Alot like Noah....

  Six years ago Jeremy and I submitted our first step in the adoption process. We were excited and we were scared. For me the biggest emotion I remember feeling was relief. I know that's odd with the long, tough journey that laid ahead of us. I think it was a number of reasons I felt this way. We had been begging God for a baby for 6 years at that point. The pain was real and intense, but ya'll have heard that story numerous times. I think the feeling of relief had alot to do with that though, I couldn't conceive, It was out of my control, but with adoption I had control. I wasn't working for nothing, each step led us closer to a child. I think that's a big reason I felt relief even though I knew it wouldn't be easy I could see a light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.

    Boy did God carry us each step of the way. Our adoption journey was filled with so many mountains, and each time we watched as God moved each one. You wont hear me say it was easy. It was so so hard. And just when we thought we had it all planned out, God threw a curve ball our way when he led us to a special needs orphanage. We felt so unqualified. I guess now you know why one of my favorite quotes is " God doesnt call the qualified, He qualifies the called."  Its true. We didn't have a clue what we were doing. EVERYONE thought we were crazy. Although not everyone said this to our face, we know that very little people believed in what we were doing.  And isn't that the way it goes, I mean look at Noah. Everyone thought he was mad, crazy, delusional. Until the rain came, Or in our case until Connor came....

  After 21 months on one of the hardest journeys of my life, nearly 8 years praying for a child I found myself looking face to face with the most beautiful boy. His dark eyes didnt match our blue, his hair didnt have our curls, and yet he was ours. Suddenly the infertility, the heartache it all made sense when I held him none of it mattered. I was a mom. Something I had wanted since I was a child playing with my babydolls. My arms that ached for 8 years now felt the weight of a son, my son. The red tape, the fundraising, the people who thought we were nuts all but forgotten. Every minute, Every second was for him.

  And those two scared unqualified people arent doing so bad. 

 

 Yeah we were alot like Noah, not crazy,  just trusting God and seeing the bigger picture.

All you needs a bun... 🐇

Five months ago we welcomed Thumper into our family, and it has been one of the BEST decisions!

  I'll be the first to admit we didn't know much about rabbits. I joined a Pet Rabbit Advice group on facebook and boy did I learn ALOT! Ive been asked so many questions about him so I decided to share. Again I'm only five months in and still have alot to learn so I'm no expert and am in no way actting like I know it all.

First off the cage. Rabbits need room. The little small cages ( don't feel bad we started out with one also) they don't cut it. We kept his little small cage so that we can take him places if we need to, but we bought a x-pen to give our boy some room.

 The sheet we keep pulled over the top, at night and when were not home because our guy realized he could jump over.  The small area in the back was our original cage, the x-pen attaches to it. So we can easily unattach it if we ever needed to.

 You can see in the corner there how it attaches. 

Rabbits love hiding places so I made him a hiding spot out of a cardboard box. The red bowl we keep his water in. Rabbits can drink out of the ones that attach to the cage ( he started out with one of those also) however they prefer drinking out of a bowl because its just easier.

Rabbits LOVE to chew. Thats because their teeth never stop growing so they need to file them down. We give Thumper lots of toys for chewing. He LOVES chew toys. Chewing is probably the number one reason people are turned off about having a rabbit as a pet. I totally understand. Thumper LOVES cords, and books. He cannot be out without supervision, or a bunny proof area. We let him out daily in our livingroom, all cords are blocked so he cannot get to them, and we have a baby gate to keep him in the livingroom where we can keep an eye on him. Hes a good rabbit, but its their instincts to chew.  So this is a clear negative about them, and I 100% understand why it deters people from even considering a bunny.

 However I promise you your missing out. 😉 Rooms can easy by bunny proofed by keeping cords up high or blocking your bunny from getting to them.

  Another thing that deters people is the mess. I mean aren't they horribly messy and stinky. Your whole house is gonna smell right. WRONG! Rabbits do not like to be dirty, they groom themselves much like cats. Thumper himself doesn't stink.

What about using the bathroom?? Don't they just go everywhere. What a nightmare! Most rabbits can be easily litter trained. While I cant speak for every rabbit, I can tell you our experience with Thumper. He used the litter box from day one. We kept several litterboxes in various areas in the beginning. We quickly learned his favorite spots and kept them in those areas. Eventually we took away litterboxes until we left only two. One in his cage and one in the livingroom. You can use different things in their litterboxes, but the one must have is hay. They NEED hay. The hay will also help with training. When they eat hay they poop. So if there is hay in the litter box and they use the bathroom as they eat it, they quickly realize oh this is where I use the bathroom. Some people only put hay in their litterboxes we have a different method.

  How we do the litter box is strictly what works for us so this is MY OPINION... First we put a layer of regular cat litter. Some will say this is bad, we have never had a issue. Thats got alot to do with Thumper himself so proceed with caution if you try litter. Next I put a layer of sawdust/wood shavings. I do this for a couple reasons. Number one it keeps litter from sticking to his feet. I personally would rather clean up shavings, then litter. Shavings you can see, litter is harder to see. Also the shavings mask the smell. One thing I had no clue about, but is my favorite thing about Thumper is his poop DOESN'T HAVE A SMELL. I know your not believing me at all right now, but I promise its true. His poop has absolutely no smell. Pee is a different story. Litter helps soak it up, the shavings then mask the smell. On top of the shavings I put his hay. You can get a hay feeder to hang over the litterbox, we did for awhile. However we quickly realized he was mostly knocking it out into the litter box and eating it from there anyway, and for us we find its just easier to put it in the litter box and alot less messy that way.

  This is our litterbox.I cleaned it every couple days, more often if needed, but normally every few days is sufficent.  We chose to get a bigger one because hes growing so so fast. The purple tray is actually the very first cage we got. We took the top off and keep his litter box in it to help catch what he sometimes knocks out when he hops out. You'll also notice his food there. We keep his food in that container because it attaches to the cage and he cannot knock it off. Keeping it in the purple tray helps keep what he knocks out contained. This setup works well for us. We feed Thumper pellets from our local feed store, he also enjoys fruits and veggies. Rabbits can have digestive issues so being mindful of what your feeding them and balancing their diet is a must.

  I mentioned we give Thumper toys. One thing we have learned is you don't have to go out and buy expensive things. One of Thumpers favorites is toliet paper or paper towel rolls. Rabbits are burrowing animals. Lots of people buy then the toy tunnels, and we probably will eventually. However I've found something much more cost effective. I take a box and cut holes in both ends, I use pull up or diaper boxes because they tend to be long. Thumper goes crazy over this. When hes in his cage he spends alot of his time in his.

 He does chew on it also, so I replace it with a new one ever so often. Im able to do this because I always have diaper/ pull up boxes. I just save them for him and when his starts getting worn out I replace it. This works so well for us. Thumper gets so excited when he gets a new one. I try to do something a little different on each one. This one I left the flap on the front, I typically cut them off. He found the flap immediately and played with it, pushing it in and out of the box. There is a hole cut out for him to run in and out each end. Just a fun and yet easy idea for your rabbit. 

I often hear that Rabbits are not good pets for children. The reasoning behind this is they dont like loud noises and sudden movements. I can only speak for Thumper, but Connor is hands down Thumpers favorite. From the moment Jeremy brought him home, and Connor peered in the box and said " HIIII" these two have been best buds. 

 Connor loves to help with him. He mostly opens his cage door to let him out, but as he gets older we are excited to see him be able to help with him more.

 Maybe he'll take over litter box duty someday. 😉😂  

They love to chase each other, and Thumper is always seeking Connors attention. They really are the cutest together. 

Thumper really is the sweetest. He doesnt like to be picked up, some rabbits do, but from what I've heard most share this trait of his. However he LOVES attention and to be petted. He recently has started hopping up in our laps, this is new and just started recently after having him for 5 months which goes to show that it takes time. Rabbits can be as affectionate as dogs, but it depends on your rabbit and it takes time. So do not give up.

Rabbits are smart, funny, and affectionate, and in my opinion one of the best pets. If you have any more questions feel free to reach out to me, You can also follow Thumper on instagram 

 Username: thumper_ton 

https://www.instagram.com/thumper_ton?r=nametag

3-21

World Down Syndrome Day. (2020)

Ill let the pictures do the talking, but needless to say We ROCKED IT!!

       Thank you for celebrating with me! Keep spreading the word that our differences make us beautiful!

There's still joy....

  In a World with so much uncertainty one things for sure....I LOVE this boy! 

  I could get lost in the chaos. I could feel the weight of hopelessness as life seems to spiral all around me. I have no idea when school will go back. Peoples jobs are shutting down. Restaurants are closed, or carry out only. Churches are closed, well online services only, while I understand this is necessary, this breaks me. At a time when we need Him more than ever we are forced to close. Stores are in utter chaos, hording has become a real problem. People are scared, and we dont become the best version of ourselves when we are fear driven.  In the mist of it seeming like the world is crumbling around me I'm reminding myself daily to focus on what matters. Clinging to our sovereign God, and holding tight to my family.

  Its been 11 days since I've been in a store. Its been 3 weeks since Connor has. Keeping him out of public is necessary. Protecting him is top priority, and while my mind is constantly in overdrive. Overthinking, worrying, and trying my best to keep all things at bay. I look over at someone so innocent. Someone who doesnt have a clue that the world around him is in sheer panic. And I envy him.

  Oh to have that pure joy in such times of darkness. To not grasp the seriousness around me. The world may never understand what I do, but oh how I wanna be more like you.

  I could never adequately tell you how I love this boy. How He makes me slow down, and enjoy every moment more. How in the mist of darkness, his light reminds me there's still joy.  

Lets all try our best to remain focused on what matters. To keep our eyes on God, and love people. To help those in need, and pray without ceasing.

 May we not forget that Gods got this! 

Who gets the Ventilator???

Were Currently in a pandemic. Life has changed and things are spiraling. Social Distancing is urged, and yet it still is not being taken seriously by so many.  Schools, restaurants, and stores are closing. Sports, concerts, and other large events are canceled. It is scary. Stores are packed with shoppers who are panicking, and hording up supplies simply out of fear.  Its easy to get sucked into the chaos. I'm gonna share with you a few facts about the actual virus, and then my deepest darkest fear. 

* I will forewarn you this post is deep, dark, and brutally honest.*

  Did you know you can have the Coronavirus for 1-14 days before developing symptoms.  Once the virus is inside the body it begins infecting  epithelial cells in the lining of the lungs. A mild case of the virus includes fever and cough. More severe than the seasonal flu, and doesnt require hosptialization. The mild cases are because the bodies immune response is able to contain the virus in the upper respiratory tract. A Mild version of symptoms include dry cough, shortness of breath, fever and headache, muscle pain, tiredness comparable to the flu. This is why its often being written off as nothing more than a common cold. However statistics show 13.8% will have a severe case and 6.1%  will be critical cases. A severe case is  due to the virus trekking down the windpipe and entering the lower respiratory tract where it seems to prefer growing.  The lungs are the major target. As the virus continues to replicate and journeys further down the windpipe and into the lung, it causes more respiratory problems such as bronchitis and pnuemonia. 

 When Pneumonia occurs with this virus its basically a war between the host response and the virus. Depending who wins the war there is a good outcome where the patient recovers or a bad outcome where they dont. 

As oxygen is restricted to the bloodstream it deprives major organs of oxygen including the liver, kidneys, and brain. 

 

A small number of severe cases it can develop into acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) which requires a patient to be placed on a ventilator to supply oxygen. If too much of the lung is damaged and not enough oxygen is supplied to the rest of the body respiratory failure could lead to organ failure and death.  This outcome is uncommon for the majority of patients infected. 

Those most at risk to severe developments are older than 70 and have weak immune responses. Others at risk include people with pulmonary abnormalities, chronic disease, or compromised immune systems. 

The US and other countries face a critical  shortage of ventilators, a Life saving machine. 

So I ask you this if things get BAD, who gets the ventilators??

Ya'll remember a few years ago the outrage at Iceland for attempting to eradicate Down Syndrome??

Also there is the controversy of whether individuals with Down Syndrome should be able to receive a organ transplant with a doctor saying he would " rule them out" because they have a lower life expectancy.

 Dr. Arthur Caplan, the director of medical ethics for New York Universitys Langone Medical Center said  " If the potential recipient is severely intellectually impaired...I do not consider it to make sense to consider that child for a transplant."

I know were talking about a virus, not a transplant or eradicating Down Syndrome. Forgive me for feeling this is important. This is why Connor hasnt been in a store in over two weeks. This is why you will not see him in public under any circumstance. This is why we are MIA right now. We are locked in tight. Connors lungs could not take the hit. God forbid things got severe it would be BAD. His immune system, his lung scarring,his history of  reoccurring pnuemonia, I need to do everything in my power to try to ensure he doesnt get the dreaded Coronavirus. 

I have to do everything in my power to protect him, because if the last ventilator were between him and a typical child,even if he were worse, Im not confident he would get it.  Thats sadly the world we live in. He deserves the same chance as anyone else. How, how can we live in a world where so many still dont see that. Where he will always be considered less worthy ( by some).  A world where things would be fine, unless we run out. Should we run out of a life saving machine im not confident my child would get a chance simply because he has a intellectual disability, there is so much wrong with that.  The fact that I even have to think of him being discounted literally because of who he is leaves me broken. Broken for this sweet boy, but also broken for this world. Oh the beauty so many are missing out on because their too blind to see people as more than their diagnosis, more than their disability, more than their differences. 

 I'm not trying to scare anyone, I simply want to make you think. Ponder on it. If things get bad, who gets the ventilator??

2020 the year of Gods Grace...

  I've had this reoccurring thought the last couple days, and I feel compelled to share in hopes it can help someone else find  Gods grace in their journey.

    2020 has been rough already. If you know me personally then you know my dads been having some odd symptoms since around october. I'm not gonna go into too much detail on everything, but I will say he was sent for a EKG which came back normal, so his heart was ruled out. He returned to work, and of course within days of being back the symptoms came back. Things were getting scary. His boss actually suggested he see her dads heart doctor ( Gods Grace written all over this). We were hesitant because after all his heart had been ruled out as the problem. However my mom called and made an appointment ( Gods Grace). The doctor ran a EKG and it came back abnormal. He told Dad at that very appointment that at some point he had had a heart attack. We were so shocked. He scheduled a Heart Cath. However Dads symptoms worsened to the point he couldnt breathe, he could literally stand up and become short of breath. So my mom called, and was told she should bring him to the ER. He was put into the hospital at Park West. The heart dr explained to Dad that if he couldnt lay flat for the heart cath they couldnt do it. He stayed at the hosptial until the heart cath. They got over 22 pounds of fluid off him within two days, thanks to a lasix IV. He went in for the heart cath.  My mom and I were taken to a waiting room. We werent there 15 minutes when they came and got us. Mom and I just kept looking at each other dumbfounded because we didnt think it had been long enough.

    Finally they rolled dad in hospital bed right out in the hall by us. The nurse with him seemed so super nervous, and kept looking around for the dr ( who was coming to talk to us.) Finally the doctor came and his first words will haunt me forever. " We have Major Issues." He then paused and just looked at mom and I. I didnt understand then, but I now believe he was waiting on us to breakdown, we were so stunned that we didnt ( my mom and I are panickers, so right here is a Gods Grace moment.)  He explained the one artery was 100% blocked. One was 90% blocked. Leaving one trying to do all the work. He needs open heart surgery. A surgeon will be to see yall within 24 hours. The nurse looked at me and said he was so sorry, it now made since why he seemed so nervous. He knew we were getting bad news. I appreciated his emotion for us.  Dad was then rolled back into his room, and we all just sat there in complete shock. A nurse came in immediately to make sure dad knew to stay flat and not move his leg at all. He explained the whole process as well as recovery. Again we all just sat there ( Gods grace). Dad after just being given what had to be the scariest news of his life loudly stated " when can I eat?" We all laughed ( Gods Grace.)
The next thing we knew the door opened and in Walked the surgeon. Literally within the hour of all this, he stepped into dads room. He was visiting a patient a few doors down when he got the orders for a consult with dad ( Gods Grace.)

Surgery would have been scheduled immediately except Dad still had so much retained fluid that the surgeon explained had to come off first. He asked if we had any questions and honestly its one of those moments when we probably had a thousand questions, but you shake your head no. After all this was all happening so fast. ( Just maybe that was Gods Grace too.)  I asked if he would be in the hosptial until the surgery. The surgeon looked at me bewildered and said
YES! Im not comfortable with him going anywhere. Looking back I realize we didnt grasp the severity (  Definitely Gods Grace.) The doctors would later explain that he was basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for a massive heart attack to happen at any moment.   A few days later the surgeon said words that will forever wreck me. "If we had not found this, He would have been dead by summer."  (GODS GRACE!) We had every reason not to find it. After all his heart had been cleared. His heart had been ruled out. BUT GOD. It makes me weep when I think about it. What could have, what should have happen. But God stepped in and made a way. (Oh GODS GRACE) It would be 7 days from the heart cath when dad was finally well enough to go in for Open Heart Surgery. That morning it was just the three of us in his hosptial room. Just mom, dad, and me. The way It had been my whole life. Up until this morning he had been nothing but peace. In the mist of what should have been the scariest time of his life he seemed the happiest. He laughed like I hadnt heard him in years. He joked, and talked. He TALKED so much. And I know its hard to believe,but he danced alot! ( GODS GRACE) I like to think part of him was relieved to have a answer. Even though it was scary and far from the news we wanted. Still it was a answer with a solution. A scary solution, but still a solution. However the morning of surgery he was visibly nervous. I will never EVER forget what he told us that morning.

"No matter what happens. Promise me you will take care of each other." His voice broke while he said it and we fought back our own tears as we promised. "I love you both so much" I remember saying we love you too. Although I honestly dont know how I mustered that out. And let me say that their is no shame in crying. However I think mom and I knew if either of us started that it would quickly escalate, and would get him worked up. And somehow we held back our tears. ( 100% Gods Grace.) Dad was taken back, we walked beside him until we couldnt anymore. Then the wait. Surgery was suppose to take 3-4 hours. We sat in the CCU ( Critical Care Unit)  waiting room.We saw so many families there. Lots were there for heart surgeries. One wife of a man who had heart surgery at the same time as dad ( different surgeon) wept and shook. And as I watched her I wondered if something was wrong with me. Was I suppose to be that visibly shaken. (Gods Grace)   Ill be 100% honest I thought all day about him dying. I thought about how I would need to take care of mom. I thought about the moment we would get the news. I thought about who to call first. How to inform family. How I would possibly make it. How would I be able to talk to people at his funeral. How I could possibly find a way to keep going for Connor. My mind raced. They came and told us he was on bypass. I thought about what that meant. Dads heart had been stopped. My dads heart wasnt beating anymore. I was so numb at that point. I couldnt even feel is the best way I can describe it. And then after only three hours they took us back to a room and said the surgeon was finishing up and would be in to talk to us soon. We sat in the little room for awhile, and then in walked the surgeon. Everything went well. He did fine. ( GODS GRACE) Such relief. Its like I could breathe again. Like I could feel again.  He explained details ( that for time sake Ill leave out.) He then told us we could go in and see him in a few minutes, he explained that he was on a ventilator that was helping him breathe. I had saw my mamaw after her open heart surgery and this was the part I was dreading most. Cause honestly it changes you.

We went back to see dad just mom and I and honestly I dont know if its because I had saw Mamaw and knew 100% what to expect or if it was just Gods Grace once again, but he looked so peaceful. They didnt let us stay long because He would be waking up soon and they said typically they panic when they wake up with a tube down their throat ( understandable) and that sometimes family being their makes it worse. We gladly left for that.

The next time we went in was about 3 hours later during visiting hours and it was MUCH harder than seeing him on the vent. There was definitely no peace in the room. He yelled out in pain. He said "Why did they do this to me? They hurt me. Why did you let them do this? Im tied down. They hit me." I could keep going. I asked the nurse if he had gotten all the pain meds he was allowed to have and she said yes. So their was nothing we could do, but try to assure him he was ok. Alot of it was the anesthesia and morphine. But their was also alot of pain. He screamed for the next few days. One day he wouldnt even look at me when I went to visit. It was HARD! Mom and I never broke in front of him. ( GODS GRACE)  I will say things did begin getting better once they removed his chest tubes. The nurse explained that alot of times they can be hitting nerves and when they are no amount of pain meds can touch the pain. You can always feel them and it is constant pain. He was discharged just 5 days after heart surgery and he continues to do well. ( Gods Grace.)

The day after he got to go home, Connor was diagnosed with Pneumonia. I could say when it rains it pours ( I actually have said that a few times). I could be bitter. I could say 2020 has been the WORST so far. I could wonder why us, why me. But today I had this thought. Its Gods Grace. The fact that Connor was not sick, during this time that my dad needed me. When my mom needed me with her. The fact that we caught Connors so early and are able to treat it at home, without a hospital stay  Yes it stinks. But the fact that the day after dad is safely back home is when Connor got sick is absolutely Gods Grace.

And through all this I've learned that Bad things happen. Terrible trials hit us sometimes one after another, but if we take the time to look around Gods Grace is all over our story.

So instead of saying 2020 was a horrible year, Im claiming that 2020 is the year GODS GRACE showed up the most in my life. The Year that HE carried me, through some of the scariest stuff of my life.  The year of HIS victory. The Year HE became more Physically visibly to me. Thats what I'm claiming for 2020.

"I'm sorry you didn't get your miracle."

"I'm sorry you didn't get your miracle."

  Aww thank you wait what??? Connor had been home about a year, and I was dumbfounded at what had just been said. It was bewildering to me that ( some) people feel sorry when they look at my family. Cause all I see is a miracle. God grace is all over that little face.

Maybe because its not my blue eyes and Jeremys wild hair. But when we set out on our journey we told God red, yellow, black, or white we didn't care. We were gonna love him.

The fact that thats hard to fathom honestly pains me.

Rest assured that I got my miracle.  A child born to another woman calls me mama, and while that hurts in a million differents ways its a miracle.

The way God orchestrated the perfect plan. The way a million prayers were answered. Those dark eyes and black hair oh what a miracle.

Motherhood might have come a little differently than what I always envisioned, and yet a beautiful miracle occurred.  I didn't feel kicking from the inside, but I felt a ache for someone across the world. I didn't look at a ultrasound, but I showed his picture to anyone who would look. And when it was time, I didn't feel the pains of labor but my body certainly ached from that loonnngggg plane ride. I didn't birth a tiny miracle and hear his first cries as he was laid on my chest, but I walked into a orphanage and heard "say hi mama, daddy how are you" as the most precious thing I'd ever seen toddled toward me. Daddy didn't get to shout its a boy as he walked into a waiting room filled with our family, but he carried our son into that crowded airport to the sweetest shouts and applause of those who prayed and walked the 21 month journey right along with us.

We certainly got our miracle. 

This Isn't Fair.....

   One year ago our family was gathered. We were told my Papaw ( Wilcox) wouldn't live through the night. The hospice nurse informed the Chaplin, and it wasn't long before he appeared at their door. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life, and I'll always always remember what he said. How he comforted my family during one of the darkest times of our life.

   "Mrs. Wilcox, You wanted him to live through Christmas. You always expressed that wish, and he did. You've took such good care of him, but hes suffered long enough."

I don't remember alot more due to my sobs, but I know he read scripture with us. What I remember most is the comfort I felt from him just being there. He talked to Papaw. He encouraged us to do the same. He assured us he could hear us even though he could no longer answer. He prayed with us and sat with us for along time.

It completely changed my view of hospice care. It gave me a deeper respect for those with the gift for that work. 

 Today We said goodbye to a sweet friend, who left behind two young sons. Another friend buried her son last week. It seems like I'm stuck in a season of pain. A season of sadness. A season of shock. A season of confusion.

This isnt fair.
Cancer isnt fair.
Parkinsons disease isnt fair.
Heart conditions arent fair.
Car accidents arent fair.
Burying a child isnt fair.
Unexpected death isnt fair.
This pain isnt fair.

But God. God is fair. The bible says Hes faithful and Just. Although we cant understand God is fair. When it hurts more than we could ever fathom hurting He is fair. When we can barely take our next breath He is fair.

His love for us does not wavier. His plans for us are good. Our weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning. One day He will wipe away ever tear.

So when your barely hanging on, when life has given you far more than you can handle alone, cling to the one who makes all things good.

We don't have to face this alone. We have a Savior who will carry us when we cant make it another step.

We have a God who loves his children so much that sometimes He says You've suffered long enough.

Thats mercy.
Thats love.
Thats God.

 When He steps in hearts change and mountains move. Nothing is too hard for Him. He is able. He is good even in our deepest suffering. Lord, we worship you. In our deepest sadness. When everything feels wrong. When it all seems so cruel and completely unfair. We worship you, and we believe your still good. 

Hes not going anywhere....

   My heart hurts.....

The last two weeks have been filled with such tragedies and great loss. My heart has been so so heavy. My friend lost her son unexpectedly. Another friend is slowly losing her battle. A Worship Leaders child passes in her sleep. A youtuber loses her toddler nephew.  The list could continue. Everywhere I look its heartache after heartache. Also next saturday makes one year since Papaw ( Wilcox) took his last breath. Lately life just seems like alot. Its heavy. Too heavy all of a sudden. My heart is broken. My spirit is crushed. I hurt for those who are suffering. You put yourself in their shoes and it hurts beyond what you can fathom. Im not sure I can adequately describe how ive been feeling lately. Im fearful. I dont wanna leave those I loves sides. I want everyone to be together, even though that is not even a guarantee of safety. I feel so anxious. Like I'm waiting, waiting on the next set of bad news. I think about Christmas being this week and it hurts my heart all over again. This should be the most exciting time, this year I feel exhausted from the heartache for those around me. This year is the year of loss. The year of hurting. The year of tears. Life gets so so heavy, but in the mist there He is. Hidden if we do not open our eyes to seek Him. And yet in the midst of our scariest times, when the heartache hits, and the tears flow He reminds us that everything is gonna be alright. Because we have a hope and promise in Him and the best thing is Hes not going anywhere.

So if your like me right now and Life feels so so heavy, remember that we are not alone. God is here and when Hes in the midst I assure you theres nothing to fear.

Thumper....

Introducing.....Thumper!

     On black friday we were out shopping when we stopped in Rural King. We bought a few gifts for family members, and then headed by the rabbits, and baby chicks. We always take Connor by to see the animals. I spotted this little bunny that was all different colors, "Oh gosh Jeremy look how pretty that one is."  We then looked at the chicks and then headed on about our day. I laughed as we left saying " Get me out of here before I leave with a Rabbit." We laughed and then went on to brave Walmart. After Walmart we went home because we had bought groceries in Walmart also. If you've never bought groceries on black friday I recommend it because it was literally dead on the grocery side and you'll get to shop at ease, until check out time of course. Anyway when we got home and got everything carried in I began putting groceries away when Jeremy said he was gonna go back to Rural King when I asked why he said he saw something he wanted to get his brother. However when he got home he had that multi colored Bunny I loved. I was so surprised!

 Connor must have said "Hi" to him 50 times and we decided to name him Thumper cause what else do you name a rabbit.  Unbeknownst to me Jeremy had been researching having rabbits as pets while we were in Walmart, I was oblivious as I shopped till I dropped. What we found was Rabbits are really good pets. One reason is their Quiet. They are clean ( they clean themselves like a cat does.) They can be litterbox trained, they dont need walking. Of course all things come with Cons.  They are chewers. They can live 10-20 years! When not properly socialized they can scratch and bite. They are social and need lots of attention. They arent always the best pet for kids due to them being startled easily by loud noises and commotion. They poop 300 to 500 pellets a day!  Whew talk about responsibility!

Also theres the concerns about Connors respiratory issues. You can be allergic to Rabbits, You can be allergic to their hay, and bedding. We chose to take a chance. You never know until you try right?? So far everything has been great. Connor has had no reaction. He hasnt had the sniffles, running eyes, asthma or any other issues. We are not completely crazy and are obviously keeping a watchful eye, so far everything is great!

And when I say everythings great I mean really really great. Thumper though extremely timid at first ( as expected.) Now comes up to us to be petted. Allows us to hold him without much fuss. Jumps and runs and puts on quite a show for us.

Thumper has a cage he stays in when were not home and at night. When we are home and can supervise him hes free roaming ( he is doing great using the litterbox). He loves to be near us. Rabbits can be as social as dogs and cats, Obviously each Rabbit is different, but it seems we have a pretty loving dude already.

The best part is He LOVES Connor!

 The feeling is definitely mutual, Connor now spends alot of time hopping around pretending to be a rabbit. We remind him to be gentle, and he sneaks in pets as often as possible. Thumper is getting use to Connors rambunctiousness. They are the cutest together.

I never ever thought Id own a Rabbit, but I'm glad I do:)

Standing Still in the Storm....

     Lately We've been in a storm. Connors been sick, and I have been fighting for him and yet have felt unheard. I couldn't understand why it seemed no one would listen. Its been so so exhausting. I have felt so extremely helpless.
 
   It all began a few weeks ago when Connor started coughing. It wasn't all day, or anything extreme just kind of randomly. I of course was on high alert due to the fact that we stopped his lung medication this summer. His pulmonologist and I had been discussing this for awhile and due to how well he was doing we decided to take him off the medication and see how things went. It was such a hard decision, but one of those things that we would never know until we tried. Connor was on daily preventative medication long before we brought him home. Taking him off a preventative was oh so scary, after all we'd had many hospital stays and health scares while on the preventative. We decided to proceed ahead with the plan and had a fabulous summer. Of course its summer, he wasn't exposed to tons of sickness like he is during the school year and harsh winter months. I knew Winter would likely be a battle and to say I was nervous was truly a understatement. So the random cough had me watching closer than ever. It soon turned to a cold. He was super congested and of course we took him to the doctor. Connor like most children was a happy dude at the doctors office despite the fact he had seemed so so sick in the day leading up to the appointment. The doctor listened to him, assured me his lungs sounded fine, and agreed that breathing treatments of his PRN medication and over the counter cold meds were a good plan. ( These were all things I had already started doing, but I always feel better when a doctor says I'm doing the right things.) He had been running a low grade fever, but the doctor assured me it was viral and no antibiotics were needed. ( Thank goodness, we are always so relieved to bypass antibiotics when we can due to them upsetting his tummy.)  I was so relieved to have a doctor tell me his lungs sounded clear! Connor has scarring in his left lung and is extremely susceptible to Pneumonia. That alone keeps me on high alert, but put that with the fact this is his first cold while not on lung preventative medication Im not ashamed to admit I'm a little over the top.

   The next day Connor went to school. His doctor had given the ok and a note that he could return. However he was clearly sick, but trudging through. I was keeping a close eye on him and continuing breathing treatments and tylenol to try to keep him comfortable. We came home and he immediately just wanted to lay on the couch, and then his breathing got labored. He seemed to really be having a hard time, his temp was 101, and he had just received tylenol about 45 minutes earlier so off to Childrens ER we went. On the way Connor fell asleep and his breathing became more normal.  The ER doctor listened to him and said his lungs sounded ok, but after a look at his medical chart decided that she wanted a chest xray to be certain. I am so so grateful for her thoroughness. The xray looked fine, with no noteable changes. WHAT A RELIEF! She agreed that he likely had a mild asthma attack. Obviously not a good thing, but also nice to know I did see something and made me feel a little less crazy. The doctor gave him a heavy dose of steroids and said he should be much better within 3 days. She suggested a follow up with his doctor.  The steroids had him feeling much better and he was literally jumping off stuff and wild as ever before we even left the hospital. We were suppose to now give his PRN breathing treatments every 4 hours for the next 24 hours. We did. Sunday was a GREAT day. I really felt he was getting better, and was happy to see him more himself only much wilder due to the steroids.  Monday came and I got him up and ready for school, he coughed and coughed and coughed. I thought maybe he was just getting it all out. The bus came and when I went to put him on the bus, he broke down. I knew then something wasnt right and their was no way he could go to school. So we stayed home. Connor laid on the couch all day. ( I should note that all this time hes has been eating and drinking good. Which is basically all that was keeping me sane.) He fell asleep and took a 4 HOUR nap, very very unlike him. He rarely naps anymore, but I attributed it to him being sick and reassured myself that rest is a good thing.

  This is where things got scary. He woke up and seemed off. I picked him up and held him ( like a baby) he was just kind of staring off into space and  then his eyes began jerking back and forth. They then fixated on my shirt, and I called his name to no avail. Seconds seemed like hours!!! "Connor! Connor! Connor look at me!" Finally ( and again this was probably 30/45 seconds) he looked at me and pointed back to his spot on the couch. My mind was racing and I was unsure of what had just happen. I put him back on his spot on the couch and got out my phone. I began videoing and I'm forever grateful that I did. More of the same happened. My video is over 2 minutes long. However he seemed to come to better when I called his name this time. I text Jeremy in a panic and he said hed be right home. Of course when he got home, Connor seemed fine and Jeremy assured me we were both tired. So thankful he has a calm level head. The night went on as normal. I made his follow up doctor appointment and mentioned I had a video of a "odd episode" I also wanted to show them and discuss.  Before the appointment I called his opthalmologist, I did this because Connor does have nystagmus    ( his eyes jerk from side to side) to ask if that could have been what happen, although id never seen his eyes do anything this extreme and I didnt believe for one second it was his nystagmus. After explaining what happened, they said it was not nystagmus or anything eye related and I needed to get to his doctor because it sounded much like seizure activity. I already knew this, but my heart sank. I could feel myself beginning to panic, and I had to keep looking at him and reminding myself hes right here and hes fine. We went to his doctor appointment.

   If you know me you know I do not do drama. I do not talk about or "dog out" people on social media, my blogs no different. I'll just say I felt unheard, and brushed off.

I will say after Connor being listened to I was told his left lung sounded " wheezy" "Your not out of the woods yet."  and to start back on breathing treatments every 4 hours for 2/3 days then to back off to 6/8 hours.

The next day I called his pulmonologist. I talked to a wonderful nurse in their office for close to a hour. FINALLY someone heard me! I poured it all out, while she took notes of every single symptom, behavior, and concern. It was friday, and their office closes early ( they were closing in like an hour from when I called.) But she gave me a appointment for monday. She let me vent, and she did something I needed more than anything, She listened! The relief I felt was unexplainable. The nurse assured me that what happened would not have anything to do with the breathing treatments being given so often ( a concern I had.) She did tell me that as far as the cold, there is a viral cold going around that the cough lingers for weeks afterwards. This cold very well could be just  a viral cold that hes having a hard time kicking, but the other, even if its a one time event if I want to be seen by a neurologist thats perfectly acceptable. If I want a EEG thats understandable. I am his voice and I should fight even if its a one time event. One times enough!

I am exhausted. I am panicked. I am confused. I am so so many things, but I am a mother on a mission. I cannot stop. I will not stop.

Tonight Connor cried. Several times he cried. I dont know why, and its super unlike him. I have so many concerns. So many questions. My heart breaks. I am scattered, my thoughts are jumbled. I am a mess. I wonder what could be going on. Is it really just a viral cold. What is happening in my tiny 30 pound boys little body. We got home and he danced and laughed. And I wondered how he can be fine one minute and sobbing the next. What am I missing? What is happening to my little boy??

Its then I felt God speak to me. Stand still in the storm. Trust Me. Don't miss out on his happiness and laughter because your so consumed with why he cried earlier. Stand still in the storm. Enjoy the happy moments, and hold him close in the bad. So tonight I got up off the couch, and I danced and laughed with my happy boy. We played and sang, and we were happy while the storm still raged around us. Although we have no answers, although we are filled with worry and anxiousness we will stand still in the storm.

  And with the help of a excellent medical team, WE WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

Buddy Walk 2019

I think this photo represents our family so well. We love Connor fiercely and fully believe he can do anything. I speak freely about not being put on a pedestal because we dont deserve it or need it. However I do think as much as we needed Connor, he needed us. We cant give him all that money can buy, we cant take him on lavish trips, and he'll never live in a mansion ( well not until heaven anyway;)  What we can do is support him, love him, and lift him up. In a world where lets be honest hes always going to be reminded hes different, hes not good enough, hes incapable. We can remind him that those are LIES! He is so incredible, and he has things to offer that no one else does. He is a treasure to this world that some may never see or understand. We see him. We believe. We know.

   Thats what the Buddy Walk is all about!  The goal of the Buddy Walk® is to promote understanding and acceptance of people with Down syndrome. Whether you have Down syndrome, know someone who does or just want to show your support, come and join a Buddy Walk! 

We attended the buddy walk in Chattanooga Saturday. Clear Springs Baptist Church ( the church Jeremy and I grew up in) Got a team together for Connor and Faith.

  It was an incredible time of celebration of these two beautiful souls along with many others. I am always changed after these events. Each individuals name was called, along with their age, and what makes them special. They received a medal and everyone cheered for them. Some danced, some sang, and ALL were celebrated. 

 It was unity at its best, you were truly surrounded with the purest love. It was an amazing time and I am always so grateful we attended. 

Seriously if you've never been make plans to attend. You will not regret it and chances are you will leave changed :)