Everything I thought I knew Changed....

   I know what you think about Orphanages, I had always thought the same thing. That they were WAY overcrowded that the children weren't living  in the best conditions, that they didnt really know love.

And while let me say that is probably true about a majority of orphanages and dont get me wrong I am not speaking for all of them, but where Connor was was not like that. 

I remember the day I found out my sweet boy was living in a orphanage up until that point I thought he was still in foster care. I remember how  I sobbed until it literally hurt. I remember how I ached to get to him so I could show him what real love really was. So I could scoop him out of the horrible state he was in and show him what it was like to have a family, to have a home.

Then I arrived at Mothers Choice Orphanage and everything changed.  All those worries and fears were erased and I saw that my son had a family long before his daddy and I arrived. He was taken excellent care of, was given therapy daily, and was living at home, and  that sweet boy that I was so worried about knew love every single day of his life!

I cannot put into words what our time was like in the short week we spent with them at Mothers Choice, but I can tell you that it changed me. That I made lifelong friends and that my opinion of orphanages has changed. Because you should never judge a book by its cover. 

Here are some photos the workers gave to us from Connors time with them. You can see his happiness and you can feel the love. I am eternally grateful for each person who poured their love, time, and patience into my son. Without them I would be raising a entirely different boy today. His birth Mother gave him life, but they helped him live and I only hope that I can continue giving him as beautiful a life as they did. 

Chair that helped him learn to stand 

First time Standing

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Learning to bare his weight on his arms

Do you know.....

Do you know what its like to hear mothers say "use your words" to children much younger than your child. When your child says a handful of words that most 12 month olds can say.

Do you know what its like to watch your child fall further and further behind and know that they will never catch up to their peers. 

Do you know what its like to watch your child still at the bottom of the steps working so intently to climb them and children years younger than him going up and down with ease. 

Do you know what its like to know that kindergarten is only a year away and yet he cant complete one thing on the list that he should know by kindergarten.

Do you know what its like to lay awake at night and wonder what will happen when your too old to care for your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder if you will ever be able to say what did you do today and get a detailed answer from your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder if there will ever be a day you dont have diapers in your house.

Do you know what its like to struggle to teach your child a few basic signs in sign language just so you know what he needs or wants.

Do you know what its like to wonder if you will ever get ahead on medical bills.

Do you know what its like to wonder when not if he will be put under anesthesia next.

Do you know whats its like to have a handful of specialist on speed dial and to have nurses at your local childrens hospital who know your child by name.

Do you know what its like to hold your child down for countless test and know that there is a good possibility  that you will do this forever.

Do you know what its like to know that there will more than likely never be a time when your child is old enough to stay home alone.

Do you know what its like to be a parent to a child with a diagnosis that classifies them as special needs.

Do you know what its like to parent a special child in a world that is cruel and mean.

Do you know what its like to smile and nod when your given advice knowing full well that it would never work for your child.

Do you know what its like to wonder when they will be picked on and mocked and not wonder if they will be.

Do you know what its like to feel the sting of knowing  most of the world is so uneducated that they will assume your child  is dumb.

Do you know what its like to know you will have to fight for his education, that you will have to make your voice be heard.

Do you know whats its like to hear people use the word retarded as a degrading word and feel your heart ache.

Do you know what its like to wonder if your doing things right, to wonder if you have what it takes to parent a child the world will always see as broken.

I am all for advice and words of wisdom, but most people dont have a clue what its really like to parent a child with special needs.  And while Im not ashamed to openly admit  alot of days I am completely overwhelmed and at times even discouraged. I want you to also know that being a special needs parent is incredible. Its twice the hugs and kisses and the possibility that your child may never go through the your so lame and uncool phase. Its the huge celebrations over milestones. Its the laughter and joy over lifes simple things that so often go unnoticed. Its the knowing that no matter how old they get you have a buddy for life. Its the most overwhelmingly wonderful feeling of knowing that what the world sees as broken is actually one of the most flawless things life has offered you and your so grateful you were chosen to raise this incredible human.  Do you know that in my opinion one of the greatest things God did for me was allowing me to parent a child with Down Syndrome. Do you know that when I count my blessing being a special needs mom is top of the list.  Do you know that even though most days I feel so inadequate I know without a doubt my calling in this life was to be his mom.  I am living my calling and although its the hardest thing I will ever do, its the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I love my tour guide so so much!!!

All things for my good

Today was a special day as two of our friends from Montana got married!!! My heart has broken all day as I wanted to be there so badly!!! I even looked at plane tickets months ago but knew there was no way we could swing the price. We lived in Montana for two years and had the most incredible life there and my heart aches to go visit and introduce them all to Connor. So today I have thought alot about our lives there and I have thought alot about how and why we moved back home. So here is a glimpse into our journey. 

    When we felt God calling us to move to Montana to work in full time ministry. We were scared to death. Jeremy had a good job and I was able to stay home since we wanted to start a family. When God made his plans crystal clear we made preparations to follow Him. Saying we were scared to death was a understatement, but we knew we had to go. We longed for Montana even though we had never been there. God places a ache for it in our hearts that nothing could quench. After we announced our news to everyone and begin the planning the devil went into overtime trying to tear things apart. He even attacked our marriage and tried his best to divide us so that we would not go.  We clung to God and pressed forward. I begin having panic attacks anytime I was alone and we were just having a super hard time with everything and I cannot tell you how many tears I shed or how many times I said " I cant do this, im  not going." . However our faith though shaken did not wavier. Thanks to lots of prayers and support from friends and family. We moved to Montana in July 2011.  

   I cannot tell you how God changed our lives there. We had a incredible life in Montana and we were so happy. I could never explain to you how quickly our hearts changed although we missed our family and friends we knew without a doubt we were where we were suppose to be. We spent two years in Montana when out of no where we felt God calling us home. We  should have been overjoyed to again be living close to our friends and family, but we were heart broken. We had built a life we loved and I did not wanna move home.  However we knew just as we had before that we had to follow Christ.  The preparations began and we moved home in July 2013. Most friends and family suspected that I was pregnant ( obviously I wasn't) or that we were moving home to start a family. Neither was true. We had no idea why God was calling us home which made it so much harder. Leaving Montana was the hardest thing I have ever done especially when we had no clear directions on what was coming next. 

When we arrived home we felt like strangers. In our minds everything would be the same, but life had went on the two years we had been gone and nothing felt the same. I spent alot of time depressed. I didnt know what I was suppose to be doing. We felt God calling us to join in planting a church in sweetwater ( The Fellowship Church). We knew we were doing what we were suppose to be doing without a doubt and yet still I was depressed and just didnt feel like I was doing what I was meant to do. Within a few months Jeremy found a job, I was babysitting, and we found a house to rent. God was working everything out and yet something didnt feel quite right. We prayed and continued to seek Gods direction . I was happy babysitting and yet out of no where I felt God telling me I should get a job outside our home. I was sad but Could not shake the feeling that it was Gods will for me. I found a job and began working and although that helped  me stay busy and occupied still I knew something wasnt right, I knew something was missing. 

Thats when God cried out that it was time to start our family and adoption was His plan. It was scary and yet  exhilarating all at once. I finally felt like our lives were coming together. I finally realized that everyone had been right we did move home to start a family  ( although we had no idea at the time.)  We prayed and  continued seeking Gods will and our adoption Journey began. 

And alot of things began to click and I realized what God had been up to all along. When we lived in Montana we were soley in full time ministry meaning we lived off what others gave. More than likely adopting would be difficult due to having a explain where our income would come from and having to show proof that it would be consistent each month.  Also there was the problem of no insurance. We had to show proof that our adopted child would be covered from day one. Our income was not enough with me babysitting. 

Not long after starting the adoption Journey I started a new job at Tri County Center. Tri County Center is a non-profit agency providing a variety of services to individuals with developmental disabilities. I loved my new job and finally felt like I was where I was suppose to be. WE pressed forward on our adoption journey and we found our baby. He happened to have Down Syndrome and i was in awe that God had placed me exactly where I needed to be long before I knew why. I never dreamed when I started my job that my child would have a developmental disability.  God worked everything out perfectly!!

 Connor has been home 18 months now and its amazing to see how God made all the pieces fit. Long before we knew He was working all things out for the things to come in our life. 

The moral of my story is following God when we dont see the whole staircase is scary. Its so difficult to take that first step, but trust me your gonna wanna do it. Because when you see that whole picture everything is gonna make sense and you'll be overwhelmed at what awaits you at the top of that staircase and your gonna be so glad you clung to Jesus and took that first step.  Everything will make sense and you will realize exactly where your suppose to be. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing

I remember dreaming of you. I remember planning for you. I remember thinking about what I thought you might be like. I remember how I ached to hold you, to run my finger through your black hair. I remember imagining what life with you would be like.  I remember the anticipation for you. I remember how I worried about being the mother that you would need me to be. I remember begging God to bring you home. I remember praying for you daily. I remember wondering if you were safe. I remember so many things. But no matter how ready I thought I was,  I can say one thing without a doubt....I wasnt prepared.

I wasnt prepared for how my heart now walks around outside my body. I wasnt prepared for how effortless it would be to love you. I wasnt prepared for how strong I could be. I wasnt prepared for how I would jump into action for you without a second thought.  I wasnt prepared for the doctors and specialist. I wasnt prepared for the fear that soared through my body the day they loaded you onto a ambulance, and yet I wasnt prepared for how brave I was that day . I wasnt prepared to suddenly be strong in the face of so much scary and unknown situations. I wasnt prepared to be a mother. I didnt know what all it meant. I didnt know how incredible it would feel. I wasnt prepared for all that was to come.

No amount of dreaming, planning. thinking can prepare you for your child. Because whatever you imagine cannot compare to looking into the face of your child for the first time. There is no way to explain it to anyone who hasnt experienced it.

And yet I thought I was gonna miss out on all this. I thought that my broken body had deprived me from experiencing this wonderous journey.  I was so wrong.

God had a plan and friends I can say without a doubt that His plans are far better than ours. I saw a doctor once and his exact words were " This will work. I can assure you that you will be pregnant this year." Ya'll those words made my heart quiver. I was elated at the thought. But within a  couple months I heard a still small voice say "no not like this." I didnt understand, but I decided to stand still and let God move. And Oh how He moved.

 

See if I hadnt listened If I had presssed forward on the journey to pregnancy I might have a baby in my arms with my eyes and Jeremys smile, but what about this boy??

 Where would that leave him?? This little face would still be waiting. He would still be without a mama and daddy. He would still be at the orphanage wondering when he would have a home. Wondering when his mama and daddy would come,

I cannot bare the thought of my son being alone, waiting and longing for me. And So I can say without a doubt that I would choose him again a million times.  Because HE may not have my eyes or Jeremys smile, and yet somehow he is just as much our child. He is just as important. He is just as loved, He wasnt plan b. Our family was Gods plan all along and we wouldnt change a single chapter of our story.  

I am so thankful that those doctors words didnt come true, because then I wouldnt have the one who makes my heart complete. If I had gotten pregnant I wouldnt have my child, my son would not be here  and a world without him is not a world I wanna see.  My biggest unanswered prayer, brought my greatest blessing. 

Love came.

   Some of you may not know, but we pursued a child before Connor. We saw his little face studied all his information and we wanted him to be our son. I knew his birthday, his birth weigh, and his likes and dislikes. We answered tons of questions and knew it was between us and another family we just knew we were his family. We were wrong.  The other family was chosen and I grieved. I grieved hard. I was lost. My heart was broken. I was crushed.

But my story wasnt over yet. Because just when I least expected it. Love came.

 

I cant explain to you how I knew but when I looked at this sweet face I knew he was my son. I knew I was meant to be his mother. I knew why the other family had been picked for the previous child. 

And suddenly all those years of struggling for a child. All those negative pregnancy test,. All those tears. All the heartbreak. None of it mattered because my story hadnt been over yet and even though at the time I couldnt see, Love was coming. 

And even though this love is so unconditional and pure, it came with such a struggle and fight,. Adoption is not easy, attachment didnt come easy, but our story is still a incredible love story because out of the ashes came beauty. 

So maybe your struggling. Maybe your fighting a fight and your tired and weary.  Maybe the struggle seems too great. Maybe your ready to throw in the towel and give up. My words to you are dont!   Your stories not over yet . Cling to Jesus, trust His plan, and keep running toward him.

What if we had given up after the first baby. What if we had chose to stop struggling and fighting and said no more. We would have missed out on the greatest love that was coming. Dont miss out on the beauty God has for your ashes. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

He will speak to you if you'll pay attention.

   I wanna clear up a big misconception about Connor. While I would love to say this is about all those with special needs I know I cant because everyone is unique and different, but I can speak for my son.

He understands.  So often I meet folks who assume he doesnt understand. Connor is primarily nonverbal which means he doesnt have meaningful conversations, but wait that doesnt mean he doesnt speak. He speaks with his body language, and gestures. And although to be honest there are times I have no idea what he wants or is trying to say , for the most part I know if I pay attention.

When he stomps in the shower it means he is frustrated and is ready to get out.  When he points toward the coffee table and says " UHH UHH" it means he wants a drink because thats where his drink always sits. When he pats you on the back or leg he is showing affection. If he goes and gets his shoes he wants to go somewhere. If he holds his nose he either already has or is about to poop. If he gets in your lap and folds his arms under himself he is cold. If he signs more he is hungry ( He knows the eat sign but most often just signs more.)  If he goes in the bathroom and points to the sink he wants to brush his teeth. If he folds his hands he wants to pray. If he does the hand motions to songs he wants you to sing to him. If he points at the remote he wants to watch mickey ( he will settle for any cartoon, but he always wants mickey.) If he pats a seat he is asking if he can sit there. If he reaches for you with one arm while sitting he is asking if he can get up. If he takes you to the refrigerator he wants apple juice or milk.

If you ask him if he is hungry he will go to the pantry. He puts his clothes in the laundry basket. He will bring you a diaper when he wants changed. He knows to shake his head yes,but pretty much always shakes his head no or answers "uhh uhh" to everything even if he means yes.  He can follow any basic command although he is like any other toddler and doesnt always like to listen or  follow commands.

Although Connor has said a handful of words his only constant word is "Mama." He knows im mama, but most often he is just saying it because he can say it and is not necessarily referring to or wanting me.

So yes Connor is primarily nonverbal however he can speak volumes if you take the time to pay attention and he understands. Dont underestimate his ability based on the words he can use.  He can tell you so much if youll only pay close attention.

He is smart, attentive. and comprehensive and he will speak to you if youll take the time to let him. 

If were honest.

I get overwhelmed, I get stressed, I break down. Because life is hard. Being a mom is hard. Juggling everything is hard. Its overwhelming and somedays seem too difficult to handle. Especially when you must do it all over again tomorrow.

And guess what??  Its ok to feel this way. Its ok to be overwhelmed. To wonder if you'll ever not be tired, Or if you will ever be able to sit down and eat while your food is still hot, to finish your meal without having to sharing with your toddler who just ate, or to have one meal uninterrupted. Its perfectly fine to feel overwhelmed and to let those tears fall because being a mom is tough and its neverending. The diapers, the laundry, the feedings, the meltdowns, the boo boos, not to mention when sickness hits. 

All too often I feel us Mamas feel like we shouldnt vent or complain. Sometimes its because we waited so long and wanted our child so badly. Sometimes its because we feel guilty because we absolutely love being a mom. Sometimes its because our baby was a surprise and if we vent maybe someone will think we wish we hadnt been blessed with this surprise. Sometimes its because we know so many who are desperately trying to have a family to no avail. Sometimes its because we have a friend with more kids than us and they seem to have it all together. Most of all were just worried how we will be viewed. 

Heres my experience.

My child was prayed for, wished for, begged for, sobbed for, for 7 long years. We then spent 21 months after the 7 long years on our adoption journey to bring our child home. We worked tirelessly on paperwork. We prayed, wished, begged, sobbed every step of the way. I love him more than I could ever even explain. There are no words that could adequately expressed what I would do for this tiny boy. There no limit to how far I would go to keep him safe and his needs met. All I ever wanted in this life was to be a mother and my life now is my dream come true. It didnt happen the way I expected, but my son is the best thing that ever happen to me and he made me a mother in the most perfect way. 

But guess what

Sometimes I need to vent. Sometimes I need to complain. Sometimes im so unbelieveably stressed. Sometimes I wonder how im gonna wake up and do it all again the next day. Sometimes I breakdown. Somedays I just cry. Somedays I feel so exhausted and wonder if I will ever get fully rested again. Somedays Im so busy and I think about the life before where I did what I wanted and when I wanted, ya know where  spontaneous was actually doable and my days werent strategically planned.  

However I love my kid. All day everyday. Even the days I wanna scream. Even the days I feel I cant go another step. Even the days I feel so overwhelmed. Even the days I have a good cry. Even the days I feel lost.  

Most people assume to feel this way your depressed. However im not. Im a mother. And if were honest we all have these feeling and we all have those days. But all to often we wont admit it. Because we know someone will assume we dont love our child. Maybe they'll assume we would make a different choose if we had it to do over again. The bottom line is its perfectly normal to have those days. To feel these things. It makes us no less of mothers. It changes nothing about how we feel about our child. 

Being a special needs mom is extremely hard, and often I feel I cant vent for fear of hearing those dreaded words " well she chose this". And guess what you bet I chose this. And id choose this again a million times. But I still struggle. I still stress. I still cry.  And no amount of reminding myself how incredibly blessed and lucky I am will change that. Because im a human. So all these feeling, dont make me a bad person. They dont make me a bad mother, they make me one thing. they make me normal. 

And if you feel this way then your normal too. Find yourself someone you can trust and vent away. We need to be able to express ourselves. We need to be able to be honest.  Keep pressing on. Keep loving your child. Keep being the best you can. Keep moming on. And dont worry about what others think. Cause even on those hard days your completely normal and your feelings are valid and theres a world full of mamas feeling the exact same things, although most wont admit it.  

Those overwhelming days, dont make you less of a mama they just make you a typical mama doing her best day after day to raise kind human beings. Its the toughest job you will ever have, the most worth while thing you'll ever do so of course its exhausting and overwhelming, but that dont mean you dont love the incredible ride. 

So this post is to you Mamas. keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep raising those increidible human beings, and even on those excruciatingly hard days NEVER GIVE UP. 

My promise

With May being National Foster Care  month I have thought a lot about Connors foster mother              ( Connor was in foster care the first 5 months of his life before being moved to the orphanage.). We had the privilege of meeting her while in Hong Kong when She attended Connors farewell party. Not only did she attend, but when asked if anyone had anything they would like to say to us or Connor she stepped forward. It didn't matter to her that she needed a interpreter. I'll never forget her words.  "I prayed for this day for so long. The day that "Tim Tim" would have a family. " I don't remember much else due to my sobs masking out the interpreters voice ( thankfully we have it on video.)  You see we prayed for so long for a family and when God answered our prayers and sent us our precious Connor we were beyond thrilled for OUR answered prayer it wasn't until I heard my sons foster mothers words that I realized in their eyes "WE" were the answered prayer.  It's a overwhelming feeling to know that this child that they loved and looked after  for three years whom they  were deeply and completely attached to and yet they still prayed that his family would come. Something that they knew would bring them deep pain and hurt and yet they loved him enough to pray for it anyway.

  I remember the day we left with Connor. I watched the grieving start and I felt my heart break and even felt guilty. I watched as workers sobbed . Some doubled over as they wept loudly. I watched them get one last hug, kiss, and wave. I watched some of them come back two or three times to touch him once more. I remember the last person I hugged that day. Someone who was one of the closest to my guy, and when I wrapped my arms around her sobbing body I whispered in her ear and made a promise.  As she heard those words she clung tighter to me and I knew she was clinging and trusting in my promise so she could let this baby go.  I know she already believed those words after meeting us, but somehow in that moment I felt she need to hear them out loud and so I whispered through my own tears . 

"I'm gonna take really good care of him."   

Why im a tough mom and why I feel its so important.

  I know what you say about me, and your absolutely right. Im a tough mom. Maybe you think im too strict. Maybe you think I should relax more or be easier.

And guess what maybe your right, but I dont think I expect too much. Because regardless of what some of the world may say my son is smart. Smart enough to be taught right from wrong. Smart enough to be expected to behave like a gentleman. And im not crazy I know he is 4, and I know that he is delayed to much younger than 4. However I believe he is smart, I believe he is  very capable of learning. How can I teach him if im busy thinking how cute he is. If im busy letting him slide by with behavior we wouldnt accept from any other child.

So yes maybe im too tough according to popular opinion, but its only because I am thinking of the future. I am thinking of the grown man he will become. The man who will be  bigger and more powerful than me.  If I dont teach him now what is and isnt ok then it will be too late. It will be too late when he is bigger than me. It will be too late when he is more powerful than his tiny 5 foot mom. So I am tough, but its all out of love. It doesnt come from a place of maliciousness. Its because I want that man who is gonna be bigger and more powerful than me to be a kind man. To be a man that I dont have to be afraid of.

So when you see me correct my child, or speak to him like he can understand please know that its because he can understand. Just because a child is primarily nonverbal does not mean they cannot understand when you speak to them. Trust me he knows. He comprehends.

And one day I hope that because I was a tough mom that I have a kind, compassionate, and gentle son who I look up to, most likely literally.

On those days....

 Maybe you think I have it all together. Maybe you think I never have doubts, but  there are those days. Those days when the devil tells me Im a bad mom. When he tells me that I cant do this. When he says that Im messing my kid up.

Sadly I bet you have those days too, but ya know what, we dont have to believe it.  Easier said than done of course when most days I feel like I barely have it together myself. So how can I raise another human being. How can I be sure im doing this right.  And on those days when I am completely filled with doubt heres what I do.


I cling to Jesus. I pray more. I cuddle my little one. I give more hugs and kisses. I take a deep breath and on those days I remind myself that the creator of the universe trusted me to raise this tiny boy.  And although most days I feel completely inadequate I remember that God who knows every single thing about me even things I dont realize about myself chose me to be this little guys mom.

So on those days, those horrible no good very bad days, those days when I think I cannot go another step. Those days when I overanalyze  every decision I am making or have made. Those days when I feel so overwhelmed and sad. Those days when I look into the innocent eyes of my child and wonder if im enough for him. I remember Gods promises on those days, and although sometimes He may give me more than I can handle, He never gives more than He can handle. On those days I cast my cares on Him because only He can give me rest.

So if your anything like me then those days wont go away, but remember where your help comes from. Let Him fill you with His peace. He entrusted you, but you dont walk alone. You have the creator of the universe on your side so what do you have to fear. Remember that on those days. 

Setting the record straight.

 I wanna set the record straight about something that I think gets misconstrued about our family. So Ill just get to it....

We did not set out to adopt a child with special needs. There I said it and it sounds harsh and wrong doesn't it, and yet when you thought we did set out to adopt a child with special needs we heard things like " You all are so special" " Bless yall" " It takes special people" " You all are a God send" "I could never do that" "You all are awesome" etc etc. Let me say we appreciate all the kind words and im not out to be hateful or condescending. However I dont want to be put on a pedestal and heres why.

We didnt choose this. We set out on a journey to find our child. We started the adoption process with hopes and dreams of a healthy happy child.

and yet God had other plans.

It wasnt our plans. We fought it at first. This couldnt be real I keep thinking. I must be hearing God wrong. I couldnt parent a child with Down Syndrome. Seriously I couldnt. And guess what I wouldnt. I wasnt gonna do it. As a matter of fact we filled out paperwork stating what we were open to and to this day our paperwork is somewhere with my handwriting with a big fat no written next to Down Syndrome.

And yet this angel calls me Mama.

And guess what I can do it. I can teach him. I can nourish him.I can fight for him.  I can most definitely love him. I can parent a child with Down Syndrome.

Many people set out on there adoption journey seeking a child with special needs, and that is simply amazing. Those people are God sends. They deserve the pedestal.

However I am setting the record straight that we did not. I want the world to hear our story because it is a story about listening to God and no matter how fearful and unsettling His plan may seem trusting Him and following Him. He may lead you somewhere you dont wanna go, Call you to something you think you cant do.

But you can do it. 

 And you may end up being blown away at how perfect His plan is. You may realize daily just how much you would have missed out on had you stuck to your guns and went your own way and not Gods way.

I am thankful God changed our minds. I am thankful we broke down and listened to Him. I am thankful he calls us to do hard things sometimes, but He always makes a way for us. I am thankful my son has Down Syndrome. Even though I didnt choose for him too.

So when you find out my son has Down Syndrome and when you find out he is adopted, dont be so quick to think we are fearless saints with amazing bravery. Dont be so quick to think we didnt grieve the loss of the idea of a child the world sees as " perfect".

But also Dont be so quick to think we dont love him just the way he is. . Dont be so quick to underestimate him. Dont be so quick to think we would take the extra chromosome away. Dont be so quick to think we dont see him as "perfect" no matter what the World sees or says. Dont be so quick to think we didnt get our healthy and happy child just like we wanted.

Dont be so quick to think we wouldnt choose him a million times again

9 years

   I remember saying those words like it was yesterday, " I am done with love!" After so much heartbreak and effort I was exhausted and completely finished with guys. Thats when it happened. I received a message that changed everything.

I called my best friend and said " Girl, you are never gonna believe who asked me out!!!" Who??? "Jeremy Malone!!" ( I grew up with Jeremy at church. I cant remember a time I didnt know him.) My friend begins laughing, then silence filled the phone. Oh my gosh did you say yes??? She said. I laughed and said "Yeah why not." After all what would one night hurt, seeing one movie.  

But oh it turned out to be so much more and Ya'll I wasnt done with love after all. 

Every wall I had put up he slowly broke each one down. It wasn't easy and yet loving him required no effort. 

After only 8 months of dating on and off  Jeremy asked me to be his wife. I said yes and 2 months later we said I do.

  Life hasnt always been easy. Marriage is not all rainbows and sunshine, because in order to get the rainbow you gotta make it through the rain. As a couple we have weathered many storms and seen some incredible rainbows.  This past year our lives drastically changed when we welcomed our sweet Connor Thaddeus into our lives. 

 Becoming parents wasn't easy for us. It may have very well been our biggest storm, but oh the rainbow we have now.

9 years have gone by so fast!!  I am thankful for a hard working man who loves me unconditionally, who helps me raise a incredible son, stands with me through all the storms thrown our way,  and has helped me  build a unbelievably beautiful life.  

I love you Jeremy!!! Thank you for choosing to spend forever with me!!!

I don't get to decide...

   I have decided to address a question I get alot.  Do you want more kids?? Are you gonna try to have a baby?? Are you gonna adopt again?? Connor needs a sister. Connor needs a brother.

You wouldnt believe how many times I get these things said to me, so here is my answer.

   Do I want more children??  Absolutely!! I want Connor to know the joys of siblings. Do I want another child this minute? No. Honestly I dont feel ready. Connor spent the first few months of his life with a foster family and he was not the only child there. He then moved to the orphanage with many other children, So I really want him to have some one on one time.  Do I want to try to conceive biologically?? I'm not against it and yet the thought of feeling that heartbreak again month after month leaves me feeling nothing but dread, honestly I would rather adopt again where I know that there is a baby at the end of the tunnel so to speak .  Connor does not need a brother or sister, Do I wanna give him siblings yes absolutely, but I wouldnt say he needs them.

To be 100% honest I would have started the adoption process again immediately after finalizing Connors adoption. After all it took 21 months from start to when we traveled to get Connor so in my mind yeah in two years we will be ready. However right now at this moment he needs my attention, he needs my love, he needs the focus. Does that mean if I were to conceive I wouldnt be elated, of course not. I would be completely overjoyed, but that dont mean im ready to try to add to our family biologically.

Lets look at the bigger picture here. God called us to adopt Connor. He literally provided every penny. What do I mean by that,?? I mean we had 0 money saved for the adoption and yet today we are in zero debt from the adoption. Not because were awesome, but because Our God is!!! Every step He led the way and things worked out perfectly. Because it was His will, It was His plan.

So I dont get to decide. Oh sure we could start the adoption process again tomorrow, but if its not His will for us then it will only lead to struggle and heartache. We know this, we realize this. So I can say confidently that I dont get to decide. I will not do it, unless its God will because I know it will all fall apart without Him.

Do I pray for a bigger family?? Yes. I asked God to grow our family daily. However if He doesn't im content. I have a wonderful  husband and a incredible son and if thats all for me then I am overjoyed with my life.

So right now  I am loving on Connor and giving him the focus and I am waiting on the Lord. I am seeking Him and following his lead. He led me to my first child and If another is in my future He will lead me to them as well.

So the ultimate answer is I am waiting to see myself because I dont get to decide.

She came at the perfect time.

 I wasn't there the day you were born. The moment they said "Its a boy." I didn't hear your first cries. I didn't see you roll over for the first time. The first time you smiled it wasn't at me. I didn't see your first steps. I didn't stay up with you through sleepless nights when you were cutting your first tooth. I missed alot, but that doesn't mean I'm any less your mother.

I  missed alot, and yet I have to believe that I came at the perfect time. I didnt rush in like a super hero at your darkest hour. You werent distressed, as a matter of fact you were happy, very happy. You had a family at the orphanage. You were deeply loved and you loved them deeply too. I didnt rescue you from a horrible situation, because you had a good life. You had your every need met. You received therapy. You were surrounded by children. You had toys, your own bed, you were doing good.

And yet you had no mom. Something that is crucial to a child, You didnt know any different, but you needed me. You needed me, and I came.

And as long as I'm living I'll always come.

I missed the first cry, but I will come when you cry now.

I missed hearing "Its a boy", but when I'm asked if I have children I proudly say yes a boy.

Those milestones I missed I can never get those back, but now we clap, cheer, and have dance parties each time you hit a new milestone. And each time I think my heart will explode with pride.

Every night I read you your bible stories, and I say your bedtime prayers, I tuck you in and I think to myself I am so glad I'm not missing this.

Every morning I wake you to see your cheerful smile, and its me your smiling up at.

I don't know why I had to miss so much, but I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time.

Because you came to me at the perfect time.

I was falling apart. I was struggling. I was lost. Thats when you came. When everything was falling apart thats when God said I have a plan, follow me.  You were his plan. You were my happy ending.

And suddenly I wasnt lost anymore.  Because I had everything I ever wanted.

I have to believe that I came to you at the perfect time, because you came to me at the perfect time.  You have so many toys, not just your own bed, but your own room your needs are met. And now you have me, your mom.  Someone who was missing for so long, and yet  I hope someday you can look back and say  she came at the perfect time.

I love you Connor Thaddeus Malone, and even though I missed your beginning I was always your mom, even before our perfect time.

When a stranger really saw my son/

    I had a moment a few nights ago where someone I didnt know came up and said "He is beautiful, I have been watching him all night, Could I hold him." While normally this would be creepy. I instantly knew this person got it. This person saw my son, I mean really saw him. My guy realized it to because he openly welcomed this stranger with arms stretched out and a sweet smile. He laid his head on his shoulder and smiled and giggled while making eye contact with me. Its like he knew, He knew that this person saw him.

   It happened at a Easter play. I didnt know that as I sat with my little man in my lap we were being watched. He was touching someones heart just by being himself, just by being there. I briefly shared our story, through a joy filled heart because I knew. I knew this tiny soul who means everything to me had reached someone else without doing anything. This person has a adopted child with special needs as well. We quickly shared about our little loves. We talked about the joy far outweighing the struggles.

Its amazing how you can connect with a stranger and they can get you without hearing your entire story, and yet somehow they know. They know you struggle, they know the hurt, they know you are stretched very thin most days, and yet they know the overwhelming joy, they know the triumphs with each new milestone, they know the joyful bliss.  I watched in awe as this stranger snuggled my son. As my sweetie welcome his love so eagerly.

Ill never forget that moment. The moment someone saw Connor, really saw him. When a stranger saw and admired the asset my son is to the kingdom. When He saw the true blessing he held in his arms. When after only knowing us for a few moments recognized all that my child with Down syndrome is. When he loved him for him and not felt pity or grief  toward him.

It came after a hard week. It came after a week of feeling like I was being stretched entirely too thin. It came when I was tired and weary. It came at the perfect time, because thats how God works. He knows what we need and when we need it. He knew I needed that stranger to see us. Someone who knew me for only moments saw what sometimes those close to me miss.  Someone who shared my highs and lows without even really knowing us.

I am forever changed because of a moment when a stranger really saw my son.