Its ok If you stare...

  So I was out with my mom one night and she said why is everyone staring at us?? I said oh they are looking at Connor. The truth is I have grown so use to it that I dont even notice much anymore and when I do notice I dont care. But I Sometimes wish I could tell those who stare a few things so this goes out to those who cant look away.

Its ok if you stare. Most people do. Maybe you knew from the moment you saw him or maybe your trying to figure out yay or nay. Either way those  Down Syndrome features have a way of peeking through. Maybe your watching me and wondering how I do it all. Maybe its a bless your heart look and maybe its just curiosity. Either way its ok with me.

It is hard I wont lie. And this everythings great and im loving every second role I play is not exactly honest I do not enjoy holding my precious boy down for numerous test. I do not enjoy watching him scream and fight until he has no strength left. I do not enjoy all the specialist and doctors he sees. I do not enjoy having to be strong all the time. I do not enjoy worrying about the future every second of my life. I do not enjoy alot of thing nevertheless I put on a smile day after day and ya know why.....

Because I enjoy so many other things. I love the way that tongue hangs out all the time even if it means smearing on tons of aquaphor each night trying to heal a broken out chin. I love it seeming like  I get to enjoy each stage a little longer although sometimes I get frustrated with all the delays. Im so grateful for each doctor and specialist that we have found along the way although I dislike that we need so many and all the time we spend seeing them.  I love the feeling of pride that over takes my heart when he hits a new milestone even if its a simple one.

The truth is im like any other mom, and yet a special needs moms journey is so different too.  But the joy, the pride, the love its all the same. The heartache, the struggle, maybe its a little different but in ways its all the same. So I dont need a sympathetic look although I appreciate the concern for me.  Im just like anyone else,  loving my kid with ever fiber of my being and yet struggling along on the motherhood journey.

Theres alot you cant see when you stare at us. There so much deeper to our story then can be seen.

Its not always easy, but its always worth it.  Maybe you didnt figure it out from the get go but this little guy is adopted, adding another reason for the stares at us.

 You probably couldnt tell but he has accomplished so much since we brought him home.

Did you know when we brought him home he only ate purreed foods and we literally taught him how to eat.

Did you know that a cold turned to pneumonia in only 3 days and we spent 2 days by his hospital bed scared out of our minds.

Did you know that he had a blockage in his nasal passage and he stopped eating and drinking for two days.

Did you know that he has scarring in his right lung and we have to watch every little cough and sniffel like a hawk.

Did you know that we have no idea what his intellectual future looks like and yes its so scary.

Did you know that hes five and I can count how many words he can say on one hand.

Did you know that sign language has literally changed our lives and made it possible for him to communicate his wants and needs.

Did you know that most days I feel so inadequate to be his mother and I have so many doubts and fears.

It may have been hard to tell since he is 100% a mamas boy now, but attachment took time and didnt arrive instantly for him toward me.

So its ok If you catch yourself looking and not able to look away, but please know that its also ok with us if you come say hello. If you ask us questions, but if just watching makes you more comfortable we can handle it cause we have weathered many storms and will handle many more and someone looking at us is ok. We dont mind really, cause were comfortable in who we are but please know theres a million other things you dont get to see, by just staring at him and me.

A poem for my sons birth mama.

     I thought of you today as I always do. 

     Theres something about his birthday,

      That always makes me think of you.

     I wonder if you thought of him

   and wondered how He  spent the day.

  My prayer is that you know that your baby boy is ok.

We celebrated big time as we do each year on this day.

And im happy to inform you that your boy is more than just ok.

Your precious little bundle is such a big boy now.

And its a understatement to say he makes his daddy and I so proud. 

Your selfless decision is on my mind alot.

Because with one choice you made, you have overjoyed my heart.

See we tried for 7 long years to start a family of our own

But turns out that wasnt Gods plan 

cause he knew your little boy  was gonna need a home.

Nothing is a surprise to God 

He knew it from the start, even when He was growing in your belly

God knew he'd steal my heart.

And so He guided you to make a choice so hard.

And because of your decision you gave joy back to my heart.

That family we wanted is now a reality.

And so today we celebrated with five candles on the cake. 

And my prayer is that you, are  doing ok today.

I hope God fills you with peace 

and reassures your heart. 

Your little boy is treasured and he overwhelms my heart. 

Because of your decision you made my dreams come true.

And dont think your forgotten. 

Cause I think of you alot.

That little boy I love so much

Your the reason he overwhelms my heart. 

You gave him life

Ill always know that is  true 

And because you put him first

You made my dreams come true.

Goodbye 4, Hello 5!

How oh How is my baby about to turn 5!!!!! It seems like yesterday we received a picture of the most adorable two year old and prayed and prayed and asked God is this him?? Is this our son??

   Obviously the answer was yes!!! We couldnt wait to bring you home and love you forever!!! 

We spent one last birthday without you, and it was hard and sad. We did our best to celebrate you anyway even though you were still far far away.

And guess what birthday number 4 rolled around and we were together and we celebrated BIG time!!!

 And tomorrow we will celebrate birthday number 5!!!!  I cannot believe all that has happen this year!! From more first words to a scary hospital stay. You have changed, you have grown, and you have certainly blossomed into a spunky, mischievous, joyful boy and we could not be prouder of you!!!

Goodbye 4, Hello 5!!!

 Clap your hands if your ready for another awesome year!!

Beauty for Ashes

Most everyone knows my story because I certainly havent kept it quiet. Some think I share too much, but if my story can help one person then I feel it was all worth being open and honest about. So once again here goes.

For 7 years I begged God for a baby. I was sad, I was mad, I sobbed, I lashed out, you name any emotion and I promise you at one time or another I was there. I spent more time than I wanna mention being so mad at God. I was furious. I couldnt wrap my mind around why a loving God would not give me the one thing I wanted so desperately. Was I being punished for my past?? I spent a whole lot of time thinking that. I must admit I thought if I just prayed harder. If I only read the bible more. The truth was God had a different plan for me to become a mother, but first I had alot of growing to do. He was working on making me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and eventually a better mother. I still dont fully understand why God hadnt laid adoption on our hearts right after we got married. I dont see why we had to spend so much time suffering through infertility, but what I do know is were better parents for it. No matter how hard that is to admit.  All I know is it was 7 years of complete struggle before we felt a tug at our hearts for adoption.  When I say complete struggle I mean I literally grieved every month as if I had lost someone, and yet I was grieving the fact that there was never anyone to lose.

 In 2014 things began to change. I got deeper in the word, I got stronger in the faith and its then that I said ok I give up. I give up the 7 year struggle of trying so desperately to do things on my own. I surrendered my life to God and I said something I never ever dreamed I would ever say " God, if its not your plan for me to be a mother thats ok, I'll be ok." It took 7 years to get to that point, and once I got there everything changed.  I often wonder if I had come to that place sooner what would have happened, but I know all things happen for a reason so I push those thoughts aside. Adoption began to be on our minds continuously in 2014.  In April 2014 we stepped forward amist the doubt and fear we said ok. We surrendered to God and stepped out in faith to find and bring home our child.  God made it clear from the beginning that international adoption was the way we should go. It was so scary. Especially when we were met with less than thrilled reactions, however we knew what God was saying and we did not wavier.  Again I whole heartedly believe it was our 7 years of struggle that made us so strong and faithful. I cant talk about the bad reactions without also talking about the good. Mostly the excited and good came from those who knew first hand the beauty that comes from adoption. We are so thankful for the support and happiness from all those individuals.  We started the homestudy process and it was difficult to say the least. During this time we were praying about what Country to adopt from. It wasnt long before we both knew God was calling us to adopt from Hong Kong, China. So we let our agency know and it was then that we were told it was a special needs only program. Up until that point we had been cruising along and its then that we slammed on the brakes. The we cants began. We dont know anything about it, we wouldnt know how to parent a " special" child. We just cant.  And yet we both knew God had called us to Hong Kong so we prayed and prayed and as much as we wanted to turn back we kept going. We put one foot in front of the other even when our heads begged us to go the opposite direction.  And eventually that long hard road with all the road blocks and unexpected detours led us to our son.

     And isnt it amazing how God doesnt call the qualified but he qualifies the called. Let me assure you thats exactly what He did for us.

In October 2014 Not long after we we told Hong Kong is a special needs only program I began a new job. It was no big deal I saw it in the paper and applied. It all worked out by chance. I had no idea that I was about to discover Gods hand prints all over this and it was in no way by chance that I applied for "just a job in the paper". In october 2014 I began my job at Tri County Center where I work with adults with intellectual disabilities.  It was yet another way God helped me grow along the way.  It wasnt long before those I cants turned into we wills. We were still filled with fear and I can promise you that even in this very moment with my little love being home almost 20 months I cannot make it through a day without Jesus. I am still often filled with fear and doubt and even if some days those I cants try to sneak in I know that I will because I would walk through fire for my child. I can now see the hard road that led us to him even when it was the road of infertility was used to qualify us.  Every moment was to help us grow into the parents who this sweet boy would need, and even  in those first 7 years when I didnt feel God very near I now can look back and see his fingerprints on every single day.

I can parent a child with Down syndrome. I can take a deep breath and hold the king of kings hand through all those tough moments in life because he qualified me. Maybe your deep in the infertility struggle or maybe its some other dark place your in, wherever you are right now maybe this season of struggle is refining you. Maybe God is helping you grow into someone your gonna need yourself to be in the future. Maybe, just maybe God is working on qualifying you for something great. Thats what He did for me. It was a difficult road, but a road I would choose again because it made me ready to be my sons mama. He needed a mama who had some scars so she would truly appreciate the beauty that came after the ashes.

All about Connors health

   Hey guys I get asked alot about Connors health so I decided to spill the beans about everything here.

   Connor sees three specialist. Pulmonologist ( Lung doctor), Ent ( Ear, Nose, and throat doctor), and we recently added a Ophthalmologist ( Eye doctor). 

Connor sees his Pulmonologist every 3 months. Connors has scarring in his right lung. It can be from one of two things, possibly at some point he aspirated on food, or when he has pneumonia some mucus was in his lung so long that it left permanent damage. We are hopeful that when he is older and has grown more that we wont have to be as concerned and watch it so closely. Connor is on a medication called budesonide which is a steroid he takes twice daily by breathing treatments. He started on it not long after his hospital stay with pneumonia and it has helped tremendously. We have even been able to cut it back to once a day this summer, however we will probably have to go back to twice a day during the winter months. This medication keeps his lungs strong and prevents any problems however if he is already sick this medicine wont do much to improve anything. Its merely a preventative. When Connor gets a cold it is crucial that we immediately began albuterol. He takes this medication on a as needed basis. If I hear any rattling or cough he takes it every 4 to 6 hours until he is no longer sick. This is also taken as a breathing treatment.  Connor also has asthma so he has a emergency inhaler that we carry with us. He has never had an attack with us and we are very thankful!!!  Connor is a trooper for his breathing treatments and the worst part is having to be still for the 5-10 minutes that they take. 

Connor began seeing a ENT after having a ear infection for over 12 weeks back to back. Connor had tubes put in his ears in January (2017) and since then has had no trouble. He had lots on fluid on his ears and was likely hearing like he was under water.  Connor was keeping constant colds and getting tubes in his ears helped with that tremendously as well. Connor had a hearing test after getting tubes, but would not comply for the test so he had a ABR hearing test done. ABR stands for Auditory Brainstem Response. In my own words he was put to sleep and hooked up to machines sounds were played and they could tell if and when he could hear them due to his brain activity. We were thrilled to learn that Connor hears fine. Connor gets extremely impacted ears due to too much wax being produced. There is nothing we can do about this, but let his ent clean them out often. They use a metal  scalpel and dig out the wax. Connor goes to the ENT every 6 months for this and to have his tubes checked.   This is Connor immediately after his (ear) tube surgery. 

Connor recently went to the Ophthalmologist ( Eye doctor).  We were thrilled to learn that they think his actual vision is good.  Connor has nystagmus ( which was suspected even from the orphanage.)  Nystagmus is when the eyes involuntarily move. In Connors case they jerk back and forth horizontally. His case is mild and nothing can be done for it. Connors right eye turns in  when he looks at things. We had never noticed the left eye doing this until the eye doctor covered the right eye and immediately the left eye turned in. The verdict is his eye muscles are  very weak. This may not seem like a huge deal except when this happens he sees two different images. What happens is his brain learns to ignore one eye so that he is not seeing double imagines. The problem is if we do not correct this eventually his brain will learn to always ignore the one eye. So we patch Connors eyes for two hours a day alternating eyes each day. The hope is that this will strengthen his eye muscles. We go back to the eye doctor in October to see if its working. If it hasnt worked we will discuss surgery. If it is working we will probably patch for a few more months and see if they continue strengthening. I really thought Connor would throw a fit over patching in the beginning, but this boy continues to amaze me!!! The very first time I put the patch on he laughed and played like nothing was up and has never tried to take the patch off.   This is a picture of how his eye turns in. He was making a face at me so he does not normally hold his head at a angle to look at things he just happens to be doing that here.

 First time patching and hes all smiles!!!

 We are also watching Connors weight. He weighed 22 pounds when he came home. He gained up to 25 and has stayed at the 25/26 mark for a year and a half now. While he has grew alot taller he has not gained any weight.  Since he eats ALOT this is a concern even with him being so active. We will go back to his pediatrician in 6 months to see if he has gained any. If he hasnt we will begin running test and trying to determine the cause. As much as I love him being my little baby It breaks my heart to see all his ribs and bones. He is  drinking lots of ensure and  we are hoping it will help. 

   Compared to where we were at this time last year Connor is doing wonderful healthwise. Since most of his sickness came in the fall/ winter time we are anxious to see what this year will be like. We are hopeful that it will be a much better year this year. Connor is a tough boy and he is so brave for all medical test and procedures. He has had more things thrown hes way than some do in a lifetime and yet he is always smiling and showing the world that we have so much to be joyful about.

I don't want a world without Down syndrome.

   I have been quiet after the CBS news report about Iceland eradicating Down syndrome through abortion. Not because I havent had plenty to say but because I really dont wanna lash out and speak without thought behind it. First off let me say I'm not linking the story here as I normally do, because to be honest I dont want it on my post. I dont want to see it again, I dont want to give it the time of day, ( and yet here I am writing about it I know.) If you dont know trust me you can google it and will find all you want to know correct and incorrect im sure. What I will say in Icelands defense is I know not everyone there feels that way. I saw a post in a Down Syndrome parent  group im in a few days ago and lets be honest folks were lashing out because our kids mean everything to us whether they have a extra chromosome or not and emotions will always run wild when you feel someone is questioning your childs worth to be living. Anyway someone from Iceland commented! You can imagine how difficult it must be when its your home getting all the hate when you have a child with Down Syndrome ( I assume thats why they were in the group.) She simply stated please keep in mind that everyone in Iceland doesnt feel this way. WOW! That got my mind reeling because they were right. How many things does the USA do that I dont agree with, or TN. Too many to count. So please keep that in mind when speaking about this enraging situation. Its not everyone in Iceland. We shouldnt be mad at then as a whole although thats the easiest thing to do because we need to place all that anger and blame somewhere and we have no way of knowing who is for and who is against it.

   Another thing to keep in mind is our very own USAs numbers are not far behind them. This is sickening, this breaks my heart. I have so many raging emotions about it all, But instead of giving those who think this way my rage and mean words like I want to do so badly. Ill just tell you about Connor and why  he is worthy of life!!


 To begin let me say that if you dont know me personally my son is adopted. We brought Connor home from Hong Kong in January 2016. Now I know what your thinking wow she chose this life. Wow she picked him because she wanted a child with Down syndrome.

The answer is No. We did not choose to parent a child with Down syndrome. About 8 months into our adoption journey we were sent info about a child waiting to be adopted. We had already filled out paperwork saying we were not open to Down syndrome. So you can imagine our surprise when we opened a childs file who has Down syndrome. Our case worker got a file of a little boy who had just had his file shared with our agency. So she sent it to us before it was sent out to other agencies. He was adorable and I studied his almond shaped eyes and protruding tongue carefully, and although he was a absolute doll I didnt feel he was our child. I knew he was gonna make a family very happy, but we werent that family. Thats the thing with adoption. You cant run off emotion. You need to step back and think and evaluate. This boy was incredible I had no doubt, but I just wasnt sure he was meant to be my child. However we let our case worker know we would pray about it. Our Case worker immediately replied by saying theres another little boy. He has been waiting a very long time and no one has stepped forward to pursue adopting him, would you like to see his file. At this point we were still thinking why were not open to Down syndrome, however we both said what would it hurt so we said yes send the file. Whats the worst that can happen. We will have another little face in mind to specifically pray for. We opened the file minutes later. I cannot explain to you the awe when we opened the file to see those familiar eyes looking back at us. We had saw this boy before on the waiting list. We had ohhed  and ahhed  over his pictures. I even remember one day saying oh Jeremy look they put up a new picture of Thaddeus!! We had been praying for him. We wanted him to find his family, but never once had we considered we were his family. Why??? Because he has Down syndrome.  However something changed the day I saw his face when I opened his file. I know it makes no sense because I had saw his picture countless times before, but that day I felt like I was looking at my son.  You obviously know how the story turned out since as I said earlier Connor Thaddeus came home in January 2016.

The point im trying to make is just as if we had been pregnant and got the testing done  and it came back positive for DS we were scared. We didnt wanna picture a life with a child who is as the world would say " different."  We were filled with the how can this be. He cant be ours.  But guess what we saw a picture and we saw love. We saw a person. We saw a life worthy of living, and I promise even if your looking down at a sonogram of your child and just been told they more than likely have DS,  your looking at a life thats worthy of living. Even though its scary, even though it wont always be a easy road. You'll find love, joy, and peace in those almond shaped eye. Your probably already thought my life will never be the same and your right! Because your life will be better. Youll probably begin to worry what they'll be able to learn and how hard it may be to teach them new things, but let me assure you they will teach you so much about life. I know its scary, but youll look back and realize Down syndrome is not scary at all. You'll look back and feel guilty that you didnt choose this life in the first place. Thats what I want people in Iceland to know. Thats what I want people everywhere to know.

Having a child with Down syndrome is the best thing that ever happen to me. Connor has taught me some of the most valuable lessons in life. He has made me grow into a far better person than I was before. He has changed the way I see the world. He has taught me more about love, joy, and patience than I learned on my own in the 26 years before I had him in my life.

Thats my message to Iceland. Thats my message to those around the world. Those with Down syndrome have so much to offer, they have so much to teach us and Thats why I dont want a world without Down syndrome.

My #1 Confession as a Down Syndrome Mama

   Parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Add special needs into that mix and its not only at times terrifying, but its a whole new dimension of tough.Of course with Connor being my first child I dont have the comparison with his siblings so in ways I feel that helps my sanity. However I'd be lying if I told you I haven't compared him to other 4 year olds. Lets face it were humans, we overanalyze everything, we cant help ourselves. Of course there is a ting of pain when I watch other children my childs age as they have full on conversations, as they run circles around him, as they seem not even in the same comparison realm. Oh yes and then there is comparing him to much younger children and seeing all the ways he is not even there yet. Its so so so tough. Its so so so heartbreaking, and while this may seem to you a horrible horrible thing to admit as his mother, Its the real truth.

Dont get me wrong I love love love my guy. Like with a unfathomably love, but I can pick out all the delays. I get them shoved in my face daily when I see all the ways he just isnt there quite yet. When I find myself feeling those tings of pain, I remind myself that he is exactly where he is suppose to be at this moment. In this point in time God has him here. Its not from lack of trying I assure you that, my boy is many things but one thing I think anyone who knows him will agree with me on is he is determined, ( when he wants to be of course;) I watch him try, I watch him succeed, I watch him fail. Sometimes I help and Sometimes I sit back and let him give it a whirl on his own. Oh yes its sometimes a sloppy job, but he is trying, he is doing it.

And thats where most of my mom worries come in. How am I suppose to treat him???   Do I push him to be the 4 year old he is. Do I treat him as though the 18-24 month old he is intellectually?? The answer isnt simple. Its so very complex.

I cant tell him to use his words and expect a full on sentence. I cant tell him to go make himself a sandwich, or go lock the back door. I cant expect the typical 4 year old things to be done 100% correctly.

And in the same breath I'll say I try very hard to not treat him like a baby. I have to remind myself daily that he is indeed 4 years old. I do not need to do everything for him, I can ask him to do simple task even when it would be faster and much easy to do those task for him. I can ask him to try to say things before just taking "Uhh Uhh' and pointing as his way of responding to everything.

Its the absolute hardest balancing act of my life. Determining when to step in and when to allow him time and space to try. What good am I doing if I race in and do everything for him?? What am I setting up our future to be like if I dont allow him the space to try for himself??

So do I treat him like a 24 month old or a 4 year old?? I have no answer to this. But what I do know is....

 I expect him to share. I expect him to listen and not act out. I expect him to not yell at others. I expect him to be kind. I expect him to use gentle hands.

I am tough on him. Too tough to some and yet too helpful to some. I am learning to balance. I dont have all the answers. I dont know if im doing things right. I dont know how im suppose to treat him.

But I do know im suppose to love him right where hes at and that my friends is something I wont stop striving to do. I help, I wait, I step in, I watch. Am I right?? Am I wrong??  Who knows, I definitely dont 99% of the time, but what I do know is I love him like im suppose to. Even when im overwhelmed. Even when I feel the weight of the stares and unsatisfied looks from others. I know that I try daily to remind myself that for whatever reason God has him exactly where hes at. He is right where he is suppose to be, no matter what the world says. I know that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. He is smart, he is courageous, he is determind, he is a million other wonderful things and I treat him like a perfect little boy who is growing up in a very difficult world, who has had many setbacks and unfair things happen in his life, but always finds a way to rise above them all. I treat him like the person he is. I treat him like he is right on track because I wholeheartedly believe he is.

Its my daily prayer that God would help me to raise him to be the incredible human being God created him to be. To be the person God wants him to be. Not what I want our future to look like, but the future God has planned for us. Gods ways are always higher, His ways are always good and my hope is that when my life is over God will tell me " You did good, Mama. You didnt have all the answers, you didnt always do things right, but you listened and prayed and persevered and because of your faithfulness you raised him to be exactly who I created him to be." 

Happy Adoption Day, Connor!!!

One year ago we stood before a judge with our right hands in the air and promised to Love, Protect, and provide for you forever. You were then declared Connor Thaddeus Malone. No one will know the depth of what that day meant to your daddy and I. No one, unless a adoptive parent their selves, will know that moment was equivalent to the birth of a biological child. That moment when you hear its a boy, or girl, that moment they lay this beautiful soul on your chest and you cant believe your eyes and you wonder what you ever did to deserve this one so small. All the worry and stress leaves and you are left staring at someone who is all yours. Someone you love with a unbelievably powerful love.

This photo was snapped just minutes after that life changing moment. I remember getting ready that morning as you played in the floor oblivious to the life changing day this would be. I remember being filled with nerves and yet I felt that this was a day I had waited for my entire life. I felt many emotions, but what I felt above all else was ready.

I was ready to change your last name to ours.
I was ready to make a promise I knew I could always keep.
I was ready to finally, after six months of hiding you, to show your sweet face to the world.
I was ready to announce that you were legally our son.
I was ready to never have to worry again about you being taken from us.
I was ready, after 8 years of praying and waiting to see my name listed under mother on a birth certificate.
I felt so many emotions standing before the judge that day, but I was ready.

Happy Adoption Day, Connor!!!!

Confessions from a Supermom

#1 Im not a super mom. As a matter of fact most days I struggle to be a descent mom. Its a daily push and climb to be  a good mom, little on a super one.

#2 If love alone makes you a super mom then I'd win. I love my kid more than life itself.

#3 I may pretend to have it all together but I assure you I definitely DON'T, not even close.

#4 I'm still learning daily. Like literally I learn new stuff everyday.

#5 You can call me many things but a push over is not one of them. I discipline the way I see fit, I am tough, I expect my child to be kind and considerate. I wont accept less.

#6 I make mistakes I dont even try to pretend to act like I think im always right, because im probably not alot of the time.

#7 I need Jesus, like every second of everyday!!!

#8 I'm 100% guilty of losing myself. Everything is about and for my kid. I need to work on this, I need to convince myself that I can be a good mom and not lose myself in the process.

#9 I'd love to give my child a sibling, and yet the thought of having another scares me to death.

#10 I worry daily that im messing up, that somehow my mistakes will shape him into someone I dont want him to be.

 These are my Confessions,  More to come later......

Adoption from my sons perspective....

    This post is emotional for me to write because all we wanna think about adoption is the love and happiness side and while let me assure you it has brought us abundant love and happiness I cannot lie and say that adoption comes without a cost. On our side is nothing but love and happiness, but if im honest from my childs perspective adoption has another side.

Adoption is loss.

  The fact that my son needed to be adopted means he has experienced great loss.  Let me first say that my sons biological mother named him at birth. His birth name means " Gift from Heaven" She chose that specifically so ill let you guess how she felt about her child.  Oh the unspeakable loss she must experience still from one of the most selfless decisions she will probably ever make. She chose more for him. More than she knew she could give and although he doesnt remember he experienced that loss. He knows im mama and I know he loves me and knows that I love him, and still I know he loss the chance to have a mama who has his eyes, who has his smile. That was his first loss.

   Then he experienced loss the day we came. He left the only home he ever knew. The day he left the orphanage with us I have no doubt was one of the most traumatic experiences of his life.  He lost it all. His home, his family. And although we knew he now had a home and a family he didnt understand any of it. We were strangers who took him from those he loved the most. It breaks my heart to think that is what his little mind must have thought in the beginning.

The day we left the orphanage Connor said goodbye to everything. They have a ritual where you go around and say goodbye to the playroom, the playground, the bathroom, and finally the bedroom and your bed. I will never ever forget what it felt like to experience this I will never forget letting the tears slid down my face and how I was swept over with this overwhelming heartbreak for the pain and loss that he would experience in the days to follow. When we got to his bed, Connor waved goodbye and my heart broke into a million pieces and all I could think is, this is the place he laid when I was crying out to God for a child and God saw him. This is where he was sleeping all those nights I got on my knees by his crib and prayed for his safety. All those nights I looked up at the stars and wondered if he was hungry, I wondered if he was loved, He was sleeping soundly in this very spot tucked in safely with a full belly and those who loved him very much near by.  I dont even have the words to explain it all but there is just something that happened in my heart the moment he waved goodbye to his bed.

Connor came home....

 Scared

Overwhelmed

Confused 

And Sad.

  We dont like to admit that part. We dont like to talk about it, but its the truth. He was scared, overwhelmed, confused, sad, and in his mind alone. Everyone he knew, everyone he loved ,everything familiar was all of a sudden gone. That is loss, that is pain.

And yet even from our deepest sorrow God can bring beauty from the ashes. We played, we danced, we laughed and I cant tell you exactly when it happened, but one day I realized the sadness in his eyes was gone.

   One night after being home only a few weeks Connor reach over while watching cartoons and took my hand. And in the moment I knew he understood. I knew that even though he was missing those he loved very much he realized I was mama and even though I know he still felt confused, and overwhelmed, and was still at times very sad, he finally realized with me he is safe.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Adoption is love. Adoption is happiness. Adoption is also loss, pain, and grief. Even if you get your happily ever after. 

I will not take someone elses Connor,

Time to answer the million dollar question.  Do you want to adopt another child/ will you adopt more??


You have no idea how often I am asked this and I totally understand why. I dont mind one bit answering this question or any question about our family, Connor, Adoption, or Down Syndrome. So please keep asking away:)

Do I want to adopt more?? Will We adopt more??

    The answer to that question is simple and yet so complicated. I 100% want to adopt another child!!!! If it were up to me I would be elbow deep in paperwork, working vigorously to bring home our second child.

  However at the same time the answer is also no.

This is confusing I know so let me explain.  Adoption is hard, simple, frustrating, happy, heartbreaking, and yet so joyous. So I will not enter into it lightly as we didnt with Connors Adoption. It should be entered into with much  prayer and decisiveness.

This is exactly why my answer is no and yet 1000 times over yes.

I want want want to adopt another child like yesterday. However I know this is my answer not Gods. I do not feel God calling us to do so at this time and so this is where my answer no comes in.

We could enter into the adoption process, we could bring home another child. We could love them with a love so fierce just as we do Connor. After all its Gods plan for  all Orphans to find a home right??

And your right and yet still I would say no until I hear Gods voice. But how Can Gods voice not be saying yes and that my friends is where it gets oh so tricky.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

There we have it. 

What if we enter into the adoption process without a clear yes from God. What if we bring home a beautiful soul that  needed a family. Would they have a good life? Yes. Would they be loved beyond belief?? Yes. Would we be a happy family of four? Yes. I see where you could say well whats the hold up then?? And the hold up is one more question the sums it all up and goes right along with Jeremiah 29:11

What if we take someone elses Connor???

  If we adopt another child without a clear yes from God. If we move forward without hearing his voice we might be changing his plan for that child. We might be taking someone elses Connor.

 I can promise you from our ENTIRE family we do not want to even think about what life would be like without Connor. I remember well how it felt to have empty arms after 7 years of praying for a child. So I cannot fathom the thought of being the reason someone elses arms are still empty. If God has a plan for each child and we interfere with that plan we would be taking a child from another family. We would be taking another families endless joy. He or She I have no doubt would fit perfectly in our family photos but maybe we would be taking a precious face right out of someone elses family photo.

So this is why my answer is no. Maybe its not a definite no, maybe its a not right now. Only God knows the answer to that. But one things for sure I will not take someone elses joy away. I will not void their family photos of a very important member. I will not take someone elses Connor. 

Stand Still and let God move. 

We are listening and waiting for Gods Jeremiah 29:11 for us.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Urgent Prayer Request !!!

       Chances are if your not a adoptive parent, or "China Mama" as many of us are called ( Mamas who adopted from China) you dont know that last week China released a new list of requirements for adoptive families.
 Click here to read requirements  --->   https://hic2.egnyte.com/dd/bWg6opzJIv/

Maybe your wondering why im sharing this so let me explain. You may not realize but there are families who already were matched, they carried around photos of a child they were certain was theirs. A child even though they hadnt met face to face a child they love. A child who belonged. A child who had a family anxiously awaiting the day they could see them face to face. Im told the China government is reviewing each of these files case by case, but I have already heard of countless families who were told no they could not move forward to adopt their child.

I say their child because I remember how I felt once I had a picture of Connor. I remember how even though I knew nothing about motherhood I still felt like his mother. I remember how much I longed to bring him home, to begin our life together. What I remember most is how he already belonged. He had a room ready for him, he had toys, he had clothing.

There are families who are looking at a room that will not be filled with that precious child they have studied in pictures. A beautiful soul that no longer belongs, but not because they dont long for them too. Hearts are ripped open, wounds that cut so deep. And the reason Im telling you is I desperately want you to help me pray for them. Although I want you to pray for all orphans around the world and all families in the adoption process I am specifically asking you to lift up these families. The families who thought they had it all figured out, the families who love a child very much that can never be theres. Families who are still waiting to find out a answer to whether they can move forward or not. Please please help me pray..

This is the first photo we ever saw of Connor.

    I remember how we studied his sweet face. I remember how we poured prayer over him. I remember introducing him to family members. I carried this photo in my purse, in my car, and on our refrigerator. I loved him deeply. And while Hong Kong has its own separate government so these requirements would not have applied nor do they apply to Hong Kong now I still feel the sting for families who were exactly where  I was. Only to have their happily ever after slip through their fingers.  And this is why I am affected so deeply by requirements that wouldnt even have applied to my childs adoption and yet I feel slight panic in knowing they were right where I was. They need our prayers, and my hope is you will join me in praying for the children and families who are so deeply affected by these new requirements.  Families who are in limbo, families who have already received the news that they are indeed not families after all. They need us desperately, will you be there for them??

Press Forward Anyway...

  This post goes out to anyone in a uncertain situation. Your scared, your uncertain, the odds probably seem stacked against you and you see no way to proceed ahead. Let me tell you I know, I get it. Maybe I dont get your specific situation, but I know what its like to feel all the things I just listed. And its hard, and scary, and overwhelming. I've been there.

   When we felt God calling us to adopt I saw no way that it was going to work. We had zero money saved. ZERO! We lived paycheck to paycheck. We couldnt see a light at the end of the tunnel. We couldnt see how it could possibly all work. International Adoption is so so so expensive!!! And on top of that everyone thought we were crazy! I mean EVERYONE!!! We had a few exceptions, but for the most part when we told people our happy news we were met with opinions, oh so many opinions.  "You should foster", "You know there are children here".  I could go on and on, but you get my point. It was not only difficult to hear but it was very very disappointing. The truth is we had awhile to digest it all. When we surrendered and said Ok God we have no idea how this is gonna work, but you know the plans you have for us and we will follow you the excitement begin to set in. After all the years of praying and tears we were gonna have a BABY!!! And when we told person after person and werent met with that same excitement it was devastating.  The point I am trying to make is. Its ok. Its ok if no one gets it. Its ok if you get a less than thrilled reaction to something you feel so passionately about. Press forward anyway.

Then Came the diagnosis. 

Down Syndrome???

What??

"Can you handle that??" "Why??"  " Are you sure about that?"  We heard all these statements and so much more. Trust me we get it!! We had asked ourselves all the same things. We were so unsure. We were filled with fear. We couldnt see what the future would look like and it was very scary. So if thats where you are today in your situation, Press forward anyway. 

The waiting.

" How much longer?' " What takes so long?" 

Trust me we waited 7 and 1/2 years before we even started the adoption process we wanted to know what took so long as well. Why did we have to wait so long. Why couldnt it come to us easily??

If your waiting on something you want so badly dont give up. When the end seems no where in sight press forward anyway.

Cause one day the fear will wash away, other opinions wont affect you anymore, the waiting will cease, and EVERYTHING WILL ALL MAKE SENSE!

Connors adoption cost $20,000 when it was time for each payment God provided to the penny. From the first piece of paperwork to meeting him face to face was exactly 21 months. It was a long wait, but Gods timing was so perfect. And guess what Down Syndrome isnt scary at all. Seriously its not. 

So If God is calling you to do something that seems oh so impossible...PRESS FORWARD ANYWAY. 

Everything I thought I knew Changed....

   I know what you think about Orphanages, I had always thought the same thing. That they were WAY overcrowded that the children weren't living  in the best conditions, that they didnt really know love.

And while let me say that is probably true about a majority of orphanages and dont get me wrong I am not speaking for all of them, but where Connor was was not like that. 

I remember the day I found out my sweet boy was living in a orphanage up until that point I thought he was still in foster care. I remember how  I sobbed until it literally hurt. I remember how I ached to get to him so I could show him what real love really was. So I could scoop him out of the horrible state he was in and show him what it was like to have a family, to have a home.

Then I arrived at Mothers Choice Orphanage and everything changed.  All those worries and fears were erased and I saw that my son had a family long before his daddy and I arrived. He was taken excellent care of, was given therapy daily, and was living at home, and  that sweet boy that I was so worried about knew love every single day of his life!

I cannot put into words what our time was like in the short week we spent with them at Mothers Choice, but I can tell you that it changed me. That I made lifelong friends and that my opinion of orphanages has changed. Because you should never judge a book by its cover. 

Here are some photos the workers gave to us from Connors time with them. You can see his happiness and you can feel the love. I am eternally grateful for each person who poured their love, time, and patience into my son. Without them I would be raising a entirely different boy today. His birth Mother gave him life, but they helped him live and I only hope that I can continue giving him as beautiful a life as they did. 

Chair that helped him learn to stand 

First time Standing

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Learning to bare his weight on his arms