Jet lag didn't matter.

I'm exhausted like literally to the point of feeling sick. It's unlike anything I have every experienced this horrible thing called jet lag but today none of that mattered.

   From the moment I saw him everything else faded. I don't even have words that can do justice to describe it but my heart literally walks around outside my body now. This is love on a whole new level. Of course I may be bias but he is the absolute cutest thing I have ever seen and I cannot wait to bring him home so I can prove that statement is completely true.
   Continue to pray for our attachment and his caregiver who has been with him every single day for two years. Also for all the workers as they all are attached and love him very much.

Whirlwind

It's hasn't even sunk in that we will be meeting our son tomorrow. I've prepared, planned, and dreamed of this day for 21 months, there were times I felt it would never come. It always seemed like so far out in the future and then bam were in Hong Kong. We were walking down the streets of Hong Kong today just exploring and I looked over at Jeremy and said are we really here, is this really happening?? We were matched with Connor in July so for 6 months we begged God to bring him home. We prayed over him specifically daily. Yet somehow getting to this step seemed to come so fast. I feel like we're in a whirlwind and I'm just trying to catch up. I'm sure I will look back at this one day and laugh at the sleep deprived crazy lady who was speaking. This time difference really is whipping my butt and maybe it's also being in a different country which is a whole new experience for me. I'm not sure but everything now seems to be on fast forward and I can't catch up.
    However we love Hong Kong and had a great first day, we look forward to things slowing down a bit. If that's even possible with a toddler. It just hasn't hit me yet that our sweet boy will be going home with us. I have envisioned it a million times and yet now that it's here I can't fathom it. I am thrilled and beyond excited and yet my body feels so tired and exhausted that I don't feel much emotion at all. It's such a crazy thing. Anyway ask me tomorrow how not feeling any emotion went, (because I know when I see that little face I will be overcome with emotion:))

Hong Kong zoological center and botanical gardens.

We had a blast today at the Hong Kong zoological center and botanical gardens. It is right outside our hotel and had lots of animals and even a playground. Definitely somewhere we want to go back to before we leave and hopefully we can take Connor.

Hello Hong Kong

It's 5:30am Hong Kong time and we have been awake since 3am this 13 hour time difference is killer! I'm sure we will get use to it about the time for us to come home. I wanna write about everything now because once I meet him I know all focus will change and I'll forget all the tiny details about our trip here because nothing else will matter but him! So here goes.
We flew to Dallas Ft Worth Texas it was around a 3 hour flight it was pretty uneventful. Next we flew from Texas to Hong Kong a whooping 17 hour flight! However our awesome pilot got us there in 16. It was rough! The people around us were so nice but man we were in the middle row which is 4 seats and we were in the middle two. You could not even move! This is not a fat joke, everyone was average size and it was awful! Oh man I never wanna have a straight flight like that again. Again don't get me wrong the actual flight was great didn't hit much turbulence and the stewardious were awesome. We were served lunch and dinner and two snacks. That part was great!! We however are very very thankful that on the way home we have a extra layover and our longest flight will be 11 hours , still gonna be rough with a toddler but were grateful its not 17 hours!!! Our hotel is very nice and very close to the orphanage.  We are a lot less nervous now that we're here and settled, now we're just super anxious to meet our little guy. We will meet him tomorrow morning. We have visits with his therapist and caregivers throughout the week so we can learn as much as we can about him. Please pray that we will soak in all the info and get up to date on everything cause its gonna go super fast.
  Some of you know I have been sick. My cough started on the long plane ride of course and I literally coughed the whole time! Please pray that I could get well and that Connor will not get sick.
Please pray for our first meeting with Connor. Pray for it to go well and that we can form attachment quickly.
I will definitely keep everyone updated!

This is literally the size of our room and its the deluxe room.

View from our room (been up over 24 hours)

Give us a week.

Adoption is hard. We see our side and know first hand the difficulties we have faced but think about the child. These strangers come in and take you away from everyone you love the most , and although we know he is in an orphanage to him it is home. Then we get on a crowded airplane and his ears hurts and  he is tired. I feel overwhelmed for him. We want our family  and friends to be there for one of the most important and specials days of our lives, when we carry our son into a airport and we are home together at last. However after the airport party we are taking a one week break. Attachment is hard and very complicated. We need to bond with him and form some attachment before introducing others. Please know that we aren't being selfish, we want you to meet him. This time is needed its not just us being silly. It's extremely important. It will be difficult I know but we ask that we be given our one week break. Our guy is very shy and we know that this will be so important and we promise when we are ready for visitors we will call. We are not trying to keep him away , were just trying to settle our little family first. Give us a week break, if not for us do it for him.

Wake me up I'm dreaming

I almost feel numb. Seriously it's like your on such a overwhelming high that it spills over into just feeling numb so your body can cope with all the adrenaline. I just cannot believe that we are leaving for Hong Kong this week! I cannot believe that when we come back Connor will be with us!!! After 21 months on this adoption Journey the end is in sight, and after praying for a baby for 8 years its finally my time. I honestly feel like I'm dreaming. Like any moment I'll wake up and none of this will be real. But it is real because we clung to Gods promises and never let go. We knew in His time we would have a little blessing and His time has come. Mama and Daddy are coming for you very soon Connor.

Holding you one year later....

Well you wont get an update about week 10 because week 9 was our week. WE HAVE HCO!!!! Meaning we can go get our boy!!!! Words could never express our excitement or relief.

God has walked with us every step of this journey and we are humbled when we look back and see each mountain He moved for us.

We are leaving January 8th and will meet Connor January 11th. This date is so so special because January 11th, 2014 is the day we let ISS ( International Social Services) know that we wanted to move forward and pursue the adoption of a precious little boy we had come to know as Thaddeus.

On January 12, 2014 Sweet Thaddeus was put on "hold" for our family as they awaited our paperwork. I remember telling Jeremy months ago when we realized we would more than likely travel in January that my guess was January 12th. Because I just knew that I would hold my baby one year to the day He was put on " Hold" for us.


I guess my Mothers instinct has officially kicked in because I will be holding my sweet boy one year later.

Since we already had plans to go out of town for New Years  i am out of weekends so I have been a busy bee packing for one of the most important trips of our life!!!

I am thrilled to tell you Connor is officially packed and Mama and Daddy cannot wait to see him face to face.

Gods timing truly is perfect and I'm glad our perfect time is almost here!
Only 14 more days until I hold my baby boy.

A Christmas Surprise....

Week 9  ( of 8-10 week wait) is here!!!   We are thrilled to know soon we will hear news and have the most important travel dates of our lives.

But wait I need to tell you something that happened on week 6!!!! We received a update on December 8th. It was mainly things about Connor this time the notes came from one of his caregivers at the orphanage. It was awesome to hear more about his personality and likes and dislikes on simple everyday task, But we were shocked when along with the update were notes from AU (adoption unit in Hong Kong.) Saying that they anticipated that we would receive HCO ( Higher Court Order, travel comes 1-3 weeks after receiving HCO.)  before Christmas! The week of Christmas was week 8 ( of 8-10 week wait.) but we never expected it that soon due to the holiday and so many traveling and out of the office. Thats not all we were given expected travel dates!!!!! I cannot tell you the joy and excitement that filled me to finally see a date in front of me!! It made it so much more real and  all I could think is MY BABY IS ACTUALLY COMING HOME!!!!  

We were told to begin looking at tickets but not to buy until we received HCO confirmation and were given the go ahead. 

We chose not to tell and to surprise our parents for Christmas. Oh it was the longest two weeks ever and it was so hard to continue giving updates for weeks 7 and 8, but I knew I had to in order to keep our secret. 

So for Christmas we handed our parents a card and said this is from Connor. The front said Merry Christmas and the inside said I cant wait to meet you on January 15th, 

We secretly videoed the whole thing and it turned out so awesome and a memory we can always look back on and cherish.

Could these dates change???   Yes, sadly HCO did not come before Christmas so until its confirmed they could change.  We anticipate HCO to come this week and are very hopeful that that will keep us right on track to travel the week we were told. Either way Connor is coming home very soon and we are so thrilled to share that news with you.

Please continue to pray as we wait for more news. I will keep you updated I promise hehe.

I choose different

Connors not home this Christmas. Let that sink in.
It hurts.
I'll wake up Christmas morning and I will not go in his room and lift him out of his crib. I won't see those ten tiny fingers open gifts.
I won't see smiles or hear giggles as he is surrounded by his family who are showering him with gifts.
And yes it hurts.....a lot.
I could be sad and although I can't say there won't be any sadness,  i can say I choose different.
I choose happiness.
I will smile in knowing that next Christmas I will be standing in the ridiculously long line at the mall to see Santa. I will be watching his expression and take  a million pictures of him opening all his gifts. I will see him surrounded by his family and I will smile knowing God not only gave us this precious boy but I will let the bewilderment sink in that comes from knowing that because we followed Gods calling on our lives this precious soul has a family who will love him forever.
I will hold my head high this Christmas and will rejoice in knowing it will be our last one apart.
The emptiness and sadness wont win this year because I choose different this Christmas.

Soaking in these last moments...

  I know this is going to seem crazy and please know that after 20 months of being paper pregnant I more than likely am. I want Connor here more than anything. I cannot wait to see him steps away from me and for the moment I can wrap my arms around him for the first time. I cannot wait to spend saturday mornings watching cartoons and eating a granola bar while he plays around the living room and more than likely eats most of my breakfast. I just cant wait for the day to day things we so often take for granted, but dont think I have hit the mushy gushy train completely because I also cant wait for SLEEPOVERS at the grandparents. Yep you heard me correctly and I honestly cant believe it myself but im human and willing to admit I will need breaks. I will need a moment to catch my breath. Even though it seems I have had all the time in the world I somehow dont think anything can prepare you for the parenthood train, especially with a toddler that lets be honest in the first few weeks is practically a stranger. Obviously when I say sleepovers I mean eventually as he needs stability for the beginning months He is home. One of those things I want him to always have and grow accustom to is Mama and Daddy at night night time at his own house and in his own bed, but eventually it will be time and as bad as it hurts my heart it will be time. And I can pretend its all for him and his grandparents to spend time together and although that will be part of it, ill still know deep down its for Mama and Daddy to be able to have a conversation over a hot meal that WE actually get to eat all of. And for SLEEP that we miss so much. And as awesome as the break will be our hearts will miss him more than we ever thought possible and we will be counting down until we see his sweet face the next morning.


I said all that to say this. As much as I cannot wait and as much as I wish He were here 20 months ago. Im thankful for the time I got to spend just with Jeremy. Staying up late, watching tv in bed, going out to eat, just all of it. The day to day things that soon may still happen from time to time, but will still be very different. These last few weeks as much as we are anxious and cannot wait to add our little guy to our day to day life, we are soaking in these last moments of just the two of us that will be few and far between very soon.

                                              Cant wait to parent with the Love of my life!!

WEEK 8 IS HERE!!

    Well Well Well  finally here you are.....



WEEK 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( of our 8-10 week wait).



This week I am thankful!!!! So so thankful that soon this waiting game will be over.  That after 20 months the end is in sight and soon I will hold Connor in my arms and He will have a Mama and Daddy who love him very much!!!! Week 8,  I am overwhelmed and so anxious. I am thankful that God has given me the desire of my heart!!  

God can do ALOT in a year....

One day in December our agency sent us a childs file ( called a child study) of a beautiful little boy whose name on the waiting was Thaddeus. We smiled when we opened the file to see that sweet familiar face. We had saw him countless times on the waiting list and had prayed He would find a family. We never thought we were that family. However when I opened the file and saw his face once again I knew He was my little boy. Im not sure why it took that moment, but it did. Im thankful for a agency who believes in the power of prayer, a God who intercedes on our behalfs, and for the social worker who sent that email that day. 

One year later we are waiting to be given our travel dates so we can bring home Connor Thaddeus Malone.  What a mighty God we serve. 

If you would like to read more about how we saw our son on the waiting list and prayed he would find a family, and finally realized we WERE THAT FAMILY! click here

Week 7!!!!!-

It's week 7 (of 8-10 week wait)!!!!! We are so so so EXCITED! We have been getting things done and anxiously preparing to find out those precious travel dates. I have never been so ready for anything in my life. I am ready to look into those dark Brown eyes and run my fingers through that jet black hair, I am ready to meet my baby!

Week 6!!!

Have we really made it to week 6 already. Time is flying and on the other hand dragging by. We are thrilled that in two weeks We could find out when we will see our precious baby. We cannot wait to find out those travel dates and see how God brings everything together perfectly. Keep praying!!!

A sign that I can do both....

  Sometimes we ask God for a sign and its not the answer we expected or even wanted. Before I start let me reassure all those reading that I LOVE my job. Hectic and stressful at times but so many hugs and I love yous as well. With that being said let me begin.....

I always always always wanted to be a stay at home mom. When asked even in high school what I wanted to be or do with my life my answer was I want to be a mother.

So now my dreams are coming true and no matter how I tried to do the math it seemed that staying home with my little love was just a unrealistic dream.  Sure we could make it, but with no extra money. However I refused to believe such a thing and I prayed and prayed that God would send me a sign of what His plan was for me. Of course I just knew that it would all go in my favor.

All plans seemed to fall through and I just couldnt believe that this was it. I would have to give up my dream of spending every second with my baby boy. I would have to experience that first time of leaving him and then I would have to do that over and over again 5 days a week, 40 hours away from him each week. I continued to pray for a sign of what I was suppose to do.


A few months ago I was eligible for insurance through my job, nope not doing that because that would mean I would be stuck. As I continued to pray my heart began to change what if I was meant to do both??  Still I wasnt convinced.

Then one day I realized that taking insurance through my job and coming off of Jeremys insurance through his work would save us almost $100!!! What???  Still  I tried to push it from my mind and persuade myself that this wasnt my sign.  When surprise I received a raise and the raise covered almost exactly what I would be paying for insurance!!! Seriously??

So I receive a raise that is exactly the amount to pay for my insurance and I save $100 which will be what we need to pay for Connors Child care each week.

So it wasnt exactly how my dreams went, but I cant complain because I have a child I love and a job I love and God sent me that sign and I know im meant to do both.

Week 5

Well hello week 5! I am so so excited that in 3 short weeks we will have hit the 8 week mark and it can officially be any day until we find out our travel dates!!!! This week I am so content and just anxious for the next 3 weeks to fly by!!!

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy Thanksgiving!!

From The Malones: Jeremy, Stephanie, Connor, and Nala.

Week 4!

We have made it to week 4!! This is super exciting because it means We could possibly hear in only 4 more weeks news on when We can go meet and bring home our sweet boy. We are so so anxious! Connors room is completely ready, and we are still being showered with gifts for him. It is so so overwhelming to finally have everyone as excited as we have been about our adoption. Please continue to pray for HCO(Higher Court Order.)

Week 3

 I am going to try to post each week about how im feeling. Weeks 1-2 have been a blur of excitement and anticipation.

Week 3 of our 8-10 week wait.......

I am so so so thankful that were on week 3 because it makes it seem like time is finally moving a little. I cannot believe how time has seemed to stand still since we know the next news we get will be travel dates. We have had our baby shower and Connors room is now complete. We are officially ready. However some days I must admit I feel so unready and I panic a little, but its just new mom jitters because I am so ready for my baby boy.

I try to envision what it will be like to see him for the first time. To walk into a airport filled with our family and friends and to finally be home. I try to imagine what being a family of three will look like. All I do is cry because I am excited, anxious, scared, and a million other emotions but deep down on week 3 I know were ready to feel complete again for the first time in 19 months. We are ready for Connor.

Thank you for Connor!

 I thank God for Connor daily, but if I had the opportunity to put it all out on paper and express what I truly feel it would probably go something like this......


        God, Thank you for Connor!

Thank you Lord for giving me the desire of my heart. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for keeping your promises.

Thank you for giving me my son through the beauty of adoption. Thank you for not allowing me to conceive biologically. Thank you for placing a calling on my life that makes one less orphan in the world.  Thank you for helping me find him. Thank you for calling me to do something much bigger than myself.

Thank you for making my boy fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank you for who He is, Thank you for his health. Thank you for his smile.

Thank you for calling me to be this beautiful souls mother.

Thank you for Connor.

Baby Shower

 Saturday (Nov 7th 2015) was our baby shower!!! It was so much fun to have our friends and family there to help us celebrate our sweet boy. I loved all the questions about Connor and our adoption process. Seeing everyone as excited as us was overwhelming!! We are thankful for those who put it together and made the day possible. Thank you to Ivy who took pictures for us!  Mandi for making our Cake exactly how we wanted it and for bringing it all the way from Virginia !!!!and each and everyone who came and showered us with amazing gifts.

  Here are a few of the things we received.....A Tula  (Carrier)which will keep our hands free for passports and paperwork while navigating through the busy airport with a toddler.  Things Connor will need daily sippy cups, spoons and forks, plates, wash clothes, baby lotion and soap. Hats and gloves for those cold winter days. Toys which im sure Connor would like me to send out a very special thank you for. Clothes, a learning kit so we can work with Connor on his words  a tablet, a carseat, his first bible! and even one of Jeremys old blankets!! Drum roll please.........284 DIAPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are so incredibly blessed!!!! Thank you for loving our baby right along with us! More pictures to come.

Katie Layman surprised us by painting this awesome picture for Connors room!!!

What if He doesn't like us.....

         I know its crazy but I really uttered those words a few weeks ago and I meant them. Of course looking at it later it seems so so ridiculous. It doesnt matter though because in that moment it makes perfect sense and you are drowning in the unknowns. The point im trying to make is were human, im human. I have worries and oh do I have fears. However even in those fear filled moments I know He is my son. I know this is our life. I know He will love us. I know we already love him. I know things will be hard and there will be times while raising him that I will be scared out of my mind, but  I also know that there will be so much joy. I know that He is mine and I know He likes us.....Even if He doesnt know it yet    

Please pray that things wouldnt go according to plan...

Its hard to believe after 20 months on this journey that we only have a couple more months until the end.We are so close to scooping Connor up in our arms that some days I literally ache for him. 

Of course we are filled with excitement and anticipation so there is no time to be sad. We are having our  first baby shower this weekend a event I have thought of and dream about years before it was actually happening. Of course nothing is like I envisioned it and thats whats so great about our God! He sees the bigger picture and makes things better than we could have ever visioned. I am honored that God chose me to be TYKs mother. I am overwhelmed that He has chosen me to parent a child with special needs. I am blown away at how He believes in us. How He sees our full potential even when we are sitting somewhere sobbing saying I cant. 20 months later I see his plan , I not only understand it, but I am living it. I am a million emotions and they change daily, but what I feel for certain is ready.  I have so many unknowns and  things I am super nervous about, but im ready for this child. Im ready to struggle through motherhood like all mothers do. Im ready to try my best. I already  am experiencing this incredible love that a mother has for her child. I cant wait to experience How the love grows even deeper when He is here.  Im just so ready!!

So this brings me to the point of this blog, We are waiting (8-10 weeks) to get HCO If all goes according to plan it should come sometime in that time frame and then we will get travel dates somewhere within 1-3 weeks. I am praying things dont go according to plan, and I want you to pray that with me. 

Pray that God would perform a miracle! Pray that He would be faithful like he has time and time again. Stop praying for Christmas or any specific date. Pray that God would show up and show out. Pray that He would blow us away. Pray God would bring Connor home!!!! We know that these statics are  right and up to date, however we believe that theres power in the name of JESUS. We believe that He can do all things. We believe that He will bring Connor home. We know that this is too big for us but nothing is to big for Him. Help us pray for Gods perfect time. Pray for a miracle!! Pray Connor home!

Daddy finally speaks out....

Well I guess it's time to finally write my blog for Stephanie. How did I feel about our initial decision to adopt? I have to admit that I was scared, nervous. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but I've never really had to be responsible for one of my own. Being a father comes with a lot of responsibilities and sometimes I don't feel like I'm grown up enough to be a father. The more I think about it though, and what I thought when we finally decided to adopt, what is grown up? Is it giving up hanging out with friends, playing video games, dressing up like a superhero on Halloween, or just dressing up like a superhero in general? No. Being grown up is providing for your family and raising your children up in a household that provides love, nourishment, and a good foundation to build on in life. I've never been a father, but I've got a couple of good examples to mold being a father after. The first is my own father who I know loves me, and would do anything to make sure that I didn't do without anything. The second is Jesus, my Heavenly Father who gave himself to make sure that eternally I would never have to suffer or worry about what I have. Both fathers have always provided for me, loved me, and I'm taking care of all of my needs. Even though Connor may not be my blood son, he is no less my son then if I'd had one naturally, much like the kingdom of heaven that I've been adopted two through the blood of Jesus Christ. Even though I've made mistakes with both fathers, they never gave up on me and even though I know Connor will make mistakes, I'll never give up on him. So I'm not scared, because I know I have plenty of people around me that will help support me, and I know that Connor will have plenty of people around him to support him. So there it is, the blog written by Jeremy Malone.

Whats next??

Waiting on HCO (travel) is tough. Monday only makes one week ( should take around 8-10) and I already ache it hurts so bad. I think its knowing were so close and yet it feels forever away. When I tell you we cannot wait I know you obviously know thats a understatement. The thought of meeting Connor and finally bringing him home to join us in our everyday lives is so exciting and yet feels so unreal to me. I am over the moon about every single thing, but what I am most excited about is watching our friends and family fall head over heels in love with this little boy too.


    Now we are waiting on HCO ( Higher Court Order) meaning a court date. This should take anywhere from 8-10 weeks. We will then be given travel dates from anywhere from 1-3 weeks later. It is so overwhelming that the next news we hear will be travel dates. This is something that always seemed so far away and now I just feel like im in shock and in a daze! We cannot wait to wrap our arms around our son and bring him home to meet all of you!

Halloween 2015

Halloween is always fun but we know 2016 will be the best because our Robin (Connor)will be here!!

Exactly how God intended....

   A few weeks ago I decided to take a day off. A monday to just hangout with Jeremy and relax (Jeremy is off on mondays.) I tried to get the 19th but too many people had already asked off so I said no problem (since we didnt have any plans, that was the point a day with no plans.) So I got the following Monday which was Monday the 26th. We slept in, went to China Wok, cashed our adoption grant check, then we went grocery shopping. I had told Jeremy that morning wouldnt it be great to get adoption news today, since we were actually together. We were in Walmart grocery shopping, my phone always connects to their wifi which no offense is slower than smoke and so I can do nothing on my phone. Anyway we were about to get into the checkout line when ding I heard the sound of a email come in, and my breath caught in my throat the way it does now when I hear that familiar sound since being on our adoption journey.  When I clicked on the email it of course wouldnt open or even show who it was from due to the slow wifi. I was super anxious hoping and sliently praying that it was from our agency. We checked out and headed to the car with our groceries. We were pulling out of the parking lot and I was continuously trying to open this email that was probably just spam. We pulled out of walmart and onto the highway when at last about 4 emails came in and one was indeed from our agency. I said to myself over and over please please let this be it. I barely remember reading the email what I do remember is turning and staring at Jeremy. He said what and I just smiled. I remember the words I think we might have just got article 5. Then it was all smiles and excitement. I emailed our social worker to make sure she was saying we had received article 5 and we were moving onto the next step. She confirmed and then it was shock, and excitement, but the emotion that I felt most was happiness and relief. See our next step is travel. 8-10 weeks and then the moment we have fought 20 months for. The moment we meet our son.  So I like to think that I was always meant to have Monday October 26th off. We were meant to be driving down the highway together just us when we got amazing news, and I cant help but remember how all the other BIG moments of our adoption played out and each one was different. They were all meant to play out exactly how God intended them to, and I wonder how will this next step play out. What are those special dates We'll be given. I believe they are going to play out exactly how God intended them to and I trust Him completely.

"I know Everyone means well, but Christmas may not be the dates God intended and we want the dates He has picked not dates that get him home for a holiday thats true purpose and value has seem to be forgotten. We will celebrate Jesus birth with Connor when He  comes home. We want him on the dates God intended not on December 25th."
                                                                                         ----Stephanie (Connors Mama)

The 8-10 week countdown offcially began Monday October 26th!

 I love you Connor and I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you!!!

Adoption is so worth it.

 Adoption....its hard, its exciting, its frustrating, its blissful, its heartbreaking, its worth it.


Adoption has stretched me further than I wanted to be stretched, it has matured me in ways I never thought possible, it has changed me into someone I wouldnt have recognized before.

The love for my son came so easy, so fast almost like it snuck in one night and there it was. This amazing unconditional love that was so simple and came without any effort.

The adoption has been a struggle. The paperwork, the questions, the back and forth. the waiting.  The rollercoaster ride of emotions it takes you on. Nothing about it has been easy.  Actually quite the opposite it has been hard REALLY hard, it has been painful VERY painful.

When we were trying to get pregnant.....for years, I thought I would never cry so many tears. However I was completely wrong, the adoption has brought thousands more tears. Tears of frustration, tears of heartbreak, tears of sadness,tears of exhaustion, but all the tears werent bad there were also tears of joy, tears of triumph, tears of bliss, tears of excitement.

The planning should be a joyous time, but the fun can be drained out and it become stressful and leave you anxious when you are asked to explain your plan for your child while you work or if you plan not to work explain how you expect to survive the financial difficulties  of only one income.  Insurance plans, childcare plans, Plans that are sometimes years away from actually needing to be put into place.

However I have experienced the joyous planning too. Preparing his bedroom has been so amazingly exciting and fun. Imaging leaving work each day and heading to the babysitters to see my little man. yes, planning also has its fun moments.

Dont forget the money. Oh just $23,000 !! I have cried, I have prayed, I have begged. Believe it or not I do have my pride, but that all went out the window when I was trying to raise the money for our adoption. I fought for every penny. I struggled for each dime. I begged, prayed, pleaded.

So yes adoption is war. It is a fight, it is a struggle, It is so so painful. However because of this fight, this painful struggle there is this beautiful little boy. There is this unconditional love even though I have never held him in my arms. This war I have been fighting is for him, and when we finally see that sweet little face and realize its all for that moment, things no longer matter like the paperwork  you tell yourself that it wasnt that bad. That exhaustion you convince yourself you werent so tired really.  The planning that was so stressful you dont remember it being that big a deal. The waiting was just part of it but it wasnt so bad. The money, well you'd beg for it all again. The tears, the sadness, the heartbreak, the pain you forget all of it, and your filled with one feeling and you want to shout it to the world.....Adoption is so worth it!!  He is so worth it.

Dont rush us.....

I have had alot of people ask if Connor is still in diapers the answer is yes. Keep in mind that even though Connor is three he is on a 9-10 month old level so he is not ready to be potty trained. Only time will tell when he will be ready and that's ok. His life is going to completely change when we bring him home. 12 hour time difference, new smells, new sights trying to potty train to fast will only cause him to become upset and more confused. We will potty train eventually but don't rush us. 




"A negative society will affect my quality of life far more than Down Syndrome ever will"    --Unknown

I feel guilty.....

  When I use to babysit full time I saw it, I saw moms dropping off babies they didnt wanna leave. I saw them pry little hands off their legs and quickly slip out the door and  oh the tears that fell from tiny eyes and those Mamas tears when she was in the car alone. It all  made me so sad. I saw them linger until the very last moment before they literally had to leave to avoid being late for work. I  saw them give kisses and hugs and say their see ya laters. I got it, except I didnt get it at all.....

   Connor has never even been in my arms and yet the thought of leaving him for 8 hours a day 5 days a week is unbearable. I literally have anxiety when I think about it. When we planned our day out for our adoption we had a sitter lined up and all was well, however now that its getting closer to time to actually bring my little guy home I feel distraught. And I get it. I feel the despair of prying those little arms off your leg and feeling so so guilty that you have to work. I know I too will linger until the last possible moment avoiding those see ya laters.

I feel guilty that I have to work.

In a perfect world all Mamas would be able to stay home with their babies ( if they wanted to). There would be no prying tiny arms from Mamas legs, or tear filled see ya laters. Unfortunately thats not the world we live in and for those Mamas who have to work, your not alone.  And as hard as it is to leave your tiny love , it makes those squeals and smiles because your back so much more sweet after a long day. It makes those saturday morning cuddles so much more meaningful.  Your child wont think your terrible when they look back and see you had to work, but will remember how you provided and did the best you could. They will be thankful for a Mama who was willing to work.

I worry and agonize and try to find a way that I can stay home with Connor. Maybe some how someway it will work out, but if it dont I take comfort in knowing im not alone. Ill know that I did my best and worked hard to provide for my child. I dont have to feel guilty that I have to work.