Adoption from my sons perspective....

    This post is emotional for me to write because all we wanna think about adoption is the love and happiness side and while let me assure you it has brought us abundant love and happiness I cannot lie and say that adoption comes without a cost. On our side is nothing but love and happiness, but if im honest from my childs perspective adoption has another side.

Adoption is loss.

  The fact that my son needed to be adopted means he has experienced great loss.  Let me first say that my sons biological mother named him at birth. His birth name means " Gift from Heaven" She chose that specifically so ill let you guess how she felt about her child.  Oh the unspeakable loss she must experience still from one of the most selfless decisions she will probably ever make. She chose more for him. More than she knew she could give and although he doesnt remember he experienced that loss. He knows im mama and I know he loves me and knows that I love him, and still I know he loss the chance to have a mama who has his eyes, who has his smile. That was his first loss.

   Then he experienced loss the day we came. He left the only home he ever knew. The day he left the orphanage with us I have no doubt was one of the most traumatic experiences of his life.  He lost it all. His home, his family. And although we knew he now had a home and a family he didnt understand any of it. We were strangers who took him from those he loved the most. It breaks my heart to think that is what his little mind must have thought in the beginning.

The day we left the orphanage Connor said goodbye to everything. They have a ritual where you go around and say goodbye to the playroom, the playground, the bathroom, and finally the bedroom and your bed. I will never ever forget what it felt like to experience this I will never forget letting the tears slid down my face and how I was swept over with this overwhelming heartbreak for the pain and loss that he would experience in the days to follow. When we got to his bed, Connor waved goodbye and my heart broke into a million pieces and all I could think is, this is the place he laid when I was crying out to God for a child and God saw him. This is where he was sleeping all those nights I got on my knees by his crib and prayed for his safety. All those nights I looked up at the stars and wondered if he was hungry, I wondered if he was loved, He was sleeping soundly in this very spot tucked in safely with a full belly and those who loved him very much near by.  I dont even have the words to explain it all but there is just something that happened in my heart the moment he waved goodbye to his bed.

Connor came home....

 Scared

Overwhelmed

Confused 

And Sad.

  We dont like to admit that part. We dont like to talk about it, but its the truth. He was scared, overwhelmed, confused, sad, and in his mind alone. Everyone he knew, everyone he loved ,everything familiar was all of a sudden gone. That is loss, that is pain.

And yet even from our deepest sorrow God can bring beauty from the ashes. We played, we danced, we laughed and I cant tell you exactly when it happened, but one day I realized the sadness in his eyes was gone.

   One night after being home only a few weeks Connor reach over while watching cartoons and took my hand. And in the moment I knew he understood. I knew that even though he was missing those he loved very much he realized I was mama and even though I know he still felt confused, and overwhelmed, and was still at times very sad, he finally realized with me he is safe.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Adoption is love. Adoption is happiness. Adoption is also loss, pain, and grief. Even if you get your happily ever after. 

I will not take someone elses Connor,

Time to answer the million dollar question.  Do you want to adopt another child/ will you adopt more??


You have no idea how often I am asked this and I totally understand why. I dont mind one bit answering this question or any question about our family, Connor, Adoption, or Down Syndrome. So please keep asking away:)

Do I want to adopt more?? Will We adopt more??

    The answer to that question is simple and yet so complicated. I 100% want to adopt another child!!!! If it were up to me I would be elbow deep in paperwork, working vigorously to bring home our second child.

  However at the same time the answer is also no.

This is confusing I know so let me explain.  Adoption is hard, simple, frustrating, happy, heartbreaking, and yet so joyous. So I will not enter into it lightly as we didnt with Connors Adoption. It should be entered into with much  prayer and decisiveness.

This is exactly why my answer is no and yet 1000 times over yes.

I want want want to adopt another child like yesterday. However I know this is my answer not Gods. I do not feel God calling us to do so at this time and so this is where my answer no comes in.

We could enter into the adoption process, we could bring home another child. We could love them with a love so fierce just as we do Connor. After all its Gods plan for  all Orphans to find a home right??

And your right and yet still I would say no until I hear Gods voice. But how Can Gods voice not be saying yes and that my friends is where it gets oh so tricky.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

There we have it. 

What if we enter into the adoption process without a clear yes from God. What if we bring home a beautiful soul that  needed a family. Would they have a good life? Yes. Would they be loved beyond belief?? Yes. Would we be a happy family of four? Yes. I see where you could say well whats the hold up then?? And the hold up is one more question the sums it all up and goes right along with Jeremiah 29:11

What if we take someone elses Connor???

  If we adopt another child without a clear yes from God. If we move forward without hearing his voice we might be changing his plan for that child. We might be taking someone elses Connor.

 I can promise you from our ENTIRE family we do not want to even think about what life would be like without Connor. I remember well how it felt to have empty arms after 7 years of praying for a child. So I cannot fathom the thought of being the reason someone elses arms are still empty. If God has a plan for each child and we interfere with that plan we would be taking a child from another family. We would be taking another families endless joy. He or She I have no doubt would fit perfectly in our family photos but maybe we would be taking a precious face right out of someone elses family photo.

So this is why my answer is no. Maybe its not a definite no, maybe its a not right now. Only God knows the answer to that. But one things for sure I will not take someone elses joy away. I will not void their family photos of a very important member. I will not take someone elses Connor. 

Stand Still and let God move. 

We are listening and waiting for Gods Jeremiah 29:11 for us.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Urgent Prayer Request !!!

       Chances are if your not a adoptive parent, or "China Mama" as many of us are called ( Mamas who adopted from China) you dont know that last week China released a new list of requirements for adoptive families.
 Click here to read requirements  --->   https://hic2.egnyte.com/dd/bWg6opzJIv/

Maybe your wondering why im sharing this so let me explain. You may not realize but there are families who already were matched, they carried around photos of a child they were certain was theirs. A child even though they hadnt met face to face a child they love. A child who belonged. A child who had a family anxiously awaiting the day they could see them face to face. Im told the China government is reviewing each of these files case by case, but I have already heard of countless families who were told no they could not move forward to adopt their child.

I say their child because I remember how I felt once I had a picture of Connor. I remember how even though I knew nothing about motherhood I still felt like his mother. I remember how much I longed to bring him home, to begin our life together. What I remember most is how he already belonged. He had a room ready for him, he had toys, he had clothing.

There are families who are looking at a room that will not be filled with that precious child they have studied in pictures. A beautiful soul that no longer belongs, but not because they dont long for them too. Hearts are ripped open, wounds that cut so deep. And the reason Im telling you is I desperately want you to help me pray for them. Although I want you to pray for all orphans around the world and all families in the adoption process I am specifically asking you to lift up these families. The families who thought they had it all figured out, the families who love a child very much that can never be theres. Families who are still waiting to find out a answer to whether they can move forward or not. Please please help me pray..

This is the first photo we ever saw of Connor.

    I remember how we studied his sweet face. I remember how we poured prayer over him. I remember introducing him to family members. I carried this photo in my purse, in my car, and on our refrigerator. I loved him deeply. And while Hong Kong has its own separate government so these requirements would not have applied nor do they apply to Hong Kong now I still feel the sting for families who were exactly where  I was. Only to have their happily ever after slip through their fingers.  And this is why I am affected so deeply by requirements that wouldnt even have applied to my childs adoption and yet I feel slight panic in knowing they were right where I was. They need our prayers, and my hope is you will join me in praying for the children and families who are so deeply affected by these new requirements.  Families who are in limbo, families who have already received the news that they are indeed not families after all. They need us desperately, will you be there for them??

Press Forward Anyway...

  This post goes out to anyone in a uncertain situation. Your scared, your uncertain, the odds probably seem stacked against you and you see no way to proceed ahead. Let me tell you I know, I get it. Maybe I dont get your specific situation, but I know what its like to feel all the things I just listed. And its hard, and scary, and overwhelming. I've been there.

   When we felt God calling us to adopt I saw no way that it was going to work. We had zero money saved. ZERO! We lived paycheck to paycheck. We couldnt see a light at the end of the tunnel. We couldnt see how it could possibly all work. International Adoption is so so so expensive!!! And on top of that everyone thought we were crazy! I mean EVERYONE!!! We had a few exceptions, but for the most part when we told people our happy news we were met with opinions, oh so many opinions.  "You should foster", "You know there are children here".  I could go on and on, but you get my point. It was not only difficult to hear but it was very very disappointing. The truth is we had awhile to digest it all. When we surrendered and said Ok God we have no idea how this is gonna work, but you know the plans you have for us and we will follow you the excitement begin to set in. After all the years of praying and tears we were gonna have a BABY!!! And when we told person after person and werent met with that same excitement it was devastating.  The point I am trying to make is. Its ok. Its ok if no one gets it. Its ok if you get a less than thrilled reaction to something you feel so passionately about. Press forward anyway.

Then Came the diagnosis. 

Down Syndrome???

What??

"Can you handle that??" "Why??"  " Are you sure about that?"  We heard all these statements and so much more. Trust me we get it!! We had asked ourselves all the same things. We were so unsure. We were filled with fear. We couldnt see what the future would look like and it was very scary. So if thats where you are today in your situation, Press forward anyway. 

The waiting.

" How much longer?' " What takes so long?" 

Trust me we waited 7 and 1/2 years before we even started the adoption process we wanted to know what took so long as well. Why did we have to wait so long. Why couldnt it come to us easily??

If your waiting on something you want so badly dont give up. When the end seems no where in sight press forward anyway.

Cause one day the fear will wash away, other opinions wont affect you anymore, the waiting will cease, and EVERYTHING WILL ALL MAKE SENSE!

Connors adoption cost $20,000 when it was time for each payment God provided to the penny. From the first piece of paperwork to meeting him face to face was exactly 21 months. It was a long wait, but Gods timing was so perfect. And guess what Down Syndrome isnt scary at all. Seriously its not. 

So If God is calling you to do something that seems oh so impossible...PRESS FORWARD ANYWAY. 

Everything I thought I knew Changed....

   I know what you think about Orphanages, I had always thought the same thing. That they were WAY overcrowded that the children weren't living  in the best conditions, that they didnt really know love.

And while let me say that is probably true about a majority of orphanages and dont get me wrong I am not speaking for all of them, but where Connor was was not like that. 

I remember the day I found out my sweet boy was living in a orphanage up until that point I thought he was still in foster care. I remember how  I sobbed until it literally hurt. I remember how I ached to get to him so I could show him what real love really was. So I could scoop him out of the horrible state he was in and show him what it was like to have a family, to have a home.

Then I arrived at Mothers Choice Orphanage and everything changed.  All those worries and fears were erased and I saw that my son had a family long before his daddy and I arrived. He was taken excellent care of, was given therapy daily, and was living at home, and  that sweet boy that I was so worried about knew love every single day of his life!

I cannot put into words what our time was like in the short week we spent with them at Mothers Choice, but I can tell you that it changed me. That I made lifelong friends and that my opinion of orphanages has changed. Because you should never judge a book by its cover. 

Here are some photos the workers gave to us from Connors time with them. You can see his happiness and you can feel the love. I am eternally grateful for each person who poured their love, time, and patience into my son. Without them I would be raising a entirely different boy today. His birth Mother gave him life, but they helped him live and I only hope that I can continue giving him as beautiful a life as they did. 

Chair that helped him learn to stand 

First time Standing

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Learning to bare his weight on his arms

Do you know.....

Do you know what its like to hear mothers say "use your words" to children much younger than your child. When your child says a handful of words that most 12 month olds can say.

Do you know what its like to watch your child fall further and further behind and know that they will never catch up to their peers. 

Do you know what its like to watch your child still at the bottom of the steps working so intently to climb them and children years younger than him going up and down with ease. 

Do you know what its like to know that kindergarten is only a year away and yet he cant complete one thing on the list that he should know by kindergarten.

Do you know what its like to lay awake at night and wonder what will happen when your too old to care for your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder if you will ever be able to say what did you do today and get a detailed answer from your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder if there will ever be a day you dont have diapers in your house.

Do you know what its like to struggle to teach your child a few basic signs in sign language just so you know what he needs or wants.

Do you know what its like to wonder if you will ever get ahead on medical bills.

Do you know what its like to wonder when not if he will be put under anesthesia next.

Do you know whats its like to have a handful of specialist on speed dial and to have nurses at your local childrens hospital who know your child by name.

Do you know what its like to hold your child down for countless test and know that there is a good possibility  that you will do this forever.

Do you know what its like to know that there will more than likely never be a time when your child is old enough to stay home alone.

Do you know what its like to be a parent to a child with a diagnosis that classifies them as special needs.

Do you know what its like to parent a special child in a world that is cruel and mean.

Do you know what its like to smile and nod when your given advice knowing full well that it would never work for your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder when they will be picked on and mocked and not wonder if they will be.

Do you know what its like to feel the sting of knowing  most of the world is so uneducated that they will assume your child  is dumb.

Do you know what its like to know you will have to fight for his education, that you will have to make your voice be heard.

Do you know whats its like to hear people use the word retarded as a degrading word and feel your heart ache.

Do you know what its like to wonder if your doing things right, to wonder if you have what it takes to parent a child the world will always see as broken.

I am all for advice and words of wisdom, but most people dont have a clue what its really like to parent a child with special needs.  And while Im not ashamed to openly admit  alot of days I am completely overwhelmed and at times even discouraged. I want you to also know that being a special needs parent is incredible. Its twice the hugs and kisses and the possibility that your child may never go through the your so lame and uncool phase. Its the huge celebrations over milestones. Its the laughter and joy over lifes simple things that so often go unnoticed. Its the knowing that no matter how old they get you have a buddy for life. Its the most overwhelmingly wonderful feeling of knowing that what the world sees as broken is actually one of the most flawless things life has offered you and your so grateful you were chosen to raise this incredible human.  Do you know that in my opinion one of the greatest things God did for me was allowing me to parent a child with Down Syndrome. Do you know that when I count my blessing being a special needs mom is top of the list.  Do you know that even though most days I feel so inadequate I know without a doubt my calling in this life was to be his mom.  I am living my calling and although its the hardest thing I will ever do, its the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I love my tour guide so so much!!!

All things for my good

Today was a special day as two of our friends from Montana got married!!! My heart has broken all day as I wanted to be there so badly!!! I even looked at plane tickets months ago but knew there was no way we could swing the price. We lived in Montana for two years and had the most incredible life there and my heart aches to go visit and introduce them all to Connor. So today I have thought alot about our lives there and I have thought alot about how and why we moved back home. So here is a glimpse into our journey. 

    When we felt God calling us to move to Montana to work in full time ministry. We were scared to death. Jeremy had a good job and I was able to stay home since we wanted to start a family. When God made his plans crystal clear we made preparations to follow Him. Saying we were scared to death was a understatement, but we knew we had to go. We longed for Montana even though we had never been there. God places a ache for it in our hearts that nothing could quench. After we announced our news to everyone and begin the planning the devil went into overtime trying to tear things apart. He even attacked our marriage and tried his best to divide us so that we would not go.  We clung to God and pressed forward. I begin having panic attacks anytime I was alone and we were just having a super hard time with everything and I cannot tell you how many tears I shed or how many times I said " I cant do this, im  not going." . However our faith though shaken did not wavier. Thanks to lots of prayers and support from friends and family. We moved to Montana in July 2011.  

   I cannot tell you how God changed our lives there. We had a incredible life in Montana and we were so happy. I could never explain to you how quickly our hearts changed although we missed our family and friends we knew without a doubt we were where we were suppose to be. We spent two years in Montana when out of no where we felt God calling us home. We  should have been overjoyed to again be living close to our friends and family, but we were heart broken. We had built a life we loved and I did not wanna move home.  However we knew just as we had before that we had to follow Christ.  The preparations began and we moved home in July 2013. Most friends and family suspected that I was pregnant ( obviously I wasn't) or that we were moving home to start a family. Neither was true. We had no idea why God was calling us home which made it so much harder. Leaving Montana was the hardest thing I have ever done especially when we had no clear directions on what was coming next. 

When we arrived home we felt like strangers. In our minds everything would be the same, but life had went on the two years we had been gone and nothing felt the same. I spent alot of time depressed. I didnt know what I was suppose to be doing. We felt God calling us to join in planting a church in sweetwater ( The Fellowship Church). We knew we were doing what we were suppose to be doing without a doubt and yet still I was depressed and just didnt feel like I was doing what I was meant to do. Within a few months Jeremy found a job, I was babysitting, and we found a house to rent. God was working everything out and yet something didnt feel quite right. We prayed and continued to seek Gods direction . I was happy babysitting and yet out of no where I felt God telling me I should get a job outside our home. I was sad but Could not shake the feeling that it was Gods will for me. I found a job and began working and although that helped  me stay busy and occupied still I knew something wasnt right, I knew something was missing. 

Thats when God cried out that it was time to start our family and adoption was His plan. It was scary and yet  exhilarating all at once. I finally felt like our lives were coming together. I finally realized that everyone had been right we did move home to start a family  ( although we had no idea at the time.)  We prayed and  continued seeking Gods will and our adoption Journey began. 

And alot of things began to click and I realized what God had been up to all along. When we lived in Montana we were soley in full time ministry meaning we lived off what others gave. More than likely adopting would be difficult due to having a explain where our income would come from and having to show proof that it would be consistent each month.  Also there was the problem of no insurance. We had to show proof that our adopted child would be covered from day one. Our income was not enough with me babysitting. 

Not long after starting the adoption Journey I started a new job at Tri County Center. Tri County Center is a non-profit agency providing a variety of services to individuals with developmental disabilities. I loved my new job and finally felt like I was where I was suppose to be. WE pressed forward on our adoption journey and we found our baby. He happened to have Down Syndrome and i was in awe that God had placed me exactly where I needed to be long before I knew why. I never dreamed when I started my job that my child would have a developmental disability.  God worked everything out perfectly!!

 Connor has been home 18 months now and its amazing to see how God made all the pieces fit. Long before we knew He was working all things out for the things to come in our life. 

The moral of my story is following God when we dont see the whole staircase is scary. Its so difficult to take that first step, but trust me your gonna wanna do it. Because when you see that whole picture everything is gonna make sense and you'll be overwhelmed at what awaits you at the top of that staircase and your gonna be so glad you clung to Jesus and took that first step.  Everything will make sense and you will realize exactly where your suppose to be. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing

I remember dreaming of you. I remember planning for you. I remember thinking about what I thought you might be like. I remember how I ached to hold you, to run my finger through your black hair. I remember imagining what life with you would be like.  I remember the anticipation for you. I remember how I worried about being the mother that you would need me to be. I remember begging God to bring you home. I remember praying for you daily. I remember wondering if you were safe. I remember so many things. But no matter how ready I thought I was,  I can say one thing without a doubt....I wasnt prepared.

I wasnt prepared for how my heart now walks around outside my body. I wasnt prepared for how effortless it would be to love you. I wasnt prepared for how strong I could be. I wasnt prepared for how I would jump into action for you without a second thought.  I wasnt prepared for the doctors and specialist. I wasnt prepared for the fear that soared through my body the day they loaded you onto a ambulance, and yet I wasnt prepared for how brave I was that day . I wasnt prepared to suddenly be strong in the face of so much scary and unknown situations. I wasnt prepared to be a mother. I didnt know what all it meant. I didnt know how incredible it would feel. I wasnt prepared for all that was to come.

No amount of dreaming, planning. thinking can prepare you for your child. Because whatever you imagine cannot compare to looking into the face of your child for the first time. There is no way to explain it to anyone who hasnt experienced it.

And yet I thought I was gonna miss out on all this. I thought that my broken body had deprived me from experiencing this wonderous journey.  I was so wrong.

God had a plan and friends I can say without a doubt that His plans are far better than ours. I saw a doctor once and his exact words were " This will work. I can assure you that you will be pregnant this year." Ya'll those words made my heart quiver. I was elated at the thought. But within a  couple months I heard a still small voice say "no not like this." I didnt understand, but I decided to stand still and let God move. And Oh how He moved.

 

See if I hadnt listened If I had presssed forward on the journey to pregnancy I might have a baby in my arms with my eyes and Jeremys smile, but what about this boy??

 Where would that leave him?? This little face would still be waiting. He would still be without a mama and daddy. He would still be at the orphanage wondering when he would have a home. Wondering when his mama and daddy would come,

I cannot bare the thought of my son being alone, waiting and longing for me. And So I can say without a doubt that I would choose him again a million times.  Because HE may not have my eyes or Jeremys smile, and yet somehow he is just as much our child. He is just as important. He is just as loved, He wasnt plan b. Our family was Gods plan all along and we wouldnt change a single chapter of our story.  

I am so thankful that those doctors words didnt come true, because then I wouldnt have the one who makes my heart complete. If I had gotten pregnant I wouldnt have my child, my son would not be here  and a world without him is not a world I wanna see.  My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing. 

Love came.

   Some of you may not know, but we pursued a child before Connor. We saw his little face studied all his information and we wanted him to be our son. I knew his birthday, his birth weigh, and his likes and dislikes. We answered tons of questions and knew it was between us and another family we just knew we were his family. We were wrong.  The other family was chosen and I grieved. I grieved hard. I was lost. My heart was broken. I was crushed.

But my story wasnt over yet. Because just when I least expected it. Love came.

 

I cant explain to you how I knew but when I looked at this sweet face I knew he was my son. I knew I was meant to be his mother. I knew why the other family had been picked for the previous child. 

And suddenly all those years of struggling for a child. All those negative pregnancy test,. All those tears. All the heartbreak. None of it mattered because my story hadnt been over yet and even though at the time I couldnt see, Love was coming. 

And even though this love is so unconditional and pure, it came with such a struggle and fight,. Adoption is not easy, attachment didnt come easy, but our story is still a incredible love story because out of the ashes came beauty. 

So maybe your struggling. Maybe your fighting a fight and your tired and weary.  Maybe the struggle seems too great. Maybe your ready to throw in the towel and give up. My words to you are dont!   Your stories not over yet . Cling to Jesus, trust His plan, and keep running toward him.

What if we had given up after the first baby. What if we had chose to stop struggling and fighting and said no more. We would have missed out on the greatest love that was coming. Dont miss out on the beauty God has for your ashes. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

He will speak to you if you'll pay attention.

   I wanna clear up a big misconception about Connor. While I would love to say this is about all those with special needs I know I cant because everyone is unique and different, but I can speak for my son.

He understands.  So often I meet folks who assume he doesnt understand. Connor is primarily nonverbal which means he doesnt have meaningful conversations, but wait that doesnt mean he doesnt speak. He speaks with his body language, and gestures. And although to be honest there are times I have no idea what he wants or is trying to say , for the most part I know if I pay attention.

When he stomps in the shower it means he is frustrated and is ready to get out.  When he points toward the coffee table and says " UHH UHH" it means he wants a drink because thats where his drink always sits. When he pats you on the back or leg he is showing affection. If he goes and gets his shoes he wants to go somewhere. If he holds his nose he either already has or is about to poop. If he gets in your lap and folds his arms under himself he is cold. If he signs more he is hungry ( He knows the eat sign but most often just signs more.)  If he goes in the bathroom and points to the sink he wants to brush his teeth. If he folds his hands he wants to pray. If he does the hand motions to songs he wants you to sing to him. If he points at the remote he wants to watch mickey ( he will settle for any cartoon, but he always wants mickey.) If he pats a seat he is asking if he can sit there. If he reaches for you with one arm while sitting he is asking if he can get up. If he takes you to the refrigerator he wants apple juice or milk.

If you ask him if he is hungry he will go to the pantry. He puts his clothes in the laundry basket. He will bring you a diaper when he wants changed. He knows to shake his head yes,but pretty much always shakes his head no or answers "uhh uhh" to everything even if he means yes.  He can follow any basic command although he is like any other toddler and doesnt always like to listen or  follow commands.

Although Connor has said a handful of words his only constant word is "Mama." He knows im mama, but most often he is just saying it because he can say it and is not necessarily referring to or wanting me.

So yes Connor is primarily nonverbal however he can speak volumes if you take the time to pay attention and he understands. Dont underestimate his ability based on the words he can use.  He can tell you so much if youll only pay close attention.

He is smart, attentive. and comprehensive and he will speak to you if youll take the time to let him. 

If were honest.

I get overwhelmed, I get stressed, I break down. Because life is hard. Being a mom is hard. Juggling everything is hard. Its overwhelming and somedays seem too difficult to handle. Especially when you must do it all over again tomorrow.

And guess what??  Its ok to feel this way. Its ok to be overwhelmed. To wonder if you'll ever not be tired, Or if you will ever be able to sit down and eat while your food is still hot, to finish your meal without having to sharing with your toddler who just ate, or to have one meal uninterrupted. Its perfectly fine to feel overwhelmed and to let those tears fall because being a mom is tough and its neverending. The diapers, the laundry, the feedings, the meltdowns, the boo boos, not to mention when sickness hits. 

All too often I feel us Mamas feel like we shouldnt vent or complain. Sometimes its because we waited so long and wanted our child so badly. Sometimes its because we feel guilty because we absolutely love being a mom. Sometimes its because our baby was a surprise and if we vent maybe someone will think we wish we hadnt been blessed with this surprise. Sometimes its because we know so many who are desperately trying to have a family to no avail. Sometimes its because we have a friend with more kids than us and they seem to have it all together. Most of all were just worried how we will be viewed. 

Heres my experience.

My child was prayed for, wished for, begged for, sobbed for, for 7 long years. We then spent 21 months after the 7 long years on our adoption journey to bring our child home. We worked tirelessly on paperwork. We prayed, wished, begged, sobbed every step of the way. I love him more than I could ever even explain. There are no words that could adequately expressed what I would do for this tiny boy. There no limit to how far I would go to keep him safe and his needs met. All I ever wanted in this life was to be a mother and my life now is my dream come true. It didnt happen the way I expected, but my son is the best thing that ever happen to me and he made me a mother in the most perfect way. 

But guess what

Sometimes I need to vent. Sometimes I need to complain. Sometimes im so unbelieveably stressed. Sometimes I wonder how im gonna wake up and do it all again the next day. Sometimes I breakdown. Somedays I just cry. Somedays I feel so exhausted and wonder if I will ever get fully rested again. Somedays Im so busy and I think about the life before where I did what I wanted and when I wanted, ya know where  spontaneous was actually doable and my days werent strategically planned.  

However I love my kid. All day everyday. Even the days I wanna scream. Even the days I feel I cant go another step. Even the days I feel so overwhelmed. Even the days I have a good cry. Even the days I feel lost.  

Most people assume to feel this way your depressed. However im not. Im a mother. And if were honest we all have these feeling and we all have those days. But all to often we wont admit it. Because we know someone will assume we dont love our child. Maybe they'll assume we would make a different choose if we had it to do over again. The bottom line is its perfectly normal to have those days. To feel these things. It makes us no less of mothers. It changes nothing about how we feel about our child. 

Being a special needs mom is extremely hard, and often I feel I cant vent for fear of hearing those dreaded words " well she chose this". And guess what you bet I chose this. And id choose this again a million times. But I still struggle. I still stress. I still cry.  And no amount of reminding myself how incredibly blessed and lucky I am will change that. Because im a human. So all these feeling, dont make me a bad person. They dont make me a bad mother, they make me one thing. they make me normal. 

And if you feel this way then your normal too. Find yourself someone you can trust and vent away. We need to be able to express ourselves. We need to be able to be honest.  Keep pressing on. Keep loving your child. Keep being the best you can. Keep moming on. And dont worry about what others think. Cause even on those hard days your completely normal and your feelings are valid and theres a world full of mamas feeling the exact same things, although most wont admit it.  

Those overwhelming days, dont make you less of a mama they just make you a typical mama doing her best day after day to raise kind human beings. Its the toughest job you will ever have, the most worth while thing you'll ever do so of course its exhausting and overwhelming, but that dont mean you dont love the incredible ride. 

So this post is to you Mamas. keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep raising those increidible human beings, and even on those excruciatingly hard days NEVER GIVE UP. 

My promise

With May being National Foster Care  month I have thought a lot about Connors foster mother              ( Connor was in foster care the first 5 months of his life before being moved to the orphanage.). We had the privilege of meeting her while in Hong Kong when She attended Connors farewell party. Not only did she attend, but when asked if anyone had anything they would like to say to us or Connor she stepped forward. It didn't matter to her that she needed a interpreter. I'll never forget her words.  "I prayed for this day for so long. The day that "Tim Tim" would have a family. " I don't remember much else due to my sobs masking out the interpreters voice ( thankfully we have it on video.)  You see we prayed for so long for a family and when God answered our prayers and sent us our precious Connor we were beyond thrilled for OUR answered prayer it wasn't until I heard my sons foster mothers words that I realized in their eyes "WE" were the answered prayer.  It's a overwhelming feeling to know that this child that they loved and looked after  for three years whom they  were deeply and completely attached to and yet they still prayed that his family would come. Something that they knew would bring them deep pain and hurt and yet they loved him enough to pray for it anyway.

  I remember the day we left with Connor. I watched the grieving start and I felt my heart break and even felt guilty. I watched as workers sobbed . Some doubled over as they wept loudly. I watched them get one last hug, kiss, and wave. I watched some of them come back two or three times to touch him once more. I remember the last person I hugged that day. Someone who was one of the closest to my guy, and when I wrapped my arms around her sobbing body I whispered in her ear and made a promise.  As she heard those words she clung tighter to me and I knew she was clinging and trusting in my promise so she could let this baby go.  I know she already believed those words after meeting us, but somehow in that moment I felt she need to hear them out loud and so I whispered through my own tears . 

"I'm gonna take really good care of him."