he deserves a happy mama and keeping that in mind helps me too.

Speaking of which we celebrated Connor being home THREE YEARS!

 I dont know how thats even possible. It seems like yesterday I was walking into the orphanage and scooping him up into my arms for the first time. He has grown so so much and changed so much since that day. We have come along way the both of us.
As always we celebrated with my favorite tradition of Connor wearing his homecoming clothes. Heres a look back at all his Gotcha day pictures.

As much as it seems like we brought this boy home yesterday, it also feels like I have known this boy forever. Like he has always been ours. Time passes so quickly. I am so grateful and blessed to have this boy in my life.

Not much else to update on. Life is busy and I am keeping my head held high and focusing on all the goodness God is pouring out for us. Theres always always something to be thankful for just some days we have to look a little harder. 

Finally Home....

  How appropriate that my last blog was titled Life changes. How could I have known that only 8 days after writing those words my papaw would leave this world and finally have peace in the arms of his Savior. I have changed. Everything has changed. Life has indeed changed.  As always I wanna be upfront and honest about my life and I would like to share  about the days leading up to my papaw receiving his healing at last.

 I dont remember exactly when my papaw was diagnosed with parkinson's disease, but I do remember the shaking in his hands growing worse, his falls to be more frequent,  and his smile changing as he couldnt quite control his muscles as well. But his cheery spirit remained and he was always laughing and content. I remember when he could no longer drive and the saddness that brought to him. My papaws love for Jesus could not be denied by anyone who knew him. He always had his bible near, He loved his gospel music and most visits included it playing in the background. He impacted my life in so many ways, but the one dearest to me is how proud he was of everything I did and his confidence in me and the decisions I made. He never ever questioned me or my judgement. When I told him I was getting married, he never said one thing about me being too young ( probably due to the fact that he married so young.) When I told him I was moving to Montana to do full time ministry I was met with nothing, but encouragement. When I told him I was adopting a child with Special needs from overseas He never ever was anything but excited. He loved Connor from the moment he laid eyes on him. They were buddies instantly.

He always told me to follow Jesus and everything would be just fine. He told me that everyone thought Noah was crazy too, but then the rain started. Ill never ever forget his confidence in me.

 I remember Connor and I visiting with him in october . Papaw was wheelchair bound then, but still able to move about in his wheelchair. I remember Mamaw crying during our visit and Papaw saying " Mama dry it up. I've had 78 wonderful years, and if God takes me tomorrow I've lived a full life." Ill never ever forget those words, or the way he played with Connor that visit. He held onto Connor and let Connor pull him around the room in his wheelchair. Some of my favorite memories of the two of them were made in that visit in October.

 Papaw was in hospice care at the time, (due to the fact that he was restricted to home because of his fall risk.) and his nurse came while I was there. Papaws nurses that came were like family and I am grateful for the care they gave him and the relationship they had with him and mamaw. One he called his sister and one he called his best friend. They were so good to him and my family is so appreciative.


   By Thanksgiving Papaws health had declined greatly. He was bound to a hospital bed in the livingroom and it was difficult to accept. This was the man who was always on the go, and although all my life he had significant health problems he was still one of the strongest men id ever known.

I remember Papaws birthday ( December 12th) I remember being tired that day and to be honest not wanting to go anywhere, but home to my pjs. However I told myself I have to go this is Papaws last birthday. I then had a good cry, wiped the tears away put on my happy face and drove to kingston to spend time with my papaw for his 78th birthday. When we got there I remember Papaw opening his eyes and saying "Hey girl" Something he always said to me. We had a good visit. I sang Happy Birthday and Connor rang his bell ( he had a bell over his bed) and he laughed and laughed. It was a good visit, but I was broken on the inside because Papaw looked so frail. Before leaving that day Papaw told me he loved me and I had no idea it would be the last time I heard those words. I had no idea it would be the last time I heard his voice. I had no idea how close our time together would be ending.

I went for a visit the day after Christmas. Papaw mostly slept now, due to the meds he was on. His pain had grown so great. He was surrounded by family. He mostly slept, but before I left his eyes opened and I knew if I wanted to talk to him while he was awake I should savor the moment. I stepped up to his bed, and he turned and locked eyes with me. He looked so different now. Its like he was right there and yet he looked so far away. So different from that tough man id known all my life. I told him we were all there and made a joke about me doing my best to keep Connor from tearing his house apart. He never spoke, but his eyes never left me. I vividly remember saying Papaw I love you. And his eyes softened and I could tell he wanted so badly to say it back, but his words would no longer come. I then told him we were wanting to watch The Three Stoogies ( something we always did together) and asking if he wanted to watch The Three Stoogies with us and he shook his head yes. I told him that I had to go, but that Randy was going to turn them on for him and he shook his head yes again.  I remember crying the entire way home, because somehow I knew that was the last time id get to talk to papaw when he interacted back with me.


Ill skip alot of the details of the next day because there too private and too painful to relive, but the next day we were told not to expect him to make it through the night. I stayed up most of the night holding my phone, but the call wouldnt come until around lunch time the following day.  Papaw had finally met his Savior. He was no longer in any pain. . He was finally safe in the arms of Jesus. He was home, the very place hed told us for weeks that he wanted to go.

We buried Papaw today, and although our hearts are broken. Although the pain seems too much to bare we know that he is at peace.

Please continue to pray for my family, especially my Mamaw she married Papaw when she was just 16 years old  and suddenly she has to learn what living without him means. Its hard to fathom a life without Papaw, but we know that he is now more alive than hes ever been.

Carey Gordon Wilcox  finally home December 28,2018.

Life will change....

   Life changes.

With Christmas around the corner I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Reflecting on the past, the present, the future, just my life in general.

I've had so many incredible moments, life changing events, happy, sad, all of it. 

Working in a  high school obviously keeps my high school memories alive, quite a few i'd rather forget. But no matter what its my story and its the reason it pains me to see so many young girls ( and guys) making poor decisions. Cause that was me.

But Praise God Life Changed.

I began dating Jeremy and next thing you know I'm a married woman. Barely 19 years old and life changed drastically. Decisions were no longer just mine to make. Every choice I made suddenly affected someone else also. Marriage is beautiful and wonderful, but its difficult too and anyone who tells you it isn't  is not telling the entire truth.


Life Changed.

And then came the hard hard season. The season that lasted for 7 long years. Years where I constantly cried and begged and pleaded with God for a baby. My life no longer had color, everything was grey. A colorless world, still a blessed life and yet even in my happiest times there was darkness. I just knew this couldnt be it, I knew there had to be more. Wasnt there more??  And just when all seemed lost. Just when I decided a world without color was my destiny. A light came.

And with every turn I made God whispered adoption. Life changed again.

And even though My arms were still empty ( and would be for 21 more months)  I could now see a dim light in all I did. Because finally I knew that color was coming. We worked so hard on all the steps. It was still a hard season, and yet it was a exciting season because we knew Life was about to change. 

And then suddenly color appeared and it was wonderful and it was beautiful and it was more.

More than I could have dreamed, more than what I hoped for, more than I felt I deserved, more beautiful than words, more love than I ever thought was humanly possible. 

Life changed, so big, so powerful, and Great is our God was all my  heart could cry.

Connor came and suddenly that long hard season of infertility made sense. Those cries that were nothing but sobs were answered.  And now more often than not my tears are happy tears. Tears of joy, tears of pride, and tears of thankfulness.

When I reflect on my life and how much change has occurried its overwhelming. And if I could go back i'd tell myself to relax and enjoy right where  I am. I'd tell myself not to worry or stress because life is gonna change. And its gonna be beautiful and wonderful and so much more than I could ever dream. Id tell myself to embrace each season because it wont last forever. Id tell myself so many things. But the only words that would probably come would be

LIFE WILL CHANGE.

Beautiful Destination....

   This summer I sat in the pediatricians office for Connors second well visit. The first time he had a well visit I was completely unprepared since I had never done this before. I filled out the forms, but left the other questions or comments for the doctor section blank. This year I came prepared. I had a list of questions and concerns, I filled out the paperwork literally pouring my heart out on the paper. Since Connor sees a ENT and Ophthalmologist we skip the vision test and hearing test at his well visits. The doctor checked Connor and we chatted and laughed as he took her stethoscope and carefully placed it on her chest to give her heart a listen.  He knows the routine of all the usual doctors instruments which is adorable and yet incredibly sad all at once. Finally we got to my list, each question and concern was discussed, and then she began asking me a few questions about Connor as well. But one subject stuck with me. I'm not even sure why.  Maybe because I had never thought much about it, sometimes we grow focused on the things that we feel matter most, the big things, that we fail to notice the small everyday things. My chatter stopped immediately when she said " Can he peddle??  Like ride on toys can he peddle??" No....Well he probably could but he hasn't.....I think that he could. Ya know if he wanted to..I think. She smiled at Connor who was fluttering around the room trying to put on his charm and get attention.  We chatted a few more minutes about other things and then the flirty boys mood changed as he received his kindergarten shots. The appointment was over and we headed home. It went well, I was reassured and relieved, but peddling never really left my mind. Why hadn't I realized?? Why hadn't I been working with him??

   School started and life got busy. Time went by and when it came time for Connors birthday we decided to get him his first bicycle. He was excited and happy to sit on it, but no amount of encouragement or persuading got him to peddle. We tried alot. We placed his feet on the peddles. We let him watch me ( yes I rode a 12inch bike, perks of being short haha). And yet nothing. Then one day he did start pushing on the peddles, but backwards which as you know on a childs bike is the brakes so he didnt get anywhere. Still we encouraged him, no luck but we didnt stop or give up. We gave him his space though, cause Connor can be stubborn ( if you know us personally then your sure to have picked up on this already.) The bike set in our extra room for weeks, it was always available, but we didnt push. Somedays he would get on it and sit, but would always sign want, because he wanted me to push him. I"ll admit I got to a point where I regretted getting him a bike for his birthday. I mean we got him a present that he couldn't use. I felt sad about that. I felt bad for pushing him.

  This is so typical of life as a special needs parent. You want to do everything right, but your still learning yourself. You want to have the perfect balance of not pushing them too hard, and yet striving to teach them and help them reach their full potential. Guys its hard! We are all imperfect people which means we not always gonna get it right  all the time and us parents are often times way too hard on ourselves. One of the things that helps me is to remember there is pain in the waiting, there is heartache in the delays, there is setbacks and failures, but there is also so much beauty on the journey.  If Connors taught me  anything its that there's beauty in the waiting.

Sometimes the long journey, makes the destination so much more beautiful. Connor peddled his bike for the first time today. He clapped and cheered for himself right along with us!! It was a huge party at our house today as it is with every milestone whether something big or small.  And I was reminded that this boy has beat the odds again and again. Obstacle after obstacle, setback after setback he is resilient. So yes peddling should have came along time ago, and he has other countless delays but today we hit a goal, today we saw the beauty in the journey and today we clung to that.

He also rode his bike right into the Christmas tree, breaking one ornament and knocking countless others to the floor so now we work on steering. (haha)

And today as I watched my precious boy ride directly into our tree and I heard his daddys along with my own laughter echo through the house I was reminded of the beauty in the waiting. The beautiful destination , our family, the countless obstacles, setbacks, and failures and yet in the end here we are watching this beautiful boy ride his bike directly into our Christmas tree. And as ornaments went flying and a big gaping hole appeared where those perfectly fluffed branches had been I smiled at our beautiful destination.

Words to cling to....

  Most of you who know me know my obsession with music. Especially worship music.  I don't normally talk about this on my blogs, but recently I heard a song on the radio and the words spoke to me. Sometimes you hear a song and its like your hearts cry  being sang to you.  Thats what this song is to me.

It has so much meaning to me and yet its not one thing. Its like a thousand different meanings to me. Its not one set thing, its just for me. Its about me, its about my life.

If you havent heart Mistakes by Melody Noel and Influence Music please look it up.

Part of it Says I wont waste another day believing words you didnt say.

Wow! Talk about powerful! Half the time we dont even realize were doing it, but 90% of our worry and stress is because were listening to lies. Straight from the enemy!! I know I certainly have most of my life, and now its not intentional its just so easy to get caught up that we dont even realize it.

You dont make mistakes and you didnt start with me.  I dont intentionally think im a mistake. I am loved and I know my life has value, but even the simplest things in life have us doubting and putting ourselves down. Ive decided to cling to these words in those times. To remind myself that God has a purpose for me and I cant find that purpose while doubting myself and the strength that comes from having Him as my guide.

Of course my mind is constantly on Connor. All moms worry, dont get me wrong. But special needs moms our worry is huge. Our stress can be overwhelming.  And yet again the words were a reminder that my sons life has purpose no matter what the world may tell me. No matter whats thrown our way, No matter the difficult road we walk.  The world will always see him as different. People will always put limitations on him, BUT GOD! God sees him no different. God says his life has purpose that he is valuable!!
I encourage you to look up this song and really listen to the words. I know contemporary christian  music isnt everyones cup of tea and dont worry I wont try to persuade you to like it, but these words are powerful and maybe its just the words you need to cling to like it was for me.

Click here to listen.

The Beauty of Adoption.....

 November is National Adoption Month. Ya'll I struggle with the words to even say. I'll start out by saying Adoption is beautiful!

 And yet its so difficult! The paperwork, the red tape, the emotions, attachment, trauma. Its alot. Like a whole lot. Those who think its simple or even easy are so wrong, and yet its so worth it. Every excruciatingly hard step is met with so much joy. When you overcome so much together, its a special bond like no other.

  And there are moments you wonder how you ever lived without them. You wonder why you spent so much time worrying and stressing. You wish you could say you trudged through the whole way brave and confident, but the truth, the truth is you felt fear. Fear of the uncertainty, fear of the changes to come. But you look back and see that thats part of the journey. Sharing about the fear and uncertainty is as important as sharing your happily ever after.

So I'll share how I sat in a taxi only minutes away from my baby and asked myself what in the world I was doing. I'll share how he didnt want anything to do with me those first few days. I'll share how afraid we were. I'll share how we had to put our trust solely in God because we felt alone and as if no one understood. I'll share the stuff thats not pretty. Because it will show you the unfathomable beauty the first time Connor relaxed and allowed me to really hold him. The first time he ran to my out stretched arms.  The first time he realized that he was safe with us.

  Ill share about the hospital stays, the surgeries, the long list of specialist, the medicines he takes, the countless pediatcrican visits, the XRays, the MRIs, the PT, OT, and speech therapy updates, the way I cry at every single IEP meeting. I wont hide any of it so that light can be shown on the fact that its not easy. Its actually the opposite, its hard very hard. And yet its the life I was ALWAYS meant to have. Its what I was born to do. I was created to be his mother, not a mother but HIS mother, and likewise Jeremy was created to be his daddy. Not because were anything special, we are ordinary. We are simple folks, we deserve no pedestal.

 BUT GOD in His infinite glory and grace deserves the praise. He is the one who made us a family. The one with the plan to answer countless prayers with one amazing plan. The one who fathers the orphan, the one whose kindness makes us whole. The one who NEVER falls off his throne. The one who makes no mistakes. The one who certainly does give us more than we can handle, and yet never gives us more than He can handle. The one who leaves the 99 to come after us. We are the one He will seek after. Connor is the one HE never left behind. We are the one He never turned his ear from our prayers for a family, even though it might have seemed there was far more important prayers for Him to tend to. There was more pressing matters at hand. He heard us call and He came to our rescue. He came to Connor. He carried him, he carried us. And He made us a family. Not by chance, not by choice, but by His design, by His great plan. Thats His beauty, thats His grace, thats His sovereignty.

Thats the beauty of our story, because our family is a picture of Gods grace. Not anything that we did or even could do, but what HE did and what HE can do.

Thats the beauty of Adoption. 

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”   - David Platt

What If I told you....

  What if I told you your life was gonna be beautiful....

That everyday would begin and end with the biggest smile and hug.

What if I told you the goofiness would make your laughter echo through your house everyday.

What if I said that life would be tougher and there would be times you would have to fight on their behalf, but that you wouldn't mind and would rise to the occasion each time.

 That moving heaven on earth wouldn't seem that difficult for someone so innocent and sincere.

What If I told you, you'd get tired but you'd find strength to be there again day after day putting one foot in front of the other even when you didn't think you could take another step.

 That storms would come and its then you'd find the strength to face them head on.

 And there would be days you had no idea if you were doing the right things, but you'd find new strength each morning and you'd figure it out each time despite thinking maybe you don't have what it takes. But joy would  always come in the morning.

  And the joy would always far outweigh the sadness. What If I told you that you'd look back at how scared you were in the beginning and you'd smile knowing what you know now.

What if I told you that Down Syndrome is beautiful

And difficult

And scary

But always more beautiful

What If I told you that you'd become a better person.

That this journey would change you for the better.

That you'd choose them again and again.

 What If I told you that life would indeed be different,but that it would be BETTER!

 That that tiny face would change everything for the better, and you'd truly know that a extra chromosome is not so scary.

What If I told you that your life would be enriched by loving someone with Down syndrome. What if I told you that life would be better than okay. That life would be awesome just by having them in it.

 What If I told you that the fear would disappear and what would remain would be the purest love.

 And that all of a sudden your lifes goal would be to ensure they are happy.

 And that wouldnt be too hard because their joy would always shine through and you'd be amazed at their determination and resilience.

  What if I told you you'd thank God for this gift you've been given. That everyday wouldn't be a good day, but that there would be something good in every day.  That each milestone would be a huge celebration and you'd be their biggest fan. That you'd work tirelessly to advocate and show the world that Down syndrome is so beautiful. What if I told you.....