Are you scared of the future??

Are you Scared of the Future??


There has never been a tougher question for me to answer. Honestly I dont even know how to truly answer because no matter what I say I feel like someone will look down on me for even thinking such thoughts.

I am scared of the future.

I know that may come as a shock since we chose this life. We chose to adopt Connor. We chose to parent a child with Down Syndrome.

 However that doesnt mean we dont feel fear.  So many questions that no one can answer and only time will tell. We all know that the unknown is scary so why is it so hard to believe that special needs parents are scared of the future.

Will He read??

Will He write??

At what point will his intellectual learning stop??

Will He know he is different??

When will Mental Retardation be added to his diagnosis and medical records?? Mild?? Moderate?? Severe??
How will I handle that day??

Will he be able to do simple task like tie his shoes??

Will He speak?? Yes he can say a few words, but will He have meaningful  conversations??

Will He  always need assistance or  prompts for everyday task such as bathing??

Will he always need reminded to brush his teeth or wear his coat in the winter??

Will he display aggressive behaviors??

He loves music and to be sung to, but will he be able to sing??

Will he be picked on??

Will He be much older when he is ready to be potty trained?? Will he ever be potty trained??

Will he be made fun of??

 Who will he be?? What will he be like??

The questions fill my mind often and there are no answers. No doctor, No test, No one can tell me. Time will tell is the only answer I have. And YES its scary.

However I love him. I love him right where he is and if he never learns another thing I love him still.

 If He can never read a book to me or write his name. Ill be there reading to him and writing for him.

Ill tie his shoes if he cant, and Ill pick myself up the day Mental Retardation is added to his chart and press ahead. Ill hand him his coat as we head out the door on winter days, and Ill ask him if he remembered to brush his teeth.

Ill change his diapers when im old and gray if I need to, and Ill sing to him even if he cant sing for me. If I have to Ill block his kicks and hits and remind him to be kind.

Ill help him bathe each day and Ill talk to him, even if he cant talk back to me. Ill remind him everyday of how He is fearfully and wonderfully made and that no one has ever been as proud as I am of him.

I am scared of the future, and thats ok. That doesnt mean I love him less, and it certainly doesnt mean that I dont think im the luckiest Woman alive to be his mom. No matter what the future holds I will stand proud beside him and I will never stop believing that he is absolutely perfect just the way he is.

Your our Greatest Adventure

Have we talked lately about how cute this boy is???

He is growing so fast and it seems so surreal that he has been home 14 months!!!! It seems like yesterday that we arrived in Hong Kong and I had my first night of doubts.

We arrived in Hong Kong exhausted after a 20 hour day of  travel . We rode quietly in the taxi to our hotel as I looked out the window at all the tall buildings trying to take everything in, I became filled with fear and ill never forget that feeling or the one question that keep going through my head " What are we doing??" We can't do this. We are about to take home a child we know nothing about. This is insane. What are we doing??

Surprisingly up until that point i had been the picture of strong. Sure I had my days of tears, but I never ever doubted. I just wanted to get to the finish line, to meet my baby and bring him home, to start our lives together.  Now here I was thinking the whole thing was completely wrong. We couldnt do this.  I let a few tears fall while begging myself to hold it together. I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack which did not need to happen. So I begin to pray. I told God I knew he hadnt brought us this far to leave us now. I told Him I knew this was his plan, but that the fear was overtaking me in this moment. I told him I needed Him and I asked for a sign. A sign that would calm me, a sign that reminded me that everything was gonna be ok. Thats the moment I remember looking towards the front of the taxi and seeing those bold letter spelled out on the dash. And just like that a peace fell over me, and I knew we were here for our son and that everything was going to be ok. Those bold letters spelled out our sons last name. Which just so happened to be the cab drivers last name ( Dont worry it wasnt his  biological dad.) It was a simple sign that had been there the moment we got in the taxi and yet God knew to put us in that specific taxi. Because he knows what the future holds long before it happens. And he knew We needed this child. He knew we would mark no next to the words Down Syndrome on paperwork specifying what we were open to. He knew that our hearts would soften as we set our fears and uncertainty aside and followed him. He knew our son. He knew the joy this specific child would bring us, and yet he watched as we said no. As we let fear stand in the way of our greatest blessing in life.

How often does God watch you say no to his plan for you?? How often are you cheating yourself out of something that will bring you so much joy?? Trust Him. Trust His plan. And take heart in knowing he will be there every scary step of the way.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6 

Dont miss out on your greatest adventure,  like we almost did.

He doesnt do that!

   I wanna address something that I have heard before not specifically about my child, but about people with Down Syndrome in general. While I can't speak for everyone with Down Syndrome I can speak about Connor. So here goes...


      Connor does not Suffer from Down Syndrome. I know people who say people suffer from Down Syndrome most often just mean they have Down Syndrome, but we should be careful with our wording.

Connor is wild! He laughs, He plays, He gets mad and his biggest thing recently is to talk back ( were working on this;/ ) ( I know what your thinking he is pretty much nonverbal right now so how does he talk back, trust me he does. He yells, he gestures, I promise he back talks.) He cries, some days alot mostly when he is told no or gets in trouble. He loves music and to dance. He loves stairs, although he will pretend to be too tired to walk up them, and then if you dont want him to go up them he will go up and down them a million times without getting tired. What I can assure you he doesnt do is suffer.

He loves books and cards. He likes to color. He loves tablets/Ipads. He loves other kids, especially babies.

He has a contagious smile and brings joy to any room he is in.  He loves to eat and will let you know he is hungry by signing eat or more or when he is home by going into the pantry and bringing out what he wants. Although the other night he brought me a can of peas which i can assure you he did not want and sometimes he signs eat/more when he is bored and you know he isnt actually hungry.

He can say mama, dada, hi, bye,  nite nite, mickey mouse, and batman. However  its just babbling that he loves to do most. He loves to be sung to and knows many hand motions to songs. His favorites are "Wheels on the Bus", " This little light of mine", "Deep and Wide"," The itsy bitsy spider", " Head shoulders Knees and Toes", and the prayer song we sing before meals and at bedtime.

He loves Church and gets very excited when we arrive each sunday. He loves school, and is getting better about being friendly with those he is familiar with. However He definitely has a mind of his own and may want nothing to do with you one minute and reach for you the next,

He hits his milestones in his time and his way, and were cool with that. We push him to be his best and yet we love him right where he is. He does alot and yet there is still plenty he cannot do yet. And still I wanna shout from the mountain tops, he doesnt suffer.

He gets sick alot, and we have to take extra precautions, but still I wouldnt say he suffers. So When I hear someone say " So and So suffers from Down Syndrome" I cringe a little. Because again I cant speak for everyone, but I can say Connor does not suffer from Down Syndrome.

He has Down Syndrome. He also has ten fingers and ten toes. A big appetite, and sometimes a attitude. He is stubborn and sweet. He is caring and  yet sometimes forgets to share.  He is a social butterfly and sometimes he is content being by himself. He loves hugs and kisses, however there are times he doesnt want  to be touched  and is not afraid to let you know it.  He has a big heart and can be sensitive.

He is content, unless sick or sleepy. He loves toys, and to go places. Although he is super content to be home and at the end of the day he wants his bed and is all about his routine. He goes with the flow and does well with changes, but they do throw him off since he likes structure and things the same.

He knows his family, even if he wont say your name. He understands much more than he can verbalize. He can follow simple commands, although again he is stubborn and has a mind of his own for sure.

For the most part I bet this has sounded like I have described a child you know, aside from Down Syndrome, and guess what your absolutely right, Because were more alike than different. So Connor does alot of things, but He doesnt suffer from Down Syndrome. Its who he is, just like his heart beating. He is so much more than Down Syndrome and yet thats a part of him just like his dark eyes and black hair. Its a beautiful part just like him. Its simple and yet sometimes complicated. Down Syndrome and suffering do not belong in the same sentence in my opinion.

Connor does alot of things, but he doesnt suffer from Down Syndrome.

No one tells you that

           Everyone tells you being a mother is going to be amazing!! They tell you how indescribable a love it is. They tell you its like having your heart walk around outside your body.  They tell you all that and so much more about the wonder of motherhood.

Oh they are absolutely right!! Nothing anyone says can prepare you for how awesome it is. It is the most overwhelming feeling and the purest love you will ever know.

However its so much more too that no one mentions.  Its hard yall! No one mentions that. Its exhausting!! Somedays its overwhelmingly hard!! That doesnt mean you dont love your child. There isnt anything I would not do for Connor. I would lay down my life to protect him without a second thought. And yet still I wont deny that being a mother is so stinking hard!!!

One reason is because there is no day off. Sure they can spend the night with family and you get a little break. But lets face it you will probably spend that break cleaning up the playroom, or finally folding those mountains of clothes you have put off folding.

Another reason its so hard is you dont become a mother and all your other responsibilities vanish. No your just adding a million more responsibilities to your already full list.  Im still a wife, I still work outside the home, more laundry, more dishes, more bills. I could go on and on but you get my point.

Oh and simple task just got very much complicated. Even going to the grocery store becomes a chore with kids in tow. Wanna take a spontaneous trip, ha it takes so much planning and packing it definitely loses some of its fun factor.  The laundry will never be completely done and your house will never be 100% clean, not for long anyway.

I could keep going but I wont.

Now lets talk about the good cause it far outweighs the rest!

Your heart will never be so full!! They will bring a joy that you never knew you were missing and yet you cannot fathom how you ever lived without!

You will rejoice in each milestone! You will fight for them with a strength you never knew you possessed. You will laugh harder and more often than you ever have. You will dance, you will sing, you will baby talk, you wont care whose watching. You will change, you will bend, you will find your way, and if your anything like me you will never look back. Because you wont want to. Cause no matter how different your life looked before, no matter how much easier it was, or how much more time you had for yourself , youll now realize just how much you were missing out on.

That little face will change you forever. And you will be proud to be known as

__(insert childs name)_s____ Mom. You wont mind that you lost so much of who you were when they came along, because you will love who they make you. They make you mom and if your like me no title has ever felt so good.

So yes its hard, really hard!!! But its worth every second. You are doing something so important. You are making a difference in a life. You are someones whole world. You are raising a human being. And if your like me you'll agree that you are raising the MOST INCREDIBLE ONE ON EARTH!!!

  So nope no one tells you about the hard days, but thats because the good outweigh them by far!!!

This too shall pass, and it did.

  Hey guys I wanted to give you a quick update on Connor because I have been asked alot lately how he is doing. First let me say I am so grateful for all those who have asked and prayed throughout this season of sickness. To say it has been rough would be a  understatement. For 4 months I watched Connor struggle. I pumped antibiotics into his tiny body like the doctors said to. We went through a scary hospitalization, had at least 20 dr appointments, went to two different specialist, and have done at least a million breathing treatments.

        Most everyone knows on February 1st Connor had surgery to put tubes in his ears. It seemed the pneumonia, unknown virus, and respiratory infection were behind us. Surgery went perfect and it is unbelievable the difference we now see in Connor.

He laughs and plays and is wild 24/7. He drinks more than I have ever seen him drink.  It seems that the season of sickness is behind us finally.

I am so glad this seems to be behind us and we can move forward with our healthy happy boy again.

For awhile there were no smiles, no babbles, no playing or laughing. He just wasn't Connor anymore and it was so so scary. He was lethargic and it seemed to be a new symptom daily. He was so so sick for so so long. At one point his fever was 104 and I was so so afraid.

Today I see my sweet Connor back and if its even possible its a much happier and more joyful boy than I have ever seen. No fever, No pain, and He can finally hear clearly. My prayers for all this to pass have been answered!!

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for praying, texting, calling, and just listening. You all have been amazing and we are so grateful for the incredible support system we have.

From the doctors and staff at Covenant Pediatrics, to Sweetwater ER, to Childrens Hospital, to Dr Belmont ( ENT), to Dr Kureshi (pulmonologist) to all those who prayed. To all those who checked on us. You will never know how much you helped us through the toughest, most heartbreaking time of our life. Your care for Connor and prayers are the reason I have my smiley happy wild child sleeping snugly in his bed tonight.

Most importantly I am eternally grateful to God who never leaves us and who carried me through these incredibly bad 4 months.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.   Matthew 25:35

Connor update

 Most of you know Connor got sick in October and aside for being ok for about a week and a half has pretty much been sick and on antibotics since then.

October- ear infection

November -  cold, hospitalized for pnuemonia,  stomach virus, er trip due to high fever and non stop crying, verdict ear infection

December- Ear infection, cold

January- Ear infection, cold

We saw a ENT and have surgery  scheduled to have tubes put in his ears Feb 1. Connors ears are completely impacted with built up ear wax over the years. He had lots of fluid behind his ear drums and more than likely has always heard like he is underwater.

We saw a Pulmonologist ( lung doctor) in January. Connor has scarring in his right lung. He could have aspirated on food at some point in his life or it could have been from the pneumonia. This is something that will be watched and monitored as he grows.

Connors takes a steroid through his nebulizer  both morning and night. He also does breathing treatments as needed however when he has a cold he will do then every 4 hours.

Connor is also on antibiotics until surgery. The reason beings is his doctors do not expect his ear infection to clear up and to keep him healthy and comfortable its important he take the antibiotic until his surgery date.

Continue to pray that he could get well and remain well by feb 1. It is so crucial that he has the surgery!!

Thank you for your prayers, calls, text, and messages concerning my guy. We are so thankful for all the love and support he has,

The night my mothers instincts kicked in....

It was black friday and Connor had been sick with a cold a little over a week. He had been to the dr on tuesday, but he wasnt improving. He wouldnt eat or drink and for the most part laid around lifeless. His fever was spiking randomly, he had horrible diarrhea, and he was just pitiful. After his appt tuesday he was put on antibiotics and I convinced myself things would get better soon, I had no idea that they would get far worse and not better, On friday November 28, 2016 I was working as usual when I had a urge to text my mom ( who was babysitting Connor for me while I worked) and check on him. When she told me he was just laying around and pretty lifeless. I knew something was very wrong. I called the on call doctor ( they were closed due to the holiday).  She asked me when was the last time he peed and thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. His diaper that morning although filled with diarrhea had no pee in it. I was told he needed to be took to the Emergency Room IMMEDIATELY!! I called my supervisor and left work within minutes. My mom was gonna meet me with Connor at the ER so I raced home to get his SS Card and birth certificate ( I was panicking not sure why i thought I needed his birth certificate.)  During all this I of course had called Jeremy. When I got home as I got everything I needed, I remember sitting on the couch and telling Jeremy I think they will send us to childrens and I think somethings very wrong.

 How could I have known?? What made me say enoughs enough and call the doctor?? 

I remember the moment they said we are gonna call childrens and see what they recommend, but our reccomendation is that he  be transferred there by ambulance. 

I didnt fall apart, I didnt even cry. because somehow I knew.  God had prepared me. Im certainly not saying I have it all together or that I know it all, but somehow on that day God filled me in on what was to come. 

I watch my baby being strapped to a gurney, I walked behind him being wheeled to the ambulance clutching tight to his fire truck feetie pjs. And I was broken inside and yet somehow I remained strong. Because Gods strength is perfect when our strength is gone. My Rock had made me a rock.  And although it was horrifying I will never forget the night my mothers instincts kicked in. 

So you may think I am overly paranoid now. And honestly I would have to agree with you. We went from a stuffy nose and cough to pneumonia within 3 days, I watched my sweet boy become so weak and it happened so quickly. So yes we go to the doctor alot and now have two specialist we will probably have to see throughout his life. But no matter how silly you may think im being I will trust my instincts and maybe their not always right but they were right before and Im thankful I listened, 

Everyday is not a good day, but there is something good in every day.

What it means to be your mother....

    Connor, one year ago you were discharged from the orphanage and  we officially began our life together as a family of three. This first year with you has truly flown by and I now know what parents mean when they say dont blink. You have taught me so much this past year and I am honored to be your mother!!


  But what does it really mean to be your mother.

First off let me say its the greatest job I have ever had!!


But with it comes plenty of stress and worry.

IEP meetings, Dr appointments, specialist, Therapies, etc etc etc.

Then theres the hugs and kisses.

The sweet smiles  and giggles.

The good far outweighs the bad.

Its hard, sometimes I struggle and its ok to admit that.

However I wouldnt change a thing.

Sometimes the world thinks I have it all together and sometimes all they see is the struggles.

But what the world doesnt always see is the endless joy.

You have a joy like no other.

Even though somethings are harder for you, you never let it stop you.

You are inspirational.

Not only do you possess so much joy, but you are able to make others feel joy just by being there.

The world can learn alot from you. You have so much to offer this cruel world.

Being your mother means love, happiness, and yet its messy and tough.

It means expecting the unexpected and rolling with the punches.

Its mean sometimes we take the scenic route and thats ok.

It means milestones might take a little longer to hit, but oh the dance party we have when you hit them.

It means stares and questions and thats ok. Because we get to educate others. We get to show that Down Syndrome is not scary.

It mean we get to share our story which means we get to share Gods story too. Because without Him our story wouldnt have happened.

It means explaining that we dont always have all the answers, but we can trust God and step out in faith regardless.

It means educating others about adoption, and how its possible for a child to be just as much yours as if they were biologically.

It means showing that adoption is possible regardless of your bank account.

It means embracing the babbles, even though we pray for words.

It means  instead of me reading books to you, being hopeful that one day you'll read them to me.

It means having faith that one day together we can change the worlds mind about those with disabilities.

It means complicated, it means simple, it means tears, it means smiles, it means laughter, it means pain.

It means everything to me.

It means until there is no longer breath in my body I have the responsibility to love, protect, teach, and care for you. I dont take my job lightly and its not always easy.  But you are worth every second.

If I havent told you lately you are loved beyond belief, you are the reason I keep going each day, you are the reason I smile, the reason I feel proud, the reason life is fun, the reason I  get to see God on a daily basis, the reason I know He loves us so much, the reason I now know His plans are always for our good. The reason I believe all things really are possible with God. The reason my heart feels like its gonna overflow on a daily basis.

Thats what it mean to be your mother.

Happy Metcha day Connor!!!!

 One year ago we walked through those orphanage doors knowing you were on the other side. I could never explain what it was like to lay my eyes on you for the first time. To finally hold you in my arms.

                            

It was the best feeling to know that we would never be apart again.  You were more beautiful than we ever could have imagined and your pictures did you no justice. You were absolutely perfect in our eyes. We  were filled with such pride and although we thought we loved you before we realized that up until that moment we had never known a love so pure and unconditional. 

We are  so thankful that God allowed us to be a family.

 Happy Metcha day Connor!!! 

January 8, 2015

I still remember the day we left. I still remember how many emotions I felt. Excited, nervous,anxious, and about a million other emotions all at once.

January 8, 2015 We left to go meet and bring our son home. We left for Hong Kong. We left incomplete, and came back whole. We came back with a piece that for 21 months we worked hard for. The paperwork, the worry, the red tape, the stress. None of it mattered anymore because the moment we had dreamed about for so long would be coming true in a matter of days.

 We took one last picture of us before we met the love of our life. One last photo before we even knew what unconditional love for a child meant. Before everything about us changed. Oh yes we thought we loved him then, we thought we were parents then, but we were about to look into those dark eyes and realize we didnt know the half of it.

 We boarded the plane and had the longest flight ever! Three layovers and one flight was 16 hours on its own!!! But nothing could take away our excitement and joy.  We were going to meet and bring home our son. Something we had worked so hard for for 21 months and it was finally time.

We finally arrived and as we rode in the taxi to our hotel I snapped this photo. It was so overwhelming to know I was within minutes of my son. I was so overwhelmed by Gods goodness.

We arrived at our hotel exhausted. However it was so hard to sleep when it was day time at home.  We spent the next two days resting, and sightseeing before the big day.  

  Look for another post soon about the big meeting with our sweet Connor. 

Connor health update

  Hey guys just wanted to update you all on whats going on with Connor health wise.

He is doing AMAZING!!!

 He is playing and being wild 24/7! Of course he is still on a steroid so we are anxious to see how he does once it ends this weekend.  He is so so happy and to be honest he is acting happier and better than he has in months ( again could be partly the steroid.)

We are so thankful that Connor is doing so much better and are so ready to put these last few months behind us.

Connor will see a ENT specialist this coming week and a  pulmonary specialist ( lung specialist ) the following week. We are nervous and yet also anxious for answers. We will be scheduling a eye doctor appointment soon as Connors nystagmus has been acting up alot more lately. Which could be due to the breathing treatments. (He is doing breathing treatments every 4-6 hours and has a new medicine given as a breathing treatment morning and night that he will be on from now on. ) Nystagmus is where the eyes have uncontrolled movement. In Connors case they jerk back and forth horizontally. This normally last a few seconds, but its beginning to happen more and more often. Its not anything that seems to affect him in the slightest. He acts like nothing at all is happening. 

So that is where were at right now. We are soaking up these healthy happy moments since its been so long since we have had them. We are looking forward to celebrating our one year together this month and will be having a photo shoot this weekend so you can look forward to some new cute photos soon. 

We appreciate everyones text, phone calls, visits and most importantly prayers during Connors sickness. 

Connors says you can stop worrying about me,.