Resting at His feet

  My Papaw passed away June 1, 2025 at 91 years old.  

  I wont share many details out of respect for my family, but I will say this. Mamaw said he fell and in those first moments continued trying to pull himself up  to get to his feet, but he just couldnt. 

This is typical. He told me a few weeks ago if I can get ahold of a chair or something I can pull  myself up enough to get on my feet. He'd done this numerous times the last few years. 

Another family member arrived a few minutes later and he was laying in the floor with his hands folded under his head laying there peacefully. His strength was gone so he rested. And you know who was with Him in the floor His Savior. He didnt leave him. He was right there. What we could see with our eyes was papaw in the floor exhausted and out of options.  But really He was resting at His Saviors feet. 

Now  what transpired next I'll leave out to respect my family, but I tell you those two things because God spoke to me about it today while I was driving. 

My papaw had many friends. He loved to talk and would talk to anyone. This is a catastrophic loss not only for us, but for his church, and honestly even his community. Aside from some years he lived in Illinois He remained right there in that community. Practically everyone knew him, and Im obviously bias and likely wouldnt "hear" but I dont know anyone who didnt like him. He clearly had flaws as we all do, but He was a good man and lived a good life. I can take him being my papaw out of the equation and see that. 

So how do we cope? How do we heal? How do we possibly move forward? I was thinking these same things today as I drove. 

And I asked God why. Why in the last 7 years every two years have I lost 4 people that shaped and molded me into who I am today. People who loved the Lord, people who served Him. When I try to think about it logically I should be bitter, but Im not. Because my heart knows all 4 are with Him. They are at peace, but how do we find peace? How do we keep going?

 God used my Papaws final hours to show me. 

We keep trying to get up.  We keep trying to get onto our feet. And when we can't.  When we feel we have run out of strength. When we feel we've done all we can and are left defeated and exhausted.  We just rest in the floor. We stop putting our energy into getting up and we lay peacefully at our Saviors feet.  

Our  hearts are heavy. My family is broken.  We are exhausted and defeated. So continue to pray we would learn in these moments to rest at His feet, until He gives us the strength to pull ourselves up again may we have peace in knowing were not in the floor alone. 

Learning to breathe again

Im not sure where to start. I have a millions things I want to say, and honestly about a million I'm not allowed to say. 

I never spoke much about becoming a foster parent. Mainly to keep myself from blurring the lines and getting myself in trouble. So I guess Ill start from the beginning. 

In June 2023 We became licensed foster parents. I say it that way because thats when things became official as far as classes complete, home study approved, and all the other prep work. 

 3 weeks later in July 2023 the call came. A 2 week old baby girl. I dont have to tell how scared we were, but I know I also dont have to tell you how in love I was. She was a whooping 5Ibs of perfection and as much as I told my heart it needed to slow down I was attached practically instantly. 

 The goal is always reunification. We knew that going in. Your told that over and over. We got it. But its  much more complicated than that really. Because you know you'll get attached. You'll remind yourself constantly  they arent "yours" ( I did anyway) But you love them like they're yours I certainly did anyway. 

 

The months will fly by, and as much as you try not to you're reminded they are going to leave. I kept her clothes washed seems normal right No I mean I tried to keep her clothes all washed in case there was no notice because I wanted to send all I could with her. On court dates I always always asked her worker the day before is there a chance tomorrows the day.  I was always reminded of the steps. What exactly would happen. How reunification works and where her case was. It should have eased my mind, but it did little to help. I sat in courtrooms scared out of my mind more times than I can count. And then of course my mind would tell me how horrible of a person I was. That reunification was the goal. That as the world likes to remind us I "signed up for this" 

But the truth is you dont know till you know do ya. I knew it would be hard. But looking back I see I just didnt understand the psychological toll it can actually take. I certainly know now. 

I remember when she was a few months old her being carried to me and hearing the words through tears "I cant calm her down" I took her in my arms, she was sticky hot from crying and I mean she was letting it roll arched back and everything, the moment I took her she locked eyes with me and her body relaxed I talked and patted and rocked and in what seemed like seconds she was quiet. As a mom that feeling is gold right. Your baby loves you. She is comfortable with you and in that moment she wanted you. As a foster parent All I felt was guilt. I didnt even wanna look up at the all the eyes looking at me in the room. I heard the clicking of keys on the social workers computer. Leaving no doubt she was noting this. I cried the entire way home that day, not any different from the other days. Because I felt so rotten. I hurt for all involved. But I mostly hurt for this innocent baby who rode in the back sleeping exhausted from crying for hours while I had to sit in another room knowing what she wanted was me. And feeling oh so guilty about it. 

Time went quickly and it was almost christmas. I always thought I hope we get to share christmas, but then the guilt of knowing it was her 1st christmas bothered me too. Of course the babies dont remember, but its such a huge milestone for parents. A few months before we realized she would be here for christmas We felt a little wave of relief. At least We will have christmas. We lived that way. At least weve got.... Over and over for 16 months. 

 We watched and cheered for all her first. Roll, crawling, steps, words. Celebrated holidays and her first birthday. We soaked it all in and definitely lived each moment like it might be our last.  I documented it all in a notebook never meant for me. And it all certainly takes a toll emotionally. You ever tucked a baby in at night like you have for over a year and yet wondered if it was the last bedtime. Looked at them in the backseat and wondered if that carseat will be empty and a painful reminder tomorrow. I have. 

 So when I tell you reunification was always the goal it ALWAYS was until after 16 months it wasnt. 

And of course I have to skip over much of the rest. But in February 2025 We officially became a family. And we felt nothing but bliss and lived happily ever after!!

Except that's far from true. Half the world thinks I'm a saint and the other half thinks I stole a baby. (neither are true by the way)  Because the truth is its much more complicated than that. We are elated beyond belief dont  get me wrong. We have loved her and have always treated her like our daughter We should just ride off into the sunset now right?? I thought so too, But what I didn't realize is since Id been holding my breath for 19 months  I would have to learn to breathe again. I had to learn to relax. I cant tell you how many times I've almost picked up the phone to ask her worker a question before making a decision and then reminding myself oh I dont have to do that. Life as we knew it for 19 months is completely changed. No more check ins, no more asking permission, no more visits, no more calls. I am slowly doing better adjusting to this new world, but it wasnt easy. Which sounds utterly ridiculous to me too. But if Im gonna tell you the truth Ill tell you all of it. I still am learning to breathe.  I went by the DCS office last week like literally just drove by and was shocked at the physical reaction I had. Its gonna be a process. Its gonna take time. 

Im constantly thinking of the future. The one I never had to think about before  because I never thought we'd have. How do I even  begin to go about telling her her story. How to I articulate the truth when it feels oh so complicated to even me. And the answer ive come to is Ill do what I've done since the moment they placed her in my arms I'm gonna do my best. It wont be perfect because I'm certainly not. But We will always tell her the truth. We will always be (age appropriately) honest with her. 

  My hope is that she takes the seemingly broken parts of her past and finds how to use them for good. That she breaks generational holds. That she finds the absolute beauty in who she and is always proud. And is confident in all she will do and can do. That she never lets her past define her  and yet also never shys away from her story. That she will hold her head high and know despite all she went through and overcame God wrote her story and His plans are for her good.

We were just lucky enough to be a piece God wove into her story the truth is She is HIS, and from her first breath HE carried her and if she'll allow HIM he always will. 

I Love you forever, Jayda. 

 

* Please know that the things I talked about in my experience aren't even a glimpse into the trauma and emotions  children in foster care go through. They are and will always be the ones effected the most. *

God was Good the day my Dad died.

  If you read the title and are like what the what stick with me...

Jeremy works from home on Wednesdays every week. My dad died on a Tuesday. Jeremy had to switch his schedule around that week and you guessed it just so happen to be working from home that day.  God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My father in law was working on our deck and my mother in law was at our house visiting the baby. I would have been home alone with two kids but that day  My house was full of people when I got that horrible call. My mother in law was able to drive me to the hosptial, while Jeremy kept the kids.   God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

One week before my dad died we welcomed a foster baby. She needed around the clock feeding and constant care. I was forced to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I didnt have the option to give up or fall apart. She was mine and my mothers sunshine in the mist of our darkest storm. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

I was already out of work due to the baby and didn't receive the call while I was at work. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My dad never gasped for breath or made a sound when he went. I know that may seem like a odd victory to some, but Him seemingly just drifting off to heaven is a blessing. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

I had taken Connor to the store and spent intentional one on one time with him that morning. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

When the doctor said "we did everything we could but unfortunately we couldn't bring him back." I remember my mom saying "So He died??"  We abruptly drifted into shock, which I see now was a blessing. God was merciful and oh so good to me. 

My Dad was a believer and loved the Lord, so we have no doubt where He is. GOD IS MERCIFUL AND OH SO GOOD TO ME. 

So yes God was good to me the day my Dad died. 

My dad use to always say "Half full" meaning his cup was half full not half empty. He told me one time that you have to make yourself see it that way. Life will always throw things at you to make you feel half empty, but you have to constantly choose to see half full. 

I think about the day He died often and when I do I think about all these things and realize my glass was definitely half full. 

Instead of thinking about how I cant fathom how im going to live the rest of my life without him. I have to make a conscious effort to remember  how lucky I was to have such a good dad. 

Half full.

God is merciful and oh so good to me.

 

Here I am, send me

   Most of you know me and my story, but for those who may not I'll give you a little background.

     I married Jeremy when I was 19 years old. We always wanted a big family.  For 8 years we begged God for a family. In 2016 We walked into a orphanage and met Connor.  It was love at first sight, and I often say that moment I lifted him off the orphanage floor that day is exactly what I imagine it must be like to deliver your baby and have them laid on your chest. An indescribable feeling.

 The years went by and we were told often ( by well meaning people) watch you'll get pregnant now.

 But we didnt.

Prior to Connor we never saw a fertility doctor, but in 2021 we decided we werent getting any younger and if we wanted to pursue having a biological child we might want to seek help. I'll spare the details, but after months of test and even medication In April we received devestating news that it would literally be a miracle if we were ever to conceive. 

I received this news by phone call while at work Wiped the tears and went out and continued my day caring for and loving on kids. It was one of the hardest things Ive ever done, but " I loved on the kids God placed around me" which is important later in my story. 

" Just do IVF" I've heard probably a thousand times. What many dont realized is there are couples who medically cannot even go that route. We are one of those couples. 

Anyway obviously we were heartbroken. Yes it had been 14 years, but to finally hear those words was absolutely gut wrenching. We continued to pray. We never stopped asking God to grow our family, and NEVER stopped believing He would. 

We'd just adopt again, right? Well the first time God called us to adopt and we fully believe its a calling He places on your life. After all theres so many orphans in the world, How could it not be His plan for us to adopt again.

 We prayed, We seeked, and yet we didnt feel that tug at our heart. It was quite honestly confusing. We knew the process. We knew the steps. Yet still when we prayed about it, we felt Gods Silence. 

But of course it was His plan. We went to our previous agency and were baffled when we learned they no longer do international adoption. Ok maybe this time God wants us to adopt domestically ( from the US.) Again baffled when we learned our previous agency was no longer accepting families due to so many current families waiting Man We thought we were super comfortable with that route because we knew it so well, but ok thery arent the only adoption agency. 

I could keep going, but the short story of it is God closed door after door. And with all the doors closed finally we had no choice, but to stand still and listen.

I wanna skip back here to a conversation that God has brought to my mind countless times throughout my life, especially this past year. 

It was 2011 We were about to move to Montana to work in full time ministry ( we would be working with lots of kids.) We sat down with Derek ( Our now pastor, and had been our pastor in the past as well) We were in his pastors study in the church he was currently pastoring at the time and he said something to me that day I never forgot and has helped me more than I can explain to you throughout my life.

"Love on the children God has placed around you."

I cant tell you how much I needed to hear that and how its echoed in my mind throughout my life. 

We knew what God wanted us to do, but much like Jonah we tried to run. We came up with excuse after excuse. 

" I could never do that. It wouldnt be fair to Connor, It would break my heart." And the list goes on and on.

Still God called us. We both knew it much like when we felt called to adopt Connor. 

We were filled with fear. I told God many reasons why I couldnt do it. And then God reminded me of Moses feeling the same way. Yall know the story in Exodus. God was calling Moses to do something big and scary, and He made excuses why he couldnt do it. He told God he couldnt because his speech wasnt good. And the Lord sent him help. He said I'll send Aaron he is a good speaker. He will speak for you.  As I wrestled with what I felt like God was calling us to do in the midst of the fear and excuses God sent me help just like He did for moses with aaron.

A organization whose goal is to offer support for the very thing God was asking us to do. Two very special friends of ours from church became a part of Foster Village. Whose mission is to support foster care families. Orchestrated so prefectly, Like only He can do. God had sent our help.   

We are scared, and nervous, and about a million other emotions. And yes we are still very worried aboout Connor. But in the end I hope Connor knows that our family loved. Even if it meant being uncomfortable, even when it meant changing our entire routines, we loved for as long as we were needed, even when we knew it would potentially break our hearts. Our family is gonna love the children God places around us.  

We are currently in the process of becoming foster parents. 

 Its still scary, its gonna be hard But God has flung this door wide open and we know Hes stepping through it with us. We would certainly appreciate your prayers.

Ill close with this 

Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?

And I said Here I am send me. 

Maybe Gods been closing doors all around you. Seek Him with all your heart. Hes gonna open one and when He does I hope you'll trust Him enough to walk right through it. 

2022

 How do you write a blog after being mia for 2 years.....

 How can I possibly give a update over all that happen in that amount of time.....

Not sure where to even begin. Connor is in 4th grade now! He will turn 10 this year. Its honestly incomprehendable.

The most exciting thing is hes talking alot more. He says new words practically daily. His newest is "Thunder" Thanks to his daddy for introducing him to AC/DC and all the storms we've had lately. 

 We found out 6 months ago that hes thyroid wasnt functioning correctly, and since starting medication hes like a different kid. He is so happy, and I have to wonder how long he'd been feeling crummy. He is so much healthier too. 

He still LOVES school, and the bus. He moved to the elementary school last year, but of course in true Connor fashion transitioned incredibly. 

We bought a house 6 months ago. The move was difficult for him. He was adamant He was not going to live here. A few weeks in he started shouting "HOOOOmme" when we turned on our street. He loves it now. 

He became a citizen last year!!! The official last step finally complete. What a huge relief. 

Of course tremendous joy is often accompanied with great loss....

Mamaw Wilcox went to Heaven in November after a short battle with Covid. It was so sudden and yet the days seemed to have no end those few weeks. Its still hard to comprehend She is gone. We miss her greatly, but we are thankful for no more pain and suffering. 

It seems so cruel that life just goes on, but the days keep passing. And we must press forward with them. She'd whip us all if we were depressed and sad. 

I tried to pinpoint why I stopped blogging, and I cant recall. I guess its true life just gets busy. 

We are alive and well. Things are going really good for us and we are thankful. 

 

Halloween 2020

All about my EIGHT year old....

   Connor turned EIGHT yesterday! How is that even possible??!!!

 He has changed so much lately!!! He is mimicking everything, and saying so many new words, although not consistantly it still seems his vocabulary has expanded overnight. 

He LOVES "HUUU" ( Hulk) now, and rarely request to watch Mickey anymore. He is a HUGE Blippi fan, but can be found almost always watching Ryans World which is his latest obsession. 

He still loves bedtime, and ask to go to bed when hes tired by pretending to yawn and pointing to his room. He is still loving school most days and rarely puts up a fuss about going ( Im certain this is partly due to his love for the bus.😉) 

Like all kids he has good days and bad ( dont we all 😜) Sometimes he just flat out refuses to work, luckily that isnt always the case, and he is soooo proud when he brings home a smiley. He knows if he doesnt it means no tablet, or tv time and he doesnt even ask on the naughty days ( so stinking smart.) 

He wears DEO now! So crazy, but he ask and is it ever really too early??!! 

He stays between 34/36 pounds these days, and still LOVES to eat anything and everything. 

He wears his mask proudly, and says "MASK!" if mama forgets.

He is so sweet, and my only complaint its that hes growing WAY too fast!!

So excited to see all his adventures, and continuing to watch him blossom into this BIG boy hes becoming. 😊

He Carried me...

What If we hadnt came for you?? What if we had said no?? What if we let the fear and uncertainty win?

What If God hadnt called us?? What if we missed you....How could you not be here??

Sometimes I become overwhelmed with life. Its certainly not always easy. Hard days do come. But at the end of everyday when I turn on your night light and tuck you in and slip out of the room Im not thinking about the struggles or how hard a day it had been

Im thinking about how thankful I am to have you.

Im overwhelmed again, but this time with this powerful love.

A love that cannot be turned off.

A love that knows no bounds.

A love that fights and advocates.

A love that is your safe place on the days I really want to fall apart.

A love that cheers you on.

A love that picks you up when you fall.

A love that encourages you to try again.

A love that celebrates each milestone with the most ridiculous dance moves.

A love that cannot diminish.

A love thats a mother, your mother.

It didnt come because I carried you for 9 months.

It didnt come because I felt your kicks for 5 months.

It didnt come from one ounce of biology.

It came from a Savior who spoke to me one night when I should have been sleeping.

It came from a faithful God who knew just how to answer prayers from here to across the world with one perfect plan.

It came from a God who didnt show me the whole staircase at first, but promised me if I took a step at a time he would get me to the top.

It came because a woman who shares your biology chose to put you first and give you more than what she believed she could.

The adoption took time. We faced setbacks and countless hurdles, but the love it was instant. You didnt need to have formed in my womb. You didnt need to have my eyes or daddys hair.

You actually didnt need to do anything. Because we were coming for you.

And I cant promise you a BIG Lavish life. But I can promise you Ill always come for you. Even on the hard days. Even when we struggle. In the good times and bad Mama will come for you.

And God will come for you. Even when you push Him away. Theres no mountain He wont tear down coming after you.

Cause Hes the same. Yesterday, Today, and Forever. He moved mountain after mountain so mommy and daddy could come for you.

And if there comes a day He ask you to do something big and you cant see the whole staircase dont worry Because He will carry you.

I know because Hes carried mommy to the top before too.

Operation Rescue. ...The Story of Loki.

   My Mamaw has feral cats at her house. Feral as in you never even see them. Sometimes from a distance you might see them, but they run when they hear even the tiniest sound. That's why when we were all hanging out on the carport one weekend it was a shock when a tiny little head popped out from under her porch. We counted and there were three little kittens. They were terrified and would run back under the porch. Two white kittens and one grey kitten.

To give you some background I've begged Jeremy to get a kitten for years. I've ALWAYS loved cats. He always said no. lol

A few days went by and I couldn't get the kittens off my mind. So I made a deal with Jeremy. Let me bring them home and give me two days to attempt to tame them and find them good homes.

He agreed, but said on day 3 I would have to take them back to my mamaws if no one had taken them.

I went and bought some wet cat food and a litter scoop. We feed a few stray cats outside so we had cat food and litter boxes and litter because of Thumper ( Our Rabbit.)

I had pet carrier in tow and off to mamaws I went on a mission. IT WAS NOT EASY! I set food out and sat on top of the porch ready to grab when they came out. Not long and a white kitty poked its head out and went and began eating the food. I quietly but quickly slipped my hand between the porch rails and picked it up like its mama would. It let out high pitched screams, but I managed to get it in the carrier. Then I waited and waited. The gray one was the most skittish, rarely even poking his head out from the porch at all. So I was surprised when he ventured out next, but it wasn't food he was going for. He came  out to investigate his brothers persistant cries. I grabbed him before he knew it. He frailed, clawed, and hollered. Until I set him in the carrier. Him and his brother curled up and fell asleep. Only I didn't want them to sleep I wanted them to keep crying in hopes their brother would come investigate too. I waited for three more hours. I did not want to leave one behind, but I ended up having to. 

Home we came. They hissed when you touch them,but I didn't stop trying. I placed them in a (BIG) box in our breezeway. I had promised as part of the deal that they wouldn't come in the house. I gave them food and water and placed a litterbox in with them. I gave them some space, but would go out often and pick them up and pet them. Connor would go out and say hi to them repeatedly too. ( so stinking sweet.)

Jeremy came home from work and as soon as he held them I knew he was hooked. Next thing I knew their box was in the living room.

They were eating hard food when I took them, but I still was unsure of their age so I couldn't use flea and tick shampoo. Instead I used Dawn Dish soap which is suppose to kill fleas. I never saw any, but they needed a bath anyway.

Jeremy said since they were so scared I should keep them a few weeks before trying to find them homes. I got them kitten milk replacer which they lapped up each day as well as cat food. They used the litterbox from day one. They were a lot of fun. I just knew I would fall for the white one, but it was the grey one that got me.

They were both boys and since they would be here a couple weeks I decided to name them, LEO and LOKI.  By day 3 they would come up and sit in my lap.

I was honestly shocked. I knew we were getting super attached so I told Jeremy I thought it was time to try to find Leo a home. We agreed we would wait on Loki since he seemed to be the runt. Within a few hours Leo had a home with a friend of mine.  When Leo left Loki became super attached to us. He has to be touching one of us at all times and insist on sleeping in my lap.

I think we always knew Loki was home.
We just cannot part with him.

We were obviously concerned with Thumper. The first time he saw them he gave us his first Thump, which in case you didn't know its not a cute thing like on Bambi. Since he has really come around and is very interested in Loki. I think in time Loki might even win him over. 

What started out as a mission to rescue a few kittens and give them a better life ended with one of the better lifes being with us. 💓

Mission Accomplished.


* I've been back several times to attempt to catch the last kitten with no luck. He is a smart little feller/ or lady. Ill keep trying. 😏

Making a change...

  Heys Guys!  I know every single time I post I talk about getting on here more , and then its weeks/ months before I post again. I honestly think a lot of that is because were home right now and so I'm not having as many interactions with others. Believe it or not sometimes I have nothing to say. Haha

I have a couple things I wanna address If you know me personally and have been apart of Connors page ( Resilient Connor) on facebook than you know things are changing.

I've been super convicted for a while now about what I post about Connor. I always did it out of a good place. It was always about my love for him and as a tool to help advocate for Adoption as well as Down Syndrome. I will not be quiet, but I am taking a step back as far as posting some of the more private matters such as Medical and Development info. This is a tough decision to make. I started Resilient Connor when Connor was in the hospital and we came close to losing him. The page was a way to keep friends and family update each day on how he was doing. After that I continued sharing about specialist appointments and many other details about Connor. Over the last few weeks Ive felt compelled to stop in order to protect him and his privacy. Connor is getting older. This world is a cruel heartless place, and its time to step back a little in order to ensure hes safe. I will still be sharing about Connor of course, it just wont be as indepth info as you've seen before.

I have changed his page to A Million Moments. It will be my blog, and continue stories about our day to day life, as well as thoughts from me. Connor will still be the most talked about topic I can assure you so don't feel sad just yet. 😉

 So if your on facebook feel free to hop on over and like my page  A Million Moments. 

I think that's all I have for now guys. Ill be back soonish. 😝

Wordless Wednesday

 

Essential Season...

  For everything there is a season right.... We've all heard it, most of us even know it by heart. However when its not the "season" we want we try to  skip it, push it aside.  Me included. During our infertility, and then during our adoption journey it was a season of waiting. I didn't want that season. Personally if I'm being honest it was a horrible season We live in a hurry up and go go go world. None of us want to wait. However looking back it might have felt horrible at times, but in reality it was one of the most essential seasons of my life. I grew more in that season than I could ever even explain. I evolved into the woman I needed to be, into the mother I needed to be.  So as much as I wish I could have skipped that season it was a very  important time in my life, a essential time for the growth and change that I didn't even know I needed.

  We all are in a weird season right now. Whether were stuck home or a essential worker. Whether were staying in or going out as normal. Scared or think its a hoax.  Regardless were affected  in some way or another. I won't begin to tell you how to feel or what to do. Because to be honest I don't know how to feel myself most days, but I can tell you that you should do what is best for your family. Remember that this season will pass too. I don't know when and I don't know how, but this too shall pass.

  In the meantime maybe just maybe this season is essential.  Ask youself What can I learn during this season?? How am I growing and changing due to the situation I'm in??  How do I want to come out of this season??  What is this season teaching me??

And maybe just maybe we'll look back and see just how essential this season was for us personally. Changed from who we were before into the best version of us to accomplish the next season ahead.

** I do want to note that my heart goes out to all those who have lost loved ones during this time, and am in no way making light of this situation You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Wordless Wednesday...