Baby pictures of Connor

Daddy.....

   Ya'll I speak so often about Connor being a Mamas boy, and posting our picture ( daddy doesnt like being in pictures much) that some may think where is his daddy??

So here it is a post about Daddy.

Did you know that Connor attached to Daddy almost immediately!! The two were inseparable, and as sad as I was that Connor wasn't a fan of mama at first I am eternally grateful for how he loved his daddy from the start. In the mist of my own sorrow, my heart also soared seeing the bond they had.

And although attachment came just around the corner for Connor and I, it didnt lessen his love for daddy. Too often I see parents ( who are no longer together,)( we are very much happily married) trying to act as if the child loves the other parent more or less. We shouldnt do that. We should encourage a healthy relationship with both parents. (sorry ya'll rant over haha). Anyway my point is he loves us both equally and just because alot of what I post is me and Connor, and  I have referred to him as a mamas boy in reality he is OUR boy!!

I was reminded of their special bond yesterday when Connor wasnt feeling well. He had been asleep for hours on the couch with me as I watched every single breath to ensure he wasnt struggling ( he has pneumonia alot and im unashamed when I tell you im completely and utterly over the top paranoid.) Connor woke up and let me hold him for awhile when suddenly he kept pointing to his head. Id been begging him to tell mama what hurt all day so I thought at last its his head. I kept saying does your head hurt?? This went on for a few minutes when finally he got up and pointed to this picture on the wall.

He was signing Daddy!!! ( He doesn't sign it exactly correct, but hes trying;)  I said oh you want daddy and Connor shook his head yes. It was one of the sweetest moments I've witnessed. He was hurting and he knew who he feels safest with. I am so grateful that Connor has a daddy who loves and protects him and im even more grateful that Connor knows and realizes this!!!

Daddy arrived home from work not long after. :)

Heres a adorable video of Connor in daddys work shirt ( he signs daddy in it.)

Our Story is so Important.....

      Last week Connor, LaLa ( my mom), and myself were eating in a restaurant when it became apparent we were being watched. A older couple in a booth across from us watched and smiled at practically every move Connor made. It was one of those good days when he was giggling and being wildly cute. We got up to leave and the lady said "I dont wanna offend you but is he adopted??"  I wont lie sometimes this is immediately annoying, but because of her sweet voice and gentle body language my guard never went up. I said yes he is, while I brushed his hair out of his eyes. She smiled and said "Our James is adopted too. He's from Albania." I replied "Thats awesome! Connor is from Hong Kong", She smiled and said "yes." ( I often forget that most people have already filled in that gap. haha) She then said " James is 30 now. It goes by so quickly how old is he??" I told her " hes six today." Her husband said " Well Happy Birthday Buddy."   Connor was grinned at them at this point so I said tell them bye at which he ran over to their table and hugged them both. I left feeling pretty incredible, because they got it. They didnt need to know all the details to reach out and connect with me.  

  This interaction left me with a few thoughts. First off how awesome to know theres still nice folks in this world. Second, how often do I immediately put my guard up and feel annoyed when the person is more than likely well meaning and just curious, and Third and the biggest thing I took away from this encounter is our story is important. 

I dont mean  to sound high and mighty. Yall know thats not me at all. I dont want the spot light to be placed on us, or even on Connor. I want the spotlight to always fall on God. The creator of the Universe who put all things in motion, and by his divine intervention made us a family. Our story is only important because it shows His love and grace. It shows how he works all things out for our good if we trust Him and will let Him use us. 

I was driving today, listening to the radio and Connors babbles from the backseat when a song came on the radio that spoke deeply to me. Its called Confidence and its by Sanctus Real. ( I"ll link it below.) The first verse goes like this.

I’m not a warrior
I’m too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what you’re calling me to
But Lord with your strength
I’ve got no excuse
'Cause broken people are exactly who you use.

I cannot even explain how these words spoke to me. I know I share alot, like a whole lot, but our story is so important. Not because of us, were ordinary people. Nothing about  us is anything special, but God used us in a very special way.

I can vividly remember feeling unqualified. Name a excuse and I promise I tried to use it. You wanna talk about being afraid, I cannot even describe to you the fear i felt. Broken people, thats us to a T.  But God!!! God chose us to parent this beautiful boy. This innocent child who needed us.

Those first few weeks Connor called us both mama. To some thats odd, but really it makes perfect sense. Mama was whoever took care of him. Mama wasnt a specific person,because he wasnt aware it was suppose to be. But God! God picked me. God made me mama. Now im the only one he calls that name, he knows that mama is me, and just me.

That part of our story is important. Gods perfect plan shines so brightly through when I tell that part. Its important that its shared. 

Connor spent the beginnings of his life in foster care before being moved to the orphanage. Connor was given a farewell party before leaving the orphanage with us ( a tradition for all the children before going home.) We had the privilege of meeting Connors foster mother when she came to his farewell party. They made a circle with us at the front and asked if anyone had anything they wanted to say to us or connor. She stepped forward, she spoke no english and used a interpreter, but she didnt let that stop her. Her words are forever etched in my mind.  "When Connor was a baby, I looked in his eyes everyday I prayed for you to come. I prayed for him to have a mother and father to love him. I can tell you love him. And today my prayers are answered. You are the answer to our prayers for Connor."

I saw a different side for the first time when I heard her words. Because we prayed for so long for a child, all we saw was OUR prayers being answered. Connor was our answered prayer, but when she spoke and I looked at all the tear filled eyes and head nods surrounding me I realized to them WE were the answered prayer. 

I share all this to say If you feel God urging you to speak, do it. Dont make a excuse. Dont let your words coming out unclear stop you. Dont be afraid to speak to a stranger in a restaurant. Your story is important. It could shed a whole knew light on someones situation. Your words could change everything, it could be just what someone needs.  Dont let fear hold you back. Dont feel or  worry about being unqualified. Follow God. Never Forget Your Story is Important!

Click here to hear the song Confidence by Sanctus Real

A very Significant Birthday.....

Happy Birthday my precious Connor!!!

This year is a very significant birthday because Connor has finally spent as many birthdays with us as he spent without us.  We might have missed his first three birthdays, but looking back we know he was loved and celebrated for his big days!!!

This last picture was taken on  Connors third birthday when he was told he had a Mama and Daddy coming for him soon and he was introduced to us for the first time through video and pictures!!

Its so apparent through the photos that each birthday were such special occasions. I have tons more pictures with cakes and streamers and party hats ( the other children are in them so I will not be sharing those.)

And then of course Connors 4th birthday was his first birthday with us. 

 Then was number 5

And then somehow today is Birthday number 6!!! 

 We love you so much Connor and we are so incredibly proud of the little boy your becoming!!!

I don't tell you everything.....

 Hi guys first off let me say im sorry if this is a little scattered im literally a little wonky after getting a steroid shot earlier today ( Sinus infection.) Anyway Ive had something on my mind lately and I think its time to let it out so here goes nothing.....


I dont tell you everything....

I know this will come as a shock to some since I do share quite a bit on social media, but theres a whole lot I do not share.. First let me say that I do not think social media is a place to air out all your dirty laundry.  Its just asking for trouble which is one reason I dont do drama on social media, I just dont have the time or energy for that stuff. Anyway on the other hand as a advocate for Adoption, Down Syndrome, Medical issues, and just day to day life as a special needs mama I feel its so important that I stay open and honest. Not to seek attention, but in hopes that if someone else is struggling with similar issues they will see my story as either a light at the end of the tunnel, or they could even be my light at the end of the tunnel. However  we'll never know if were not open. We are all struggling at one time or another with one thing or another so be kind and if you have experience by all means offer support, in a non opinionated, unbossy way of course.  So with that being said here's a little insight to the things I keep to myself....

 This morning for instance I posted a picture of Connor because it was picture day and he was all dressed up. He was smiling and happy as could be waiting for the bus, but what I didnt mention is that picture was taken after a major breakdown this morning.

 See what I have only mentioned to a handful of close family and friends is Connor has started yelling and screaming when he gets mad. It always results in tears ( sometimes from both of us.) And What ive never told anyone is I have no idea what to do. On the one hand I will not allow my child to scream at me when he doesnt get his way, and yet deep down I know most of the root of the problem is hes frustrated because he cant make the words in his head come out. Connor is extremely smart, theres not a doubt in my mind that he knows what he wants to say, but he cant make it come out. Can you imagine how frustrating that is???   What I've never even said outloud to a soul is my heart breaks wide open, not because it bothers me that hes nonverbal, but because I know it bothers him. Because I know he has so much he wants to say. What ive never told anyone, but his daddy is im afraid of the future. Ya know when hes bigger than me. Im afraid of him being aggressive and  having behavior issues. Im scared of the day We might have to make a decision about medications, Im scared of being looked down on because of future choices we could possibily have to make for him. Thats my truth. Thats the reality. Thats the part I leave out. I leave it out because I want to assure you that life is so good, and thats not a lie because it is!! I love my life. I love my husband, I love my child. I love my job. I love my family. I love my Coworkers. I love my life you get the picture. And the last thing I wanna do is make anyone think any different. The last thing I wanna do is fail at advocating, or scare anyone from thinking they can parent a child with special needs. And yet at the same time part of advocating is telling the whole truth, not just parts of it.

 So life is wonderful, what I share is not a lie. However the part I often leave out is life is difficult too. We struggle. We cry ( yes both of us.) We  have mountains to still climb. We certainly dont have all the answers, and it can be oh so scary sometimes. Thats the part I leave out. Thats the part I rarely shine light on, because to let it all out might make one think that the good isnt really so good which is entirely untrue. Connors abilities far outweigh his disability. He is so so much more than Down Syndrome. He is perfect to us despite the delays and struggles. And yet when I dont talk about them, when I dont share the entire truth I  actually could be hurting my advocacy. I could be failing to help someone that can relate to us, someone that our story could have helped.  So im laying it all out there and my hope is that it will help someone else, and my prayer is that im not misunderstood like I often am when I attempt to be honest and open about everything not being all rainbows and butterflies. But I believe the whole truth is important so here it is...

What I post on social media is not a lie, but its not everything.

Life is beautiful and were happy, oh so happy. But what I dont share is Life is hard too. Its messy and loud and yet calm and peaceful. Its tears of sadness and frustration and yet its unbelieveable joy and endless laughter. Its unfathomably difficult days that are then followed by fun filled happy days.  Its yelling and defiance and then hugs and kisses, lots of kisses. Its mean looks from others when he refuses to walk and me carrying him and yet also mean looks when  I tell him he has to walk and him sitting down in the middle of wherever we are. Its trying to balance when to be tough and when to be gentle and soft. Its having no idea what the right thing to do is because your child is not typical and yet knowing that you want to raise him the way you would any other child. Its knowing that you cant. Its knowing that you can. Its tears of joy when he hits a new milestone ( he signed potty repeatedly one afternoon and was successful each time) followed by tears of frustration ( he hasnt signed it since and uses his diaper even after just being took to the potty.) Its being over the moon proud, and then feeling lost and unsure where to turn. Its admitting these truths even when you know you'll be looked at as weak, dramatic, and possibly even uncaring. Its knowing that its okay to say I have no idea what im doing, but I love my child exactly the way he is even on the really hard days. Its knowing that some will see your honesty as complaining and question why you chose this life.

 Its knowing that sometimes its best to not tell everything, and yet knowing that telling the whole truth is important when appropriate.  Its understanding the balance. Its juggling it all, and yet still shouting from the roof top that You love every single part of your life. Its being thankful for those difficult days and knowing that laughter and kisses will follow. Its knowing that tomorrows a new day and no matter what you got this.

I dont tell you everything, but today I stepped out of my box and now you know it all.

Kindergarten

 How is this even possible???? 

   Connor started PreK at age three ( shortly after arriving home).  So one might think that Kindergarten would be no big deal. Hes been at this school for 3 years ( the way his birthday falls he missed the cut off to start K last year.) But Ya'll if your a parent then you know that theres something so BIG about Kindergarten.

( This is Connor on his first day of Prek.)

Connor loves school,  this will be a new teacher, new aides, and new classroom, but he loves school so I have no doubt that he'll adjust immediately and do great. So its not really a terrible amount of worry or fear in those aspects for us, but still its so hard to fathom that hes already a kindergartener!!!

I hear moms say all the time that their child will always be their baby in their eyes, and its so true. No matter how much I  try to come to grasp that next month he'll be 6 years old he remains the same in my heart.  In my heart he'll always be that tiny guy I scoped off the orphanage floor. The little man that  at three years old only ate pureed foods and amazes me daily the way he eats anything and everything now. The dude that wanted nothing to do with anyone, but me and daddy. Who only babbled and yet now says a couple words clearly. Forever my overcomer. Who has beat odd after odd. Who has stretched and bent with all life has thrown his way and yet never broken. Who through it all remains brave and joyful.  My handsome boy who can be summed up in one word as Resilient is now a Kindergartener and my mind knows, but my heart cant seem to catch up and grasp it.

Lord, I pray for this school year for my precious Connor. Help him adjust to his new routine and his love for school continue. Please keep him safe and help him to remain joyful even on the tough days. God, Be with his teacher, aides, and therapist. Show then the best ways to help Connor continue to progress, thrive. and be content.  Let him continue to beat the odds and grow and learn more than our minds can comprehend this year, but above all else God make him who you want him to be. Thank you Lord for his life and all that He means to our family. In Jesus name, Amen.  

Our Adoption Story

Hey guys it was much easier to do videos rather than type everything out. Sorry it took two and a half years, better late than never i guess. You can find my You tube channel at the link below for more of my videos. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuNxGR09EKbjqxBGNfbtpGg

Infertility

Connors T&A surgery and the storm that followed.

Hey guys I finally got around to talking about Connors Tonsil and Adenoid removal surgery that he had in May and the events that followed. It was definitely our most traumatic experience together to date. As you can tell I still cannot talk about it without getting very emotional, but we serve a big God who was  much bigger than this storm. I say this in the video, but I wanna say it again this is not typical from T&A surgery so please do not let this scare you. The surgery has been life changing for Connor and I would absolutely recommend it if your child needs it.  Click on the link below to hear our story.
https://youtu.be/kmNJT3Du1Gk

My take on inclusion.

Hey guys below is a video of my take on inclusion and what Jeremy and I chose for Connor this year as he starts kindergarten.  Remember to check out my YouTube page. I’ll link it below. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuNxGR09EKbjqxBGNfbtpGg

Failure to Thrive.....

   It doesn’t matter if you know it in your heart, hearing those words will still cut you like a knife. Leaving you breathless and in shock even though you truly already knew.

Failure to Thrive.

Today Connor had his well child visit. I went with my notes tucked in the diaper bag and gave much thought to the list of concerns and comments I was given to fill out. I didn’t hold back. I asked it all even the questions I thought were silly.  I didn’t cry (last time I sobbed) I was firm, I was sure, I was a warrior.   Even the bottom of the page  that said any other comments had my handwriting in it.  I asked it all! I left with my heart completely laid out on the table. I asked for labs, I asked for specific test. I was very vocal which is very unlike myself.   I held my guy down along with two other nurses while he recieved his shots and I kissed his head and told him he was probably terrifying the other children. If you heard screams like someone was cutting a child open right  there in the doctors office, that was us, no worries he survived (and never shed a single tear might I add.) So off to the hospital we headed and it was a weird feeling, the feeling of knowing all heck was about to break lose and yet being relieved that a lot of questions were about to be answered. At the hospital we got the labs and let me first say I have experienced a lot with my sons I’ve held him down while they ran tubes down his nose , specifically the time the nurse pushed to far and he choked as the tube went down his throat. I’ve held him after countless surgery including the worst when he cried pure blood tears and refused to open his eyes for 24 hours. I’ve sang him lullaby’s and told him everything was gonna be fine, even when I had no idea if that was true. I’ve done a lot of hard stuff, but y’all today. Today tore me in two. So I’m holding him for labs, he’s in my lap facing out and I’m pinning one arm down. Three nurses are in the room (I told them ahead of time to get plenty of back up) He screamed like the worst scream of pain I have ever heard come out of his tiny body! And my heart broke, but y’all I didn’t know the half of the emotional pain yet because then he twisted so he could look up at me and while he screamed with tears streaming down his face he locked eyes with me and I’m certain without words he was saying “mama make them stop.” “Mama help me”  Mama why aren’t you doing anything” Mama they are hurting me” Mama please”. Y’all I was so broken. I wanted to break down, I’m not talking a few tears I quickly wipe away. I’m talking a ugly face weeping fest. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that it would flat out terrify him if he saw me getting upset. So I kissed his head and held him tight (had no choice there he was fighting us all) and I told him that they were almost done and everything was ok that mama had him.

The doctors say all labs came back fine. His thyroid is functioning properly. His kidney function is good. He has no infections, but that he is not growing. He is falling further behind and he was already very behind to begin with. His weight has been a concern since day one, but now his height is a concern. Little to no growth and as happy as I am that today’s results came back good. It is hard to not know a cause. And it’s easy to get lost in our concerns. It’s easy to let worry eat me up.  Cause it’s the one thing I can’t control. We tried pedi sure. He drank them with full meals  like it was nothing.  We tried making his meals fatter, with butter and other ingredients. We gave him extra, we did more snack.  Lots and lots of milk. We tried it all, and yet they tell me he’s not growing. Hearing failure to thrive is a punch to the gut cause I have exhausted all options.

But Today I’ve decided to make a choice. A choice to let go and let God. A choice to cast my cares on Him because I know He cares for me.

 So today I made my little boy a promise that no matter what mamas got him, and a reminder not to worry about a thing because God’s got us both.  A reminder that Gods been with him since his first breath. Sheltering him through all the storms he’s already faced and this is just another storm and not to be afraid cause mama will dance with him in the rain, and just when we least expect it, just when all hope seems lost we believe that God will send a rainbow.  Cause that's exactly what happen when God sent me you, sweet boy.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

A new day has come.....

   So most everyone knows if you follow me on social media, but I wanna  go in a little more depth here.  After much talk between Jeremy and I we decided to move Connor into a toddler bed.

  I know what you might be thinking because I have been questioned about it numerous times Why is he still in a crib??? 

When Connor came home we tried to keep what we could the same. After all his entire life had changed so we wanted to accommodate where we could. He adjusted to his crib quickly because he had always slept in a crib. Within weeks we were in a good bedtime grove and why mess with a good thing right.  So I did what most parents do, I said when he starts climbing out we will move him into a toddler bed. Two years later and Connor doesnt even stand up in his crib until I come in his room every morning. I didnt think much of this, but lately a thought crossed my mind, He may not ever climb out. Another reason and probably the biggest reason is the way Connor rolls, flips. and flops while he sleeps. Seriously unlike anything I have ever seen. Ive had him sit up and reach for me while crying and be completely asleep still. He has fallen off the couch multiple times during one nap due to the insane roll and flip flopping while he sleeps. After he had his tonsils and adenoids removed NOTHING! I kid you not the boy sleeps so still now!!! He is perfectly still besides moving from his back to belly. ( He also makes no noise bye bye snoring Connor and no more crying in his sleep.) So with that problem eliminated and nothing really holding us back  and after many conversations we decided now was the best time. He will be 6 in two months, and I really wanted to make the transition while we were out of school. I knew I didnt wanna wait until next summer so we decided that I would never feel fully ready so we just did it. Convincing ourselves by saying if its a disaster we will just put the crib back. Our crib makes a toddler bed by taking off the sides so it would be a easy fix. We took off the side, We left the back cause his beds against the wall anyway.

So last night I tucked him into his crib one last time, and this morning I slipped in while he was still sleeping to take one last picture.

 Even though this seems like not a big step, It feels huge to me. Its another constant reminder that my guy is not a baby anymore.

As always this boy was a trooper! He pointed and smiled and then hopped in his bed.

  He took a nap and didnt get up until I came in to get him. So basically its as if nothings changed besides he can get in bed himself. He is super proud of this and claps for himself everytime.  I am super proud of my BIG boy!!

  The true test will be seeing if he waits on me or gets out of bed himself when he wakes up. He cant open his bedroom door yet, so he is  still semi confined which gives me peace of mind.

Im super proud of this guy and am loving watching him grow and change, but I sure miss him being my tiny dude. Change is hard but its inevitable so we gotta just keep rolling with the punches.

BIG BOY BED FOR THE WIN!!!

In closing lets look back at all our crib memories....

 Working hard to bring Connor home.

  Connors  telling his Crib bye (in the Orphanage.)

Crib in our hotel room in Hong Kong. 

. 

Connors  bedroom ready after moving to new house.

 Excited about new mickey mouse bedding,

Bye Bye Crib. Thank you for keeping my guy safe and sound each night for his first 2 and a half years home.

Summer time Update

First Off let me say I have really failed at blogging this summer. I literally have no excuse because I have had plenty of time, but soaking up these memories with my sweet boy have been my focus. I am cherishing ever second and although I dont like to say it out loud I know our summers coming to a end soon. This has been the first time since bringing him home that I have got to spend so much time with him ( I took FMLA and took 12 weeks off when he came home)  and its been amazing!!! We have been busy bees learning new signs. We have added drink, thank you, Daddy,  and please to the list  of things Connor can sign. It is truly breath taking to watch him sign to me, and although hearing the words would be wonderful I am grateful for the beauty in the others ways he communicates.

   Connor will be starting kindergarten this year and will turn 6 in September. I cannot even fathom this. It all seems forever away until you wake up one morning and heres this big boy looking back at you. I love watching him learn and grow, but hate seeing him leave little stages behind and outgrow things, but life is all about changes and as much as my heart is torn about it I am grateful to be able to watch him grow up and mature.  We didnt end up working on potty training this summer like I had good intentions of doing, due to his lack of interest. Honestly he is just not ready and thats ok because I know he will get there in his own time. We have been working hard on being polite and signing please and thank you at the appropriate times. He is progressing and even signed them without me asking him to a few times, but most of the time I have to remind him, but he will do it once reminded. Also we are working hard on using a inside voice and not getting upset and angry when told no or when something doesnt go our way ( Something we all could take a lesson or two in if were honest). Some days are good. Others are a struggle. Today he cried over things that werent a big deal at all, and yelled alot. Mama is working on being patient and reminding myself that hes mostly frustrated because he cant make his needs and wants known verbally. Hence why were working on alot of new signs. Most of the time him being nonverbal doesnt phase me, but it does bother me on the days that I can see it bothers him. He knows much more than he can verbalize and that has to be such a frustrating thing for him. Most days are good though and he babbles and laughs and is just flat out joyful about everything. He really is such a trooper!!  He has been sickness free for awhile, hard to say if thats from having his tonsils and adenoids out, or because we have been staying to ourselves alot. Were grateful regardless and I guess the true test will be when school starts back.  Another big change for him is LaLa and G moving ( my mom and dad). They have been living next door since their home was destroyed in November. He will point toward the rental house and say LaLa when he wants to go there luckily we have spent alot of time at their new house so he hasnt asked to go to the rental yet. Hopefully I will be able to help him understand and with time he wont ask to go there. Fingers crossed!

Im thankful I was able to help my parents move this week since I havent been able to help much throughout this journey for them ( aside from being present). Money is tight and sadly we just couldnt do much, but I was happy to be off work and able to help move alot of there stuff on moving day. It definitely made me feel better to be able to do something for them.

There new house is wonderful and of course it will never replace the home I grew up in and it feels different since I have never lived in this house, a very different dynamic from the house id been in since 3 years old, but again lifes about changes, nothing ever stays the same. It is nice to see them happy again, even though having them living next door for 8 months was a wonderful treat. Most nights when Jeremy and Connor were in bed I would walk down and spend time with them. Near the end when  I knew they would be moving soon I did this almost nightly cause I knew I wouldnt be able to do it much longer, but when I wanna be sad about it Im reminded of when I lived over 2000 miles away in Montana and then 25 minutes away doesnt seem so bad. I am happy just to see them happy again and to know that they finally have a place to call  and feel like home again.

Not much else going on. We are anxiously awaiting the birth of our niece or nephew who will be making their debut  next month, Other than that We are just soaking in our last few weeks before its back to school and the real world so to speak. 

I got lost.....

    I cant be the only one right??   The hustle and bustle of life is crazy, and i'm super busy or im embellishing in those moments when i'm not. Then boom the next thing I know i'm looking around at all that has happened and how quickly life passed me by and we were in our own little bubble. We were content and quiet and its then I realize that life kept going, but I got lost.

Months, weeks, years may have passed and I realize I got lost. Lost in my own little world. Lost in my own families chaos. Lost in our happy little bubble, and it wasn't at all intentional when I got lost.

So this is for you. The ones who havent seen me in awhile. The ones I talk to less and less. The ones who wonder where I been. The ones who assume I dont care. The ones who wish we hadn't grown apart, this is for you to let you know I wish that too.

See I had all these plans when I became a mother. I had great intentions, but motherhood sucks you in, as it should and yet its difficult to look back and wonder where you've been. 


So my advice to mothers is get lost in your baby. Soak in everything about them, but dont get lost from all other aspects of life. Visit family, go out with friends, make those phone calls,  and of course keep your kiddo your main focus, but dont get lost.

I look around and cant even remember the last time I have seen some family members and friends. I cant remember the last time I went out with friends. I realize it was likely me who dropped the ball. It was me who pulled away, It was me who stopped coming around, it was me who stopped calling.  And the only think I can say is I got lost. Lost in my utter bliss. Lost in the sadness of hospital stays and sickness. Lost in quiet nights at home resting from a chaotic week. Lost in bath time splashes and bedtime kisses. Lost in breathing treatments and antibiotics. Lost in the sadness, happiness, and all the inbetween of the life as a special needs mom. The constant roller coaster that is my life, the constant advocating and battling. The constant being on guard. The constant worry and yet blissful content.

I still have much to learn about motherhood, and I have much to learn about how to not get lost.