When clothes don't fit.....

   As i'm new to the whole motherhood thing I am in awe of how it all works and the oh so many emotions you experience that you thought were silly before or even thought you would never have.

      I have shared before about how I always thought it was completely pointless when Mamas cried over their babies getting shots. Yet there I stood at children's hospital letting the tears roll the day they drew Connors blood for the first time ( first time with us).  Its no longer pointless to me because I have been there and its all in a whole new light.

     I too have told my little guy to stop jumping on the couch and when he didnt said ok but dont come crying to me when you fall, and yet when I heard that dreaded thud and that shrill scream, I went flying to his side to scoop him off the floor ( pretty sure I did throw in a I told ya so but ) I held him close and told him everything was ok because Mama was there.

    Motherhood is the only thing that makes you tough on a whole new level and yet makes you the biggest pot of mush you have ever seen. Its this incredible thing that makes you wanna go the extra mile, but yet makes you so tired your certain you cant go another step. However the next day there you are doing it all over again. You love it, you wouldnt change it and you have the hardest time admitting it because you love being a mother so so much , but its tough. Its the hardest thing you'll ever do and yet the most rewarding. Its your most important job ever, raising a human being.

        A few days ago I pulled out a cute little outfit someone bought for us at our baby shower, It was a summer outfit and it was finally warm enough to wear. Only when I put it on my darling boy, it didnt fit It was too small. My heart sank. I seriously became so upset, my heart crumbled over those silly clothes that didnt fit.

    Honestly it wasn't about the clothes, it was more about this tiny boy becoming bigger. Growing is a good thing we all want our child to thrive, but why oh why do they have to so fast. Why cant we hit pause for a little longer, keep them small for more time.  Thats when it hit me Im that big pot of mush I thought I would never be. I am heart broken over this grey onesie with a dinosaur on it that my little guy will never wear.

   Any yet at that IEP meeting I was fierce. When that close friend made a offensive racial slur I spoke up. When I hear someone using misinformation about Down Syndrome I set them straight. I no longer just go along with whatever. I am tough on a whole new level.

Motherhood will change you in so many ways. You will be so much braver and tougher, but don't be surprised if you also cry over things like clothes that dont fit.


   

    

Happy, Healthy, attached, adjusted....

   Well I have been back to work 3 weeks tomorrow. Things are going great. Although I still have my tearful moments because it hurts every second im away from him. It helps to know that He is doing great. He cried the first few days when I dropped him off at the sitters ( broke my heart into thirty million pieces.) However by thursday He waved by and with no tears and now im lucky if I  get a wave! I am so so thankful that everything is going well and we are in our new routine.

             Our routine will change a little when school gets out, and we are sad that its ending because Connor LOVES school. I am so grateful for the awesome teachers, therapist, assistants, and everyone else who now play a part in my sons life. He could not have been  more welcomed into the school and I have no doubt he was loved by the end of day 1. ( Shout out to Sweetwater Primary, you all rock!)


     Things are perfect, they really are. Some days I look at him and cant believe that Hes real. After all the paperwork, planning, preparing, its still so hard to believe that he is ours. It is a absolute dream come true. I knew motherhood would be amazing, I knew I would love him more than I could ever fathom, but it is so indescribable the way this tiny person can make you feel. I seriously cannot explain how in love I am with this sweet boy, how grateful I am that God led us on this incredible journey to this beautiful soul.

  Connor has adjusted perfectly. He is completely attached to Jeremy and I. When asked if he is a daddy boy or Mamas boy it is so hard to answer because honestly he is both. Which is what we prayed for.  I am so grateful God once again answered our prayers. This whole journey has been one answered prayer after the other and its overwhelming to know how much God loves, has fought for, and has worked everything out for us.


  Since all parents love to talk about their kids let me tell you a little more about Connor. Connor is now comfortable with not only us, but with others. Like last weekend at the special olympics when he went over and laid on a stranger. He loves people, even if he doesnt know them. However he is stubborn and he wants what he wants and so no matter how well he knows you  its possible he may pay you no mind, no matter how hard you try. He will say "Nah" when you try to high five him, or do knuckles. He knows his family well and will reach for those close to him.He has a smile that could light up a whole room and the sweetest giggles you have ever heard. He loves to dance, but more than likely wont if there is a crowd around. He likes watching tv and absolutely LOVES mickey mouse. He can sign more and all done and I love you. He signs those three on a daily basis. He loves blocks and anything small that can fit in his hand and he will carry things around for hours, last night it was a reader digest book ( seriously it can be anything.)  He loves boxes also. He loves anything music related although his favorite are drums. He is a very happy baby and only cries when he has a reason.  He is a absolute joy to be around and he seriously fits into our family perfectly. We know God made him specifically  for us.

He is happy, He is healthy. He is attached, and we have  adjusted perfectly to a family of three. God is good!!!

I was afraid....

   I haven't shared a whole lot about our time in Hong Kong, one because I cant share alot of the details online and two and probably the more obvious answer I was a brand new mommy and who has time to blog with a toddler. However I love that I am always upfront and honest here and so I want to go a little deeper into our time in country because it may help another family who thinks they are alone in the many emotions they are feeling. So here goes....

          We arrived after 20 hours of travel. We were exhausted and yet we were on an emotional high knowing that after almost two years we were within minutes of our child.  When we arrived at the airport all I wanted was to be in my hotel room ( we wouldnt be meeting connor for two more days). To throw down those packed carry ons we had been lugging around all day, put on my pjs, and brush my teeth. However our hotel was about 30 minutes away so we would need to take a taxi, so first stop was to get our money switched over. We hurried through the crowded airport and found our luggage and then headed to the area to exchange our money. The lady at the booth could not understand Jeremy ( our southern draw haha )and on top of that we had no idea how much money to exchange.We had called our bank to let them know we would be in Hong Kong so that our cards would work, but evidently no one did anything because they wouldnt work. Our phones didn't work in Country so we couldn't call anyone for help. It was alot of confusion and since we arrived on saturday we were on our own. I was emotional, I was exhausted, I was afraid and I remember sitting on my luggage as I let the tears roll down my face as Jeremy tried to figure out our money situation. After what felt like an eternity ( im sure because i was so tired) we had our money exchanged and headed outside to the taxi area. There were two different lines and we had no idea which one we needed to be in. There was a man directing people and after we were brushed past by several folks it was our turn. Jeremy showed him our hotel confirmation which had the address on it. He directed us to a taxi and began chatting to the driver. This whole time a million thoughts are racing through my head and what keep coming back over and over was What on earth are we doing??  The driver loaded our bags and we slide inside. I was begging myself the whole way not to cry because I knew if the tears started again they might not stop. I silently began to pray. I told God that I knew He hadnt brought us through this journey to leave us now. I told him I knew this was His plan, but that I was afraid. I told Him I needed Him now. I opened my eyes as I looked out at the buildings as we passed and glanced around the taxi. My eyes stopped at the front of the dashboard and there it was. My sign that God was right there putting all the pieces together. I was still afraid, but the question what on earth are we doing was now answered we were going to get our son. God was right there in those overwhelming moments and he showed me in something as simple as our taxi drivers name. In big letters across the dashboard was our sons last name.

So to new mamas whether giving birth, meeting a birth mom, or in another country minutes away from your baby at last Its ok. Its ok to be afraid and its ok to wonder what are we doing.  It isnt weakness and it certainly doesnt mean you love your child any less.  Just know that God is with you in those overwhelming moments, He will never leave your side, and everything will be ok.

   Two days later we met Connor. I remember walking into that room and locking eyes with this gorgeous boy, with my son. I remember my breath catching in my throat and having to remind myself to breathe and begging myself not to cry, because i knew i wouldnt stop. I remember the moment they placed him in my arms and how amazing it felt when his caregivers said look its mama. I remember the day of Connors goodbye party and how all the workers came, his foster mother was there, and so many others and in that moment I realized my child had been loved everyday of his life. I remember one of the workers asking me how long it took and I barely got out 21 months before I started sobbing and she hugged me and we just held each other for awhile. I remember all the sweet babies that had to be reminded that we were there for Connor and it broke my heart knowing they were wondering when would it be there turn. I remember it all so vividly. It the most emotional time of my life and besides the actual physical pain I imagine it was just like  the emotions on the day of your childs birth. The emotions are the same. Somehow although I didnt give birth I still experienced the hormonal changes. It is the strangest thing ever but I experienced it firsthand. My emotions were all out of whack for months, they are just now starting to get back to normal. I said all this to say I remember it all so clearly and in all those emotions I also remember the fear I felt that first day.  I want you to know its ok. Its ok to admit I am afraid. There is no shame in it. I was overwhelmingly fearful. It didnt change my mind, It didnt affect my love, it didnt make me less.  Sometimes God calls us to do tough things and If you think I was some super woman and you think you could never be as brave as I was or do what I did, just know that I was afraid, but im so thankful I didnt let it stop me.

When one season ends....

In three short days Ill be heading back to work. These 12 weeks have been absolutely amazing and I am thankful for each day. I am so grateful that I work for a employer that not only allowed me the time off, but also understood its importance and went above and beyond to support me. It has made our families bond so deep and has helped Connor adjust and feel safe and secure in his new home. However as bills need to be paid, it couldnt last forever and as our time is quickly drawing to a end I remember all these specials memories and moments we have shared as a family of three.

   Obviously I missed three whole years of my sons life and I am so thankful that when we brought him home I didnt miss one second of these 12 weeks. I was there sobbing on his first day of preK. I was there the first time we heard those sweet giggles. I have sang the itsy bitsy spider what seems like 30 million times. I was there when he finally started using the sign language we have taught him. I quietly let the tears roll the first time he signed I love you back to me. Connor has made our family so happy, he has filled us all with so much joy. A piece that no one else besides Jeremy and I knew was missing now fits so perfectly.

  These 12 weeks have been magical. I had no idea someone so small could change your whole identity. I obviously knew becoming a mother would change me, but I was not prepared for the ways this little guy makes me a better person in all aspects of my life. Our God is a good good Father and I am overwhelmed that He knew I could be this sweet boys mother. He knew that I would love him forever and He believed in me and my ability to care for a child who the world sees as disabled. He knew that this little guy needed someone strong, yet so sensitive. Someone who would be his best friend and yet be strict when it came to being his mother.  He knew I wouldnt think I was capable, but He knew all I needed was to have this baby in my arms and I would become all these things. Our God is all powerful and all knowing. He knows what He has planned for our lives long before we do. Im thankful that He had Connor planned for us. That He lead us on this incredibly journey and never left us along the way. In each step His handprints are there. Im thankful that God takes care of His children and that He never left this beautiful boy who was once a orphan and that He didnt turn His back to our cries for a family. Our God is good,

   Going back to work will be tough. It  will be difficult until we adjust, but I cannot wait to see what our next season holds. 

All because I am his mother

As a first time parent I often forget that my child is any different. I don't always see the challenges as clearly as others may from the outside looking in. Today my mom told me that her tax lady ask about us and our adoption (she remembered from last year) of course mom was happy to share that our little guy is home at last!!! She also shared that He has Down Syndrome as well as many other special things about our little sweetie. At that point the lady stopped what she was doing and said wow it takes a very special person to raise a child with special needs. I shrugged it off as always. I said something about it not being a big deal and how I sometimes forget he is different, my mom said it is a big deal.
As I pondered this hours later I realized she is right. Connor is incredible and I wouldn't change one single thing about him, I wouldnt take that third copy of his 21st chromosome away for anything in this world.  I love those almond shaped eyes and that pink tongue that spends most of its time peaking out. I love that the future is unknown and we get to walk through this together as a family and simply take each day as it comes. I love how everyone is intrigued and drawn to him and how he fills everyone he meets with such joy. I love him and everything that comes with him. Sometimes I don't realize that it comes with a little extra, sometimes its tough, there are struggles. That thearpy and  IEP meetings are everyday language to us now. We forget that we are traveling a road less walked, that not only have we adopted a child, but we chose a child a little different, we chose a alternate road willingly.
So thank you to those who say it's takes a special person. Thank you for the flattering compliment.  I truly appreciate that others see what I don't always see, the struggle, the tough times, the hard and think that I have it all together, think that I'm doing a good job. However let me say that I didn't adopt Connor because Im  a special person, however CONNOR HAS MADE ME A SPECIAL PERSON. He has made this tiny spark in me become a blazing fire. He has made me more considerate, compassionate, and understanding. I am far more confident, caring, and approachable. He has made me who I have always been meant to be, without my son, without that extra chromosome I don't know if I would have ever reach my full potential. I am a stronger woman, I am a better wife, I am a more caring daughter, and  I am a kinder friend all because I am his mother. 

I hadnt planned or prepared for that...

Our adoption journey from start to bringing Connor home was 21 months long, trust me we had tons of time to plan and prepare for him.   His room was perfect, we had everything we needed, we had deep love for him, the highchair was in place the carseat strapped  in tightly, we were prepared and yet we weren't prepared at all.

I didn't plan to be so deep in love that it could bring me to tears out of no where, I wasn't prepared for how I would miss him so deeply when he wasnt with me. I  wasn't prepared for how much hurt and emotion would fill me the day I watched doctors hold my sweet boy down to do a medical test. Hearing his cries and seeing those tiny arms reach for me was something my heart was far from prepared for. I hadn't planned to barely get his name out when I pray without sobbing and thanking God for this precious boy.  I wasn't prepared for how proud I would be over the smallest things. I planned to be loving and fun yet stern and grounded I wasn't prepared for those sweet innocent eyes or that delightful giggle that turn me to absolute mush. The goofy grin or the random hugs. Even after 21 months I wasn't prepared for this incredible little guy God has blessed me with. I hadn't planned on my complete identity changing. I'm not who I was because Connor makes me a better person, I hadn't planned or prepared for that.

Memory lane....

  I cannot fathom that in 3 short days my little man will be home for 2 months!! I cannot even put into words all the ways he has changed in just 8 short weeks. So many memories feel like yesterday and yet at the same time seem ages ago.....

       I remember asking my momma to go to lunch with me because I had huge news!! She had no idea and after some chitchat I said well I didnt just ask you to lunch to eat I have something to tell you, I then slid a picture across the table. She lifted it up and studied it closely while a huge smile spread across her face. I remember saying " I think this might be him, this might be Connor".

Then there was KiKi who  saw the picture and cried uncontrollably in Zaxbys!! :)

I remember showing the picture to Christy and Derek and sobbing while they prayed with us for this beautiful baby in the picture.

I remember Grammie  having your picture up in her kitchen what seemed like the very next day!

I could go on and on with all the joyful memories!



I remember announcing to our leadership team at church that we were adopting. We were in  Christy and Dereks ( our pastor and his wife) kitchen and it so happened that it was all the leadership team together which rarely happens and we knew it was the right moment. So much excitement filled the air with our news, but what ill never forget is Derek having to leave the room because he was crying. That moment was so powerful for me because we had family whose reaction was less than thrilled, but our pastor was over the moon because he knew what this meant not only for us, but for a orphan. Ill never forget that,

I remember laying in bed going over and over baby names. Connor was  the only name we ever agreed on. My pick was Collin and I cant remember Jeremys but it was probably Bruce Wayne! haha

I remember keeping his name a secret for 6 months!!! It was so much fun to let everyone guess and have a big reveal with our family.

I remember the day we were matched and how I found out at work!!! I was to shocked to even cry!!!

I remember arriving in Hong Kong and the butterflies knowing you were only minutes away from me and yet I had to wait another day until  I could meet you.

I remember walking in the orphanage and having to force myself to walk and not go running into the building.

I remember entering the room and seeing you! Your caregiver handed you to me and you cried and reach for her and I quickly handed you back all while having to think breathe Stephanie breathe because I felt like I couldnt.

I remember sending everyone a million snaps on snapchat of you and sending emails like a mad woman.

I remember walking into the knoxville airport and being overwhelmed at the crowd of friends and family who came to welcome you home/

So many precious memories that I will cherish forever.


My sweet boy....

I see so much growth in you in these 8 weeks.

No more sadness in those eyes. Those eyes laugh and dance constantly. You look healthier and have gained two pounds! You LOVE school and now wave bye to Mama when its time to be dropped off.
You are reaching for and letting others hold you and are so much more comfortable when we go places. You have relaxed so much and now realize you are safe.


Im continually amazed at your growth and bravery. Your life has done a complete 180 and you have taken it in stride. You go with the flow and are such a good boy.

I love you Connor Thaddeus and I'm so thankful that God gave us you!!!!

You do your best.

Hello Its me....

 Sorry its been so long but it has been a busy month!!! Doctors appointments, preschool, meeting family and friends. Its been a whirlwind but I think we are finally caught up where we can breathe and just in time since we return to work soon!!!

  Connor is now up to date on his shots. He got two shots and didnt cry long. Connor had a echo cardiogram to check his heart. All is well!!!! It is such a relief to know that his little heart is working properly and besides a little fluid that we have to watch everything is ok. Connor also had blood work  done to make sure his thyroid is functioning properly.(It is functioning perfectly.) This is where it got rough :( The first stick they couldnt find a vein and by the time they realized they would have to switch to the other arm he was distraught. He cried the hardest I have ever seen him and kept trying to reach for Daddy and I. Daddy was so strong and helped the doctors hold him down ( yes doctors they had to call in back up to help hold him down.) I always thought it was crazy when moms cried over things like this. Now I get it! I stood looking out the door so Connor wouldnt see the tears fall.

If only i knew then that my tears had only begun. Connor started preschool last week and his first day went awesome.

Daddy and I took him and he went right in and we snuck out of the room. When we arrived to pick him up we were greeted with the biggest smile ever!!! It was perfect.  The second day I took Connor and it was clear that he had figured things out. He sobbed and clung to me and they had to pry him off of me. I barely made it out the door before I began sobbing. All I could think is how he has been through so much the last 7 weeks and change keeps coming. He doesnt understand why mommy and daddy who have always been there keeping him safe are dropping him off with people he dont know. His teacher is awesome, his school is awesome, but somehow that first week I felt like a trader when I let them take him from me and left him crying each day. 

Of course picking him up is AMAZING!!! He gets the biggest smile ever and runs to me ( or Daddy) he wraps those tiny arms around us and then immediately begins waving and blowing kisses to his teacher. Its the highlight of my day and is just the absolute BEST!!!

Today is week two of preschool and Connor wouldnt walk and began clinging to me the moment I got him out of the car. Once we entered the door the crying started. I passed him off to his teacher, signed him in, and hurried out the door. Was it difficult?? ABSOLUTELY!! However since last week Mama got a little bit stronger. I didnt cry while heading out the door or on my way home because I knew he was fine. Do I worry?? Um yeah every second that he is not in my sight.  However I know that school and therapy is going to help him learn and grow and provide so many more opportunities for his future. 

Do I want to go back to work in a few weeks?? Of course not, but I need Connor to have all his needs met and that means his Daddy and I have to work very hard. Connor deserves the best we can give him. Would it be awesome to be a stay at home mom, sure but it would mean barely making it paycheck to paycheck. It would mean no extra, no cushion room for when he gets sick or needs another test run. 

In the end me working is me making a sacrifice so that He never has too.

Life as a parent is incredible, but it comes with lots of struggles and making hard decisions. We are making them and pressing forward and doing our best.  Cause thats what you do as a parent, you do your best. 

Celebrate the goodness of your Savior

Connor, Today someone said something really dumb in front of you. While I know your too young to really understand everything I know that the day is coming when you will because unfortunately people dont always have a filter. We look different, I know you already know this, but what you dont yet understand is how that affects others. Some are intrigued, and some think its wrong. While I do not care about others opinions and am a adult and can take their crazy stares and comments my main worry is you. I desperately want to raise you to not let others words affect you, but the truth is they will. You will feel hurt, you will feel anger. No matter what dont let others words define you. Today I was asked if you were mine and I said yes. Because you are my son, you are mine. However I knew what the person really meant, and after my initial yes he is mine answer I eventually went on and explained that you are adopted. Not because I thought I had to because we do not have to explain how or why we are a family, but because I am proud of you. I am honored that God allowed us to adopt you. I am thrilled that although I did not give you life , you call me Mama. I love how God made us a family thats why I shared. However you never have to share. I want to raise you to always be polite and truthful and you can do that without answering entirely and yet not be lying. You dont have to tell anyone your story because its yours, however so many only ask out of interest they just ask all wrong because they dont know how to say what they mean.

 I hope that you will always love our families story as much as I do, but I hope you realize you do not have to share. I hope you will sometimes though because our story is Gods story and its so beautifully written by our creator.

Never let the worlds negativity take away the beauty of our story. Always respond the way that you want to. Be proud of who you are, where God gave you your start and where God is taking you. Celebrate your journey. Taste Gods goodness. Bask in the glory of your Savior.

Two things.....

There are a million things I hope that Connor will know and be able to say about me, but if he remembers nothing else there are two things I want him to always know.

One of those is that Mama loves him. If Connors near me I steal hugs and kisses all day long, and I don't know that I have ever hugged or kissed him without accompanying it with a I love you.  I want him to always know! I never ever want him to question if he is loved.  I want him to feel my love in everything. For now it's those daily task like changing diapers, feeding him, giving him a bath, just everyday needs. Its hard sometimes with all the other everyday task but I try to take time daily to just play with him. Whether we build blocks, sing, or read I make sure I am down in the floor with him and that it's all about him. I want him to feel my love. I want him to know that it's there, forever.

The other thing  I want Connor to be able to say  is my Mama loves Jesus. I want him to know that Jesus has done so much for our family and we choose to follow him because he first chose us. I want him to know that God called us to adopt and led us straight to him. I want him to see me worship, I want him to see me live for Him. I want him to know that Mama loves Jesus.

If he can remember only these two things that would be OK, because they are what's most important.

Mama loves Jesus and Mama loves me.

Dear Connor Thaddeus

  Today you have been home one month!!! Its so hard to believe since it feels like yesterday I walked into that room and you took my breath away, and yet at the same time its hard to remember what life without you was like.
   When I say You have changed Mama and Daddys life I dont think I can accurately describe all the ways. Everyone told me that I had no idea what was coming and they were so right!! I never ever knew that I could love someone so much. I am almost certain that I never really knew what being proud felt like until  you came along. It is unreal how someone so small can completely change everything. I didnt know half of the joy you would bring. You have changed everything for the better!
   I have experienced so much happiness in this first month with you. We are so grateful for these 12 weeks we have to spend as a family of three. Someday when your old enough to understand I cannot wait to describe to you the journey God led us on and how when we listened and followed his will and not our own he led us straight to you. How he covered you with so much bravery and peace that you werent afraid and you instantly fell in love and felt safe with Daddy and Mama. How even before Mama and Daddy were there God made sure you had a family who loved you so much at Mothers Choice. I cant wait to explain to you that Gods love has never and will never fail you. That God has been there your entire life protecting you and looking out for you. To help you to understand that even though we look different and we dont share any biology that we are still just as much a family as those who do. To make it known that God knitted our family together and from that first moment you fit perfectly. Gods ways are always higher and His plans are always good. Our family is living proof of that.
Happy one month home Connor. As long as I live I promise you will always be loved and will always have someone in your corner.
  God timing was truly perfect and we are so glad He led us to you!! You will forever be our much wanted gift from God!

Connor = Much Wanted
Thaddeus = Gift of God

My Greatest Birthday...

Next week is my birthday and you may think that this year I got the best gift ever (my son being home), but the best gift I ever received on my birthday was in 2013.  On February 18, 2013 a mother made a heartbreaking decision. A decision she struggled with for 5 long months. A decision she wished she didn't have to make but in the end she chose to not think of herself but of her precious baby. That year I received my greatest gift although I wouldn't know anything about this gift for almost two more years. Because of her choice her precious baby is  now my son. If the events and decisions that took place on my birthday in 2013 wouldn't have happen then there wouldn't be a 2016 birthday celebrating with my baby boy. A Stranger gave me everything in 2013 and she will never know how thankful i am for my 2013 birthday gift.

Adjusting to a family of three

We visited our local preschool/pre-K. Connor of course was a little shy and apprehensive. He eventually chose a seat and enjoyed painting. As difficult as this is, I have to put my sad feelings aside at the thought of him starting school and do what's best for Connor. Connor will begin receiving therapy when he starts and this is why we know its so important. To continue to grow and improve therapy is a must and we want it to start soon.
  The evaluation process will begin next week for Connor to see exactly where he is at and what his needs are. We will have a IEP (individualized education plan) meeting at the end of the month. We will then decide what is best for Connor moving forward.
We ask that you pray that we would make the right decisions and do what's best for him. Please pray for the evaluation process and that he could be easily assessed and his shyness would not hinder others seeing what he can do and is capable of.
We are nervous, but excited to see what the future holds for our precious little guy.
Connor went to the Dr this week. He received two shots and had his blood drawn. We were told that He is perfectly healthy, but we will  be seeing a neurologist and going for a echocardiogram soon. Too check everything out and have a fresh slate here and not just go off previous testing.
We are so thankful to have this time off with Connor to get all these things done and just spend time bonding with our son.
Connor continues  to thrive and is doing great. He has begun signing all done and more and we are continuing to work on other signs as well since Connor is primary nonverbal (right now).
We are head over heels in love and are adjusting to this amazing new life as parents.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

He's so lucky....no He's not

First off I get it. When you say He's so lucky, you mean to have a family. A family who loves him unconditionally and your right. At the same time you have never been so wrong.
  Let me make it clear that the orphanage Connor was in is absolutely amazing. Connor was loved everyday of his life. He didn't experience abuse or suffering. He didn't know that he didn't have a family. He thought he did. The workers loved him and cared for him. They were his family, he knew no different. My guy is lucky! And yet He is anything but.
He wasn't abandoned. I won't get deep into his story cause its his to tell, but I will say his mother loved him very much. She tried for five months to find a way to keep Connor. In the end she showed the most selfless love by realizing she couldn't give him all that He deserved. This is the most powerful love!!
  He isn't lucky. Lucky would have been his mom having every opportunity handed to her. Lucky would have been him staying with his foster mom. The first family he knew. He was moved to the orphanage at only 6 months old and it was traumatic. He was inconsolable. He refused to eat, he lost weight. Time went on and he adjusted and learned to love his new life. Only to be ripped from it once again.
Of course we know that awesome things were around the bind when we brought this bundle of joy home, but he didn't. He was afraid. He was alone. He had no one. We had only known him a few days, we took him on a airplane which he had no idea what it was or what was happening.  It was loud and crowded and soon no one looked  familiar. He arrived home to a strange new place and everyone wanted to talk to him and touch him. He was petrified, he was exhausted, he was alone.
Of course I know what you mean when you say he is lucky but after reading this hopefully you understand why I say He's not. His life has been tough, and yet regardless he is so happy. He is adjusting and is so brave , but he's not lucky.

I do this.....

One year ago today our Dossier (paperwork, documents about us, to match us with a baby) were sent to Hong Kong. Our adoption journey was not always a easy one, however I just tucked my beautiful son in and so I can say without a doubt that Our God is faithful and his timing was perfect.
It was 21 LOOONNGGG months, and once we saw our babys face it was another year waiting to be able to go get him and bring him home.
God doesn't promise us a easy road in life, but He promises to always be there and He definitely was always with us.
From the first dime to expenses in Country we never had to worry. God provided every cent.
That's why it is so frustrating to hear people say they can't adopt because of the cost. That's why I want to shout to the world that we had no money saved, we started the journey with nothing, literally.  Was it hard?? Absolutely! Yard sales, t-shirts, challenges, bake sales, etc etc. Fundraising is so tough and as much as folks were tired of hearing us ask/ beg for money trust me we were even more tired of asking.
It was some of the most trying times of my life, but then one day you get the call saying its time and you can book plane tickets, and your so happy your numb. Your adrenaline runs so high that you are just on a rush for days.
Then you walk through orphanage doors and there they are,  I remember my breath catching in my throat and thinking this is my baby. Everything around me faded into the background and nothing else mattered.
Gods plan was so perfect and now I understand 100% why we struggled with infertility. Why we waited so long. It was all  for this baby. Every tear, was not in vain because God had a awesome plan.
I don't go on and on about this because I am so proud of what we did, or because I want attention or praise. I do it because maybe you feel the call, but the financial side is stopping you. Maybe your too afraid of what others will say. Maybe you don't know what's stopping you. Maybe it's just fear in general.  I want you to know the love I now feel. I want you to walk in a orphanage and have your child take your breath away. I do this because I want all those babies I come to know and love while in HK to find there Mama and Daddy. I do this for orphans everywhere who deserve more. I do this because I have been in your shoes, afraid of the unknowns. Not knowing how we would pay the next fee, hearing mean and hurtful comments from those we love most. I do this because I can help, because I can relate, because kids all over the World need my story to be their voice. I do this for them. I do this because its my calling. 
 

Deepening love

Connor is doing wonderful and is very attached to Daddy and Mama!! This is exactly what needed to happen and is why we spent the first week at home with no visitors. If he attached to us and built trust with us so quickly through us giving him his daily care, he will attach to everyone else important in his life in time. Alot of people may not know but attachment when dealing with adoption is tricky. Even though Connor is young it could have still gone very differently. I am thankful for so much support from our family and friends who have lifted our sweet Connor in prayer as well as us in prayer. His transition have been as close to perfect as I can even describe and I know that is all grace from our Heavenly Father (and because my baby's awesome! :). I wanted to update you all and tell you a little more about my son and his cute quirks and personality. So here goes.....
    Connor can be shy. However with those he is comfortable with (right now mostly just Mama and Daddy.) He is a firecracker!!He plays and loves to laugh and make you laugh.  He loves anything musical. He has a keyboard, drums, and a guitar. He LOVES them all and is CRAZY about music. He knows so many songs and their hand motions from the orphanage. His favorites are Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. The itsy bitsy spider, and Wheels on the bus. Everyday when I feed him he will make those tiny fingers crawl above his head and of course Mama starts belting out The itsy bitsy spider with motions of course and he laughs and claps. He of course loves for you to play with him but Connor is also content to play by himself, and although he was surrounded by children at the orphanage He always played by himself and never really played with the other children. However he loved them being around. So far when around older children 5/6ish he seems the most intrigued. He loves to followed them around mimicking them. You can imagine this is the cutest thing ever. Connor is a awesome eater and has ate great since day 1. Connor has a swallow disorder wear over half the time his food goes down where it shouldn't so he is on a strictly pureed diet, so when you see me feeding him baby food I am not depriving him of real food. I would love nothing more than to buy my guy a happy meal and seeing his full set of teeth I know its hard to understand why I can't. Until he sees his Dr here and I have been informed other wise we will stick to pureed to be safe, literally. Connor also has to have thickened added to his liquids, he does not use a bottle or sippy cup but has a special cup to that helps prevent his risk of choking. However he would rather be feed his liquids like everything else by spoon, he is super spoiled ;).   Connor gives the biggest hugs after Mama changes his diaper, it is probably the sweetest thing ever and Mama lives for those hugs! Connor can  say Mama although at first he called Jeremy Mama too we are now working hard on Daddy (Dada). Connor just smiles super big so he probably can say it and is just playing us. Connor is primarily nonverbal. He can say nah (no) and Mama. Everything else is babbling. His speech therapist (in HK) was very happy with us progress and is very hopeful that speech will come but will probably be a few more years before He can speak in any sentences and such. Connor knows and can express alot more than he can verbalize. One thing i want you to know is this child is smart. You can show him something once and he will watch and immediately turn around and do it. We are very hopeful that we will have a high functioning future ahead, but like I have prayed so many times "God make him the man you want him to be."  "No  matter what that makes the future look like ". I truly mean it, because I know God will use him, somehow. Someway.
   In closing because formula needs to be made and laundry started, let me just say I honestly never knew I could love like this. I love my husband, I love my family,my friends, but this love is so different. This love is so powerful and strong. This love is a never ending love, a love that won't lesson, a love that won't change. I have become Connors security blanket. When out around new people or when he is tired (we haven't experienced sickness yet but I'm sure then too.) He wants Mama. I am overjoyed that he finds comfort in me. It's overwhelming the way I want to protect him. The way my Mama bear comes out of no where when a possible threat comes even in the vecenity of my child.
Motherhood is amazing! The love you had before you saw them. How you wanted to protect and nurture them before they were even in your arms. You thought it couldn't get deeper but then you saw them and oh the love deepened and you thought you could never ever love them more. But then you began caring for them feeding, changing, bathing, dressing, putting to bed each night and somehow it deepened again. This love is spectacular and I am serious when I say I had no idea it would be this amazing, that it could feel this awesome to be  a mother. The unspeakable joy that the Lord has allowed me to have, that this child who has no biological relation to me and yet could not be anymore my son is unfathomable. Knowing God chose us for him and him for us and seeing just how perfect His plan was. I just have no words to even begin to. Describe the thankfulness and gratitude in my heart for this precious soul God is allowing me to raise.

"Your ways are always higher.
Your plans are always good."

"I cant believe your here."

    One week ago we walked into Knoxville airport as a family of three. We were greeted by family,friends, signs, and balloons. The airport was filled with cheers and claps as we walked in. It was so awesome to have a big turn out for Connors arrival!!
   We spent our first week at home as a family of three. We snuggled, we played, and we bonded. I will forever be grateful for this first week and all our friends and family who understood and even if they didn't gave us our time and space. We believe this first week was extremely important and gave us a deeper bond with our son.
   Things are going great. Connor had exceeded all our expectations and is doing wonderful. Connor sleeps through the night and seems to be adjusting well to our time zone after only one week. He knows who Mama and Daddy are and seeks us for comfort. He has eaten well for us from day one and is even getting the hang of our big potty (they had children's  size ones in the orphanage.)
   This child is so amazing And has bounced back so fast from his life doing a complete 180.
   I have had so many ask why we can't show his face so I'll explain here too. Hong Kong does there adoption process a little different. We traveled to Hong Kong and met and brought our son home. However Connor is still a ward of the social welfare department of Hong Kong. We signed paperwork stating that they were giving him over to our care, yet he is still theirs. We finalize after being home for 6 months. So sometime in July we will go to court and Our little guy will officially become Connor Thaddeus Malone. Until then we can't share photos, which stinks but its the rules and we do not want to do anything to get into trouble.
   When we met Connor, he literally took my breath away. No picture can do justice to this tiny miracle anyway so if your friends and family reading this feel free to give me a call and come see this cutie in person.
   We just want to thank everyone who helped us through this incredible journey to finally bringing Connor home. Thank you for your donations, prayers, and well wishes. Please continue to pray for Connor as he will be seeing lots of new people and places these next few weeks and it will be overwhelming. Pray for peace and for him to find comfort in those who love him.
  I whisper this almost every night when I put him to bed and its still how I feel. I am still in shock that my dreams have finally come true. That after 7 and 1/2 years crying out for a baby, God has answered our prayers!

Connor Thaddeus, " I can't believe your here."

One week ago....

One week ago we carried Connor out of the orphanage and began life as a family of three. I could say that this was the first time he has been loved or had a family but that would be  complete lie. All the caregivers and volunteers were his family and oh the love he felt from them I cannot even describe it to you!!! I cant even begin to tell you  all the amazing things they have done for Connor or us!!! Somedays I feel guilty for taking him from them and there love and what he knew as home. I know that seems so ridiculous to those who have not been through it, but I believe alot of adoptive parents go through this. Especially when seeing their child grieve the loss of their previous life. However I know He will have a good life now also, with a family who is crazy about him and that's what all the workers and volunteers wanted for their sweet "Tim Tim". I have already sent them a update and photos and will continue to throughout his life after all he was their baby before he was mine.
   Connor experienced his first snow. He was not impressed and immediately went back to the door and tried getting back in the house!
Connor continues to get more and more comfortable with us.
The only time he cries or gets upset is when he is tired, which happens alot with the 13 hour time difference. I know he will get the hang of it eventually and their will be alot less tears.
Connors favorite thing is bath time. He splashes and yells. Oh the amount of water in the bathroom floor afterwards, but those giggles And that smile are worth it.
Connor loves to eat and is always eager for mealtime, although it's very messy he is extremely good at feeding himself. We encourage him to feed himself alot not because we do not want to help him but because it helps his hand eye coordination. We are always looking for fun ways to squeeze in PT, OT, and ST.
We love this little boy so much and know that God sure knew what He was doing when He placed his child study into our laps and said "this is him." I still remember the first time I realized that He was my baby. It's amazing  the things God will reveal when we seek him and say not my will but thine be done. If we had continued to be stubborn and go our way we would have missed out on this incredible child. And oh the love and joy we would have never known.

Connor, I love being your mother. Everyday is a adventure and I'm so glad your my tour guide. Mama loves you so much!!!!

Home 3 days

Hey guys sorry it's been a few days since my last update.  Im super busy!!!! Our travel home went so perfect!! Connor was a little angel in the plane ride. He slept our whole 11 hour flight which was the one we were most worried about. He played happily on the other flights. We know it wasn't luck, it was because so many were praying for us!!
We were greeted home by cheers, balloons, and welcome home signs. It was amazing to see so many friends and family come out to celebrate the arrival of our baby boy. There were tears and tons of smiles as we carried Connor through the airport. God is good!!!
  Connor arrived home and played happily with Mama and Daddy in his room. He explored the house and all his toys. Connor sleeps great but its still on HK time. However last night he slept all night for the first time and we are excited and hopeful that we can keep him on this sleep schedule and start getting into our routine.
Connor has changed our world and we are still in shock that he is here and doing so well. Please continue to pray for him and his attachment to us and for things to continue in the right direction

Prayer changes everything

Oh what a difference your prayers can make. Connor decided that he was a daddy's boy and while mommy is cool with that. What hurt is along with that He decided that he wanted nothing to do with me at all. He cried if I tried to hold him and refused to let me do anything for him. I immediately began praying (through sobs while locked in the bathroom) I emailed, facebooked, and tweeted asking everyone to pray.  Our prayers were heard by the Master!!!!
   Yesterday when Connor woke from a nap and began to cry I asked Jeremy to allow me to try and get him. I picked him up and swayed and sang to him while looking out our hotel window over looking the buildings outside. His cries stopped and he laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. From that moment  on he loves Mommy too!!! Oh the relief it brings and how much sweeter it is now when he wraps those tiny arms around me!!!

   Yesterday was our first day as a family, Connor was discharged from the orphanage. Much to our surprise he gave hugs, kisses, and waved bye. No tears except from the workers and some from Mommy. Again I have absolutely no doubt it was because so many were lifting our little guy in prayer. It would have upset the workers so deeply to see him cry and be upset. Once at the hotel Connor began to weep and it was heart breaking to know the great loss that he had no idea would come in the following days. Although we will love him and he will love us and he will have a awesome life, he will still never get this life back and he will mourn the loss of it and all those he loves here.
  Connor is doing exceptionally well considering and we ask you to please continue to lift him up, especially tonight as we begin to pack up all our things and he will know something is up and it will make him even more anxious. We ask that you lift him up as we travel over 20 hours tomorrow. Pray that God would give him peace and Jeremy and I to be able to comfort him the best that we can.
   Thank you for your continued prayers!!!

One step forward thirty back

Today we were suppose to have a day outing with Connor, but today had a mind of its own and turned out to be a no good very bad day. Everything was fine until we were walking out of the orphanage and Connor began panicking. He cried continuously for two hours and we were unable to go. During this time He began showing attachment to Jeremy and not me. This is very typical. I have read a million books about it and prepared myself that it was a possibility. However nothing could have ever really prepared me and I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't broken into a million tiny peaces. In the mist of that I am also grateful that Connor is going to have a awesome relationship with Jeremy and I know he will with me too, eventually.
We went to the park this afternoon with all the other children and workers and things were better. Connor played and had a good time.
This evening we signed papers with a member of the adoption unit and Connor became officially in our custody tonight. This is a exciting moment and we are very relieved.
Tomorrow Connor will be discharged from the orphanage and will come with us to the hotel for the remainder of our time in HK until we all fly home. What was was an anticipated day is now a day we are kinda dreading because it seems that it will more than likely be  replay of today only so much worse because we are indeed leaving and not returning.
  Please remember tomorrow in prayer and pray that He would attach to both of us quickly and equally. Pray for our hearts and that we could be strong because when his world is breaking apart we cannot allow seeing or experiencing that to break us as well.

On a different note check out all Connor will be bringing home with him!

Told ya my boy is extremely loved by all those at Mother Choice.
Pray for all the caregivers tomorrow as well.

Connors farewell party

Last night was Connors farewell party at Mother Choice Orphanage. It was a time solely about him. There's was decorations, food, a cake, and so much love!! A video was put together of photos of Connor since coming to the orphanage and videos of him crawling, playing, and the first time He stood on his own. You could see his growth and accomplishments through the video and it is so awesome that we will have it to know that although we missed so many important milestones he was in great hands. Connor was showered with love and gifts. Some of the caregivers wrote him letters that I will read to him when he is older. It was amazing to see just how much He is loved. Connors foster mother came and even spoke at the end about how happy she was that He has finally found his family. It was very emotional for everyone. I will be eternally grateful for the time, patience, and love that  they poured into my son for two years. Without them and their therapies and hard work I have no doubt that I would be looking at a completely different boy today.
   Connor can pull up his pants and take off his diaper, use the potty when taken, eat unassisted, use some sign language, blow kisses and wave when asked to. These are just the tip of the iceberg of things they have taught him that blew Mommys mind.
    He is a very smart baby, but without them guiding him and loving him He would not have blossomed into the incredibly toddler standing in front of me today. 

Jet lag didn't matter.

I'm exhausted like literally to the point of feeling sick. It's unlike anything I have every experienced this horrible thing called jet lag but today none of that mattered.

   From the moment I saw him everything else faded. I don't even have words that can do justice to describe it but my heart literally walks around outside my body now. This is love on a whole new level. Of course I may be bias but he is the absolute cutest thing I have ever seen and I cannot wait to bring him home so I can prove that statement is completely true.
   Continue to pray for our attachment and his caregiver who has been with him every single day for two years. Also for all the workers as they all are attached and love him very much.

Whirlwind

It's hasn't even sunk in that we will be meeting our son tomorrow. I've prepared, planned, and dreamed of this day for 21 months, there were times I felt it would never come. It always seemed like so far out in the future and then bam were in Hong Kong. We were walking down the streets of Hong Kong today just exploring and I looked over at Jeremy and said are we really here, is this really happening?? We were matched with Connor in July so for 6 months we begged God to bring him home. We prayed over him specifically daily. Yet somehow getting to this step seemed to come so fast. I feel like we're in a whirlwind and I'm just trying to catch up. I'm sure I will look back at this one day and laugh at the sleep deprived crazy lady who was speaking. This time difference really is whipping my butt and maybe it's also being in a different country which is a whole new experience for me. I'm not sure but everything now seems to be on fast forward and I can't catch up.
    However we love Hong Kong and had a great first day, we look forward to things slowing down a bit. If that's even possible with a toddler. It just hasn't hit me yet that our sweet boy will be going home with us. I have envisioned it a million times and yet now that it's here I can't fathom it. I am thrilled and beyond excited and yet my body feels so tired and exhausted that I don't feel much emotion at all. It's such a crazy thing. Anyway ask me tomorrow how not feeling any emotion went, (because I know when I see that little face I will be overcome with emotion:))

Hong Kong zoological center and botanical gardens.

We had a blast today at the Hong Kong zoological center and botanical gardens. It is right outside our hotel and had lots of animals and even a playground. Definitely somewhere we want to go back to before we leave and hopefully we can take Connor.

Hello Hong Kong

It's 5:30am Hong Kong time and we have been awake since 3am this 13 hour time difference is killer! I'm sure we will get use to it about the time for us to come home. I wanna write about everything now because once I meet him I know all focus will change and I'll forget all the tiny details about our trip here because nothing else will matter but him! So here goes.
We flew to Dallas Ft Worth Texas it was around a 3 hour flight it was pretty uneventful. Next we flew from Texas to Hong Kong a whooping 17 hour flight! However our awesome pilot got us there in 16. It was rough! The people around us were so nice but man we were in the middle row which is 4 seats and we were in the middle two. You could not even move! This is not a fat joke, everyone was average size and it was awful! Oh man I never wanna have a straight flight like that again. Again don't get me wrong the actual flight was great didn't hit much turbulence and the stewardious were awesome. We were served lunch and dinner and two snacks. That part was great!! We however are very very thankful that on the way home we have a extra layover and our longest flight will be 11 hours , still gonna be rough with a toddler but were grateful its not 17 hours!!! Our hotel is very nice and very close to the orphanage.  We are a lot less nervous now that we're here and settled, now we're just super anxious to meet our little guy. We will meet him tomorrow morning. We have visits with his therapist and caregivers throughout the week so we can learn as much as we can about him. Please pray that we will soak in all the info and get up to date on everything cause its gonna go super fast.
  Some of you know I have been sick. My cough started on the long plane ride of course and I literally coughed the whole time! Please pray that I could get well and that Connor will not get sick.
Please pray for our first meeting with Connor. Pray for it to go well and that we can form attachment quickly.
I will definitely keep everyone updated!

This is literally the size of our room and its the deluxe room.

View from our room (been up over 24 hours)

Give us a week.

Adoption is hard. We see our side and know first hand the difficulties we have faced but think about the child. These strangers come in and take you away from everyone you love the most , and although we know he is in an orphanage to him it is home. Then we get on a crowded airplane and his ears hurts and  he is tired. I feel overwhelmed for him. We want our family  and friends to be there for one of the most important and specials days of our lives, when we carry our son into a airport and we are home together at last. However after the airport party we are taking a one week break. Attachment is hard and very complicated. We need to bond with him and form some attachment before introducing others. Please know that we aren't being selfish, we want you to meet him. This time is needed its not just us being silly. It's extremely important. It will be difficult I know but we ask that we be given our one week break. Our guy is very shy and we know that this will be so important and we promise when we are ready for visitors we will call. We are not trying to keep him away , were just trying to settle our little family first. Give us a week break, if not for us do it for him.

Wake me up I'm dreaming

I almost feel numb. Seriously it's like your on such a overwhelming high that it spills over into just feeling numb so your body can cope with all the adrenaline. I just cannot believe that we are leaving for Hong Kong this week! I cannot believe that when we come back Connor will be with us!!! After 21 months on this adoption Journey the end is in sight, and after praying for a baby for 8 years its finally my time. I honestly feel like I'm dreaming. Like any moment I'll wake up and none of this will be real. But it is real because we clung to Gods promises and never let go. We knew in His time we would have a little blessing and His time has come. Mama and Daddy are coming for you very soon Connor.

Holding you one year later....

Well you wont get an update about week 10 because week 9 was our week. WE HAVE HCO!!!! Meaning we can go get our boy!!!! Words could never express our excitement or relief.

God has walked with us every step of this journey and we are humbled when we look back and see each mountain He moved for us.

We are leaving January 8th and will meet Connor January 11th. This date is so so special because January 11th, 2014 is the day we let ISS ( International Social Services) know that we wanted to move forward and pursue the adoption of a precious little boy we had come to know as Thaddeus.

On January 12, 2014 Sweet Thaddeus was put on "hold" for our family as they awaited our paperwork. I remember telling Jeremy months ago when we realized we would more than likely travel in January that my guess was January 12th. Because I just knew that I would hold my baby one year to the day He was put on " Hold" for us.


I guess my Mothers instinct has officially kicked in because I will be holding my sweet boy one year later.

Since we already had plans to go out of town for New Years  i am out of weekends so I have been a busy bee packing for one of the most important trips of our life!!!

I am thrilled to tell you Connor is officially packed and Mama and Daddy cannot wait to see him face to face.

Gods timing truly is perfect and I'm glad our perfect time is almost here!
Only 14 more days until I hold my baby boy.

A Christmas Surprise....

Week 9  ( of 8-10 week wait) is here!!!   We are thrilled to know soon we will hear news and have the most important travel dates of our lives.

But wait I need to tell you something that happened on week 6!!!! We received a update on December 8th. It was mainly things about Connor this time the notes came from one of his caregivers at the orphanage. It was awesome to hear more about his personality and likes and dislikes on simple everyday task, But we were shocked when along with the update were notes from AU (adoption unit in Hong Kong.) Saying that they anticipated that we would receive HCO ( Higher Court Order, travel comes 1-3 weeks after receiving HCO.)  before Christmas! The week of Christmas was week 8 ( of 8-10 week wait.) but we never expected it that soon due to the holiday and so many traveling and out of the office. Thats not all we were given expected travel dates!!!!! I cannot tell you the joy and excitement that filled me to finally see a date in front of me!! It made it so much more real and  all I could think is MY BABY IS ACTUALLY COMING HOME!!!!  

We were told to begin looking at tickets but not to buy until we received HCO confirmation and were given the go ahead. 

We chose not to tell and to surprise our parents for Christmas. Oh it was the longest two weeks ever and it was so hard to continue giving updates for weeks 7 and 8, but I knew I had to in order to keep our secret. 

So for Christmas we handed our parents a card and said this is from Connor. The front said Merry Christmas and the inside said I cant wait to meet you on January 15th, 

We secretly videoed the whole thing and it turned out so awesome and a memory we can always look back on and cherish.

Could these dates change???   Yes, sadly HCO did not come before Christmas so until its confirmed they could change.  We anticipate HCO to come this week and are very hopeful that that will keep us right on track to travel the week we were told. Either way Connor is coming home very soon and we are so thrilled to share that news with you.

Please continue to pray as we wait for more news. I will keep you updated I promise hehe.